Julie and I went to see the movie X-men Origins: Wolverine a month ago. For those of you who don't know, Wolverine gets some of his super powers from an indestructible metal ("Adamantium") that gets fused to the bones in his body. This, combined with his "mutant" healing powers, makes him really hard to kill.

Anyway, during the movie Julie leans over and whispers to me, "So, does this mean that he always has an erection?" To which I replied, "No honey, remember that "boner" is just a slang term and that there really aren't any bones in a man's penis."

That's my Julie!

The other day I passed a bar that was having a "Half Way to St Patrick's Day" party, and it got me thinking...I love St. Patrick's Day. It's the only "holiday" that I know of that we celebrate by perpetuating racial stereotypes.

"Hey everybody it's St Patrick's Day! How should we celebrate?" "Well it is an Irish Holiday. What do we associate with the Irish?" "Poetry?" "No." "Literature?? "No." "Music, dancing, plays?" "No." "No." "No." "Well the Irish are all drunks aren't they?" "Yeah! There you go, let's all get pissed!" "Great! And we'll eat corned beef and cabbage too!" "Why? Do they eat a lot of corned beef and cabbage in Ireland?" "Not really, but who cares, it tastes good" "O.k. corned beef and cabbage it is"

But really, isn't that all St Patrick's Day is about anyway? An excuse to get drunk? I mean come on, what are we celebrating here? That Ireland is snake-free? Who gives a shit?! 90% of the people celebrating will never go to Ireland and would never have to fear a Celtic snake anyway. Never mind that I, an American of Irish descent, spend the day in church praying for the lost souls of pagan babies while the rest of you potato-eating gobshites are out getting "in your cups".

I don't know what's worse; that half of these drunks are of Irish descent, or that half aren't. And people thought Chief Illiniwec was offensive. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some potatoes that need boiling.

So I spotted this sign hanging in an alley near Broadway and Belmont in Chicago...I might call it, because nothing says success to me like a hand-written sign stapled up to a pole in a rat-infested alley.

Woo-hoo! I can count the extra cash already!

Great America has introduced an entire Pirate section into their amusement park over the summer. My favorite ride though is where the Somalis board your roller coaster and steal your wallet and jewelry.

Jamie Waylett who plays Vincent Crabbe in the Harry Potter movies was arrested for growing marijuana in his home...the actor said he was planning to sell it under the name of Crabbe's Grass. Not! I made that up, but the way they market all the other Harry Potter stuff I'm surprised nobody thought of it before.

Can anybody explain these vodka ads to me? I'm kind of lost on the concept here. What are they trying to tell me? That in the future we will all be robots? That if you drink Svedka vodka you'll attract sexy robots? That sexy robots like Svedka vodka? I just don't get it. Who wants sex with a sexy robot anyway? Not me. not after that incident I had with the vacuum cleaner when I was 14...I'm still missing some feeling down there.

Here's a little ditty that was floating around in my head this morning as I woke up. It's a little parody of an old tongue twister...

How much food
would Kate Moss eat,
If Kate Moss,
would eat food?

I have no idea where this came from, but now you can see why I don't sleep that well...there's some scary stuff running through this head at night, folks. Very scary stuff.

Random thoughts and dumb jokes.

I recently read a study of 6,877 married couples conducted by the Journal of Family Issues that found that the more housework you do, the more often you are to have sex with your partner. I immediately fired our housekeeper and bought myself a Swifer. Between the cleaning and the little French Maid outfit I wear while dusting, if that doesnąt turn her on I donąt know what will.

So I'm reading my December issue of Men's Health (a magazine that I subscribe to) and on page 30 there's a letter from a guy that simply states, "Yikes, I found blood in my semen. Is it serious?" Huh? So this idiot finds blood in his semen, is worried if it's serious and what does he do? Run to the E.R? Call his doctor? Nah, he fires off a letter to a men's magazine and hopes that they get to his letter, in the meantime hoping that his wiener doesn't fall off. But of course that's not the funniest part of this story. The funniest part of this story is, that I, have a subscription to Men's Health magazine.

Julie tried to take advantage of the "Cash for Clunkers" program last month, but after she got done talking to the sales manager he told her "Sorry ma'am, but clunkers refers to your car, not your husband".
Ba da dum. That joke killed 'em in the Catskills.

I went to see Paranormal Activity, a movie about a couple that videotapes the weird activity happening in their bedroom every night. Hell, what's so special about that? Julie and I have been doing that for years.

In Germany, where prostitution is legal, the global recession has pushed brothel operators to come up with a way to bring the customers in: unlimited sex for a fixed price. Customers will pay $100 for all the sex, food and drink that they can handle. I have only one thing to say about this ..."Ich bin ein Berliner!"

Amy Winehouse is coming out with her own perfume. The biggest problem facing the Perfumers is how to bottle the essence of junky-skank-whore. I predict this is a fragrance every woman is going to want to wear..."Honey, what's that perfume you're wearing?" "Why it's "Skeevy" by Winehouse. Like it?" "Sure do hon, nothing smells as sexy as b.o., urine and vomit. It reminds of my days in the frat house".

"Skeevy by Winehouse. Nothing says sexy like Skeevy".

I was at the Bristol Renaissance Faire over the summer (No. I didn't dress up) and I was walking by a member of "the Queen's Court", who was sitting down by her lonesome and eating something. As I walked by she started choking...I said "Does milady need the Heimich maneuver?" to which she nodded yes . "Too bad" I said, "cause it won't be invented for another seven hundred years". Welcome to 2009 "your highness!" I guess there'll be no fake Knighthood for me. Alas.

Did you hear about this Catholic priest, this Reverend Alberto Cutie (pronounced koo tee AYE)? He's a very popular priest down in Florida, he's known as "Father Oprah" and as you can see he's a very good looking young man...anyway, the press down there in Florida took some compromising photos of the Reverend frolicking on the beach, kissing and fondling a young woman.

When questioned about this incident the Florida Archdiocese released this statement..."Kissing and fondling a woman in public...Oh Thank God!"

Maybe my friend Colleen O'Connor should look him up (see joke on first page for reference).

Similarities between Michael Jackson & Kevin.

Michael Jackson had a big afro in the 70's...Kevin had a big afro in the 70's.

Michael Jackson had a weird looking nose...Kevin has a weird looking nose.

Michael Jackson: Billy Jean was not his lover...Kevin: Mine either.

Michael Jackson made the Moon Walk huge...Kevin has a huge moon.

Michael Jackson often wore outlandish outfits...Kevin: often wears outlandish outfits...to bed.

Michael Jackson was once the king of pop...Kevin was once the king of pot.

Michael Jackson lived with a hairy chimp...Kevin is a hairy ape.

Who's who?

One of these gorgeous gals is Mylie Cyrus, the other is Jeff's niece Mallory O'Connor.
Who's who?

Mallory, is on the right, she's the better looking one.

And In Closing...
In the United Kingdom, they surveyed all the jukeboxes boxes in public places (i.e dance halls, pubs, etc.) and the most played song in the last 75 years has been A Whiter Shade of Pale by Procol Harum. And despite the fact that this is the most listened to song in the United Kingdom in the last seventy five years, nobody has yet to figure out what the hell it means!