Listed below are a few things that just don't make any sense to me what so ever...
Pharmacists.
What is the big deal about Pharmacists? What makes these guys so important? As far as I can see, all they do is count out pills into that little tray they have, and put them into a bottle. How is this such a big deal? Anybody with a third grade education could become a Pharmacist. You could train a monkey to do this job. Counting pills. That's what a Pharmacist does; counts pills. It's not like they make the drugs themselves; which is probably a good thing too; remember that Mr. Gower from "It's a Wonderful Life"? Remember how he almost killed that kid making his own drugs? Pharmacist? Over glorified pill counter is more like it. And for this he gets to act like some kind of pseudo Doctor.
Art therapy?
A couple of people I know are art therapists so I'm going to catch some shit for this; but, Art Therapy?
Think back through history...most artists were really fucked up people. They were either insane, alcoholics, delusional or a combination of these afflictions. I studied art in college and I got to tell you, must of the people I know who are artists; they're messed up in the head. I mean, look at me for God's sake; I've been drawing since I could hold a pencil, and if I'm not a prime candidate for therapy, I don't know who is. So I ask you; do we really think having mental patients draw pretty pictures is going to fix their heads any? It sure did wonders for Van Gogh didn't it?
Traditional costumes?
When does a style of dress become traditional? Are khakis and a polo shirt now considered traditional? Most Americans have been wearing jeans and tee shirts since the 1950's as their casual wear, is this now considered the traditional dress of America? I've been all over the world and the clothes that the people wear to represent traditional dress, don't look anything like what the rest of the population is wearing. These traditional clothes have been out of style hundreds of years. When and who decided, "Well, this is our traditional dress". What if this was just something somebody threw on for the day because their other clothes were in the hamper? What if the Kilt became the traditional dress of Scotland because Andrew McTavish ran out of clean pants and just threw on his wives skirt to run down to the store to buy laundry detergent? Or maybe he was just a little kinky. My feeling is this; if the "Traditional" Costume isn't something that the majority of the populace wears day-to-day, then it can't be traditional, otherwise I'd still be running around in my buckskin loin clothe, and I don't think anybody wants to see that.
Civil War reenactment.
What is the big draw of grown men playing army in costumes from the 19th century? And why the Civil War? Why not the American Revolution or the War of 1812? I can't think of any other war, in any other country that gets this kind of treatment. It's just bizarre. What's the point? These events happened already; the outcome isn't going to change, but that doesn't even factor into the equation, because these enactors don't want to vary the outcome; they reenact everything exactly as it happened before. It's like, ok, you 100 guys have to do this, then you 100 guys do this, then you charge, then you retreat, then you 100 guys die and the battle will be over. What is the point!!! Why reenact something that already transpired without adding another perspective to it? The definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over exactly the same way and expecting a different outcome". The war is over boys! Go home! Do you think in 100 years, guys in Viet Nam are going to get together on weekends and reenact the Tet Offensive, or the Fall of Saigon? Somehow I don't think so.
I think what these guys need to do, is to get out of their traditional costumes, try some art therapy, and see their pharmacist for a little chemical help.
Love ya,
Kal
FRIENDS AND LOVERS
PUPPY?
ODDS & ENDS
Julie is just like any other wife...she's always telling me to eat better.
"You need to eat better." "Eat better". "Eat better". "Eat better". This is all I ever hear from her.
So I finally said to her, "You know, If you'd lift your hips up a little, that might help".
MUSIC TO MY EARS
On Interstate 94 by my house there are a ton of porn stores. In an attempt to lure customers away from the competition, one of these stores has a big banner out front advertising that they buy used magazines.
Used porn mags? Even I get grossed out by this.
I have to ask; what kind of creep would ever want to buy
a used porno mag?! Sticky pages and all. I can't imagine that there's a big market for this sort of thing. At least I hope there isn't.
HUH!? Ok? Am I missing something here?
WHO THE HELL CAN TELL IT"S HER!!!!!?????
On October 14, 2003, Lieutenant Colonel Yang Liwei became the first Chinese astronaut into space when China launched The Divine Vessel V into orbit around the Earth, entering China into the "space race" and finally paving the way for the International Space Station to get decent "Take Out".
