KAL'S PALS. DESIGNED, BUT NOT INTELLIGENTLY
KEVITORIAL
"Well it's about time". Is that what you said when you finally saw that ugly green envelope in your mailbox? Did you, like my brother-in-law Scott, think that you were dropped from the KP mailing list for some reason? Did you, like so many pals of kal ask me "where the hell's my kal's pals"? every time you saw me? (o.k. nobody actually asked me that, but I know deep down they were thinking it). Well, you can finally relax, because I'm back on track and KP is being published once again.
But what happened you ask? Why the long (long, long,) wait between issues? I mean there are references to Thanksgiving in here for cry-eye.
Well here's the scoop. I've been very busy launching a new business.
You know all those "Ribbon Magnets" you see on cars supporting one thing or another; well I started selling them over the internet. Oh yeah, really; and I'm making big time bucks doing it too; even though I sell these things for only $1 a piece. People are buying them like crazy. They go nuts for these things, especially in the "red" states. But it's been time consuming. Not so much setting up the website or getting the business going; it's getting the product that takes up so much of my time.
I mean, you have to be pretty sneaky to peel those magnets off of cars without getting caught; and that my friend, just takes time.
Sincerely,
Kevin "I Support FREE Enterprise" Ervin
FRIENDS & LOVERS
MOVERS & SHAKERS...
As a side note, Boston Store,
is located in Milwaukee. Go figure.
O.k., the real good news is that this photo is just a prank photo taken when Johnny worked at the Skokie police station. So Johnny's not really an ex-con after all; though he really is single. But now that you know the photo's a fake; it's really not that funny anymore is it?
Life With Julie
Julie and I went out of town for a wedding. While waiting for a cab at the airport she looks around and says, "Boy. There sure are a lot of Aspen trees in this town".
To which I replied, "And hence the town's name...Aspen, Colorado."
"That's my Julie!!!"
File under "people unclear of the concept"
I'm driving to work the other morning and the guy in the car next to me has his hand out his window, and I notice he's wearing a Lance Armstrong "Livestrong" bracelet...as he flicks the ashes off of his cigarette.
Did I ever tell you about the gay prostitute who always payed his bills in arrears?
Polkas
My dog Wrigley sleeps on the bed with Julie and me every night; and when he scratches himself, (as dogs do) the whole bed vibrates and shakes like it's hooked up to one of those "Magic Finger" machines that used to be in cheap motels. I figured I had to do something about this... Ahhhhhh, magic fingers.
Pat Robertson, one of the founders of the Christian Coalition of America and head honcho over at the Christian Broadcasting Network called for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. Robertson told his television audience "(Chavez) thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think we ought to go ahead and do it". "We don't need another $200
billion war to get rid of one, you know, strong arm dictator. It's a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with." I'm not sure what part of the Bible advocates assassination...I mean I'm no Bible scholar, but is there a book of Lee Harvey or something? Look for Robertson's new Christian book out next month which is titled:
Thanksgiving Haiku
Innocent young bird
When feasting too much
Load the dishwasher
Grab the red plunger
who's who?
One of these guys is world famous porn star Ron "the Hedgehog" Jeremy, and the other is Lee Curreri who
portrayed Bruno Martelli in both the movie and t.v show Fame. Who's who?
Curreri is on the left.
AND I QUOTE... If you click on Uncle Jim here, you'll get an explanation of his quote.
KAL'S PALS TRIVIA
...once worked at Boy's Town?
JUNK DRAWER
Contrary to popular belief, the apple is not the Forbidden Fruit of Knowledge written about in the Bible; in fact, the Bible never says what kind of fruit it was. You see, the apple was only used because it was a sacred fruit of the Celts and Druids, who were Pagans, and in order to discredit these groups, the Catholic Church started preaching that it was an apple that Eve took from the serpent. Then to reinforce this idea, the church told all the artists who were on their payroll (which was everybody) to put the apple into all "Garden of Eden" paintings from then on; or else. So what's the real forbidden fruit? Nobody knows...but I've always considered prunes off limits.
