I don't understand Nascar Racing. I don't see the attraction in watching a bunch of hillbillies drive around in circles at 200 miles per hour, while their toothless cousins sit in the stands getting drunk, starting fights and flashing their boobs. O.k., the getting drunk and boob flashing I get, but the rest? I don't see how keeping a steering wheel turned to the left makes you an athlete. Kids in Drivers Ed. do it every day.
What really cracks me up though is how shocked these bumpkins get when one of their "heroes" crashes and dies.
This is a surprise to them? What the hell did they expect? Come on! O.k., I know the collective intelligence of these banjo-playing pig-lovers is next to zip, but even these fugitives from "Deliverance" have got to realize that sooner or later someone is going to go boom and die.
And they do realize it; because lets face it, that's the main reason these grit-eating mouth-breathers go to the races in the first place. To see a crash. That's the excitement for them isn't it? Because why else would you go to a race? To watch cars go round & round in circles? Woohoo, that's exciting. They're like ancient Romans at the Colosseum, they want bloodshed. But then when they get it, it's the end of their world. What a bunch of hypocrites. They cheer for the crash, then when some guy dies, they run out and buy the commemorative plate and black velvet painting to hang on the walls of their double-wide, as if they're holy relics of some kind. "Look ma, I think the Dale Earnhardt plate is weeping again". As if this race car driver is something more than a grease monkey with too much testosterone.
All for some jerk driving too fast for his own good. I see these segments on sports shows all the time asking how to make Nascar safer. Here's a tip for you clowns...YOU CAN'T!!! Driving at 200 mph will always be dangerous. And if you ever do make it safer, that's when your redneck fans will pack up their buckets of chicken and go home and sleep with their cousins.
Of course, I could be wrong.
Important Stuff About
Friends & Lovers
You know, it's weird...I was born in Milwaukee, Jules and I met in Milwaukee, and now she's living in Milwaukee. You think someone's trying to tell me something? I think the sirens of Milwaukee are trying to lure me back..."Kevvvviiiinnn...
we have beer, sausage and Julie. What more do you need? Come back Kevvviiinnn. Come back."
And not orally.
Like I don't have enough issues in my life.
Kim?
"All the men running around in spandex." is what she liked best. "I almost was lit up over the Japanese men!"
We have to find Kim a man.
Or a good vibrator.
Now here is a rebuttal from Mrs. N. regarding my reference to her & Doug in the last issue of Kal's Pal's.
"You said that we moved to the Burb's and you thought it might be Palatine. Then you proceeded to send us our issue at our new address in Mt. Prospect. Is there a lack of communication in your brain? Does someone else stuff your mailings that knows we are in Mt. Prospect, but you don't? I don't get it. Do you want people to think we live in Palatine so that we can hide out and not be bothered in Mt. Prospect? Anyway... I think you have some explaining to do mister".
Basically Renee, I'm an idiot. I mean, you read this newsletter don't you? My grammar is never correct, what makes you think the details in my stories are? Palatine, Mount Prospect...what's the difference? You're all a bunch of cake eatin' suburbanites anyway. Now quit your bitchin' and go play a game of Bridge or something.
Ah, no.
And for you numbskulls out there who really thought Julie got a job as a check out girl...she is a buyer in the corporate offices. She buys boys wear, so everyone out there with a little boy, go buy some clothes at Kohl's. I mean it. Go now. And if you don't have a small boy, join NAMBL and get one.
Cheri.
Who really hates this picture.
Recently my friend Colleen O. went to Rome and was given an audience with his Holiness. At one point during her visit, the Pontiff sneezed; of course Colleen said "Bless you"; which both she and the Pope thought was very funny; ironic almost. Anywho, the Pope and Colleen hit it off from that point on. John Paul decided that he liked Colleen so much that instead of a mere 15 minute visitation, he would spend the whole day with her.
And what a day it was.
Here are The Top 10 Things Colleen did with the Pope.
10. Shot at pigeons in St. Peter's Square with a BB gun.
And the number one thing Colleen did with the Pope was...
10. Free wine on Sundays.
And the number one reason I like being a Catholic...
Cicely Tyson...
MTV has announced that they will soon start producing
Baseball Season 2001
Here are my baseball stats from last year. I have been in training during the off season, and it is my hope to top these stats in 2002.
24 baseball games (21 with the Cubs) God willing.
Charles Atlas' real name Now drop and give me 20! Pussy!
Well I guess, that explains why I'm able to walk away from all these car accidents I get into with barely a scratch. With all the booze in my system, my bones must be like titanium.
Cathy Weisman
Birthday:
Birthplace:
Occupation:
Current Home:
Working On:
Worst Job Experience:
The Last Good Movie I Saw:
The Book I've Been Reading:
Favorite Pig Out Food:
Nickname:
Favorite Performer:
Prized Possession:
People always think I'm:
I'd give anything to meet:
Favorite Annual Event:
A really great evening to me is:
My Fantasy Is:
The One Thing I Can't Stand is:
If I Could Change One Thing About Myself:
I'm Really Good At:
My Most Irrational Act:
If I've Learned One Thing In Life It's:
Major accomplishment:
Hobbies:
Three words that best describe me:
Kevin Connection
Whenever Mark would bring Elise around, she would get cold and end up borrowing my shirt to keep warm. I always thought she was doing this to flirt. It turns out that I was the only guy with sleeves long enough to keep her warm. D'oh!
