On August 16,1977 Elvis Presley died. He was 42 and I was 17. This year I turned 42. In other words...Holy shit! What happened!? I'm old. Where did my life go? I'm middle aged. And what really pisses me off is that I have all the problems of the middle aged. I have more hair coming out of my ears than my head; every morning I snap, crackle & pop; if I drink anything after 8 p.m., I pee all night (and don't always make it to the can), and the worst thing of all, I have an emergency stash of Viagra hidden next to my bed...just in case. There are commercials on T.V. that I used to ignore but now pay close attention too. I mean how far away am I from a life of Ensure & Depends?
Longevity runs in my family. Two of my grandparents lived into their 90's and my mother's mother turns 94 this year. Look at what a mess I am now! Can you picture me at 94? Not a pretty sight.
Anyway in some kind of tribute to the fact that most of my friends are now in their 40's (or older) and somehow tying it in with the Elvis dying at 42 thing...this is the "Too Old to Rock & Roll and Too Young To Die" Issue. The theme being a rock & roll and aging kind of thing.
Aging; it creeps up on you before you know it. Or as infamous rocker Neil Young once said..."Rust never sleeps".
Somebody please get me an oil can!!!!
Hey! Want to read some news about my pal's...click here.
Friends & Lovers
Cheri...Not a "fag hag", but a "Fairy Princess".
Louie, Louie
For years teenage boys across America thought that the lyrics to "Louie Louie" by the Kingsmen were dirty. So prevelent was this belief that the F.B.I. was actually called in to investigate. The F.B.I found that though the lyrics were slurred, (Jack Ely of the Kingsmen has said he sung the lyrics slurred to make it sound more interesting) they were in fact not the dirty lyrics horned-up teenagers like my older cousins thought they were.
Here are the real lyrics...
Which horny boys in the "60"s" thought were...
Now I gotta ask you...does this even make sense? The supposed lyrics don't even match up with the real ones, but most importantly; they're just stupid! "I put my boner in her hair"? Come on. Who but a hormone raging pre-teen could think of lyrics as dumb as these? Plus, remember people, this is 1965! No recording engineer in his right mind would have recorded the "f" word on a record. This is 5 years before George Carlin's famous "7 words you can't say" bit and look at all the trouble he got into for that.
So I'm sorry to disappoint all you guys, but the lyrics were clean, sloppy but clean.
Below are the real words. Drink 8 cans of Schlitz and sing them loudly.
Louie Louie, me gotta go
Fine Little girl she wait for me
Louie Louie, me gotta go
Three nights and days me sail the sea
Louie Louie, me gotta go
Me see Jamaica moon above
Louie Louie, me gotta go
Filler Part 1
She must really suck if nobody will give her a record deal. I mean every other rock star's kid has been given a chance. Brain Wilson's kids, Ringo's, both John Lennon's, even Ricky Nelson's kids had a band for crying outloud! Ricky Nelson!
Elvis has indeed left the building.
He would make 6 apperances on the Gleason show between January and March 24th of '56. He would not appear on The Sullivan show until later that year on September 9th, and even then, not before appearing twice on the Milton Berle Show.
The Incestual Lesbians & their hit single...
My Sister Tastes Like Me.
Anne Bancroft was only
36 when she played the part of the "older woman" Mrs. Robinson in "The Graduate".
The top ten benefits of getting older
10. When Alzheimers strikes, I'll be able to use the same jokes over and over and nobody will complain.
9. When Alzheimers strikes, I'll be able to use the same jokes over and over and nobody will complain.
8. Employee discounts at MacDonalds.
7. In most states, you can marry your cousin after 50!
6. Watching your pubes go gray is facsinating.
5. No condoms after menopause.
4. No longer bothered by that pesky morning hard-on.
3. Watching hours of t.v. without ever having to leave the couch
2. Nothing says fun like a prostate exam.
and the number one benefit of getting old is...
1. Gum jobs.
I know it's only rock & roll, but I like it.
I polled a few of my friends who are either in the music biz, musicians or rock aficionados and asked them...What are the 10 most influencial rock albums to you personally or to rock and roll in general. Here's what they said.
Mark Green (rock fan)
10. The Who/Tommy
9. Eric Clapton/Unplugged
8. AC/DC: Back in Black
7. Nirvana/Nevermind
6. Bob Dylan/Blood on the Tracks
5. The Beatles/Sargent Pepper
4. Pink Floyd/The Wall
3. Led Zepplin/Led Zepplin
2. The Doors/The Doors
1. Jimi Hendrix/Are you Experienced?
O.k. This issue was so big that I couldn't fit it all on one page...so to continue this feature click on this link.