I see where Wendy's is now offering Home Style Chicken Tenders on their menu.
What the hell is a Home Style Chicken Tender?
When you were a kid, do you ever remember your mom whipping up a bunch of Chicken Tenders for you and the family?
You moms out there; when was the last time you got a chicken, cut it into strips, breaded it, deep fried it and served it up to your family? I don't think I've ever heard of anyone cooking home-made chicken tenders. I'll pay anyone one hundred bucks if they're ever in a Wendy's and hear somebody say..."Gee whiz, these Chicken Tenders taste just like my mom's".
I understand that comfort food is all the rage and all; and that restaurants are trying to cash in on the "home style" cooking thing...but Home Style Chicken Tenders?
Come on. What's next? Home Style Mozzarella Sticks, just like Mama used to make?
This little item appeared in Happenings; which is the little free paper listing all the fun stuff that's "happening" in Kenosha.
Check out Tuesday nights at The Lighthouse.
Who knew the Crane sisters were so talented?
A TRIBUTE IN BRIEF
I know as a wee lad, I bought a pair of Specs in the hope of furthering my sexual education. Alas, much to my dismay I could no more see through clothes then I could leap tall buildings in a single bound.
On a weird and sad note, in a 1996 report by the Anti-Defamation League, Mr von Braunhut was said to have ties to the Ku Klux Klan and the Aryan Nation; though in a 1988 article published in the Washington Post relatives said he was Jewish. Von Braunhut himself would never discuss his religious background or his beliefs about race with the press.
I for one hope it's not true, I hate to think that a guy who wanted to bring such joy to kids was a psycho, so I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt.
KAL'S Q & A
Dear Kal,
Dear What the,
A LETTER FROM THE PUBLISHERS
There were other concerns also, mostly that people just didn't get to their computers enough, some only have computers at work, some just like reading in a more comfortable spot (i.e. the bathroom) and some just missed the ugly green envelope.
Well due to this overwhelming response, (and in the interest of keeping America regular) I've decided to return to the old printed version, but will still put stuff on the web for those of you who enjoy the extras provided there; such as color, better and more photos and the little links to other sites.
Whatever version you prefer; read it and enjoy it. It really doesn't matter to me which version you like, both versions have their pros and cons, but if nobody is reading the Internet version, then there's really no point to it. You know, it's like the old Zen question; if a tree falls in the woods when nobody's around, does it still make a noise? Whoa scary stuff. But that's the beauty of this thing; crude jokes on one page, ancient wisdom on the next.
Anyway, like I said, where you read it isn't important to me; bathroom, bedroom or office, I don't care, just as long as you read it somewhere.
Thanks.
THE BASEBALL PAGE
Well here it is, the very first item for sale at Kalspals.com...it's the Kevin bobblehead!!!!
Ain't it great!?
Of course this is just an illustration
And of course this is bullshit.
But don't it look good anyway?
EVIL CUB FAN
Now there are three possible explanations
1. He really is an ox fan. I mean, I once knew this girl from Tiajuana who really loved donkeys; but that's another story.
2. He is a White Sox fan, and that SOXFAN1 was already taken, so he opted for the next best thing, that being OXFAN1 instead of say SOXFAN536.
or 3. He is a Sox fan, and being a typical Sox fan, spelled Sox fan as best as he could.
HAIKU CORNER
I hear you Eddie. I hear you.
Cubs Haiku, I write
Steve Bartman, Cub fan
Win one game of three
Five outs, up three runs
CUBS HISTORY AND ME
In 1984 I was married for the first time...
In 1989 I was divorced...
In 2003 I was married again. This time to Julie...
So as you can see, every time I change my marital status, the Cubs win their Division. I have no idea what I have to do in order for the Cubs to win the World Series; but that's a moot point, because I got bad news Cub fans...the Cubs aren't going to win their Division ever again...
