How come I never get consulted on these types of things?

When are you people going to start taking my feelings into consideration when you make these life changing decisions?

These two twenty foot high bronze sculptures are scheduled to be unveiled in the Summer of 2003; one is of Vince Lombardi and the other of Curly Lambeau...though Johnny thinks Curly Howard would be a better choice!

Johnny has also helped sculp the statues at Tiger Stadium and the Harry Carry statue in front of Wrigley Field.

Besides all this, John also paints and writes music. He's just one talented mother.

Pics at the Sox game . Click here.

What the...???

My good friend's Rene and Kevin C. went to Joe's Crab Shack for dinner with their kids. When the waitress presented the kids with their menu/coloring book/placemats, Rene knew we had a lawsuit for misappropriation of likeness on our hands.

Thanks for looking out for me Rene.

In the mean time kids; print out the picture, color it and send it to me. The best drawing will win a prize!

Can you hear me now?
I know you've seen this...people using a head-set microphone while talking on their cell phones. The head-set has an ear peice ( that fits in your ear. Duh.) and a microphone that hangs in front of your mouth. In theroy using this equipment allows you to talk on your cell phone and still keep both hands on the steering wheel while driving.

In theroy.

Yet in reality the microphones are so bad that everybody has to use one hand to hold the damn thing up to their mouths so that they can be heard, thus defeating the whole purpose of the head set.

WATCH OUT!!!

Damn, that was a close one.

Who the Hell are You!?

Name:
Kevin E.

Birthday:
March 27, 1960.

Birthplace:
The land of cheese.

Occupation:
I sell toilet paper.

Current Home:
Chicago, for the time being.

Working On:
You're looking at it.

Worst Job Experience:
Cleaning dead rats from under the
trash compactor of the
Standard Oil Building.

The Last Good Movie I Saw:
Big breasted, butt bangin', biker babes in bondage.
It's an art film.

The Book I've Been Reading:
"How to hide a video camera anywhere".

Favorite Pig Out Food:
Pig. And any pork like product.

Nickname:
Jag-monkey. Monkey-boy. Jag-boy.
Clown-monkey. Monkey-clown-boy-jag-man. Kev.

Favorite Performer:
I used to like this one chick at "The Baby Doll"
until she had the bouncers kick my ass.

Prized Possession:
I can't decide between my "Action Comics" #1,
my Honus Wagner baseball card or my
"upside- down airplane" postage stamp.

People always think I'm:
Really paying attention to what they're saying.

I'd give anything to meet:
God. I think he/she has some explaining to do.

Favorite Annual Event:
Well, shaving my back for vacation is always fun.

A really great evening to me is:
Me, Julie and a bottle of baby oil.

My Fantasy Is:
Illegal in 47 states.

The One Thing I Can't Stand is:
Myself. I keep falling over.

If I Could Change One Thing About Myself:
I'd be fatter. And balder.

I'm Really Good At:
Hiding the bodies.

My Most Irrational Act:
Three words. Prince Albert piercing.

If I've Learned One Thing In Life It's:
Urine DOES conduct electricity.

Major accomplishment:
Fooling Julie into thinking I'm smart, good looking and caring.
If she ever finds out that I'm an trollish, imbecilic a-hole, I'm doomed.

Hobbies:
Writing Haikus, yoga and meditation.
And if by writing Haikus, yoga and meditation
I mean reading porn and getting bombed at Cubs games
then those are my hobbies.

Three words that best describe me:
Slippery when wet.

Kal's Pals Salutes...
Ketchup

Ketchup or Catsup? What's the difference? Well as it turns out; nothing. Both are sauces derived from tomatoes. The only difference I've been able to find between the two, is that some people think "catsup" is a less commercial, better tasting version of ketchup. But that's just an opinion, not a fact. So as far as I'm concerned, there's no difference. And the same goes for "Fancy Ketchup" too. "Fancy" ketchup indeed. That's just some sort of stupid marketing scam. It's ketchup for crying out load. What could you do to it to make it fancy?

But back to our original question...what is ketchup and where did it come from?

Contrary to popular belief, ketchup is not an American invention, nor is it always made from tomatoes. Sure Henry Heinz made "Heinz tomato ketchup" the most popular type of ketchup in the world, but ketchup was around for centuries before he came along and was made of all kinds of stuff besides tomatoes. Heinz wasn't even the first guy to bottle the stuff.

No. Ketchup has been around forever. The first versions being a sauce made of anchovies, walnuts, mushrooms and kidney beans. Sounds yummy, doesn't it? What Heinz did that was so inventive was to put his products into clear bottles, this way people could see his products and see their quality. Commercial food processing was in it's infancy in the 1860's; people didn't trust most food processors, and with good reason. A lot of companies used "fillers" in their products. Wood pulp, leaves, saw dust; all were used to extend products (read "The Jungle" for crying out loud). Heinz, wanted people to know that he was selling a "pure & superior" product. A product that was good for them and not filled with anything that was swept off the floor. So, he put it into clear bottles to make sure people would see the great quality that they were buying. In 1876 Henry added Ketchup to his condiment line of horseradish (his first product) pickled cucumbers, sauerkraut, vinegar and celery sauce. 20 years later, in 1896, Heinz added his famous "57" varieties to his label, even though he was manufacturing well over 60 at the time.

