Have you seen these T.V. shows, The Swan or Extreme Makeover? These are a couple of shows where they take people and give them like a 100 thousand dollars worth of plastic surgery? Common surgeries on these shows are liposuction, lasik eye surgery, dental surgery, tummy tucks, face lifts, nose jobs and of course...breast augmentation. Most contestants get a combination of 6 or 7 procedures before the end of the show. They become completely new people. Some makeovers are so extreme that their loved ones don't even recognize them any more. I've seen some of these makeovers and it's amazing. What's so weird about these shows though is this...all of the contestants involved in these programs are average, normal looking people. They aren't ugly; they aren't disfigured; they aren't hideous in any way, they are basically normal looking people with all the flaws that normal people have.

Thinning hair, fat behinds, and saggy breasts are all common complaints on these shows. Some have bad teeth, a big nose or some other defect, but like I said; they're normal.

The couple of times I've watched these programs I've seen the same kind of thing; the contestant starts crying because they're not as good looking as other people they know. There's always a better looking sister or brother. Or maybe they were teased in high school because they had a big nose or some other stupid little complaint and because of this flaw, they've been traumatized for life and can no longer bare to live.

What's wrong with people? Are we that shallow now that everybody thinks you have to have "Movie Star" looks or life isn't worth living. Heaven help you if your smile is crooked, or you donšt have abs of steel. It's ridiculous. Look at me; fat, bald, a face like a cartoon character and yet I'e managed to live a pretty descent life; I even managed to snag a pretty good looking wife along the way; and all with my average to below average looks. History is full of goofing looking people who have done incredible things...Albert Einstein, Eleanor Roosevelt, Abraham Lincoln to name a few; all goofy looking, yet all accomplished incredible things and lived full, fruitful lives. Well, except for Lincoln.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for plastic surgery if someone has some sort of disfigurement that is causing them real trauma in their life; but you know, we have people injecting botulism into their foreheads just to look a little younger. Shooting poison into yourself to erase some wrinkles is crazy people. Do looks matter that much? It's nuts.

Now having said all of this, Julie says she wants breast implants. Nothing huge like a double D or anything, just one or two cups sizes bigger. This is something she's talked about for years, way before she even met me, it's a life long dream of hers and frankly...I'm all for it.

I mean, come on, I've got my beliefs but I'm not stupid. Bigger boobs are bigger boobs. And if this will make my wife happy...who am I to stand in the way of her dreams.

Something in a 34 or 36 "C" should fulfill her dreams...not to mention her bikini top.

Kal

FRIENDS & LOVERS

MOVERS & SHAKERS...
Our boy in Arizona, Brad Longwell, has moved in with his girlfriend Cathy.
Baby steps, Bradley. Baby steps.

My cousin Marie Rooney retired. Which is no big deal since she really didn't do much on her job anyway.

My friend Jennifer Chada was in L.A. for 3.5 months starring in an original musical by Cy Coleman, (he wrote Sweet Charity). She met tons of celebs...Barbara Streisand, Clint Eastwood, Tony Bennett and Dick Van Dyke, to name a few. Her co-stars included Patti Austin and Jack Sheldon (the voice of Conjunction Junction and I'm a Bill on Schoolhouse Rock); he pinched her tooshie.

Jen also got hit on by Jeff Goldblum, a real smarmy cat according to Jen.

Pam Marshal has left the American College of Healthcare Executives to do some nonprofit management. She's taking classes at North Park University and doing some more volunteer work at the Irish American Heritage Center (big surprise there). Good luck Pam.

BABY NEWS...
Rene & Doug Norton had their third child and first son on July 6th. The little guy was 2 weeks early, weighed 7 lbs 15 oz and was 19 inches long. Rene & Doug named the tyke Liam Goodspeed Norton. "Goodspeed" is Doug's grandmother's (dad's side) maiden name which everybody thinks is English and a derivative of the term Godspeed. Doug hopes Liam grows up to be a race car driver. Godspeed to you young Liam. Godspeed to you.

Mark and Elise Green welcomed their second child and first daughter Cassidy Marie into the world. Cassidy was born at 1:50 p.m. on Friday, July 9th tipping the scales at 9 pounds 13 ounces. And though at first there was some trepidation on how older brother Zack would react to a new baby in the house, everybody is getting along fine.

PEORIA CHICKS IN THE NEWS...
Mandy Rafool and Dave Askman got hitched. The wedding was in beautiful Aspen Colorado, outside, on top of a mountain...it was incredible. The party afterwards was also a smash hit...although I think Mandy's matron of honor is still giving her toast. Here's a clue people; when your speech goes longer then the wedding ceremony, it's time to sit down.

