Kevitorial

I have never had a cup of Starbuck's coffee and I never will.

And you know why? It has nothing to do with "Fair Trade" or worker's rights. It's for self preservation. It's because, I have discovered the secret of "Starbuck's". "Starbuck's" my friends, is nothing but a front for the Illuminati, or the Free Mason's, or some such secret society. The so-coffee shop is really an all powerful clandestine organization trying to control the world through various nefarious schemes. One of these schemes consists of using minding controlling drugs that are distributed through their coffee!

You don't believe me? Come on people! Open your eyes! The answer is right there in front of you!

The name "Starbuck's" is an anagram for "Track subs", which is an obvious message to the upper-echelon of the Starbuck's organization to track the movement of their SUBSERVIENT minions. Still don't believe. Well think of the most obvious piece of evidence...only mind controlled people would pay $4.50 for a cup of bean flavored water!

So you keep drinking your Non-fat, Grande latte; sucumming, submitting and conforming to the "Starbuck's" agenda. And while you become a mindless Venti-zombie, the three of us will be the only free thinking men left in the world. Me, and the two Hills brothers.

Friends and Lovers

After 15 years or so of doing social work, my sister-in-law, Stephanie quit her job with Lutheran Social Services of Peoria and got a job doing H.R. work in the private sector. When asked why, she replied, "I'm sick of these people, let them take care of their own damn problems."

She's normally such a sweet girl.

Thanks to my Cousin Marie Rooney who fulfilled a wish of mind and made me a t-shirt in homor of Horlick High School in Racine that says "I'm a Horlicker". LOVE IT!

Mark Green turned 40 and two weeks later he had to have shots in his back for a slipped disc. Ouch! I guess your warranty expired Mark.

Dave King just turned 50. 50! And Mark Green thought he had problems.

My sweet little niece Samantha just graduated high school and is now in college. Which makes her now old enough to read kal's pals and see what an a-hole her favorite Uncle really is.

Julie quit her job. She's been unhappy at work for a while now and finally decided to chuck it in, take some time off and decide what she wants to be when she grows up. So for a while we'll be a one income household. Any leftover food or old clothes can be sent to: The Ervin's. You have the address. Thank you.

Jeff Sismelich has a new hobby that he refers to as "my latest waste of time". It's a half hour free podcast covering "somewhat obscure blues". Go to www.bloozecast.com, and subscribe to download it through iTunes, or listen on line. Jeff is looking for suggestions and I know there's a few kal's pals who are blues fans out there. OHHHH YEEEAAAHHH. (See the blues fans will get that reference; the rest of you? Get hip with it!)

And of course our ever present picture of Cheri. Just because she hates it and I'm an A-hole.

I'd like to thank the following people who took the time and proof read various pages of this issue...Todd D., Linda K., Stephanie R., Mike T. & Lori Z.. Thank you all for all your help.

That's My Julie!

On April 12th, Julie and I celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary. And though it's a milestone for Julie, for me, it's a record. I've now surpassed the length of my first marriage.

Usually in this spot I'll print one of the goofy things my otherwise very intelligent wife lets slip out once in a while, but seeing that this is a special occasion I thought I'd cut her some slack.

One of the reasons I love Julie so much (and why we made it past five years) is that she'll let me print her occasional verbal slip ups. Why? Because she's secure enough to know that everyone slips now and then. The difference being that not everybody has a jerky husband hovering around them writing their slip ups down for everyone to read.

So here's to "My Julie", for her humor, her patience, her understanding and her smarts. And for those of you wondering, the traditional gift for your fifth anniversary is wood, and you can bet Julie got plenty of wood on our anniversary. Oh come on; like you thought I was going to get all sentimental and leave it at that? Get real.

Hellllllooooo! Sexy City!

The August issue of Marie Claire magazine named Milwaukee as its sexiest city in it's "Sexy 101" issue.

According to the magazine, Milwaukee is the "nation's summer festival epicenter", "where everyone from NASCAR tailgaters, Lebanese dabka dancers and Foo Fighters freaks are all welcome".

NASCAR tailgaters, Lebanese dabka dancers and Foo Fighters freaks? I don't know about you, but when I think sexy, these people sure make the top of my list. Followed closely by overweight bowlers, snowsuit wearing ice fishermen, and lets not forget; Packer fans. Oh yeah, some of those Packer fans are crazy sexy!

If you have a subscription to Marie Claire; cancel it.

I was thinking about becoming "Born Again", but then I thought at my size it would be way too painful on my mother.