Similarites between Elvis and Kevin
Elvis...
Elvis...
Elvis...
Elvis...
Elvis...
Elvis...
Elvis...
Filler Part 2
Remember, that opinion was coming from the guy to the right.
Fly him to the moon
Generation gap
The pot calling the kettle ??????
Oh Oh.
I'm old
Oldest Living Human
Kal's pals would like to extend our condolences at this time to the family of Kamoto Hongo.
Stone Cold Facts
When I think of the words "old" and "rock & roll" I naturally think of the Rolling Stones. The average age of the "Stones" breaks down to 58.5 years old, or a combined age of 234.
Charlie Watts 60
"I can't get no satisfaction...
The Unknown Stone:
Tongue Lashing:
Bloody Nonsense:
Spider-man, Spider-man, does whatever a spider can. Well duh!
As you know I and some of my friends are comic book geeks, and even though we are in our 40's some of us still read comic books (I said it was an issue about getting older, not more mature). Anyway, I asked two of the biggest Spider-man fans I know to give us a quick review of the movie about everyone's favorite wall crawler, which comes out next month on DVD. Here are the reviews of Dave Hartmann and John Iwanski, true believers both. Excellsior!
For more info go to...Spidey Surpise
David T. Hartmann
It's not necessary to know history of the character; it's all introduced successfully throughout the film. Certain qualities about the characters differ from their comic book counterparts; but the reasoning behind these changes is logical (as far as super-powered human beings go) and adds to the film.
My favorite performance is J. K. Simmons portrayel of J. Jonah Jameson, the editor of the Daily Bugle newspaper. His "over-the-top" characterization comes straight from the comic book pages (nice job on the hair, too!).
For you comic book readers out there, noticably missing is anything having to do with the
character Gwen Stacy; but then in 41 years of story it's hard to boil everything down to two hours. Also, how many of you caught the reference to a Spider-man archvillian named the Lizard and the cameo appearance by creator Stan Lee (this one was a lot easier to spot than his cameo in X-Men).
Overall, thumbs up! Fast-paced, never dragging. Two questions: 1) After his first public appearance, where did he get the cool costume? 2) When he was in the burning building, why didn't the "spider-sense" go off?
Looking forward to the impending sequel, hope to see some more of the rogue's gallery; maybe Kraven the Hunter, the Rhino or the Hobgoblin.
John Iwanski
Tobey Maguire was terrific as Peter Parker. The early scenes where he's testing/enjoying his new-found powers are extremely entertaining (I won't even mention the whole "puberty-new powers" metaphor angle). The scenes with J. Jonah Jameson were a hoot. Frankly, they should have just colored Willem Dafoe's face with a green magic marker and stuck a purple stocking cap on his head- he looks like the damn Green Goblin! There was no need for some high-tech exo-skeleton thing. And, of course, Kirsten Dunst had erect nipples in the by now infamous upside down kiss in the rain scene.
The scenes of Spidey web-slinging through the city were at times exhilarating. But some of the CG effects looked a little too CG almost like the world's most expensive video game. However, as a longtime Spider-Man fan, I enjoyed seeing scenes that looked as if they were recreations of the work of Steve Ditko and John Romita (two of the illustrators who worked on Spider-Man during the 60s and 70s). Sharp eared listeners will catch references to Dr. Curt Connors and Eddie Brock, The Lizard and Venom (2 Spidey villains), respectively.
All in all, an enjoyable 2 hours of escapist fare- and a lot more fun than "Attack of the Clones"!
This got me thinking, you just know that these two have sex in their clown costumes every now and then. You just know it.
Ruth we mourn your passing.
Then & Now
Last issue I threw down the gaunlet for anybody to send me their High School picture. My cousin Monica was the only one brave enough to accept the challenge.
Check out the cool 80's 'do.
And I quote...
Science!
Kal's Pals Trivia
ME, Kevin.
I admit it, I'm a freak.
Who the Hell are You!?
Name:
Birthday:
Birthplace:
Occupation:
Current Home:
Working On:
Worst Job Experience:
The Last Good Movie I Saw:
The Book I've Been Reading:
Favorite Pig Out Food:
Nickname:
Favorite Performer:
Prized Possession:
People always think I'm:
I'd give anything to meet:
Favorite Annual Event:
A really great evening to me is:
My Fantasy Is:
The One Thing I Can't Stand is:
If I Could Change One Thing About Myself:
I'm Really Good At:
My Most Irrational Act:
If I've Learned One Thing In Life It's:
Major accomplishment:
Hobbies:
Three words that best describe me:
Kevin Connection
Favorite Aunt Mary Moment
How could you not grow up loving a woman like that?