Cathy & Jim Wiesman had a baby girl! Amy Elizabeth was born Monday, June 7 at 12:54 p.m. She weighed 8 lbs. 10 oz. and was 20 inches (Yow!). Momma and baby are fine.

Baby Amy

Finally, after all these years a good picture of Cheri.

APOLOGY TO WOZ......
In the last issue of "KP", in the triva section I wrote..."Which kal's pal once played in the band Badfinger"?

The answer was Steve Wozny, which was correct; it's the question that was wrong. The question should have been "Which kal's pal plays in the band Badfinger?" Present tense, not past.

You see, Steve is still actively playing with Badfinger, he also still plays with the Bad Example's.
Truly making him a BAD boy of rock & roll.

LATE BREAKING NEWS...
Lori Crane and Bill Zarling got engaged over the labor Day weekend. Bill asked, and Lori said "Of course my Zarling. I mean darling. No. Wait. I mean Zarling...oh never mind". Congrats kids.

Life With Julie

The other day Julie showed up home from work earlier then usual. When she walked in I said, "I thought you were going to call me and let me know when you left?" To which she replied "Why do I always have to call you when I leave; why don't you call me?"

"That's my Julie!!!".

An Ode to Adriana
Well you knew it was coming; at the end of this season's Soprano's, Adriana LaCerva got whacked for talking (or not talking) to the FBI...here's a little ode I wrote to her.

Adriana, Adriana.
We hate to say goodbye.
They had you whacked; we'll miss your rack.
Why'd you have to die?

Adriana, Adriana.
Our dago queen so hot.
You crawled in fear, I shed a tear,
when Silvio took his shot.

Adriana, Adriana.
You really angered "T".
You threw the dice, and payed the price,
for ratting to the "G".

Adriana, Adriana.
You surely will be missed.
You weren't that smart, you broke Chris' heart,
then the mob put down it's fist.

Adriana, Adriana.
Your bod was hard; not doughy.
Oh those gams! So long and tan.
At least we'll still see you on "Joey".

For those of you who hadn't heard, Julie and I got a dog at Christmas. He's a Golden Retreiver named Wrigley, and after 8 months I've noticed that me and the pup have a couple of things in common. So here they are, here are the...

Similarities between Kevin & Wrigley

Wrigley... humps Julie's leg when he wants attention.
Kevin... humps Julie's leg when he wants attention.

Wrigley...eats everything in sight.
Kevin...eats everything in sight.

Wrigley...gets treats when he obeys.
Kevin...gets treats when he obeys.

Wrigley...whines when Julie puts him in his cage.
Kevin...whines when Julie...wait a minute. I actually kind of like that part.

Wrigley...likes to chew Julie's shoes.
Kevin...likes to nibble Julie's toes.

Wrigley...pees on the rug.
Kevin...you know, one little accident and you're branded for life.

Wrigley...likes to bury his bone in the backyard.
Kevin...likes to bury his bone...oh never mind.

Diet Books
Two hot topics on the best seller lists right now are diets and Jesus.
Diets and diet books are huge (no pun intended) business...the Atkins Diet, the Southbeach Diet, the Subway Diet all make millions of dollars for their various authors and creators. And Christ! Jesus is everywhere these days, (well I guess he's everywhere all the time, but right now he's getting some media attention). "The Da Vinci Code", "The Passion of the Christ" and "The Left Behind Series" are all making unGodly (pun intended) sums of money; so I figure, why shouldn't I get in on the action? So I'm working on a book that ties these best selling concepts together.

Here it is, my new diet concept and future best seller...
The WWJDDiet or
The What Would Jesus Do..to lose weight Diet.

The diet is simple; you eat only those things that Christ would eat...a loaf of bread and a fish. Not for a day, but for the whole month. The trick of this diet is the part where you perform a miracle and stretch this single meal so it can feed thousands. If you can do this, you're golden, and if not, you'll drop weight faster then Pontius Pilot can wash his hands.

That's pretty much my diet folks. I think it's a sure winner. I mean come on, there has to be millions of fat Christians out there, what with all those church bake sales.

So I say, REPENT! and get on board the WWJD Diet.
Adkins-shmatkins.
Jesus saves...your waistline.

I just saw the latest Harry Potter movie...Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. I liked it, but thought the part where Harry takes pictures of Hermione and the naked prisoners with underwear on their heads was a little too much.

Some useless facts about Kal's pals
(not that you really care or anything)
Kal's Pals now goes out to people in 16 different States.

