Kevitorial

Okay here's the thing. I think I'm suffering from some sort of compulsive disorder.
The reason this newsletter took so long to get done is that I've become terrified of sending it out with a mistake. It's actually been finished for months, but I keep poring over it looking for errors. Spelling, grammatical, typos, whatever. I can't let it go because I know as soon as it's in the mail, I'll spot a boo-boo. I've been paralyzed by my incompetence.

You have to understand that this newsletter goes out to some very bright people. Teachers, lawyers, people with PHD's, doctors and even some professional writers for cryin' out load! I'm just a guy who barely made it out of high school, then went to college for art! ART FOR GOD'S SAKE! I'm barely literate here people!

But enough is enough and even though it's almost a year old, with stories about things that happened last December, and certainly mistakes galore; I've decided that I can no longer live in fear, I must shoulder on and persevere. For if I don't publish Kal's Pals for fear of my mistakes, then the terrorists have surely won. Or my third grade teacher has lost, it just depends on your perspective.

Friends and Lovers

My cousin Sean Ervin and his wife Anne, had a baby girl, Audrey Carolina Ervin back in April. Proving that Sean isn't impotent after all, which means another cousin of mine, JoMarie owes me 20 bucks. I told you JoMarie.

Less than a year after adopting their first son, Thomas; Dave Askman and Mandy Rafool went ahead and adopted another baby boy; Daniel. In the words of Dave, "What the hell were we thinking"? The Askman/Rafool family couldn't be happier though. Sleep deprived, and up to their eyeballs in poopy diapers; but happy.

Kevin Campe just made partner at his firm. Kev is an actuary which means nobody knows what he does for a living. But his wife Rene seems very proud. And if his partners, aren't bothered by his constantly surfing the web for farm-animal porn and baseball scores, then good for him. Oh wait. Wrong Kevin. I'm the Kevin that's constantly surfing the web for farm-animal porn and baseball scores. Heh, heh, Sorry. Congrats Kev.

On May 5th, Scott M. & Rick T. were married in Worchester Mass. It was a very fun time for all, but I have to be honest here, I was a little nervous about attending this wedding. This was a new experience for me; a wedding of this kind. I didn't know what to expect from these kind of people; they can be a little, well different sometimes. You know what I mean, people who are, well...from New England. But hey, everything was cool and we had a great time. Kisses to Scott & Rick.

Kathy Melia and Phil Gardella are another Mass couple we know who were married recently. A lovely ceremony in a seaside church followed by a fun filled party on a huge bar/deck over looking the Ocean. Complete with a New England raw bar. Which having all those oysters came in handy when I got back to our room later. Too bad Julie fell asleep and missed all the fun though.

It's Cheri!!!!

That's My Julie!

Julie and I went to a wedding last month, and as usual, I was finished getting ready way before she was. After 20 minutes or so I peeked into the bathroom to see what was holding her up. What was holding her up, was that she had decided to take this time to clean her engagement ring...WITH MY TOOTHBRUSH!

Which probably explains why my breath is always so metal polish fresh.

"That's my Julie!"

University of Illinois mascot Chief Illiniwec is no more. I really don't care, but my wife, and other KP readers who are Illinois Alumni find this upsetting. So in their honor I wrote this Haiku...

Suburban white boy,
dance for me in your buckskins.
I weep blue and orange.

This kind of sums it all up for me.
In a smart-ass, Kevin kind of way.

Here's an ad for Home Depot.
Their advertising people really know their stuff, because I don't know about you, but I always set up a scaffold whenever I paint two feet above the floor!!!!!

Chicago Stories

So this guy goes to a Tattoo parlor in Chicago and wants to get the words Chi-Town tattooed across his chest. After a couple of hours, the tattoo is finished and the tattooee gets up and looks at it in the mirror. It's then after two hours of pain of suffering that he notices that the tattoo does not in fact say Chi-Town, but Chi-Tonw.

Of course the tattooee is now suing the tattooer and in a show of support for the dyslexic inker, his friends, and other shit-heads across Chicago are getting Chi-tonw tattooed on various parts of their bodies.

But do you know what's the really sad part of this story? Besides the fact that nobody in Chicago refers to it as Chi-town? What's really sad is that I proof read this story five times before I realized that I had misspelled Chi-town as Chi-tonw twice myself.

Scott Wiese, a Bears fan, lost a Super Bowl XLI bet to an Indianapolis Colts fan. The bet stated that if the Bears lost to the Colts, (which they did, by a score of 29 - 17), Wiese would have to change his name to Peyton Manning. However, a Judge has ruled against the Manning name change because of the confusion and invasion of privacy that it would cause. He will however allow Wiese to change his name to Dumb-ass Fuck head instead.