SCIENCE!
Researchers have found that there is a 60% increase in the risk of erectile dysfunction for men who smoke more than 20
cigarettes a day.
Like this matters. Really. Because
honestly, who's going to want to
screw a guy who smokes 20
cigarettes a day anyway?
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!?
Name:
Birthday:
Birthplace:
Occupation:
Working On:
Worst Job Experience:
The Last Good Movie I Saw:
The Book I've Been Reading:
Favorite Pig Out Food:
Nickname:
Favorite Performer:
Prized Possession:
People always think I'm:
I'd give anything to meet:
Favorite Annual Event:
A really great evening to me is:
My Fantasy Is:
The One Thing I Can't Stand is:
If I Could Change One Thing About Myself:
I'm Really Good At:
My Most Irrational Act:
If I've Learned One Thing In Life It's:
Major accomplishment:
Hobbies:
Three words that best describe me:
FAVORITE AUNT PATTY STORY
The Salmon Family Page.
So in honor of my Aunt; Patty Salmon,
1 (15-ounce) can salmon (bones removed)
Combine salmon, bell peppers, and onion in a bowl. Season with salt and pepper. Shape by hand into patties, as you would a
hamburger. In a separate bowl, combine cornmeal and flour. Roll salmon patties in the cornmeal mixture.
Heat about 1-inch of oil in a large, heavy skillet to 340 degrees F. Carefully place patties, in batches as necessary, in the hot oil
and fry for 3 minutes on each side or until golden brown. Drain patties on paper towels. Serve with ketchup and/or hot sauce, if desired.
Sean and Missy Salmon, were married on September 18th, 2004. Here's a picture of them on their honeymoon with a baby Tiger at the MGM in Las Vegas. Ain't they adorable? The tiger and Missy I mean. Sean? Ain't nothin' adorable about him.
My cousin Mark Salmon (Uncle of Sean and Kyle) won alot of money in the Powerball Lottery. Not a million or anything, but a nice junk of change anyway. He just missed the 95 million jackpot by one number! Mark, now that you have all this cash, have I got an opportunity for you...this Nigerian guy e-mails like every day, and says for only a couple of grand, he'll send us like a half a million. I think maybe we should look into this. What do you think? Call me.
Jeannie Salmon (mother of the above pictured Sean) ran her first triathlon. She finished in 2 hours and 45 minutes; 15 minutes before her set goal of three hours. Which I think is great. This triathlon took place two miles from my house in Kenosha and ironically while Jeannie was swimming, running and biking, I was at an "all you can eat fish fry", and also finished in 2 hours and 45 minutes. I would've gone for three hours, but that last coleslaw did me in.
These are Jeannie's sons, Dan and the above mentioned Sean wrestling before Sean's wedding. All the pride Jeannie felt for her triathlon accomplishment just drained from her body after seeing this pic.
Hey Danny. UPS called...they want their package back. Jeepers!
Kal's pals Salutes...The Buffalo Wing!
How many Buffalo Wings have I eaten in my life? More importantly, how many have been eaten by my friend Mark Green? Mark, who is half my size can easily eat twice as many wings as me. I know for a fact that Mark once ate 100 wings in a sitting and still had room left over for pizza. How he does it, I don't know. What I do know though is this: for me, Mark, and millions of guys like us; sitting down with a bottle of ice cold beer and a platter of spicy buffalo wings is our idea of good eatin'. You can keep your Charlie Trotter's or your Trio, I'll take Hooters and Yakzies any day.
Wings, like many a food considered bad for you, are a passion of mine. I can eat wings anytime, anywhere. And I don't just eat wings; I devour them. When I finish with a wing, there is not a trace of meat left on the bone; it's like piranhas got to it or something. It's kind of gross. In fact, Julie can't even watch me eat chicken wings, but then again there's not alot she likes to watch me eat.
I love everything about a good wing; the spicy, greasy sauce; the creamy, tart blue cheese; the soft meaty wing; the crunchy celery...I find a Zen-like perfection in the balance created by this hot/cool/chewy/crunchy treat.