Of course it's world wide on the internet but I really don't think too many Bangaldeshi's are logging in.

4 families in Elmhurst Illinois receive Kal's Pals. All of them have the same zip code, and none of them know each other.

There are two people named Seibert (not a common name outside of Berlin) who get Kal's Pals and get this...they aren't related!

The family that receives the most copies of KP is not the Ervin's, which you might expect, but the Salmon family.

See, I told you you wouldn't care about this stuff.

And speaking of Ho bags...

On June 5th, Jennifer Lopez married singer and actor Mark Anthony. This was his second marriage and I lost count on her.

I've got April 30th 2005 in the divorce pool, who else wants in?

Madonna, a recent convert to the Kabbalah, changed her name to Ester, you know, because she's such a pious person.

What? "Self involved, fucked-up, head case" was taken?

Stupid Kevin Observations
I was passing a McDonald's the other day when I noticed that they had a sign in front advertising their Filet O' Fish sandwich with the "New, Classic Taste".
Huh? How can something be new and classic at the same time?
Next thing you know they"ll be serving baked fries.

Mystic River just came out on DVD and I couldn't help but think that Kevin Bacon is probably one of the few actors to star in a movie with both Chris (Foot Loose) and Sean Penn. I wonder who he thinks is the more talented brother? Sean is obviously a very talented actor, but Chris; what a dancer.

The Gay Olympics is coming to Chicago next summer.
Lesbians all over the city are in training to win the Broad Jump.

Julie and I were driving through Beecher Illinois a couple of weeks ago and as we passed through the center of town I couldn't help but notice a market named Beecher Meat & Liquor. Sounds like a good time to me.

Now come on, you know I made that up.
Kal's Pals...making up crap, so that you don't have to.

A while ago I asked for stupid-survey questions, and when I got them back, I sent them out for your answers. Thanks to all of you who participated. I got lots of questions AND responses. So, without further ado... here's the Kal's Pals STUPID SURVEY!

If you get up to pee in the middle of the night, do you leave the light off or turn it on?
On: 40% Off: 60%

Do you wake up to an alarm or to the radio?
Alarm: 40% Radio: 60%

Bed sheets tucked or un-tucked?
Tucked: 55% Untucked: 45%

Do you wear socks to bed?
Socks: 25% No Socks: 75%

Do you wear underwear to bed, under your pj's?
Yes: 5% No: 95%

Do you call them underwear or underpants?
UnderWEAR: 95% UnderPANTS: 5%

Ladies (and some guys) do you wear thongs or granny pants?
Thong: 33% Granny pants: 67%

How many pairs of underwear do you own?
Most Pairs Owned : 44 Least Pairs Owned: 5 Average Pairs Owned: 20.2631

Have you ever gone out without undies on?
Yes: 95% No: 5%

"Sock, sock, shoe, shoe"? or "Sock, shoe, sock, shoe"?
Sock, Sock: 90% Sock Shoe: 10%

Brown or black shoes with blue?
Brown: 35% Black: 65%

Leather or metal watch band?
Leather: 35% Metal: 30% Both: 35%

Cake or pie?
Cake: 45% Pie: 55%

Sugar or sweetener?
Sugar: 65% Sweetner: 35%

Whopper or Big Mac?
Whopper: 50% Big Mac: 35% Neither: 15%

Mayonnaise or Salad Dressing?
Mayo: 40% Salad Dressing: 50% Neither: 10%

Better wiener song: Oscar Meyer or Armor Hot Dogs?
Oscar Meyer: 65% Armor: 35%

Do you eat Spam?
Spam: 0% No Spam: 100%

Do you put Maple syrup on your breakfast meats?
Syrup: 30% No Syrup: 70%

What's the weirdest thing you have ever eaten?
Alligator. Raw Sea Urchin. Dirt. Live Ants. Tripe. Squid. Coke Burgers. Bread & Jelly in a Bowl with Milk. Headcheese. Scrambled Eggs with Sardines & Cottage Cheese. Something German. Grass Hopper. Fish with the Head Left On. And finally, Plain Pasta with Butter.