Legend has it that Hank was inspired by a shoe advertisement he saw which featured "21 styles" of shoes. He liked the sound of that. So Heinz started counting up all the varieties of products his company offered. There were over 60 different items offered by The Heinz Company at the time. But for some odd reason (and I don't know the answer to this one) the numbers "5" and "7" had special meaning to Henry and his wife. So adopting "57" and changing the word "styles" to "varieites", Heinz came up with his world famous slogan. Which when you think about it has no significance what so ever.

But enough about Heinz (for now) let's get back to ketchup.

Ketchup is most likely Asian in origin. The word ketchup probably comes from the Amoy dialect of China. The word, koechiap or ke-tsiap roughly translates into "the brine of pickled fish", which makes some sense, seeing as how the first ketchups were fish sauces and chili pastes. Apparently food tasted so bad in the Orient that this "brine of pickled fish" was considered a flavor enhancer.

In the sixteenth century, the East India Company of England opened trade in the Far East , British sailors looking for excitement would hang around the port markets of Singapore where Malaysian vendors hawked exotic dishes accompanied by a tasty hot sauce dubbed "kechap". This tasty dressing soon became a favorite of the seadogs, and as these swabbies returned home, their new found dressing returned with them.

Pretty soon British housewives were trying to recreate this spicy sauce that their mates so loved. Alas, the Brits lacked many of the exotic ingredients used in the Indonesian versions of the sauce, so they had to improvise. Mushrooms became the most popular choice of ketchup, followed by sauces made from walnuts, anchovies, and even oysters!

Despite the lack of conformity, ketchups were becoming all the rage.

Sailors brought the sauces with them across the Atlantic on their way to America. Tomatoes gathered during trips to Mexico and the West Indies were eventually added to the sauce. Tomato ketchup became so popular that sailors took seeds with them back across the Atllantic and planted their own tomato gardens. But making the new ketchup was a lot of work. You had to stir the tomato puree all day so that it wouldn't become a thick gooey mess. And that's when manufacturers saw an opportunity and started to mass produce the stuff.

I can't say why tomatoe ketchup became the most popular brand, I just got to figure that tomatoes are a lot tastier then mushrooms or fish brine. And thank God, because I just can't picture my self going to McDonalds and asking for an extra package of "fish sauce" for my french fries.

Brad the Bard

My buddy Brad, who lives in Phoenix Az. got a creative bug up his butt. What else does he have to do in Phoenix? Anyhow, he wrote a bunch of poems (in different forms) honoring Kal's pals! Read them below. I think hey're funny as hell, but then again, I'm slightly biased. I especially like the "Ode", "The grammar's getting better (punctuation's plainly moot)"...that line kills me.

That Brad...he's a genius.

Haiku:
The Kal's Pals Web Site
Makes my sides ache with laughter
I just wet my pants

Limerick:
Kal's Pals has a brand new web site
With the features we love it's packed tight
Cheri's picture is there
And the news that we share
Though Kevin's wit is the real highlight.

Free Verse:
Darkness...
Walloons fleeing on the wind.
A smell of
Humiliations...
I think I must touch that
which I
Crave but can not
Taste.
Wait, Kal's Pals Website...
Joy!

An ode to Kal's Pals
(this is really better if read out loud - preferably by me, so I can slur over all the meter miscues):

If a glimmer of a giggle meets a smattering of smiles,
And sniggling smirks abound (cause the humor's juvenile),
If the chuckles turn to chortles and I'm laughing with delight,
You know I must be reading, Kal's Pals brand new cool web site.

The features are informative, but also quite a hoot,
The grammar's getting better (punctuation's plainly moot),
The pictures sure are memorable, the graphics are top notch,
The content runs the gamut (though seems driven by Kevin's crotch)

"Odds and Ends" has lots of stuff (the bizarre, the wild, the crazy),
"And I Quote" is always true (though the context may be hazy).
"Science" makes me smarter, "Junkyard Drawer" will do that too,
"Check It Out" lists Pal's ideas, for things to see and do.

"Friends and Lovers" is an update on the people I've been missing,
Like who's moving, married or preggers; or who Cheri was seen kissing.
"Kal's Pals Trivia" is full of facts, about this goofy crew,
But to really know each Pal, read "Who The Hell Are You?"

"Kal's Pals Salutes" discusses, many things that Kevin likes,
Like catsup, condoms, vibrators (what's that mean about his Pych?).
And of course, "Kevitorial" is all his Rants and Raves,
Pepper, retirement, NASCAR , sure - but his scrotum? Kev, behave!