Whole restaurant empires have risen up around the buffalo wing. Why Buffalo Wild Wings sells 286 million wings a year all by their self (Hooters wonąt say how many they sell).
But who first created these flightless fancies? Where did these delectable digits come from? What's with all the alliteration?
I won't insult your intelligence by telling you that buffalo wings don't come from a buffalo; oh wait a minute, I just did what I said I wouldn't do. Sorry. Anyway, buffalo wings come from Buffalo New York (get it?) and are the creation of Terressa Bellissimo.
Back in 1964, Terressa ran the Anchor Bar in Buffalo N.Y. (which still operates today). One night, her son Dominic was tending bar and some of his buddies dropped in, so he asked his mom to whip them up a little something to eat. Something different. Something with a twist. "Dom! What the hell am I supposed to make!? There's nothing in the kitchen as it is for God's sake, and you want me to make you something special!? I'll make you something special alright! Moncoligone! What a coomerusso". (Rough translation: Oh my God. What a pain in the ass).
O.k.; so I don't really know what Terressa said, I'm taking some
creative license, but bear with me; I know Italian mothers, so believe me when I say I'm probably not too far off here.
Anyway, after Terressa cooled down she looked around the kitchen to see what she had on hand. Because that's the thing with Italian mothers, even though they bitch and complain, when it comes to their sons, so help me Mary, they're sacred; so whatever they want, they get. Trust me, I have some experience with this; ask my sister.
So like I said, there wasn't much in the kitchen. The only thing of any substance were some chicken wings Terressa was going to use for soup stock. Chicken wings? Chicken wings!? What the hell was she supposed to do with chicken wings? Oh this just made her mad. In fact this made her blood boil. That hot, Italian temper took over and...wait a minute; bada-bing, bada-boom, inspiration struck. Hot? Spicy? Chicken wings? Why not hot-spicy-chicken wings?
O.k. once again, I have no idea what inspired Terressa, and the above was another dramatization, but for whatever reason, Terressa decided to deep fry those chicken wings and cover them in a cayenne pepper sauce she whipped up (the recipe which is now top secret; though I provide a pretty good version below). She added a side of celery and bleu cheese dressing (to cut down on the heat & grease of the wings) and sent them out to Dom.
At first Dom and his friends looked at her like "Ma! What the hell is this?" (Once again, creative license) but once they tried them, they loved them, and the Anchor Bar had a hit that soon took off (Oh brother. Get it? Wings? Took off? Never mind.) across the country and a Superbowl Sunday staple was born.
Terressa Bellissimo; on behalf of myself, Mark Green, and most importantly, the chicken farmers of America, I thank you. Because of your culinary creativity, chicken wings just ain't for soup stock anymore.
Hey kids! Here's a pretty good Buffalo Wing recipe.
2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
Melt butter and saute garlic for 3 minutes. Add flour and stir, making a roux and cook for 5 minutes, stirring. Slowly add the hot sauce, while whisking constantly to avoid lumps, and add vinegar. Put on low flame and cook until thickened and the roux has cooked out.
Using a fryer or a large pot, heat oil to 350 degrees F. Deep fry the wings until golden and crispy, approximately 10 minutes.
Immediately toss hot wings into sauce.
Place wings on a platter and serve with creamy bleu cheese and celery.
Yummy!
And in Closing... According to press reports the wedding and following reception were a lovely affair. Though there was a small scuffle when the band played "I knew the bride when she used to rock & roll...in the back of a mini van...with her 12 year old lover/student."
They got hitched in Hawaii last year.
This is the first marriage for both.
Mozel tov!.
She now works for Carson's/Bergner's/Boston Store/; depending on where you live.
Cheri-Cheri-Boberri.
