The White Sox won the World Series last year. Good for them. Congrats. They played well all season, had the best record in the American League, almost swept the play-offs and did end up sweeping the Astro's to become the 2005 World Series winners. They were true champs and deserve all the accolades and rewards that have come their way. Now having said all of that; I don't give a shit!

I don't mean that in a hateful way. I am not anti-White Sox, I'm just not a fan. And for all those people who say "Yeah, but the White Sox are a Chicago team; you have to cheer for a Chicago team." No I don't. Let's be honest here, the south side and the north side of Chicago might as well be two different cities. You Chicago people know this. The north and south sides of this city are as different as night and day. The north is north, the south is south and never the two shall meet.

I'm a north-sider. I grew up on the north side and spent most of my life there. I don't have anything against the south side, though I will say this...if the south side is so great, why is it that the majroity of "south-siders" I know, live and work on the north side, and only go to the south side twice a year? Once for a night at Fizgerald's and then again to get drunk at the South Side Irish Parade. You know, "the only Irish parade that matters".

I grew up walking distance from Wrigley Field. Many a summer's day of my youth were spent in the bleachers of the friendly confines; and this was way before the bleachers were the "cool" place to be and were mostly filled with teenagers and undesirables. I love the Cubs because the Cubs and the north side are my home, they're what I grew up with and have been ingrained into my very being. That's how it is with fans.

The south side isn't my home. The south side of Chicago might as well be Des Moines as far as I'm concerned. It's as foreign to me as say Kansas City or Butte, Montana. I would no sooner cheer for the Sox then I would for say the Dodgers, Brewers or Braves. I don't cheer against them, they're just not my team. I don't expect Sox fans to cheer on the Cubs, (and believe me, they wouldn't) so why do/did they except me to cheer for their team?

Yes, I admit it, I have been to many a White Sox game in my life. Heck I've even gone to see the White Sox play in other cities. But not because I wanted to see the Sox...it was just a social thing to do with my friends.

But the real reason I didn't cheer for the White Sox...is their fans. Not all Sox fans obviously, but a lot of them are just plain rude. Every time I saw a Sox fan on t.v., in the newspaper, or heard them on the radio they all had to dig at the Cubs. Every time I ran into a Sox fan I know, they had to dig at the Cubs. What's wrong with these people? Why can't they just cheer on their team and be happy? Why drag the Cubs into it? It's a different matter during the "Cross town" series, when you're playing against each other; you have every right to belittle a team you're playing against. But to bad mouth a team when they had nothing to do with the series, that just makes no sense. Why the hate? Cub fans aren't stupid, we know the Cubs stink, but for whatever reasons, they're our team. And let's be honest Sox fans, the Sox have been just as bad and you stuck with them. Look, it's like being the parent of an ugly kid; he or she is ugly, but they're your kid so you love them anyway; you Sox fans, your parents know all about this.

Look. I'm not trying to be a jerk here (o.k. maybe I am just a little ) but I just wanted to make my case clear after the hundreds of e-mails I got from White Sox fans in October. Your team won. Congrats. I will, and have congratulated you. But only as long as you remain civil. Only as long as when you raise your Sox (get it?) you don't tear down the Cubs. Don't send me anti-Cubs jokes, e-mails or any of those stupid forms for me to fill out, so that I can change my status from a Cub's fan to a Sox fan. Because really, you have as much a chance of converting me into a White Sox fan as you do of converting me into a Jehovah's Witness.

And now a note to my Jehovah's Witness friends...

FRIENDS & LOVERS

AND IN THIS CORNER...
Sean & Missy Salmon are pregnant. This will be their first child and hopefully not Sean's last. Why might this be Sean's last child you ask? Because Sean has taken up a new career...full contact fighting. This is not a joke. Sean had his 3rd professional fight on February 17th in Moline, Illinois at The Mark Arena, a 10,000 seat venue.  Sean kicked butt. 

He's now looking for sponsors and you can help by visiting his website. You see, potential sponsors can track how many people visit his website; so if the site gets a lot of traffic, he can then hit these folks up for some big cash. So help the kid out, go to www.teamsalmon.com and have a look around. Visit often. Sean, good luck, stay safe and for God's sake; wear a cup.