"Me So Evil" Kevin says as he jokes at other's expenses.
But he saves the worst for himself, in the humor he dispenses,
He often writes 'bout baseball, and he loves the Cubbies...truly,
But now it seems he's playing ball, with some chick whose name is Julie!

I'm proud to say I've read each issue from the very first
(Even though I thought at times my sides were going to burst)
So now Kal's Pals has gone high-tech and joined the Internet boom,
(but how am I going to read it, from my seat, in the bathroom?)

I can't imagine how life would be, without each special issue
I know that I (and lots of folks) would really, really miss you.
So here's some thanks for all do you for every guy and gal,
A Laurel, and Hardy handshake; a Salute to my Pal, Kal.

Prose:
Nice job, Kevin

No. Nice job Brad

Huh?
So I'm in "Seven Eleven" the other day when I notice that they have "taco" flavored frozen pizzas and "pizza" flavored taco's. Am I missing something here? This reminds me of my friend Dr. Jeff , who once ordered "two pizza's; both half sausage and half mushroom" (check out the "And I quote" page).

And speaking of Dr. Jeff. Here's a picture of him from our recent trip to Greece. To see the whole picture just click on that smiling mug. I warn you though, this is not for the faint of heart.

Separated at Birth?

Julie & Laura Bush

Julie's going to kill me for this.

Travel log
In Massachusettes they pronounce "Worchester" as "Woster", "Glochester" as "Gloster" and "Doorchester" as, well "Doorchester". I just don't understand the "New English".

Forget about "Great America", "Disneyworld" or "Kings Island'; if you really want to experience the thrill ride of your life kiddies, take a cab from Soho to Midtown Manhattan at 3 in the morning. I guarantee you'll wet your pants.

Did you know...
... that at 2 a.m. they are selling sets of knives and swords on QVC. Should we be selling sets of knives and swords to drunk-ass guys like myself who are watching QVC at 2 a.m.? Is this wise? I think there is something very scary about this.

...also on tv at 2 a.m. they show reruns of "Live with Regis and Kelly". Who the hell is watching this? I gotta believe that the people who watch Regis aren't up at 2 a.m. and the people who are up at 2 a.m. couldn't give a rat's ass about Regis and Kelly. Who besides a bunch of zoned out stoners starring at the screen is watching this crap?

Just a funny story

Back in my college days, I had this teacher named Gunther T., who at the start of each new semester would make you stand in front of the class and tell everybody about yourself and in what area of design your interests lay.

Well during one of these sessions this new guy gets up in front of everybody and starts telling his story. At one point he says he is interested in computer graphics.

This is like 1980ish, and at the time UIC had one of the best computer graphics experts in the world working there, Dan S.. Dan is still considered a major inovator in computer design and is working on some cutting edge stuff even as we speak.

Anyway, Gunther asks this guy "Have you taken "Dan's" class"?

The guy looks puzzled and after hesitating a few seconds says..."I took modern dance". Well the class (which consisted of the very sensitive Mike B., the 2 Daves...H. and S. and myself) just about wet our pants laughing. I still crack up whenever I tell this story.

Whatever happened to that guy after that class? I don't know. He dropped out shortly after that and I think ended up with the Alvin Allie Dancers.

Passing on.

Arthur Melin the co-founder of Wham-O passed away. Wham-O brought joy to millions of baby boomers with such cool products as the Hula-Hoop, Frisbee and SuperBall.

I was too young for the debut of the Hula Hoop, but I definately remember when the Frisbee and SuperBall came out, especially the SuperBall.

The first SuperBalls came in three sizes; small, medium and large; for a nickle, dime and quarter respectively. The medium ball was the size of the large ones you get today. The quarter size was HUGE!

Very few kids had these, because very few kids had a quarter to blow on stuff like this back then. Remember, at this time you could still buy most of your candy for a penny.

All the SuperBalls though, no matter what size were black; those fancy colored ones didn't come out until a few years later. SuperBalls were so innovative that they were even advertised on T.V. Can you imagine seeing a commercial for a SuperBall today? No way; they are so common place, people don't even think about them. But back in 1966 they were the Pokeman of their day.

So, for the millions of boomers out there who played with your Frisbees, Gigantic Bubbles, Skip-it or the SuperBall...Mister Melin, thank you very much.

Junk Drawer

And I quote...
(more or less)

Science!

Scientists in India have found a way to de-gas foods like beans and cabbages. They blast them with gamma rays. This destroys the substance responsible for making the gas in your large intestine, but doesn't alter the foods taste or appearance. It does however turn you into a 1,000 pound green berserker monster (obscure refererence to the Hulk).

Kal's Pals Trivia

Which Kal's Pal once worked at WalMart giving out food samples?
My sweetie, Julie.