People Unclear of the Concept

So I'm sure you heard about this idiot Heath Campbell and his wife Deborah who named their kids JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell, Honszlynn Himmler Jeannie Campbell and Adolf Hitler Campbell.

The local ShopRite supermarket refused to make little Adolf a cake for his birthday.

"ShopRite can't even make a cake for a 3-year-old," said Deborah Campbell, 25, who is Heath's wife of three years and the mother of his children. "That's sad." Heath thought that "ShopRite should be a little more tolerant."

Heath? Really? That's where you want to go with this? Tolerance? The Nazi wants tolerance. Are you fucking kidding me?!

From the "I must be getting old department". The other day I was walking thru the mall and there's this girl walking in front of me with the words "Juicy" spread across her butt. Which if it was supposed to, didn't turn me on at all, in fact it just made me think that maybe advertising that your ass is juicy, probably isn't the best way to attract a man. I mean, to me, it just sounds like you might have a hygiene problem.

One of dumbest names for a clothing store has to be The Dress Barn. I don't know much about barns but I do know that their main residents are cows. Now over the years I've said, and done a few things that have got me in some hot water with the ladies; but even my dumb ass has never inferred to a woman that she may be a COW! Especially a woman I'm trying to sell a dress to. It's pretty simple marketing no? You're trying to sell a chubby gal a dress, you might not want to equate her with a 1400 pound bovine. What? Was Style Sty taken?

By Any Other Name?

I was watching The Ace of Cakes on the Food Network the other night and "Duff", the owner of the place, broke a Guinness world record for the world's largest cupcake, which, when he finished it, turned out to be ...just a cake! Come on! Which genius at the Guinness Book of World Records couldn't figure this out? A gigantic cupcake is just a regular cake, you dumbass. If you take something and make a miniature version of it, then make a large version of the miniature thing, you're just back to the regular thing it was in the first place.

And then there's this guy.

Dean Peterson is a 6-foot-tall, 250-pound mail carrier from Lacey, Washington who is lobbying for the right to wear a kilt as part of his mail carrier uniform, which he calls a Male Unbifurcated Garment, or MUG.

"A lot of people think I'm crazy," said Peterson, 48, who became a mail carrier after retiring from the Air Force eight years ago. "This is important to me. I just want to be comfortable. I just want the option."

Peterson has spent the $1,800 he received as part of the federal government's stimulus package to send about 1,000 letters and photographs of a mockup of the new uniform to postal union branches in every state, as well as Guam and Puerto Rico.

"MUGs are worn all over the world and have been for thousands of years because they are comfortable," he wrote to fellow mailmen. "Unbifurcated Garments are far more comfortable and suitable to male anatomy than trousers or shorts because they don't confine the legs or cramp the male genitals the way that trousers or shorts do."

Ok. Here's a picture of Peterson in his Male Unbifurcated Garment , and if you ask me. "Dude! That's a skirt!" I'm sorry, but a kilt is covered in plaid. No plaid? No kilt. Kilt minus plaid equals skirt. Dude, I have no problem if you want to wear a skirt. Just don't try to pass it off as something else. Man up. Call a skirt a skirt. You wouldnšt ride around on a horse and call it a zebra, would you?

Julie's family is of German descent (as if the last name didn't give it away) and at Christmas time they have this supposed German tradition where Julie's father hides an ornament shaped like a pickle somewhere in the Christmas tree and we all look for it. The person that finds the pickle, gets an extra present. You can imagine my shock the first time Julie's dad invited me to "find his pickle". But since then I have to admit that playing hide the pickle with Julie has become one of my favorite Christmas traditions. Heck, we sometimes hide the pickle two or three times during the holidays, and if we feel like it, we'll hide the pickle a few times during the rest of the year just for the hell of it. You know, for birthdays, anniversaries or that sort of thing. Yeah, no doubt about it, hiding the pickle with Julie is lots of fun.

Did you hear about the guy who found out that he was cloned without permission?
He was beside himself in anger

On Wrigley's bag of dog food is a disclaimer:
"To ensure freshness please reseal bag".

My dog eats rabbit poop and constantly licks his own sack. I don't think stale food is one of his major concerns.

Here we go again...