ITALY
10. Joined the Illuminatti
9. Pushed a Slinky down the Spanish Steps
8. Played "Caligula and the slave girl"
7. Challenged Swiss Guard to a yodeling contest
6. Suckled on the teat of a she-wolf
5. Tortured heretics until they renounced Satan
4. Did the town. Fellini style!!!!
3. Had lunch at "Planet Vatican"
2. 3 words: Gelato brain freeze
and the number one thing Kevin & Julie did while in Rome was...
Broke into the Vatican Museum, stole a priceless Raphael, led Italian police and Swiss guards on a wild chase thru the streets of Rome, crossed over the Alps by hang glider, fenced the priceless Raphael to a Swiss banker, bought a villa in France and lived the rest of our lives as international art / jewel thieves.
Then I woke up.
WHEN IN ROME...
AND I QUOTE...
KAL'S PALS TRIVIA
Which Kal's Pal plays in the world famous power pop group Badfinger?? ?
JUNK DRAWER
SCIENCE!
A recent study published in the journal of Urology found that eating soy may alter the male reproductive organs, triggering sexual dysfunction. Hold the tofu and give me four cheeseburgers to go please.
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!?
Birthday:
Birthplace:
Occupation:
Current Home:
Working On:
Worst Job Experience:
The Last Good Movie I Saw:
The Book I've Been Reading:
Favorite Pig Out Food:
Nickname:
Favorite Performer:
Prized Possession:
People always think I'm:
I'd give anything to meet:
Favorite Annual Event:
A really great evening to me is:
My Fantasy Is:
The One Thing I Can't Stand is:
If I Could Change One Thing About Myself:
I'm Really Good At:
My Most Irrational Act:
If I've Learned One Thing In Life It's:
Major accomplishment:
Hobbies:
Three words that best describe me:
KEVIN CONNECTION Once, Mark and I spilt an order of 100 chicken wings after a Cubs game, this was in addition to the 6 beers and 2 hot dogs apiece we had at the game.
FAVORITE MARK STORY
Mark is now a successful commodities trader, has a lovely wife, a cute little boy and as you read in the "Friends and Lovers" section is expecting their second child. As you can see, Color Blindness has not stopped Mark from leading a full, happy and productive life, and as such, should be an inspiration to us all. Continue the good fight Mark, we are all with you my friend, we are all with you.
AND IN CLOSING...
One. You're eating way too much food. So much food, that you can't carry enough cash with you to pay for it.
Or two...you don't even have $1.50 in your pocket and have to load up your Visa with Big Mac charges.
Either way, you're probably a busted flat, fat-ass
bastard with bad credit...hey, wait a minute!!!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAYS
WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT A PUPPY?
She's been bugging me since before we got married
to get a puppy, so I started making arrangements
and got her one for Christmas. It's a male Golden
Retriever that we named, what else? Wrigley.
New York, Julie sat near Kayan & Jai from Queer
Eye for the Straight Guy and had a brief chat with
Jai. She said to them..."You know, there's this guy
I know in Kenosha..."
It's Cheri!
For more FRIENDS & LOVERS click on Cheri.
Go ahead. She likes it.
Life With Julie
After years of sucking the soul out of the music industry, CBS, RCA, Sony and the other major labels recently announced a loss of revenue for the fourth year in a row, adding up to a 33% decline in total sales.
Executives at these companies are at a loss as how to reverse this trend. I have a suggestion for them...
why not make music that doesn't SUCK!
Here's a photo of an Iraqui woman getting her
photo taken in her full burka. 
Harold von Braunhut, the man who invented "X-Ray Specs" and "Sea Monkeys", passed away on November 28, 2003 at the age of 77. Mr. von Braunhut thrilled millions of American kids with his wacky comic book ads that promised everything from miniature spy cameras, to X-Ray Specs, to living breathing Sea Monkeys; all for mere pennies.
Dear Kal,
I see where you recently got married...
Aren't you gay?
Signed
Queer Eye Guy
Dear Queer Eye,
This is a common
misconception. Though I am well groomed and
occasionally enjoy a nice glass of Pinot Grigio, I am not gay; there was that one drunk weekend back in college though, when I dressed up as Bette Davis, and led a conga line down Halsted Street.
I've seen you, and I've
seen your wife;
how the hell did you get this lucky?
Signed
What the hell?
Have you ever read "Faust"?