I was behind this guy on the expressway a month ago who had a vanity license plate that read SOX R IT.
So I got next to him and yelled out my window, "Hey pal! You left off the S.H!" He chased me for ten miles before I finally lost him by hiding out in a car wash.

Of course two weeks later the Cubs got sweept in the playoffs. Ha, ha, I guess the laughs on me.

I stayed home from work on Tuesday March 6th, and when I showed up the next day, my dad/boss asked me where I was the day before. I was like, "What? The Mayor declared yesterday Jennifer Hudson Day; it was a holiday. I took the day off. Weren't we closed? What's the problem"?

He docked me a day's pay. Gee dad, you act like Jennifer Hudson Day is a meaningless holiday or something.

The other night Julie got out of bed to go use the bathroom. Of course I then woke up, and like any guy in his late forties decided that I also had to use the bathroom. Julie went and used her bathroom, and me mine.
As we both climbed back into bed I said to her "Here we are, just like two ships pissing in the night".

I thought this was pretty funny when I said it; but of course when I said it, it was three in the morning.

This is a true story.
A couple of weeks ago I woke up in the middle of the night and looked over at the clock. The time was 1:23, which I thought was kind of neat. 1.2.3. What are the odds of that I thought; not only waking up to numbers in a sequence, but the very first numbers that start the whole number counting thing. I thought this would be a good number to play in the Lotto.
About three weeks later I woke up in the middle of the night again. This time though the time was 3:21. Which wasn't so neat because I was sure that now my time had just counted down and was running out. I stayed up the rest of the night, shivering and hiding under my covers.

Racine, WI is the birthplace of Horlick's Malted Milk Mix and appropriately enough there is a high school in town named after Mr. Horlick. The kids who go to Horlick High refer to themselves as Horlickers...I SO want a t-shirt that says I'm a Horlicker. Not that I am. A whore licker that is. I have kissed a stripper though.

There's a hamburger joint in Kenosha, named Ron's, and on their appetizer menu is an item that they call the jumbo mini taco. I don't know about you, but where I come from a jumbo mini taco is just called...a taco?

I think I'm in trouble.
I checked my credit score and it came back 666!

After a run of almost 5 years, Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas has decided not to renew the $100 million contract of Celine Dion Caesar's officials are now in the process of auditioning a replacement act for Ms. Dion. Front runners are a bag full of screeching cats and an eight year old boy who runs his finger nails down a blackboard.

I was in Barnes and Noble the other day and saw copies of Anna Karenia by the great Russian author Leo Tolstoy. Each copy was wrapped in a paper band declaring it an Oprah's Book Club Choice. Come on people! Do we need Oprah to tell us that a hundred year old classic is worth reading? Oprah's next book club choice? The Bible. She hears good buzz about it. She thinks people might like it.

Q. Kal, why do hot dogs come in packs of 10, when hot dog buns come in packs of 12? It just doesn't make any sense? Signed: Wiener Whiner.

A. Dear Wiener.
This is a question that has plagued mankind for eons. O.k, maybe not for eons, but definitely since the late 1950's. But either way the answer is very simple; it's just a case of two industries, with two different measuring standards. Look on your wiener package. (No. Not that wiener package.), Do you see that the hot dogs are sold by the pound? That's the way it is in the world of meat. Everything is sold by pounds. One hot dog = 1/10 of a pound. Thus, ten hot dogs equal one pound. Now on the other hand, in the world of baked goods, things are sold by the dozen. Surely you've heard the saying "a baker's dozen"?

See? I told you the answer was simple. "Buns by the dozen, meat by the pound". Gee, that sounds like a porn flick I rented last time Julie was out of town.

The Oscar Meyer Company (the world's largest seller of hot dogs) says they only get about 10 complaints a year concerning the dog to bun ratio problem, so from a corporate stand point, it's not worth the millions it would cost them to change their packaging to accommodate two extra wieners.

Dr. Jeff on the other hand will always do what ever it takes to accommodate two extra wieners. Or extra buns for that matter.

Milk is going for over $4 a gallon. I didn't know Vice President Cheney had interests in the dairy industry.

The Harry Potter saga has finally ended and I for one am a little surprised at the ending...Harry buys an Uzi and blows Lord Voldemort away while screaming "Enough of this magic crap! Say hello to my little friend!"?

I was expecting something a little more magical. Oh well. But hey! This all got me to thinking about how much young Harry and I have in common. So here they are...