How many states have you visited?
Most Visited: 44 Least Visited: 6 Average States Visited: 23.1

How many foreign Countries?
Most Visited: 39 Least Visited: 1 Average Countries Visited 9.2

Leno or Letterman
Leno: 10% Letterman: 90%

Pacino or DeNiro?
Pacino: 35% DeNiro: 60% Kevin Bacon: 5% (there's always a smart-ass)

Diane Sawyer or Katie Couric?
Sawyer: 25% Couric: 75%

Who you gonna call, Ghost busters or Scooby doo?
Ghost Busters: 65% Scooby Doo: 35%

Cat or dog?
Cat: 35% Dog: 65%

Do you peak in the cabinet/drawers when you use the bathroom at someone else's house?
Peek: 40% No Peek: 60%

Designated hitter good or bad?
Good: 15% Bad: 85%

Stick shift or automatic transmission?
Stick: 25% Automatic: 75%

Trimmed or natural?
Trimmed: 85% Natural: 15%

Favorite feature of the opposite sex?
WOMEN PREFERRED: Penis. Right Above the Hip Bone. Smile. Eyes. Eyes. Eyes. Ass. Ass.

MEN PREFERRED: Vagina. Pie. Confidence. The Fact That They're Opposites of Men. Smile. Eyes. Butt Cakes. Butt. Butt/Thighs. Tits. Breasts. Boobs and butt.

Missionary or doggie?
Missionary: 35% Doggie: 30% No Comment: 35%

Who will be the last surviving Beatle?
Ringo: 60% Paul : 35% Yoko: 5% (once again...smart-ass)

AND I QUOTE...
(more or less)

KAL'S PALS TRIVIA

Which Kal's pal...

...is the cousin of Weekend at Bernie's star, and Dr. Jeff's favorite
actor Jonathan Silverman??

Dorene Brentner.

Dorene & Jonathan

JUNK DRAWER

Famous writer and celebrity gad-about Gore Vidal, is the half brother of Jacqueline Kennedy-Onassis. I never knew this. Did you? I'm sure some of our older readers did, but I know the born after 1960 crowd sure didn't. Hell, half of them don't even know who "Jackie O" is, let alone Gore Vidal. They all think he makes hair care products.

SCIENCE!
Antonio Convit Ph.D., a researcher at New York University found that being overweight could lead to Alzhemi...

Hmmm. That's weird. I forgot what I was saying.

Oh well.

Don't you think blue's a pretty color ?

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!?

Name:
Julie Rittmiller-Ervin.

Baby Julie

Birthday:
March 10th, 1962.

Birthplace:
Peoria, Illinois.

Occupation:
Retail Clothing Buyer for Kohls Department Store.

Current Home:
Wisconsin.

Working On:
Puppie obedience.

Worst Job Experience:
Orange Juice taste survey taker in the frozen food section of the grocery store.
It was freezing.

Christmas Circa 1965

The Last Good Movie I Saw:
"The Cooler".

The Book I've Been Reading:
"Emergency Sex and Other Desperate Measures".

In Boston & Greece

Favorite Pig Out Food:
Anything Salty.

Nickname:
Jules.

Favorite Performer:
Clint Eastwood.

Prized Possession:
Wrigley.

People always think I'm:
A vegetarian.

I'd give anything to meet:
Cleopatra.

Favorite Annual Event:
Thanksgiving.

Just some photo's I like.

A really great evening to me is:
Good food, drink and friends talking.

My Fantasy Is:
To be a National Geographic photographer.

The One Thing I Can't Stand is:
Inefficiency.

If I Could Change One Thing About Myself:
My thighs.

I'm Really Good At:
Shoe selection.

My Most Irrational Act:
HA!

The love of my life.

If I've Learned One Thing In Life It's:
Fall in love and get married.

That's my gal!

Major accomplishment:
Taking a year off to travel the world.

Hobbies:
Travel, reading, photography.

Three words that best describe me:
Needs new job.

KEVIN CONNECTION
Well Julie's my wife don't you know, so there's quite a connection. We connect every chance we get, in the living room, in the dining room, and even a couple of times on the kitchen table.

FAVORITE JULIE STORY
Well my favorite Julie moment I can't tell you about, it involves a jar of Fluff, latex gloves and a roll of wax paper.

No. I'm just kidding. My favorite Julie moment, (get out the tissues ladies) was the night she accepted my marriage proposal.

And in Closing...
I'm addressing this to all the Republican readers of Kal's Pals (yes Aunt Renee, I do have some GOP friends. Sorry). As you know, Julie will vote for John Kerry on November 2nd, and her vote will cancel out your's (unless you've come to your senses). It's just plain silly. So I tell you what. Let's alternate voting. Jules will vote this year and you can go ahead in 2008. O.k?

Sounds like a good plan to me.

Now you might be asking yourself "Kevin? What about your vote? Won't my vote cancel yours"? Oh don't worry about canceling my vote my friend. You see I recently registered in Wisconsin...but they didn't cancel my registration in Illinois. God bless America. God bless America.