FINALLY; SOMETHING ABOUT CHERI!
Frequent readers of Kal's Pals know that in every issue I include a photo of my good friend Cheri, (mainly because it bugs her). Most of the time I have nothing to report about Cheri, so I usually just print her photo with a caption reading something like, "Here's Cheri", "Cheri again", "Required photo of Cheri" or just plain old "Cheri". But guess what? This issue I actually do have some news about Cheri. Cheri got bit by a dog! Now if that's not a news story, I don't know what is! DOG BITES WOMAN! What a headline! And what a story! While shoveling her walk, Cheri's neighbor's dog came over and bit her on her calf. I guess the dog is kind of mean, and the neighbor lets it roam free around the neighborhood. Not a good idea. Anyway, except for some bruising and a small cut, Cheri's fine. Well bruising, a small cut and a foaming mouth. But she's fine. Cheri's fine. She'll be fine. After the shots that is.

Cheri also sold her condo and has kidney stones. Can you believe it? For years I have nothing to write about this woman and now suddenly her life's a whirlwind.

Liane B. turned 40.
Finally.
Jeeze Mike, way to rob the cradle.

T'was the week before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except for me (Kevin), who took a tumble down the basement stairs causing a spiral fracture of my fibula. Ouch!

Karen Crane is getting married. She and Russell Quick will be married on June 2nd, which is months away, but never the less, will still be a "quick" wedding.
Let's just hope Russ doesn't live up to his moniker honeymoon wise.

It is a small world after all

This is a picture of my friend Valerie W. This picture was taken after she and her boyfriend Jon, hiked down the Grand Canyon last summer. Prior to last April I hadn't seen Val in some 30 odd years. I think you'll find the story of our reunion amusing.

Last April I organized a mini-reunion for a bunch of kids I used to hang around with in grade school. Most of these people I hadn't seen since the seventh grade. Val was a really big part of this group and was definitely one of the people I wanted to see again. Well through the magic of the internet I found most of the people I needed to find; but alas, no Val. I mentioned this to another of my grade school pals, (Sharon Todd) who told me that Val had moved to Rockford after the 7th grade. Well I know only one person who grew up in Rockford; long time Kal's pal Denise W. (nee Blake). So I e-mailed Denise, and after I explained about the reunion, I wrote "I know this is a one-in-a-million shot but did you know a Valerie Lobb (Val's maiden name) growing up"? Denise wrote back "You have got to be kidding me! Val lived down the street from me"! Well to make a long story short; from some info Denise gave me, I was able to find Val. Isn't that cool? Six degrees of separation people. I tell you it works. Somebody you know, knows somebody else you know, and you don't know that they know each other. Or something like that. So the moral of the story is this...next time you're trying to track down a long lost friend...call Denise W.! She'll find them for you.

Life With Julie
A while back, Julie dragged me to a movie that she really wanted to see. I didn't want to see this film, but went anyway. About half way thru the movie, Julie turns to me and says, "Boy, this sure is a violent movie"!

The name of this movie? Anybody care to guess? Anybody? I'll give you a minute. Give up? The name of the movie was... "The History of Violence". That was the movie we saw. "The History of Violence", was violent. Go figure.

"That's my Julie!!!"

A lot of people bust my chops over how much I make fun of Julie in the "That's my Julie" feature each issue. Now do you people think for a minute that, 1. I would ever write anything hurtful about this woman? or 2. that I could ever put anything in this stupid newsletter without her approval? Come on people, of course Julie sees everything I write about her. She reads it and if it's printed here, you can bet that means she gave me the go-ahead to use it. She has a great sense of humor (she married me didn't she?) which is just one of the many reasons I love her. That and the little outfit she wears when we play "The Naughty Housewife and the door to door Bible Salesman".

As you know by now Tom Cruise, and his girlfriend, Katie Holmes are having a baby. Why is it that every time I hear this I'm reminded of "Rosemary's Baby"?

Poorly written & ill-conceived jokes
and observations.
My sex life has been reduced to the "doggy position".
That's where Julie gets on one side of the bed, I get on the other
and our doggy positions himself between us.

The Crimson Curse

Marvel Comics has a female character named the "Crimson Curse".
What? "The Menstruater" was taken?

I tried to get in touch with my feminine side once
and it sued me for sexual harassment.

