Kevitorial

Since last we met...

They played the World Cup this summer. Oh that's right, except for the two drunk Irish guys at the end of the bar...NOBODY CARES!

Milwaukee, WI. was voted the drunkest city in America by Forbes Magazine. To which the Mayor of Milwaukee replied, "You think you're better then me?! You think you're better then me?! Huh?! Do you?! You sumabitch! You're not better then me."

Astronomers have determined that Pluto is too small in size to still be considered a planet. Uranus on the other hand seems to be plenty big.

I visited the Tut exhibit at the Field Museum. I found out that when the boy king was mummified, his penis was wrapped with flowers. Were they tulips?

And finally ...Mel Gibson, Mark Foley, Ted Haggard, Michael Richards, O.J. Simpson, Pamela Anderson & Kid Rock and Britney Spears...shame on you all.

And now we're all caught up.

Friends and Lovers

Mandy R. and Dave A. have adopted a beautiful baby boy; Thomas Case A.. Thomas was born May 6, 2006 in Oklahoma City he was 7 pounds, 20 inches, and very hairy. I'll let Dave tell you the story behind the adoption; it goes something like this...

"Mandy and I had been told that the prospective birthmother was scheduled for a C-section on May 22, 2006. SCHEDULED, man. Isn't that supposed to mean something? Can't we rely on anything any more? This country's going straight to hell.
Anyway, based on this representation, we decided to have one last blowout at Jazzfest in New Orleans. After our first night out, and an early morning out, we arrived back at our hotel. Mandy's phone starts to ring and, guess what? That's right, man, baby comin' out.
So, ten hours and two flights later, we stagger into an Oklahoma City hospital, dressed in Hawaiian shirts, torn shorts and reeking of cigarettes and beer. We made this Jack Nicholson "Here's Johnny" entrance. A welcome sight, I'm sure. They gave us the baby, anyway."

Missy and Sean S. are also new parents. Marcus Lee S. was born on July, 19th and weighted in at 7.6 pounds., 19.8 inches long. For those keeping score the number of boys vs. girls in the S. family, it's boys...9; girls...1.

On Saturday, August 12th Annie O. & John M. were married at Saint Giles Church in Oak Park, Illinois. And even though the bride's a Cub's fan, and the groom's loyalties tilt towards the Cardinals, we anticipate they'll have a long, loving life together.

Cheri bought a new car, which isn't really that big of a deal, but you know, I always have to have a picture of Cheri somewhere in the newsletter. It's in our charter.

Life with Julie
Julie and I were watching a television show the other night and this guy was wearing a "v" neck t-shirt exposing his chest.

"Yuck, he's really hairy" says she.

This from the woman who married a guy, who looks like he's wearing a mohair sweater...when he's shirtless. Yeah I know, nice image, just be thankful I don't ask you to shave my back during beach weather.

Anyway..."That's my Julie!"

After 4 months of driving around on an expired Illinois drivers license I finally broke down and applied for a license in Wisconsin (see story below). As you would imagine, Wisconsin has a number of weird qualifications I had to meet before they would issue me a drivers license...so here they are...

The Ten Weird Things I Had To Do To
Get My Wisconsin Drivers License .

10. Trade in my Camel hair coat for a camouflage snow mobile suit.

9. Sign up as an organ donor...
but exclusively for Brett Favre.

8. Promise to drive in the left hand lane at 45 mph.

7. Complain about the Illinois drivers going over 45 mph in the left hand lane.

6. Drive with a dear carcass tied across my hood...
all year round.

5. Took license photo wearing State required Packer hat.

4. Recite, by memory the recipe for a Brady Alexander.

3. Name the best place in the county for a fish fry.

2. Sing three polkas, "On Wisconsin" and the "Chicken Dance" song.

and the number one thing I had to do to get my Wisconsin drivers license was...
Eat my weight in cheese curds.

Despite my love of all things Sopranos I'm basically a law and order kind of guy. Most of the time I obey the laws of the land; but every once in a while I get a bug up my butt and say the hell with it and try to rebel. Nine out of ten times when I try to stick it to the man, it's me who ends up getting stuck. As the saying goes "you can't beat City Hall". Case in point, I went to the Wisconsin DMV a couple of months ago, and after sitting there for over an hour and a half they told me that the I.D. documents I brought with me weren't any good for getting a license, even though, they were the documents listed on the DMV website. When I pointed this out to the clerk he said "Oh well, that website is out of date and they need to fix it". Needless to say I was miffed. So I said "to hell with them, I'm not getting a license" and I left.

Fast forward a month to when my car brakes down and I need a rental car. Julie was out of town so I had to have my dad drive me to the rental place. On my way there I remembered that I no longer had a valid driver's license and as you know, you can't rent a car without a license; so guess what? My DAD had to rent the car and I ended up using his car until mine was fixed.

I am such a LOSER! Here I am, a 46 year old man and I had to have my dad rent a car for me. Pathetic.

But I swear, as God as my witness...one day I will find the man and I will stick it to him. Unless of course I have to have my daddy do it for me.