Last issue I ranted about the Royal Caribbean Cruise people and their use of the rock anthem "Lust for life" in their commercials. Commercials which show clean cut wholesome people having clean cut wholesome fun; participating in wild and crazy activities, having, in fact, a "lust for life", and fulfilling that lust on a Royal Caribbean cruise. The only problem with this is that the song "Lust for Life" is a song about heroin addiction. The advertising execs know that most of the people seeing this commercial don't know anything about the song beyond the title, if in fact they even pay attention to that, so as long as they have a catchy hook, the song's content is moot.

Well another company is taking this same tactic in their ads. The product is Gatorade G2, which you drink to fuel you as you partake in all those wild extreme sports you do, and the song they use as the sound track for these spots is Lou Reed's "Take a walk on the wild side". Get it? Be wild! Take a walk on the wild side! Drink Gatorade! The problem with this song is that "Take a Walk on the Wild Side" isn't about wild extreme sports, it's about wild transvestite prostitutes. Which I guess can be considered an extreme sport by some, but I'm thinking, not really the kind of extreme sport Gatorade thought that they'd be keeping you hydrated for.

Here are some of the lyrics...

Holly came from Miami, F-L-A
Hitchhiked her way across the U-S-A
Plucked her eyebrows on the way
Shaved her legs and then he was a she
She says hey babe, take a walk on the wild side

Candy came from out on the Island
In the back room she was everybody's darlin'
But she never lost her head
Even when she was givin' head
She says hey babe, take a walk on the wild side

Little Joe never once gave it away
Everybody had to pay and pay
A hustle here and a hustle there
New York City's the place where
They said hey babe, take a walk on the wild side

So there you have it. Drink G2; walk on the wild side. Just don't break a heel while youšre doing it.

Buy me some peanuts and plaster cast

By now you all know about the statue unveiled last April at Wrigley Field of the great Chicago Cub and Hall of Famer Ernie Banks. What you didn't know is that my pal John Iwanski and I got to work on this statue.

To readmore of this story and to see more pics click here.

KENOSHA!!!!

We have a neighbor whose license plate is I DO K9S. I'm pretty sure this refers to the fact that she has some dog related job (i.e dog groomer) and not her sexual preference, but just to be on the safe side, I always walk Wrigley on the opposite side of the street. It just creeps me out when she waves to us from her front window wearing her nightie.

Kenosha is the only place I know where a Starbucks and a Pay-Day Loan Store are in the same building, with the same entrance. Kind of a contrast in lifestyles no? Either that or Starbucks coffee is way more expensive then I thought.

There was a feature the other day in the Kenosha News about Clara Bennett who trims her bush into the shape of a teapot...what a coincidence! So do I!

Once or twice a week the Kenosha News prints "Sound Off" , a section where they take messages left on their voice mail system by the concerned citizens of Kenosha and transcribes them for all to read.

Kenosha has it's share of problems...lack of industry, rising crime rates, rising drug rates, overcrowding in schools, and infrastructure problems. Serious problems all, but none of these compare to the serious problem I've reprinted (in bold type) below. A problem one of my fellow Kenoshans vents about, a problem that I'm sure has bothered each and every one of us from time to time. So without further adieu...

"By the time the owners, the supervisors, the workers, the inspectors and the gourmet restaurants get their hams, there are very little that get to the supermarket that are fit to eat. I've only had one or two good hams in my whole life. It doesn't make a difference how you cook them. It's just that they are picked over. You canšt buy a good, tender ham any more off the counter."

So there you have it my friends, bad economy? Rising gas prices? Are these the problems facing Kenosha? No. The most pressing issue in Kenosha, is the good ham shortage. What is America coming to, when a man CAN'T BUY A GOOD HAM ANY MORE! I dare say, I don't think I want to live in a country where a man has had only one or two good hams in his entire life. ONE OR TWO GOOD HAMS! IN HIS ENTIRE LIFE! GOD DAMN YOU owners, YOU supervisors, YOU workers AND YOU inspectors! AND ESPECIALLY GOD DAMN YOU, YOU GOURMET RESTAURANTS SERVING YOUR GOURMET HAMS! GOD DAMN YOU AND YOUR GOD DAMN GOURMET HAMS!!!!!! LEAVE A HAM OR TWO FOR THE LITTLE MAN. PLEASE! Won't you please just leave a ham for the little man.

Who's who?

One of these people is Oscar winning actress Meryl Streep and the other is Oscar winning director Mike Nichols.
Who's who?

Nichols is on the right.

a political who's who?

One of these guys is ex- Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff and the other is Chief of his Household (sorry Rene) Kevin Campe .

Kevin is on the right and the better-looking of the two.

Oh come on. There's a slight resemblance.

