It's Cheri!

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

LADIES HAVIN' BABIES

LADIES HAVIN' ACCIDENTS

AND I QUOTE...
(more or less)

KAL'S PALS TRIVIA

Which Kal's Pal once acted as bodyguard for Jesse Jackson?

My cousin Michael.

JUNK DRAWER

Harry Shearer of Spinal Tap and The Simpsons fame
got his start in Show Business playing the young Jack Benny on the Jack Benny Radio Show. He also played Eddie Hascle in the pilot episode of Leave it to Beaver.

SCIENCE!
Scientists in India (of all places) have found a way to de-gas foods like beans and cabbages. They blast them with gamma rays. This destroys the substance responsible for making the gas in your large intestine, but doesn't alter the foods taste or appearance. It does however turn you into a 1,000 pound green berserker monster (obscure refererence to the Hulk).

This little item was sent in by Eddie G. following the death of the late great
Barry White. Eddie was wondering if Barry was the first Simpson's guest
to portray himself on the show to have passed away. Unfortunately no.
Following is the list Ed came up with.

Kev
Here's the list of those who have been guests on the Simpsons,
who have starred as themselves, and have departed this mortal coil.

10/17/91 Chick Hearn
2/27/92 Steve Allen
4/29/93 Barry White
3/18/93 Joey Ramone
5/21/95 Tito Puente
10/15/95 Linda McCartney
11/23/97 Stephan Jay Gould
4/30/00 Joe C.
11/05/00 John Entwistle

Well, there you have it. This is only seasons 1 through 12.
If there are any additions, let me know. Boy, do I need a job!

MMMMMM......Grim Specter of Death

Unbeknownst to most people, six months ago, Mike and I were sent to to Iraq by the United States government on a covert diplomatic mission. Obviously things didn't go so well. While there though, Mikey and I made the most of our time. Maybe that's why things didn't go so well.

Here are the top ten things Mike and I did while in Iraq.

10. Tried to smuggle bars of gold across the
border with George Clooney & Marky Mark

9. Dressed up as Carol Channing and sang "Hello Dolly.
Oh wait, that's what we did on our Diplomatic Mission
to the Gay Pride Parade

8. Bought spiffy new suits from Saddam's tailor

7. Organized touch football game between
Republican Guards & U.N. Inspectors

6. Ran errand for Saddam to Africa;
brought back very heavy mystery package

5. Went to Bar-b-que at Chemical Ali's

4. Sang killer version of "Rock the Casbah"
at Bagdahd Karoke

3. Watched "The Bachelor" with Qusay;
Told him "You would be perfect for this show"

2. Hit the Disco's with Uday

And the number one thing Mike & I did in Iraq was...

1. Searched for "weapons of mass destruction"
at the Iraqi Hooters

SIMILARITIES BETWEEN SADDAM HUSSEIN & KEVIN

Saddam:
Hates Bush
Kevin:
Loves bush

Saddam:
Never bought Uranium from Africa
Kevin:
Never bought Uranium from Africa

Saddam:
Was the leader of the Bath Party
Kevin:
Once was the leader of a hot tub party

Saddam:
Known to use deadly gas
Kevin:
Known to have deadly gas

Saddam:
Has an Uncle known as "Chemical Ali"
Kevin:
Has an Uncle known to be chemical dependent

Saddam:
Lives in the land of Kurds
Kevin:
Lives in the land of kurds (cheese kurds that is)

Saddam:
Has big Scud Missles
Kevin:
Has a big "scud missle"

Saddam:
Was a victim of "Shock & Awe"
Kevin:
Often causes shock & awe

WEIRDO-MAN, WEIRDO-MAN,
DOES WHATEVER A WEIRDO CAN

Our good friend Johnny I. has sent in these disturbing yet
compelling photos of some weirdo "Spider-man" fan he found
on the net.

What the hell goes through some people's minds?

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!?

Name:
Charles A.

Birthday:
July 8, 1946.

Birthplace:
Milwaukee, Wi.

Occupation:
Crisis Stabilization Provider/Trainer Non-Voilent Crisis Intervention.

Current Home:
Milwaukee, Wi.

Working On:
Dog training. My new pup Miso.

Worst Job Experience:
3rd Shift welder the Summer of '65.

The Last Good Movie I Saw:
Finding Nemo (I mentor a lot).

The Book I've Been Reading:
"Bobby Fisher teaches Chess"/ "Pocket Book of Chess" Raymond Keem.

Favorite Pig Out Food:
Pizza and Ice Cream/ Chips and Coke.

Nickname:
None.

Favorite Performer:
John Wayne, Frank, Tom Hanks, DeNiro, Travolta.

Prized Possession:
My fathers fishing Equipment...old cane poles, line and the cloth bag filled with line, weights and good fishing memories.

People always think I'm:
I just blend into the crowd.

I'd give anything to meet:
John Wayne.

Favorite Annual Event:
Christmas; it's the only time everybodies around, talking all at once, lots of noise. Happy times.

A really great evening to me is:
A nice meal, good wine, fun people, lots of laughs, one good dance with Pamela and Frank on the CD driving home.

My Fantasy Is:
I'd like to be an entertainer...sing, tap dance, work Vegas, be a part of the Rat Pack.

The One Thing I Can't Stand is:
Too much perfume or cologne that enters the room before you do. Gives me a headache.