Highway Hi-Jinx

I was driving home on the Kennedy Expressway the other day when I look in my rear-view mirror and see Kal's pal, Pete S. driving behind me; so I pick up my cell phone and call Dr. Jeff (who is one of Pete's oldest friends). As soon as Jeff answers, I say "Quick! Call Pete and tell him to quit tailgating the guy in front of him". Jeff hangs up and I start watching Pete in the rear-view mirror. After a couple of seconds, I see Pete pick up his cell; there's a puzzled look on his face; he peers ahead; I wave; and we both laugh. Good times.

But wait! That's not all!

Jeff calls me back and as we talk we discover that he is on the Edens Expressway traveling South, and I'm on the Edens Expressway traveling North, so as any couple of 46 year olds would do, we get in our respective left hand lanes, stick our arms out of our windows and wave as we pass each other. Jeff and I have done this a couple of times and I know it sounds stupid, and juvenile, but I gotta tell you, everytime we do this we laugh our butts off. Nothing makes my day like speeding down the highway at 70 miles an hour, while talking on the phone, and waving out the window to look across the highway and see Jeff's smiling face whizzing by me; it's a hoot. It's great fun and definitely worth the risk of an accident and/or death to ourselves and our fellow drivers.

By the way, you might want to call Jeff or me the next time you're driving the Edens just to check and see if the coast is clear.

There's a show in Kenosha that runs on Cable Access called Dr. Destruction's Crimson Theatre. As you can probably guess from the title, this is one of those shows that play really bad monster movies and the host (Dr. Destruction) does a little shtick here and there for grins. I stumbled across this program when we first moved to Kenosha and I've been a fan ever since.

I've always been a fan of local kid's shows, having grown up during the "Golden Age" of children's programming in what has long been considered the Mecca of such fare; Chicago. Puppets, clowns, and horror hosts filled the air waves as I grew up and frankly, I think the world is a little grimmer without them.

Anyway, over the last couple years I've run into Dr. D. here and there around town and we chat about different monster movies and stuff...well to make a long story short, he invited me on his show to talk about old Chicago kid shows like, Bozo's Circus, Garfield Goose, Cartoon Town, Creature Features and Svenghoulie. When we were done filming he said he liked my character and invited me back as a recurring co-host. So from time to time, I now appear on Dr Destruction's Crimson Theatre as Professor Wolfgang Von Screwball, sidekick to Dr. Destruction.

I don't know what's scarier though, the fact that I, a 46 year old man dresses up as a mad scientist every week, or that Julies started asking me to wear the costume to bed.
For more about Dr. Screwball go to...
www.myspace.com/drscrewball
For more about Dr. Destruction's Crimson Theatre go to...
dr-destruction.tripod.com

The other day at the office, my sister Linda was cutting me a check. While doing this, she said..."I probably knew this but I just never really paid it too much attention; but the last three letters in your first name (KeVIN), are the same as the last three letters in your last name (ErVIN)".

Yes Linda they are...but on top of that (and this might really blow your mind) the first two letters of my first name (KEvin)?...they're my initials!!!

But as mind blowing as all this is, what's really mind blowing is the fact that it took my sister 44 years to figure this out.

If this keeps up, I might have to start a "That's my Linda" feature.

Here are some interesting statistics on department store Santas compiled by the Amalgamated Order of Real Bearded Santas...

Average Age: 59
Average Height: 5ft., 10in.
Average Weight: 275 lbs.
Education: 78% college grad
Military Service: 56%
Average years as Santa: 12
Favorite Film: Miracle on 34th Street
Average number of children seen per day: 194
Favorite Song: Santa Claus is Coming to Town
Favorite Cookie: Chocolate Chip

Obviously I needed some filler for this issue, otherwise I'd never print anything this wholesome. It was either this Santa stuff or pictures of Britney Spears going around without her underwear, but I thought that was a little too much, even for me. I mean, come on, my Aunts read this newsletter, and some of them go to daily Mass. Which is a good thing for me, because let's face it, without their prayers I'm screwed afterlife-wise. So for my Aunt's sake I have to control the nasty stuff every once in a while.

And if you still want to see pictures of Britney sans underwear go to www.bangedup.com.

Robert DeNiro has a new movie coming out titled "The Good Shepherd". George Clooney has a new one titled "The Good German". When you combine them you get "The Good German Shepherd", which is a movie we watched at Mike Bania's bachelor party.

O.k., forget all that stuff I wrote above about controlling myself for my Aunt's sake. I'm just a pig at heart.

From Richard Roeper's Column back on April 26th:

"When I wrote an item about Martha Sokol, the Orland Park woman who was disappointed when she didn't get a White Sox replica ring to give to her nephew with Down syndrome, I was certain I'd be hearing from you guys -- and you didn't disappoint. About 20 readers have contacted me to say they'd give up their rings, and the offers continue to come in. Courtesy of one benefactor, Martha now has a ring -- but I do appreciate all the offers. Very classy, folks."

O.k. Maybe not all Sox fans are a-holes after all.
Just Tim T..
He'd be an a-hole no matter what team he cheered for.

Who's Who?