Yeah, yeah, yeah I know I should have done Sarah Palin and Tina Fey , but that's been done to death already.

Junk Drawer
The last words that Walt Disney wrote down before he died in 1966 were "Kurt" and "Russell" on a little piece of note paper. The movie star Kurt Russell was a child actor signed to the studio at the time.

"It's true. I don't know what to make of that," the star said recently. "I was taken into his office one time after he died, and I was shown that." Though the note alone confused Russell, what really got him was all the little hearts drawn around his name.

Science!

Engineering students at Purdue and the University of Michigan have finally answered the age old question, "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?" "Licking machines" built by the Purdue and Michigan students hit the center of a Tootsie Pop at 364 & 411 licks respectively. Tests conducted with real people determined that it takes 252 swipes on average to hit the center. And even though they have settled this conundrum, I still have one question that begs to be answered...where the hell can I get one of those "licking machines"!?

Kal's Pals Trivia
Which Kal's pal is the new lead singer for the Blooze Brothers, the leading Blues Brothers tribute band in Chicago?
Jeff Sismelich

Jeff Sismelich

And I Quote
more or less

If you click on Jeff here,
you'll get an explanation of his quote.

Who The Hell Are You?!

Lil' Lori

Name:
Lori Crane Zarling

Birthday:
December 3 1971

Birthplace:
Indianapolis, Indiana.

Occupation:
IT Director (or Computer Geek).

Current Home:
Lincoln Square on the north side of Chicago.

Working On:
Keeping as busy as possible.

Worst Job Experience:
Cutting off the tip of my finger while chopping lettuce for the salad bar at Western Sizzlin.

The Last Movie I Saw:
Don't know if I would really say "good" but The Simpsons Movie was funny.

The Book I've Been Reading:
Just finished The Girls' Guide to Hunting and Fishing and now trying to read A Room With a View.

Favorite Pig Out Food:
Tough choice between pizza and popcorn.

Nickname:
Lil' Lori or The Kid.

Favorite Performer:
Don't really have one favorite but my last concert was Prince and he put on a great show.

Prized Possession:
My elf Christmas ornament.

People always think I'm:
Laughing (which I guess I usually am).

I'd give anything to meet:
I can't really think of anyone right now.

Favorite Annual Event:
Tough choice between Venetian night and the air show.

A really great evening to me is:
Just hanging out with friends wherever we can all get together.

My Fantasy Is:
Win the lottery and quit my job (too bad I don't play the lottery).

Lori and her sister Karen

The One Thing I Can't Stand is:
People touching my ears.

If I Could Change One Thing About Myself:
To be more confident.

I'm Really Good At:
Procrastinating.

My Most Irrational Act:
Wow, am I really that boring that I can't think of one irrational act. Either I'm really a rational person or I just think I am.

If I've Learned One Thing In Life It's:
Never take anything for granted and live everyday to the fullest.

Major Accomplishment:
Getting married, recent everyday accomplishment - getting pumpkins to grow in my garden.

Hobbies:
Tennis, volleyball, guitar.

Three words that best describe me:
Brainy, enthusiatic, fun.*

* Lori couldnšt pick her own three words so she asked me to do it for her.

KEVIN CONNECTION
I met Lori through a work association I belong to; Lori works for them and I'm a member. Whenever there's a function for this association, the employees are told that they have to mingle with members. Lori and her co-workers all center around me, and use me as their token member. I've got to admit, it's kind of flattering. Well after drinking at a number of these meetings, we just became drinking partners in the real world.

FAVORITE LORI STORY
Oh do I have the stories about Lori! For a number of years Lori was my number one drinking partner. We spent many a night stumbling around the bars of Chicago in a drunken stupor going from one ugly adventure to another; but my favorite Lori "story" is that despite living only three blocks from Wrigley field for years, she never went to a Cub's game. I took her to her first Cubs game at Wrigley sometime back in 97; thus dooming her and ruining her life forvever by turning her into a Cub's fan. But considering how Išve doomed and ruined the lives of the other woman whose paths Išve crossed, she got off easy.

And In Closing...
I know under the "That's My Julie!" section I said that I'd give her a break because of our Anniversary and all, but I just couldn't resist.

Julie was telling me about the student protesters in Athens and how things were really getting out of hand, she said "they always have protests in Athens, but these are getting pretty violent. These students are even throwing mazel tov cocktails !" "Are they Jewish protesters?" I asked.

"That's my Julie!" L'chaim!