If I Could Change One Thing About Myself:
My shirt size. My arms are too long.

I'm Really Good At:
?

My Most Irrational Act:
Having an argument over holding a door open for a woman and not having a good reply other then "you stink of smoke".

If I've Learned One Thing In Life It's:
Never take anything for granted.

Major accomplishment:
Still working on that one.

Hobbies:
Golf, fishing, tennis, bowling.

Three words that best describe me:
Caring, funny, steadfast.

KEVIN CONNECTION
"Chucky" (no nick name my ass) is my mother's youngest brother, and is only fourteen years older then me, so he's always been more of an older cousin to me then uncle. Chuck is a heck of a guy...highly decorated vet, ex -cop, mentor of several youngsters in the Milwaukee area, great maker of svinchunni (pizza)... but a terrible teller of jokes. All my life he has tormented me with one bad joke after another...and they're aren't even dirty bad jokes. Just clean, hokey, bad jokes. Oh well, not everybody in the family can be a comic genius.

As a young boy, I looked up to Charlie (mainly because he was taller than me back then) and said to him once "Uncle Chucky, one day, when I grow up, I'm going to copy your hair style." And the rest is history.

FAVORITE CHUCK STORY
I already told you my favorite Chuck story back in Issue 32 but another favorite story of mine involving Chuck is this one...when Chuck got out of the army, my father took him and I around Milwaukee on a bender one summer day. Chuck and my dad drank, while I just hung around (I was six), our day enden with my father taking us to this bar, where a bunch of black bikers hung out. The bikers were called "the Outer Limits" and my dad worked with a bunck of them. I remember this big banner hanging over the pool table that had this drawing of a big breasted black woman riding a motorcycle/rocket and the words "The Outer Limits" over her. After drinking there for a while we all climb on a bike with a rdier and take off.

Here I am this little 6 year old white boy, riding on the front of a big old Hog, with a black biker named "Blood" , my dad and his ride on one side and Chuck and his ride on the other, all laughing and having a great time. It was so cool. I'll never forget it.

This isn't really a "Chuck" story, more of a "dad" story, but it just shows how cool Chuck was/is...a twenty year old kid just back from Nam, riding around on a Harley in the summer night; I never thought about it until now but how sweet life must have felt right then to Chucky...and it was.?

KAL'S PALS SALUTES...
THE T.V. DINNER

Here's the question. What would you do if you woke up the day after Thanksgiving and had 270 tons of turkey leftover. Yep. I said 270 TONS. Well this is exactly the problem Gerald Thomas, an executive at C.A. Swanson & Sons faced in 1954. What the hell to do with all that damn turkey!?

"After Thanksgiving, Swanson had ten refrigerated railroad cars -- each containing 520,000 pounds of unsold turkeys -- going back and forth across the country in refrigerated railroad box cars. We just didn't have enough storage in warehouses. We were challenged to come up with a way to get rid of the turkeys." said Thomas.

So what to do? What to do? Racking his brain for a few days, Thomas, supposedly inspired by the aluminium dinner trays they used in airplanes, came up with the idea of packing the leftovers into frozen dinners. The beauty of the aluminium tray idea was that you could just rip open the box and put the whole thing in the oven (remember, no microwave ovens back there in 1954) and 30 minutes later, you had dinner. Sweet!

Thomas sketched a drawing of a three-compartment aluminum tray, presented it to his bosses and then came up with the name ''TV dinner.''

''It's the classic example of necessity being the mother of invention,'' said Thomas, 77, now retired.

The first TV dinner, consisted of turkey (of course), corn bread dressing with gravy, buttered peas and sweet potatoes, it cost 98 cents (about $6 in todays terms), came in a box resembling a TV, and was a huge success. Though at the time, the first production order of 5,000 dinners was thought to be a tremendous gamble and kept Thomas on the edge of his seat for days.

About two dozen women armed with ice cream scoops filled the dinner trays at night. The initial 5,000 dinner order proved to be a gross underestimation though; as Swanson ended up selling 10,000,000 dinners that year. And that's a whole lot of turkey!

Swanson wasn't the first company to try its hand at frozen meals, but earlier attempts didn't go over so big. The dinners became a hit when more and more families began eating in front of their new televisions. As the popularity of television grew, so did the dinners. Thus the genius behind Thomas' name for his product. Today, frozen dinners are a 4 billion dollar a year industry, and that's a whole lot of Pot Pies!

Most of the dinners bought back then were prepared the same day they were purchased. Remember, aside from not having microwaves, most people didn't have freezers either.

Following the success of the turkey dinner, a frozen fried chicken entre was introduced in 1955, (the same year Campbell Soup Co. bought Swanson) followed soon by Salisbury steak. Special desserts were added later. Turkey is still the most popular Swanson dinner, except in Fort Worth-Dallas, where, like me, fried chicken is the favorite.

In 1962 Swanson stopped using the name "TV Dinners"; executives feared it would discourage consumers from eating the meals at different times of the day. The aluminium tray is also long gone, replaced by one that is microwave-safe.

With or without "TV Dinner" on the box name or the cool little tray inside, I still can't wait until Julie goes out of town, so that I can plop my ass down in front of the tube and delight in my next Hungryman Chicken Dinner. And that's a whole lot of eatin'!