A while ago I polled all the pal's of Kal who have e-mail and asked them if they preferred their Kal's Pals on paper or plastic; meaning would they rather get the old printed version or the new Internet version. I have to say, I was rather surprised to find out that about 95% of Internet users still preferred the old printed version. Apparently the major concern was that it's too hard to read the Internet version because most people don't have computers in their bathrooms, where, apparently most folks read their Kal's Pals.
I saw a guy driving the other day with
the license plate OXSFAN1.
for this license plate...
The following Haikus were written by Eddie Gardner in an attempt to assuage his pain.
Will it be one hundred years?
Just win before Sox
Do not hate me billy goat
Take the ball, Alou
Ghosts of seasons past at bay
Dropped ball, cruel night
Bring on the Yanks or BoSox
Cubs cannot lose, right?
This is all I'm going to say about it. I knew the Cubs would win their division this year, and here's why.
the Cubs won their Division.
the Cubs won their Division
the Cubs won their Division.
at least as long as I'm alive.
The 10 Best Things Kevin & Julie
did while in Rome.
Oh wait, that was Romulus and Remus
Here's some more things we did in Italy that didn't fit into the joke above:
Did you ever notice that most Porno Stores are open
24 hours? Why is this? I mean how often do you have
to run out at 3 in the morning because you need a dildo?
Say the words "Back care".
Now say the words "Back hair".
What's the difference?
"I needed back care for my back hair".
Don't ask. I'm just rambling.
(more or less)
Steve Wozny.
The first couple to share a bed on television was not as most believe Fred and Wilma Flintstone, but Mary Kay & Johnny Stearns, stars of the very first television sitcom, Mary Kay and Johnny. Mary Kay and Johnny debuted in November of 1947 and ran for three years on three different networks, Dumont, NBC, and CBS, no tape, kinescope or film remain of this show and it has vanished into obscurity.
Name:
Mark Green.
April 28, 1968.
Chicago, Illinois.
Wheat options trader.
Arlington Heights.
Getting our house ready for our new baby, which is due July 8th.
Being a Valet parker one night at a restaurant.
I'm color blind and at the time I couldn't drive a stick.
Not a winning combo.
"About Schmidt".
"Money Ball" by Michael Lewis.
It combines two of my loves: baseball and numbers.
Deep dish pizza.
Stupid or lazy.
Steven Wright-the comedian.
My wedding ring (as sappy as that sounds!)
Shorter than I really am because most
of my friends are very tall.
Technically, I am average height (5' 81/2")
Jim Morrison.
Christmas morning. My son Zack is 31/2 and is way into the whole thing. It is fun to watch.
It starts with a baby sitter and involves Elise and I going out for a nice, quiet, long dinner at a steak joint.
To be a rockstar.
People who complain all the time and play the victim.
My eating habits. My love of junk food, plus the fact that I can be a huge binge eater makes it tough to stay thin.
Computing numbers in my head.
In college at University of Indiana, I jumped off a 100 foot cliff into a quarry. (There was water in the quarry!).
Take risks. Calculated risks when successful bring the best results.
Marrying Elise! After being friends for 5 years, out of the blue I told her I loved her. We were married two years later.
Crossword puzzles.
Not that bad.
I met Mark through our mutual friends Tom & Mary Trucco. Mark used to live next door to Tom & Mary and I met him by just hanging around. Over time we discovered that we share a love for both the Cubs and chicken wings among other things. Whenever one of us would have an extra ticket for the Cubs we'd call the other one up, watch the game and then go to Yakzie's for chicken wings, and this is how our love has grown.
When Mark was a little boy of about 6 or 7 he went to the bank with his parents, the bank was doing free eye tests so Mark got hooked up. During the course of the test it was discovered that Mark is color blind. Well naturally young Mark started crying about this, the old man giving the test felt sorry for young Mark and started to consul him..."Don't worry little boy, it's o.k to be color blind, I'm color blind. It doesn't matter, you can still live a normal productive life, you'll get a good job and even get married, just like me."
McDonald's and Taco Bell are now accepting credit cards at their restaurants. If you are paying for your Happy Meals with a credit card you got one of two problems.