It is Springtime in Chicago, yet no players report to Spring Training. Professional Baseball is still in Limbo due to the greed of players and owners.

Oh the arrogance of these men, who like a spoiled child take their ball and leave the field so that others can no longer play. The hubris of these poor little rich boys, who think because they no longer play the game, the game will no longer be played.

Well I have news for you my little cry babies; baseball will not come to a screeching halt for the likes of you. Oh no, the national pasttime will not cease to exist. In fact it will flourish. Not in Wrigley Field, or Three Rivers Stadium, but in the empty lot on 3rd and Broadway, in old man Brown's corn field, and in that park on the northside of town. No my friend, baseball will not die, it will never perish. Not as long as one small boy dreams of crushing a home run over the back fence, or one young girl aspires to pitch the perfect game, or there are people like you and I, who play the game not for the money, but who play for something much more powerful. They play for love.

My friend baseball will not die because of the ignorance of a few men who signed contracts. Baseball will live. Because baseball is America, and as long as there is American blood pumping through my veins, there will be an America. And as long as there is an America there will be baseball. Because baseball is America! And I am an American, and I am baseball, and baseball is America!

Thank you.

And God bless.

It's a new year, and a new year means it's time to do new things. So I've decided to do something a little different with the newsletter.

I'm no longer sending issues to just my softball team ("the dog's gone crazy") I'm now giving issues to any of my friends who might want them (like all my friends who have bird cages). I'm doing this because there's usually only one or two items that pertain to the team, and I'm always going nuts trying to fill an issue with softball shit. Now I don't have to worry about it, I can fill it with shit about anything.

Basically nothing will change, this will still be the same self indulgent, semi-funny piece of crap I've been writing all along, it'ss just now there will be more people to point out my grammatical and spelling errors.

Anyway, I'm going to stick to the same publishing schedule as before (semi-whenever) and still maintain the high quality my readership has come to expect from me.

And for you new readers, I do take submissions on anything you feel like sending. So, as I'm so fond of saying (though under slightly different circumstances)...submit to me.

Hey Booshie!
Hey Booshie. Fussion? Fission? What's the difference?

What's the difference?! What's the difference?! What a goofy question. The differences are innumerable. In fact, the two things have nothing in common. Fussion is that crappy modern Jazz that they play on WNUA, and fission is what Mike and I have done every summer since 1968. That's the year we built a raft out of some old Kraft Macaroni & Cheese boxes and spent the whole summer floating on Lake Michigan fission for perch. And boy did we catch a mess of 'em.

Hey Booshie. What's the real reason the groundhog comes out of his hole on Groundhog Day?

Forget all that crap about seeing his shadow; the honest to God real reason that a groundhog comes out of his hole is the same reason you or I would emerge if we were trapped alone underground for six months. He's horny.

By any other name...

A question constantly asked of me is "How did this team ever get such a stupid name?"

Well that's a good question. Unfortunately the answer is rather long, complicated, and boring, so I'm not going to get into it here. But if you think "dogs gone crazy" is a goofy name, take a look at the ones that were rejected.

Dogs Playing Poker

Dogs Gone Fishing

Dogs Gone On the Carpet

Dogs Sniffing Each Other's Butts

and finally...

Ten Dogs, Seven With Everything,
Two No Onions, & One Just Ketchup

See what I mean.

Best of '94

MUSIC
Hey! Where the hell is Ray Bolger when you need him? Crows were all over the place in '94. The Counting Crows kicked butt with their debut album this year. "Rain King", "Mr. Jones", and "Round Here" were definately three of the best songs of 1994. It's a dark, brooding album, but it's got a great beat that you can dance to.

Runner ups for best album of '94 were...
Sheryl Crow. Sexy, whiskey throated voice and a hot bod. I put three of her songs on my best of '94 tape, and her name on my list of women to stalk.

The Crow Soundtrack. I never heard it, but it ties in really well with the joke at the top of this column.

Liz Phair. I know, I know, her face was everywhere last year, but you know what? She deserved it.

Honarable Mention:
Sam Phillips & Green Day

BOOKS
How should I know; the only thing I ever read always starts out "Dear Penthouse, I never thought I'd be writing this...". So if you want a good read before bed, check out any issue of Penthouse Letters. It's always worth the cover price.

MOVIES
You can take your Forrest Gump and stick it in your box of chocolates; my pick for best picture of '94 is Pulp Fiction. Witty banter, hypos in the heart, a comeback performance by John Travolta; gritty, grimy and funky; who could ask for anything more? I can't say enough about this flick. Zeds dead baby. I'll have a Royale with cheese to go please.

Runner ups:
Okay, maybe Gump does deserve some credit.

Disappointment of the year:
The Lion King: Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it, I just think it was over hyped.

T.V.
Drama:
Homicide: Well written stories and believable characters make this the best drama on t.v., plus, I'm just a sucker for that gritty, urban feel stuff.

Runners up:
E.R.: Pretty good; but I think the characters are a little too broadly written for my tastes.
N.Y.P.D. Blue: Dennis Franz is finally getting the recognition he deserves, now that what's his name has left.
X-Files: I really dig it, even though it's just an updated version of Night Stalker

Comedy
Friends: Two words. Courtney Cox. Nuff said. I know I'm not the only one who claps along with the theme song.
Runners up.
Frasier
Always funny; I just wish NBC would bring it back to Thursday nights.

Ellen
Worth a chuckle or two.

Seinfeld
Has definately lost it's spark. It's become as old as one of Kramer's shirts.

Hall of Fame:
The Simpsons
Sometimes I laugh so hard while watching this I spot myself.

Dishonerable Mention:
Melrose Place
Are you kidding me? Star Trek is more believable than this show.

Trivia Question:
Who is Courtney Cox dating?
The former Batman...Michael Keaton

Spotlight On...
Brad L.

.

Yes I know this isn't Brad, it's Pete Townsend, but it's the only picture I have that looks anything like Brad.

Born: Sometime during the '50's

Hobbies: Drinking

Job: Editor & Family Counselor

History: Brad L. was born somewhere down south, or in the west. I really don't know. He's the eldest of three children. His father is a professor of history, and I think his mother might also teach. He attended Bradley University. Maybe. After graduating with a degree in film, he got a job in Peoria at a local television station. I think. Here he met Tom T.? who years later told him to move to Chicago.

What I know for certain about Brad is this...he hates seafood; loves science fiction, finely brewed beers and corn. He doesn't care for eggs, but eats chicken. He likes good rockin' music of all kinds and is a huge sports fan. He does one magic trick very well.

He's quick and agile, and in a knife fight Brad's one guy I'd want watching my back.

After 4 years of hard schooling, Brad's about to change his career from video editing to family counseling. I'm sure he'll be very successful, and we wish him nothing but luck in his new endeavors.

A couple of weeks ago I told Brad I needed some info on him so that I could do the "Spotlight On" column, which happened to feature him this time around. Well, he never got back to me, and with a deadline to make I decided to wing it. As you can see I tried to be as accurate as possible, but I might be off on one or two points.