Have you ever noticed that all Polkas end in the word Polka? "The Beer Barrel POLKA", the "Pennsylvania POLKA", the "She's Too Fat For Me POLKA". As if anybody who hears that 1,2,3-1,2,3-1,2,3 beat, couldn't figure out that they're hearing a polka. Here's a good one...how about the "I'm Too Stupid To Figure Out This Is A Polka POLKA"!
so every night I sprinkle Wrigley with some Itching Powder I bought down at "Kenosha Novelties & Jokes"; and boy, now do I sleep good! 
"WWJW: Who Would Jesus Whack".
Here are four Haiku (Haikus? Haiki?) sent to me by Kal's pal Jeff Sismelich. Jeff sent these to me right after Thanksgiving (obviously) which I know was almost a year ago, but I thought they were funny, so I wanted to keep them in this issue. Plus you know me, I'm all for supporting the arts and
people's creative sides. Funny stuff Jeff. I Hope the toilets fixed by now.
dead and cooked on my table
that bastard tastes good
and the stomach aches, give thanks
for alka-seltzer.
Quick, before the tryptophan
Nails us to the couch
I'm lactose intolerant
more air freshener!
(more or less)
The real Boy's Town, not the "Boy's Town" that Jeff frequents.
My sister-in -law, the ever
beautiful & vivacious
Stephanie Rittmiller.
Stephanie
Patty & John Ervin 1931
Patricia Salmon
11-10-29
Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Retired RN.
Reading.
Making suitcases at Abel and Bach.
American Beauty.
"In and Out of Priesthood"/ "Pocket Book of Chess" Raymond Keem.
Chocolate.
Patty.
Brian Dennehy.
Patty circa1967?
My family.
A prude.
Molly Ivans.
Milwaukee's Irish Fest.
Dinner with family.
To die happy.
"W" Chaney.
Everything.
Ironing.
First time camping ever was in Brown bear country in Alaska!
I Never went camping anywhere again. It was scary!
You've never heard it all.
Becoming an RN.
Reading and walking.
Sweet, honest, industrious.
Patty's husband Ron & nephew Kevin.
Nice vest Kevin.
Dork!
Patty is my father's oldest sister and is the matriarch of the Salmon Clan; which consists of her three sons and their wives, five grandsons and one granddaughter. Believe me; with the five brothers Patty had growing up; raising her three wild sons, to top it all off with the grandsons she got....Oh Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Heaven surely has a place for my Aunt Patty.
And speaking of Patty's three sons (Michael, Mark and Kelly); my favorite Aunt Patty story involves them...go figure.
So Mike, the oldest son, comes home very late and drunk one night (he was home from college) and passes out in his bed. Well his wacky brothers strip him and place his hand on his male member in a very provocative way...they then run into my Aunt's room sounding all frantic, saying something like "Mom! Mom! Something's wrong with Mike!". Well being the concerned mother (and nurse) that she is, my Aunt runs into Mike's room to see what's wrong with him, only to find him in this rather unpleasant state. So she does what any good Irish Catholic mother would do...she whips his ass good. Mark, Kelly and I find this story very funny. Michael? Not so much. That's just one of the hundreds of such incidences my Aunt has had to endure; and for that reason alone we love her. Like I said before, she's a saint.
here's a recipe for, well, Salmon Patties.
HA! I'm so freakin' clever some times it hurts!
2 green bell peppers, finely diced
1 yellow onion, finely diced
Salt and pepper
3 cups yellow cornmeal
1 cup all-purpose flour
Vegetable oil, for frying
Ketchup, for serving, optional
Hot sauce, for serving, optional
Here's Kyle Salmon (to the right) crying like a little baby at his cousin Sean's wedding. What with the picture of Kathy Kelleher's cat on the "Friends and Lovers" page, the tiger cub above and Kyle here, this issue is being overrun by pussies. Jeeze Kyle, grow a pair why don't you.
Try it at home, but ask your mom for help.
2 1/2 ounces unsalted butter
1 1/4 pints Louisiana hot sauce
1 1/4 tablespoons peeled garlic
1 1/4 tablespoons champagne vinegar
Mary Kay Letourneau finally
married Vili Fualaau.