Personally I've been ejaculating brainlessly since I was 11. Which probably explains my twisted spine and poor posture.

How's this for a bunch of brainiac's? Researchers in Scotland, doing a study for the science journal Biological Psychology found that orgasms achieved during intercourse are 4 times more satisfying than those achieved from masturbation.

Well duh! You haggis eating sheep chasers. I mean come on! Somebody paid money for this research?

Here's another scoop for you; steak is better then bologna. How about this? $1,000,000 is better then $10. Or this one? A horses ass is smarter then a group of Scottish researchers.

A recent University of Michigan study found that some movies can cause significant hormonal responses and a possible spike in sexual desire.

Sixty subjects were shown clips from The Bridges of Madison County, Godfather Part II, and a documentary about the Amazon. "Bridges" increased progesterone in both men & women, Godfather pumped up testosterone levels in men and the documentary didn't do nothin' for nobody. Both progesterone and testosterone are linked to desire, and are often libido boosters. Oo la la. So players, if you want to get it on with your lady; pop some corn, dim the lights, and put a chick flick in the DVD player.

"Julie honey? Can we watch "Beaches" tonight"?

Researchers have found that there is a 60% increase in the risk of erectile dysfunction for men who smoke more than 20 cigarettes a day. Like this matters. Really. Because honestly, who's going to want to screw a guy who smokes 20 cigarettes a day anyway?

Antonio Convit Ph.D., a researcher at New York University found that being overweight could lead to Alzhemi...

Hmmm. That's weird. I forgot what I was saying.

Oh well.

Don't you think blue's a pretty color ?

A recent study published in the journal of Urology found that eating soy may alter the male reproductive organs, triggering sexual dysfunction. Hold the tofu and give me four cheeseburgers to go please.

Researchers at the University College of Cape Breton in Canada found that people who experience success at an early age are much more likely to die young. If that's the case I should live forever!

Scientists in India (of all places) have found a way to de-gas foods like beans and cabbages. They blast them with gamma rays. This destroys the substance responsible for making the gas in your large intestine, but doesn't alter the foods taste or appearance. It does however turn you into a 1,000 pound green berserker monster (obscure refererence to the Hulk).

The Human Genome Project reveals more strange stuff about us humans and our DNA everyday. For instance, half of our genes are the same ones that make up a banana. You'd think if that's the case that I'd be able to get more women to put me into their mouths.

Researchers at Creighton University in Nebraska found that moderate consumption of alcohol leads to stronger bones when you're older. Well that explains why I'm able to walk away from all these car accidents I get into with barely a scratch. With all the booze in my system, my bones must be like titanium.

Researchers at Nastech Pharmaceuticals got sick of waiting the half hour it takes Viagra to enter your bloodstream, so they invented a quicker way to give you a stiffy...a nasal spray. The spray stimulates your brain's dopamine receptors, which control arousal. Signals go from your brain, to your spinal column, to your weiner. The only side effect is that when you blow your nose you get a hanky full of ejaculate.

Sexual research pioneer William Masters of Master & Johnson fame, has passed away. Over the years Masters made great advances into the human sexual condition, mostly through the observation of couples engaged in the act of sexual intercourse. Masters died with a huge smile on his face. He was my hero.

In 1942, movie star Hedy ("That's Headly!") Lamarr teamed up with composer George Antheil to patent a radio-controlled torpedo system. Their system is still extensively used today in military communications.

The average man burns 1 calorie every 3 minutes by just sitting on his couch. At that rate I should be down to 100 pounds by Christmas. Now leave me alone, the baseball game is on and I'm going to work out for the next 3 hours.

The male Panda can only maintain his erection for 30 seconds.
No wonder the goddamn Pandas are almost extinct.

Medical researches have discovered a great way to treat the neural damage caused by strokes. Irish coffee! While searching for ways to treat stroke damage at the cellular level, James Grotta at the University of Texas gave a mixture of caffeine and alcohol to test rats. When administered in doses of 1 shot hard liquor to 3 cups coffee, neural damage was reduced by 80%. And here I been wasting all this time drinking Bloody Mary's.

For a while now, genetic engineers have been creating animals whose bodies produce drugs that help combat human diseases. For instance, a Scottish firm has engineered sheep and cows that produce a protein in their milk that is used to fight cystic fibrosis. But sheep and cows take a long time before they begin to lactate, can only be miked a couple of times per day and may carry mad cow disease in their milk. So this Canadian scientist, Francois Pothier, has come up with a brainstorm...he wants to extract the drugs from pig semen instead of milk. Pothier engineers the pigs so that they produce proteins in their semen, the proteins are then extracted and used to manufacture the needed drugs. Pothier says that the pigs can donate semen many times a day and seem to really enjoy the extraction process. Thank God I'm healthy, and don't have to drink pig semen. I wouldn't mind being a pig though.