And in closing...
How does a guy who has lived his life as the ultimate party boy get awarded what is arguably the biggest branding of the establishment...to be dubbed "Sir Mick"? If this isn't the death knell of rock and roll I don't know what is. God save the Queen. Rock is dead, long live rock.
"Me think of girl constantly
Oh the ship I dream she there
I smell the rose in her hair".
"Me fucked that girl all kinds of ways,
I put my boner in her hair".
Louie Louie, me gotta go
Me catch the ship for across the sea
Me sail the ship all alone
Me never think me make it home
Louie Louie, me gotta go
Me think of girl constantly
Oh the ship I dream she there
I smell the rose in her hair
Louie Louie, me gotta go
It won't be long, me see my love
I take her in my arms and then
Me tell her I never leave again
Louie Louie, me gotta go.
"Who's Left?"
(Thanks to "Depends").
I know, It's only rock and roll. Continued.
Has a daughter named Lisa Marie.
Kevin...
Has a sister named Linda Marie.
Died on the toilet.
Kevin...
Who-boy! Been there!
Was known as "the King".
Kevin...
Knows some queens.
Got drugs from his friend Dr. Nick.
Kevin...
Gets drugs from his friend Dr. Jeff.
Once made a movie "Kissing Cousins".
Kevin...
Once made out with his cousin.
Nickname...Elvis the pelvis.
Kevin...
Nickname...Erv the perv.
Gained weight like a pig in his later years.
Kevin...
He who is without sin may cast the first pork chop.
On a personal note
I remember being a senior in High School and getting into a heated argument with a guy over which was the cooler band; the Rolling Stones or the Beach Boys. As much as I argued (and I'm sure my argument was stellar) I could not convince him that he was wrong; that there was no way you could tell me that the Beach Boys were not cooler than The Rolling Stones.
Handsome fellow that he was.
James "Lance" Bass of the boy band n'sync wanted to fly into space and visit the International Space Station. Alas, the 23-year-old "singer" could not raise the funds and will not take off in November. This is a disgrace. I think we need to help Lance. I want each and everyone of you to please dig deep into your pockets. Give whatever you can and lets send Lance into space. Quickly. And one way.
One day before they married, Sir Paul McCartney and his lovely and much younger fiancee (they have since married) Heather Mills were lounging about his estate. She was reading while Paul sat idlily tickling the ivories of his piano. Taking notice of the song Paul was playing, Heather remarked "That's a nice little tune, what do you call it?" "Yesterday" replied Paul.
Recently Michael Jackson was leading protesters against Sony Music saying that they did not promote his new album because he's black. Excuse me? Black? Michael Jackson hasn't been black since 1987. It says right here in my "Handbook of Descent Human Behavior", page 1357, "Any person changing his/her facial features in such a way as to alter their appearance into that of another racial group and/or bleaching or dying their skin to resemble that of another racial group forfiets any claim they might have on their original racial group". It also says "That if said person is also a freakish pedophile, jag-monkey then they have no rights what-so-ever, and should be locked in a room with big guys with sticks until such time as said jag-monkey receives a major ass-bashing". Really. It says it. Right here in black and white. Ok, I made up that whole locked in a room with big guys & sticks part, but you know that if this was something you could vote on, you'd vote for it. Don't lie. You're as sick of Michael as I am. Admit it. You'd love to see him get his ass-kicked. All in favor...say aye.
Elvis Presley the "King of Rock & Roll" and Babe Ruth the "Sultan of Swat", both died on August 16th. If I were Michael Flattley, I'd spend the 16th locked in my bedroom. In the dark. Under the covers.
I recently volunteered at the Irish American Heritage Center in Chicago to check I.D.'s at the front door during the Irish American Fest. The people who turned 21 this year were born in 1981...the year I turned 21. In other words; the kids who were born when I was 21 are now 21 themselves. Life sucks.
The world's oldest living human is Kamoto Hongo of Japan. Kamotosan was born on September 16th, 1887 and is 114 years old. Oh wait. I have just received word that the oldest living human being is now Vladimir Androjvich of the Ukraine. Mr. Androjvich was born November 2nd, 1887 and is 114 years old.