The mayor of East St. Louis, Illinois is named Officer; the Chief of Police is named Mister. So their Mayor is addressed as Mister Officer, and the Police Chief is Officer Mister. Things must get a little confusing at Town Council Meetings.

Driving to work the other day I got behind an Infinity QX4, and I thought, "What a stupid name for a car; what is this, a mathematical equation"? Usually, cars have sexy names... names like Mustang! Cougar! Aspire! Okay, maybe not Aspire, but even thatıs better than QX4.

But then I really gave this some thought; if QX4 is a mathematical equation, what would the answer be? Letıs see...

QX4 or Q x 4
Q x 4 = 4Q
So Q times 4 would equal 4Q. 4. Q. 4Q. 4Q? 4Q!

What exactly is Infinity trying to say to us?

I have a question for you. Why Hamburger Helper? As far as I'm concerned hamburger doesn't need any help. Throw a nice fat patty into a red hot skillet, slap on a slice of cheese, some grilled onions and um, um, um that's good eatin' baby. Hamburger needs no assistance from anybody. Now what needs help in my opinion, is fish. You see, Julie's trying to make me eat healthier, so she's having me eat more fish (poor, poor delusional girl) and some of the fish she makes me eat is just plain nasty. Fish could use some help. So all you folks out there at General Mills...get working on some Salmon Helper. Or Trout Helper. Best of all...COD Helper. Cod could use help. Cod could use LOTS of help.

Haiku Corner
Vicky O. sent me a couple of Haiku (Haikus? what is the proper tense?) about Kal's Pals returning to it's semi-regular schedule. I'm flattered as always. Thank you Vickysan.

Oh, Kal's Pals you're back.
Bright green envelope, pure joy.
Where's Cheri's picture?

Oh, Kal's Pals, you're back.
Bright green envelope, but wait...
My eyes are burning.

who's who?
One of these guys is world famous record producer
Phil "the wall of sound" Spector, and the other is "Hair Bear"
from the 1970's cartoon, Help! It's the Hair Bear Bunch. Who's who?

Spector is on the left.

Oprah's been in the news a lot lately, so I thought why not compare
the similarities between her and me.
So here you go...

Similarities between Oprah and Kevin

Oprah: has given millions to the "Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls" in South Africa.
Kevin: once went "Trick or Treating for UNICEF"...and stole the money to buy pizza.

Oprah: her "Oprah's Book Club" has turned millions of Americans into readers.
Kevin: got half way through the first Harry Potter book.

Oprah: is the Queen of daytime television.
Kevin: is the King of daytime napping.

Oprah: runs a media empire consisting of her show, "Oprah", "O" magazine, movies and broadway plays.
Kevin: prints Kal's Pals on an old mimeograph machine down in his basement.

Oprah: produced "The Color Purple" on broadway after starring in the movie.
Kevin: produced the color purple on his ass after falling down his basement stairs.

Oprah: once a year gives audience members "Her favorite things".
Kevin: there's a very dirty joke here featuring the words "member", "favorite things", and Julie.
But out of respect for my wife, I'll abstain.

Top 10 signs your Vikaden is working

10. You think the remastered DVD of "The Wizard of Oz" looks great...and your t.v. isn't even on.

9. You readily agree to go see "Broke Back Mountain".

8. The rich velvet tones and stylistic phrasing...oh sorry. That's a sign Vic Damone is working.

7. wHen you Type joKe try aNddd com out so good knot.

6. Wow...look at all the cool swirling colors. Far out man.

5. The raiding and pillaging...oh wait.

That"s a sign you"re a working viking.

4. You actually enjoy living in Kenosha.

3. Because the Hookah Smoking Caterpillar, and White Rabbit tell you it is.

2. You're passionately kissing your wife until you hear her yell "KEVIN! Leave Wrigley alone".

and the number one sign that your vikaden is working is...

You laugh at jokes in Kal's Pals.

President Bush saying that America is addicted to oil is kind of like Ronald McDonald saying we eat too much fast food isn't it?

And I Quote
(more or less)

If you click on me,
you'll get an explanation of his quote.

Junk Drawer
During the filming of Martin Scorsese's "New York, New York", composer John Kander and lyricist Fred Ebb played the title song for the movies star, Robert DeNiro...DeNiro hated it and told Kander and Ebb that they had to rewrite it. Kander and Ebb were furious, but had no other choice then to write a new song for the movie. And thus was born the mega-hit "New York, New York"...one of the best known songs in the world and the biggest hit these songwriters ever had. All thanks to a temperamental actor. Start spreading the news.