Favorite Elise Moment
It's not really a "funny moment" story, and you'll probably say "so what?", but Elise has a twin brother. And though Elise is tall* she is not a "big" girl by any means. Long and lean is our Elise. Anyway, what cracks me up about this is the fact that Elise' brother Walter is a monster. Look at him here in this picture. He's a beast! Would you ever think these two are twins?
Like I said, you might not find it amusing but, it cracks me up. Then again I'm a weirdo.
* I know Elise is bothered by her height, but I, and everyone else who knows her, thinks she looks great. So stop your fretting Elise.
Kiss, kiss.
Next thing you know they'll be saying that Mr Spacely and Elroy were lovers.
9. Had fake Communion with Tostidos & Margaritas.
8. Saved some Pagan babies.
7. Made prank calls to the Dalai Lama.
6. Went to Armani to try on the new spring line of Vestments.
5. Watched "The Exorcist" on DVD.
4. Baked cookies for Vatican City bake sale.
(The Sisteen Chapel needs a new roof.)
3. Sold "The Shroud of Turin" on E-bay.
2. Played "the Inquisitioneer and the naughty heretic".
1. Spent 8 hours praying for Kevin's soul.
Top Ten reasons I like being a Catholic
9. It beats being Amish.
8. You don't have to live in a compound to join.
7. Nuns who spank.
6. Saint Patrick's Day.
5. No restrictions on pork products.
4. Dancing naked under the full moon.
Oops, sorry that's what I like about being a Pagan.
3. Short, Plaid, High School uniforms.
2. Condoms are forbidden.
1. All that hush money I got for being a "special altar boy".
Hiaku Corner
Here's a little Hiaku I whipped up,
I hope you like it.
She's such a peaceful woman.
Could she please help Mike?
How come they don't name desserts after
famous people anymore?
You know,
like a Napoleon or a Bismarck? I'm sure there's
tons of people out there who would just love
to eat a big juicy "Bush".
You can catch more flies with sugar than
with vinegar. But if you really want to
catch some flies; take a big crap in your pants.
Do the deaf have a sign for "quiet"?
All Gay T.V.
an all
gay cable channel. Here are some show ideas from
the staff
of "Kal's pals".
It's baseball season. And as usual, I can't wait to get out there and "Root, root, root for the Cubbies", so that they can break my heart yet another year. But hey! Just because the Cubs haven't been in a World Series since 1945 doesn't mean I can't have some fun at the old ball park. After all, Wrigley Field is know as "the World's Largest Beer Garden", and Lord knows I do my part to keep it that way.
90.5 beers
27 hot dogs
16 bags of peanuts
2 Paydays
and 1 soft pretzel
I think that if my rotator cuff holds up, I can get that beer count up to 100 or 101.
Junk Drawer
was
Angelo Siciliano.
And I quote...
(more or less)
Science!
Researchers at Creighton University in Nebraska found that moderate consumption of alcohol leads to stronger bones when you're older.
Kal's Pals Trivia
Which Kal's pal has never seen the
original "How the Grinch Stole Christmas"?
Who the Hell are You!?
Name:
Elise G..
September 27, 1967.
Chicago, Illinois.
CPA currently on "Stay at home mom" Status.
Wrigleyville.
My patience level-it needs serious improvement!
An auditor at a CPA firm. I was always
considered the enemy and treated terribly by clients.
"Ocean's 11". Because I love Vegas and a good heist movie.
"Secrets of the Baby whisperer for Toddlers" by Tracy Hogg.
Frozen Snickers bars and Oreo Double Stuffs and Chips & Dip and cheese fries and...
When I was younger my dad called me "Sweet Apple" now Mark calls me "Rotten Apple".
Bruce Springsteen.
Mine and my Grandmother's wedding rings.
In a hurry because I'm a constant clock watcher. This comes from years of working crappy desk jobs .
Bruce Springsteen.
Christmas Eve with my family.
Have a nice dinner with my
husband and then meet our friends at the Brew N' View or Village Tap.
Sitting at a Blackjack table with Michael Jordan, Brad Pitt and Michael Madsen, winning thousands of dollars.
When people ask me how tall I am.
I'd be shorter.
Thinking of excuses not to exercise.
Climbing across the "Tube" tracks in London at 3 a.m. because we were on the wrong side.
It's a constant cycle of ups
and downs.
Snagging my husband Mark.
Crossword puzzles, reading mystery novels, and playing with my dog Mojo.
Compassionate, reserved, and hopeful.
I met Elise thru her husband Mark who used to bring her around to different parties. This was before he screwed up the courage to tell her that he loved her. Well he finally told her, and as you can see, that all worked out fine and dandy.
And in closing...
Rosie is a lesbian!? You're shitting me! That goofy robot maid from "The Jetsons"? Who would have thought? No wonder she was always so hostile towards George.