...the Similarities between Kevin Ervin & Harry Potter

Harry's middle name is James
Kevin's middle name is James

Harry hangs around with a brutish hairy giant
Kevin IS a brutish hairy giant

Harry has a white owl as a pet
Kevin once smoked a White Owl on a bet

Harry has a lightning bolt shaped scar on his forehead
Kevin has a teeth mark shaped scar on his ass

Harry spent much of his youth battling the evil Lord Voldemort
Kevin spent much of his youth battling the evil Lord Calvert

Harry's two best friends (Ron & Herminone) are secretly in love
Kevin's two best friends (Mike & Jeff) are secretly in love

Harry can do magic with his wand
Well I don't want to brag or anything, but according to the ladies I've done some magic with my "wand" too

Lust for life

Have you seen these commercials for Royal Carribean Cruise Lines? They're the ones with a bunch of twenty-somethings or an all-American family having tons of fun while on a cruise? There's always a group of clean-cut, happy people, golfing, rock climbing, jet skiing or just enjoying life in the sunshine and fresh, ocean air. All good, clean, wholesome fun. Meanwhile, in the background, a portion of the Iggy Pop anthem Lust for Life pounds out it's famous sticcatto drum beat over and over again adding a sense of excitement to the whole commercial.

Pretty normal stuff as far as commercials go, except for the one little fact that Lust for Life is a song all about heroin addiction, not windsurfing in the Bahamas. Frolicking in the pool with your family...clean and wholesome; shooting up heroin and passing out in the gutter: not so much.

The ad people and Royal Carribean kind of selectively leave out a bunch of lyrics. Not that I really care, I just think it's funny that these marketing geniuses didn't think of this whole heroin thing.

Here's a sample of some of the lyrics ...

Here comes Johnny Yen again
With the liquor and drugs
And the flesh machine
He's gonna do another strip tease.
Hey man, where'd ya get that lotion?
I've been hurting since I've bought the gimmick

"Johnny Yen", "liquor and drugs", "flesh machine", "lotion", and "gimmick"...all drug references my friend.

Here's some more...

Yeah, I'm through with sleeping on the sidewalk
No more beating my brains
No more beating my brains
With liquor and drugs
With liquor and drugs.

Well you get the gist. And there's many, many more of these references in the song, I'm just scratching the surface here. Like I said before, I just think it's funny that Royal carribean is prompting this fun healthy lifestyle on their cruises and they're using a heroin song to do it.

Now some people when they hear this song, they start thinking about taking a cruise, frolicking in the surf, enjoying life and having an all around good time. Me? It just reminds me of the 8 days in 1983 that I stayed locked in a cheap motel room with Mike Bania trying to pry the junky monkey off of his back.

Just say no people...to bad advertising.

Dr. Wolfgang Von Screwball Salutes...

Herman Stein 1915 - 2007

Hello you little screwballs! You're probably wondering why Kevin has turned part of his crap-infested "snoozeletter" over to me...Dr. Wolfgang Von Screwball, genius and greatest mad scientist in the world? Because you brainless zombie, I'm here to pay tribute to another genius...Mr. Herman Stein. What's a Herman Stein you ask? (showing your ignorance like the little amoebic brained creature that you are). Herman Stein! Herman Stein who was a staff composer at Universal Studios during the 40's, 50's and 60's! Herman Stein the self taught composer. Herman Stein who contributed to nearly 200 films for Universal and other movie studios! That Herman Stein, you dumkauf!

Herman Stein wrote scores for all kinds of movies; westerns, comedies, and dramas, but, he's mostly known for his work on 1950's science fiction films and is considered by most movie experts as the creator of the "1950's sci-fi movie sound".

Now do you understand why I'm doing this tribute instead of that idiot "Kal"? Fool! It's because I am an afficionado of the Sci-fi/Horror movie genre, and the music that goes along with it. Not like that bee-bop, or rocky roll junk the kids are listening to today!

Anyway, Mr Stein the genius, who was much smarter then you, wrote scores for such classics as It Came from Outer Space (1953), The Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954), This Island Earth (1955), Tarantula (1955) and The Incredible Shrinking Man.

So Mr Herman Stein, musical genius who was almost as smart as myself; you gave me and all the other little creeps out there plenty of chills and spine tingling thrills with your creepy crawly music. You added much enjoyment to all the cheesey "B" movies I've spent my life watching, and for that, I salute you.

Now let me get back to my experiment; I'm replacing Kevin's brain with a grilled cheese sandwich, which should double his intelligence.
Mwhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

This is the logo for the Blume Animal Hospital in Chicago. If any of my readers take their cats or birds there I'd be nervous, because judging by their logo, they're apparently feeding them to dogs!

Anatomy of a Christmas Card
I received a lot of questions this year about the 2006 Ervin/Rittmiller Christmas card. Questions like; where did we shoot this picture? Is that really Julie? Is that really Kevin? Is Kevin wearing anything under that Santa robe? Who are those other people? etc. etc. etc. So I thought since so many of my pals were curious about how we created this card, that I'd do a little break-down on how the whole thing was made.

To find out how I did this click here.

Who's Who?
One of these guys is Hip-Hop rap star Eminem.
The other is indicted former Mayor Daley patronage chief Robert Sorich.