One of these guys is Ex Speaker of the House Dennis Hassert, the other is infamous Chicago radio talk show host Steve Dahl.
Congressman? Radio buffoon? What's the difference?

Who's who?

Hassert is on the right.

And I Quote
more or less

If you click on Michele,
you'll get an explanation of his quote.

Junk Drawer
In The Godfather: Part II, actor Troy Donahue played a character named Merle Johnson. "Troy Donahue" was in fact a stage name; "Troy's" real name was of course Merle Johnson. Cute huh? As A side note, Troy received his stage name from the same person who gave Rock Hudson his stage name: Hollywood Press Agent Henry Wilson.

You might recall that back in the 50šs my stage name was Buck Mannley. But that was only for my very short experiment into gay porn.

Science!
How's this for a bunch of brainiac's? Researchers in Scotland, doing a study for the science journal Biological Psychology found that orgasms achieved during intercourse are 4 times more satisfying than those achieved from masturbation.

Well duh! You haggis eating sheep chasers. I mean come on! Somebody paid money for this research?

Here's another scoop for you; steak is better then bologna. How about this? $1,000,000 is better then $10. Or this one? A horses ass is smarter then a group of Scottish researchers.

Kal's Pals Trivia

Scott

Which Kal's pal...once worked at a Hostess Bakery baking plant making Apple Pies when he was a teenager?
To this day he can't stand the sight or smell of them?
Scott Mong

Who The Hell Are You?!

Connie a Lincoln High Freshman

Name:
Connie P. (some call me Concetta)

Birthday:
January 24th, 1942.

Birthplace:
Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

Occupation:
Office Assistant.

Working On:
Losing weight.

Worst Job Experience:
Worked with a lady who passed gas all the time and couldn't control it.

The Last Good Movie I Saw:
The DaVinci Code
(I don't usually go to the movies, I wait until they come out on HBO).

Favorite Pig Out Food:
Donuts and french fries.

Nickname:
CAP.

Favorite Performer:
Music would be Tina Turner and actor would be Paul Newman .

Connie & fellow Lincoln High classmate Al Jarreau

Prized Possession:
An old yellow stool that belonged to my mother also her buffet.

People always think I'm:
Friendly and adaptable to any situation.

I'd give anything to meet:
Paul Newman .

Nina, Rose, Nana, Mary, Connie and Chuck
(the Alioto's)

Favorite Annual Event:
Baking cookies with my daughter, brother and sisters for Christmas.

A really great evening to me is:
Watching old movies and eating popcorn.

My Fantasy Is:
Winning the lottery and telling my boss to take the job and @#%#$%.

The One Thing I Can't Stand is:
People who kiss up.

If I Could Change One Thing About Myself:
To worry less about others.

I'm Really Good At:
Cooking and planning events.

My Most Irrational Act:
When I was young, I crawled under a fence at a restricted area on Lake Michigan, and went swimming off the rocks with friends.

If I've Learned One Thing In Life It's:
Look for the good in all people.

Major accomplishment:
Latest major accomplishment-biking the hills of Tuscany.

Hobbies:
Fishing and crafts.

Three words that best describe me:
Italian, sassy and Kevin's Godmother.

Connie and daughter Annie

KEVIN CONNECTION
Connie is my mother's youngest sister; she is also my Godmother. Under her name she says "some people call me Concetta". That would be me. I call her Concetta because her real name is "Concetta Antonina", slap on her maiden name of Alioto and you got one good dago happening there. I usually call her "Gomadie" Concetta, which everybody in our family used to think meant "Godmother" Concetta. We used to think that, until my Aunt Mary told us it "kind of means Godmother but not Godmother like from the church, but just a Godmother". Huh? Don't worry I'm as confused by that statement as you are. Aunt Mary has a way of doing that to people.

Connie and Rosie

FAVORITE CONNIE STORY
As kids growing up, my mother used to boss my Aunt Connie around something fierce. Once, when Connie was about 12, my mother was hanging around the house with a bunch of her girlfriend's. As usual, my mom and these girls started ordering Connie around. "Hey Connie. Get me this". "Hey Connie. Get me that". Finally my mother said "Hey Connie. Go get me a glass of water. And make sure it's cold!" So off little Connie went to get her evil sister a glass of water.

Connie came back a few minutes later and Rose (my mother) drank the water. "Is that good water?" Connie asked. "Yes" said Rose. "Is the water cold enough for you"? asked Connie. "Yes" said Rose. "Good" said Connie, "I'm glad you like it, cause I got it out of the toilet"! With that, she ran out of the house hotly pursued by my mother and her friends.

A couple of years ago, Connie sent my mother a bottle of water for her birthday. She never drank it.

And In Closing...
When you think of sexy cities what do you think of? Las Vegas? Bangkok? New York? What about Elmhurst Illinois? Yep, Elmhurst, IL, Population 43,000 leads the nation in Google searches for the word "sex". They also lead in searches for the words "porn", "vibrator" and "anal sex".

The following Kal's pals live in Elmhurst...Eric & Kim F., Scott & Cindy R., Steve & Kathy W. and Kathy & Rob Z..

I don't know what you guys are up to in that town...but hell, invite me to the party once in a while would you?