Science!
A recent University of Michigan study found that some movies can cause significant hormonal responses and a possible spike in sexual desire.

Sixty subjects were shown clips from The Bridges of Madison County, Godfather Part II, and a documentary about the Amazon. "Bridges" increased progesterone in both men & women, Godfather pumped up testosterone levels in men and the documentary didn't do nothin' for nobody. Both progesterone and testosterone are linked to desire, and are often libido boosters. Oo la la. So players, if you want to get it on with your lady; pop some corn, dim the lights, and put a chick flick in the DVD player.

"Julie honey? Can we watch "Beaches" tonight"?

Kal's Pals Trivia

Which Kal's pal...is an U.S. Air Marshall, keeping the sky's safe from hijackers and over-served passengers?

I can't tell you that! That would blow his cover. Who to you think I am; Scooter Libby

Who the Hell are You?!

Shelley New Years Eve 2006

Name:
Michele D.

Birthday:
March, 15.

Birthplace:
Newton, Massachusetts.

Occupation:
Retail Buyer.

Current Home:
Needham, Massachusetts.

Working On:
Making me better.

Worst Job Experience:
Summer job-house cleaning.

The Last Good Movie I Saw:
Been too long to remember the last really good one.

The Book I've Been Reading:
"The Shadow in the Wind"

Favorite Pig Out Food:
French Fries.

Nickname:
Too many to list, but my favorites for different reasons and different people are Duv, Mishka and Shelley.

Michele & her niece

Favorite Performer:
U2.

Prized Possession:
My grandmother's charm bracelets.

People always think I'm:
A teacher.

I'd give anything to meet:
My husband.

Favorite Annual Event:
A big trip-over the big pond-Anywhere!

A really great evening to me is:
Dinner with friends.

My Fantasy Is:
Independent wealth and the time to give back.

The One Thing I Can't Stand is:
Prejudice.

If I Could Change One Thing About Myself:
I'd have more self confidence.

I'm Really Good At:
Listening.

My Most Irrational Act:
I've never had one.

If I've Learned One Thing In Life It's:
It all works out. Or at least I hope it does.

Major accomplishment:
Latest major accomplishment-biking the hills of Tuscany.

Hobbies:
Biking.

Three words that best describe me:
EDITORS NOTE: Ms. Duval asked that I answer this question for her; so here are the three words that I think best describe Michele...sweet, loving, funny. I could go on with many more, but now I see why people who have been chosen to do this thing bitch at me about this; it's hard, especially to limit yourself to three words. Plus I can see where having to write about yourself is pretty tricky, as you donıt want to come across as egotistical or anything. But you know what? If this is the most difficult thing I ever ask you to do for me, then you're way ahead of the game. Ask Dr. Jeff about the boil I had him lance once, and you'll see that you're getting off the hook pretty easy.

Michele & Jules

KEVIN CONNECTION
I met Michele when I started dating Julie. Julie was living in Boston at the time and Michele, and her circle of friends welcomed me with open arms. Michele is a great woman; and Julie & I love her dearly.

FAVORITE MICHELE STORY
This "Favorite Michele Moment" is courtesy of Julie, which, since she knows Michele better then I do, makes more sense.

The musical group Rusted Root has a song titled "Send Me On My Way". The chorus of this song is just the title, "Send Me On My Way" repeated several times. As we've all done from time to time, Michele misheard the lyrics and thought they were saying "Simeon the Whale". So for months Michele was going around singing about Simeon the Whale, and Julie? Julie was laughing at her. Finally though, Jules felt bad and set Michele straight about the lyrics. Who Simeon the Whale was or what he had to do with this song we'll never know, but it is kind of amusing. But I can't be too hard on Shelley, after all, I'm the guy who thought the Eagle's song "Life in the Fast Lane" was "Pipe in the Vaseline", which when compared to Simeon is not only silly, but kind of kinky too.

And In Closing...
Scientists have discovered water on one of Saturn's moons (Enceladus).
That's nice, but the really big news will be when they find water on Uranus.

No, I can never pass up an "Uranus" joke.

Yes, I do have the sense of humor of a twelve year boy.