Mick Jagger 59
Keith Richards 59
Ron Wood 56
unless I take, some Viagra".
Ian Stewart played the piano for the Stones from their inseption until his death in 1985. Considered an orignal member of the band, he was "demoted" by the Stones manager because he didn't have the right look. Though he was credited on albums and played live with the band at all their concerts, he was never
photographed or listed in any band personnel information.
In a 1971 interview with Rolling Stone Magazine, Keith Richards said that the
infamous tongue and lips logo was inspired
by the Indian Goddess Kali. The legend goes that Kali became so frenzied in one of her battles against evil that she began destroying everything in her sight. To stop her madness, Lord Shiva threw himself under her feet. Astonished by this vision, Kali stuck out her tongue in shock, and stopped her berserker rage.
For years it's been said that Keith Richards
had not one but two total blood transfusions
to cure himself of herione addiction.
"BUUUUZZZZZ!" Wrong! Come on, you know better then that. It makes for good urban myth, but for bad science. It just can't be done. Sorry. As everybody knows the only proven cure for heroine addiction is to under go a series of sheep placenta injections.
For those of us baby-boomers who grew up during the silver age of comics (the 60's and 70's), Spider-man was the first to portray a larger than life hero with everyday problems. Sam Raimi's live action version holds true to the character I read about when I was growing up. Updated for the millenium, the original feel of the story shines through.
At last a comic book based movie made by people actually acquainted with the comic book!
Be aware this is not the "definitive" Spider-Man story; much has been changed. The
legendary spider is now genetically altered not radioactive. Mary Jane takes the place
of Gwen Stacy; most particularly when she is thrown from a bridge by the Green Goblin. Peter Parker's webs issue from "glands" on his wrist, not from the web shooters of his own design...but so what? Let the purists quibble over these minor details. After all these years it was a treat just to see Spidey on the big screen!
Filler Part 3
Ruth Fertel the founder of Ruth's Chris Steak house has passed away. Ruth's, known for it's butter lathered steaks, is a temple to me and some of my guy friends.
Junk Drawer
Contrary to popular belief Mama Cass Eliot did not die from choking on a ham
sandwich. This is an urban legend started by the fact that a sandwich was found on her bedstand at the time of her death. The
type of sandwich was never identified, but "became" a ham sandwich once the rumor started circulating. Mama Cass died of a heart attack and no food was found in her system during the autopsy.
(more or less)
Researchers at Nastech Pharmaceuticals got sick of waiting the half
hour it takes Viagra to enter your bloodstream, so they invented a quicker
way to give you a stiffy...a nasal spray. The spray stimulates your brain's dopamine receptors, which control arousal. Signals go from your brain,
to your spinal column, to your weiner. The only side effect is that when you blow your nose you get a hanky full of ejaculate. 
Which Kal's Pal has never eaten a peanut butter & jelly sandwich?
Marie (Mary) Virginia M.
August 27, 1926.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Retired grocery store owner.
Mequon, Wisconsin.
Being healthy.
Working at a pasta factory.
"My Big Fat Greek Wedding"..
With eldest daughter Marie. Circa 1956
at a Big Fat Italian Wedding.
"The Loretta Young Story".
Mexican.
Dago kids. Mary, Nina & Frank.
My brother Frank used to call me "Fatty".
Cary Grant.
My gold cross from my Grandma Alioto, 1917.
My sister Rosie.
Mary & Rosie.
Errol Flynn.
Christmas Eve.
When my friend Mariana was alive and we would spend nights playing cards.
The Mandela Family
Winning the lottery.
The "F" word.
I'd be a size 10.
Cooking.
With her "baby" Tony.
Getting married.
You can't control what your children do.
Having three wonderful children.
Playing cards, baking and visiting people I like.
Friendly, fun loving and loud. 
At granddaughter Kelly's wedding.
Mary is my mother's oldest sister. She is also the oldest person to receive Kal's pals, which ties into this issues theme. Though considering that the "One thing she can't stand" is the "F" word, it's a wonder she keeps reading it.
When I was a wee lad of 5 or so living in Milwaukee, my Aunt Mary owned a grocery store about 8 blocks away from me. Every once in a awhile I would pack a backpack and go on an "adventure" around the neighborhood. At some point I would end up at my Aunt Mary's store, where she would let me have any candy that I wanted.
Back in June, Her Majesty, the Queen of England bestowed Knighthood on the original bad boy of rock and roll, Mick Jagger.