One's a rapper and one's taking the wrap.
Who's who?

Sorich is on the right.

And I Quote
more or less

If you click on Jeff,
you'll get an explanation of his quote.

Junk Drawer
When Andrew Jackson was running for President, the newspapers called him a jack-ass . He wasn't offended though. On the contrary, he thought it was a great image and welcomed it with open arms. In fact, he embraced the jack-ass so much that it became the official mascot of his political party...the Democrats.

And if it was good enough for Old Hickory , then it's good enough for me dang nabbit! HEE-HAW!

Science!
Scientists have discovered what women have always known...men don't need a brain to ejaculate. That function it turns out is controlled by the spinal column.

Personally I've been ejaculating brainlessly since I was 11. Which probably explains my twisted spine and poor posture.

Kal's Pals Trivia
Which Kals' pal... would frequently hang around Milwaukee's old County Stadium when the Brave's played there and wait for home run king Hank Aaron after the games, who would then give him a ride home?

My cousin, Milwaukee Brave's and now Brewer's fan Mark Salmon.

Let's see a-hole Barry Bonds do that for a fan. He won't even sign autographs the shrivelled-testies-steroid-using-juice junky!

Mark and hammerin' Hank Aaron

Who The Hell Are You?!

Name:
Dave Askman

Birthday:
3/30/1962 (shared with Eric Clapton, man).

Birthplace:
Sidney, MT.

Occupation:
Drycleaner, lawyer, student.

Working On:
My ice hockey skills.

Worst Job Experience:
Trimming Xmas trees with a really sharp machete (that's right, they don't grow that shape) when I was 10 years old. Bleeding grade-schoolers everywhere.

The Last Good Movie I Saw:
Pan's Labyrinth - seriously twisted.

The Book I've Been Reading:
The Dogs of Riga, by Henning Mankell. It's a slow Swedish mystery.

Favorite Pig Out Food:
Sushi. I'm a bottomless pit.

Nickname:
Mookie, tater-boy, the Ass Man.

Favorite Performer:
Greg Dulli. I don't know why he's not a huge rockstar.

Prized Possession:
My big bag of ticket stubs.

People always think I'm:
Ed Norton. I also get a few "aren't you Chandler Bing?"

I'd give anything to meet:
Sarah Silverman.

Favorite Annual Event:
The New Orleans JazzFest. Hands down.

A really great evening to me is:
A couple great bottles of wine and the perfect mix tape on a hot summer night on the patio.

My Fantasy Is:
Playing bass for the Who; or playing in the Stanley Cup Finals with the Washington Caps.

The One Thing I Can't Stand is:
Tow truck drivers.

If I Could Change One Thing About Myself:
I'd eat onions. Can't stand the things, and they're in everything.

I'm Really Good At:
Remembering college teams' nicknames. I'm pretty good at bad '70s music, too.

My Most Irrational Act:
Adopting two children 8 months apart. What the hell were we thinking?

If I've Learned One Thing In Life It's:
Good manners and a big vocabulary can open a lot of doors.

Major accomplishment:
I was trial counsel for the U.S. Justice Department on the largest environmental prosecution in the history of the United States. So far, we're winning.

Hobbies:
Skiing, traveling, team sports.

Three words that best describe me:
Mellow, late, pale

KEVIN CONNECTION
Dave is the husband of Mandy Rafool, who is a life long friend of Julie. So I met Dave, when I started dating Jules. Ours is a friendship forged by a love of good music, good food and the women of Peoria.

FAVORITE DAVE STORY
A week before dave and mandy got married, Dave went jumping on a friends trampoline and did a beautiful face plant, resulting in a rather nasty looking facial scraping. Ouch! Mandy made him wear make-up at their wedding so that he looked pretty for the pictures. Ha-ha.

Dave and Mandy live in Denver and their wedding was in Aspen, so to get from Denver to Aspen, Dave naturally rode his motorcycle...up and down the twisting wet roads of Colorado. Then, just to make things interesting; on his wedding day, Dave decided to go skiing in the rapidly melting snow. One has to ask themselves; what was Dave's motivation for all of this daredevilish behavior? Was he subconsciously looking for a way out of this wedding? Nah. He's just a nut. Which is why we love him and wouldn't have him any other way.

Keep on keeping on Dave. Keep on keeping on.

And In Closing...
The Pope has issued a set of "Ten Commandments" for drivers, because he says, driving can unleash road rage and other immoral behavior, including excess speed, reckless passing, cursing and just plain rudeness.

Some of the "Commandments" are:

The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm.

Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events.

And finally: Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination and an occasion of sin.

Pretty big talk for a guy who gets chauffeured around everywhere in a bullet proof "Pope-mobile". Let's see him make my daily commute for a month and wešll see how courteous and prudent he is.