Breeders

Hey, what's amatter for you?!

Italian Americans across the country have been protesting the hit HBO show "The Soprano's". They say it portrays Italian Americans in a bad light, and perpetuates a stereotypical view of a hard working, honest, people. "The show, she is offensive to alla the harda, workin, honest peoples". said a protest spokesman.

Next on their agenda the group plans to boycott "Burger King", forcing the burger chain to change the name of their premier hamburger, the "Whopper". "Sure, sure, we aknow that "wop" and "whopper" are a two aseparate things, but theya make us feela bad. The hamburger name, she is offensive to alla the harda workin, honest peoples".

Joining Italian Americans in this fight are the Irish Americans, who will not rest until "Patty Melts" are dropped from restaurant menus everywhere. Says a spokesperson: "Sure'n begorra! Jesus, Joseph, and Mary. It brings a tear to me eye, and to me poor ol' mother's eye, everytime I hear the word "pattymelt". When I pointed out to this person that the word is "patty" as in "a patty of meat" and not "Paddy" as in a derogatory name aimed at the Irish, it didn't phase him. "It's close enough", he says. "But what about the "Paddywagon?" I asked, it's named for all of the so-called drunken Irish that the police would have to throw into it. It became a wagon full of Paddy's". "Oh that's o.k". he says "Something like that just adds to the charm & mystique o' the Irish". In a related story, Latino Congressman, Luis Gutierez is leading a protest against Proctor and Gamble...the makers of "Spic & Span".

Stupid Jokes from Kevin

Are Christian Scientists trying to clone Jesus?

Is Bill Gates' mother named Pearly?

I thought of a great name for a store that sells used clothing from India..."Whose Sari now?"

I'm Just Weird

This is just one of those weird things I think of from time to time...First off, they say that "Silence is golden", ok. Now "Auric", is a word used pertaining to things of gold and the word "aural" is used to describe things pertaining to the ear or hearing right? Very similar words. Aural, auric, golden, silence, hearing...there's something here, I just don't know what. Maybe...being non-aural is auric.

Or maybe, I'm just a freak.

Kal's pals salutes...
The Condom!

Where would we be without the condom? Well, right where we are I guess. Just think. If your parents would have slipped a "raincoat" on that fateful night you were conceived, you wouldn't be here reading this newsletter. Now for some of you this wouldn't have been that big a loss, but some of you I actually like, so I'm glad your folks went bare back that night.

I know that I, like many of my male readers both praise and despise the condom. It's a pain in the...well let's just say it's a pain. It's uncomfortable, it ruins the mood, it ruins your sensations, and then there are those times when you only have like 2 seconds to get it on, get it in, and get to work, before all your dreams go limp.

But, without the condom there are many a nights we all would've just gone home to a lonely bed, a copy of "Swank" and a jar of vaseline.

Condom use has been traced back several thousand years. It is known that the ancient Egyptians used a linen sheath for protection against disease, though it did nothing to prevent conception.

The oldest condoms ever found were in the foundations of Dudley Castle near Birmingham England and dated back to 1640. They were made of fish and animal intestine. What made these condoms an effective method of birth control wasn't the appliance itself, but women refraining from having sex with a guy wearing fish and animal intestines on his weinie. Bad enough having some sweaty, fat Earl, humping you, let alone one wrapped up in fish guts.

Nobody can agree where the name "Condom" comes from. Some people say that King Charles II was supplied animal tissue sheaths from a "Dr. Condom", others say it was a "Dr. Condon" or a "Colonel Cundum". None of this is probably true, the real name more than likely derives from the Latin word condon, which means "receptacle". "Dr. Condom" indeed. Give me a break.

Casanova wore condoms, which is why he probably got lucky so often.

Rubber condoms were first mass produced in 1844 when Charles Goodyear patented the vulcanization of rubber. By 1935 1.5 million condoms were being produced per day in the U.S. 1.5 million per day! That's a whole lot of lovin'.

In the 40's & 50's condoms were washed out, slathered in vaseline and kept in little wooden boxes in the bedroom drawer until their next use. EEEWWWW!

Condoms have come a long way...today they come in many sizes and colors, they glow in the dark, they can stretch around a man's head without breaking (trust me on this one), they come pre-lubricated, "ribbed for her pleasure", they come flavored, extra thin or extra large. You have hundreds of variations to choose from. Any one of them being much better then trying to bed a woman by wearing fish intestines on your weenie.

Must See T.V.?

The new fall TV schedule is up and running and seeing all the crap that the networks pump out I thought I'd come up with my own shows, based on the goofy lives of my friends and family. You can't tell me that anyone of these is any worse than say, "Emeril" or "Bob Patterson".

The Alioto's
Being the head of Milwaukee's biggest mob family is not easy, ask Charles Alioto. It's bad enough he has to deal with the members of his mob family, let alone his blood family too. His crazy sisters, his elderly mother, his wife...keeping them all happy is enough to drive any man over the edge, especially when all he really wants to do his make home made wine down in his basement. Two worlds pulling one man in two different directions; which way will he go? Who cares. Pass the Chianti. Co-starring Joe Machi as Big Pussy.

The King of Queens
Starring Dr. Jeff Lisowski. You figure out the rest.

Touched by an A-hole
Ever have one of those days when you could use a little help from above? When you pray to God that he send you an Angel to lend you a hand? Well sometimes you don't deserve it! And that's where Kevin Ervin comes in. Whenever God gets a little miffed at someone, he sends Kevin into their life; causing them nothing but pain, suffering and confusion. And he NEVER leaves. After awhile these people all ask themselves, "God! What did I ever do, that I'm stuck with this a-hole"? The Lord works in mysterious ways, don't piss him off.

Ferris-Gardner's Day Off
This made for T.V. movie follows the wacky exploits of Laurie Ferris-Gardner as she plays hooky from work one day, leaves the baby with her husband Eddie, and along with her kooky side-kicks, Cathy Weisman & Meg Buchanan has one hell of a Chicago adventure. Hilarity ensues as Laurie spends her day going from one goofy situation to another (fighting with a guest on The Jerry Springer Show, running onto Wrigley Field to kiss Joe Girardi, and jumping on a float to sing "In the Ghetto" at the Bud Bilican Parade) all the while evading her suspicious boss. Co-starring Matthew Broderick as Eddie Gardner.

My Three Sons
Ron & Patty Salmon have three sons; Mike, Mark & Kelly; who now have son's of their own. Raising a family in the new century has it's problems. Multiple piercings, green hair, tattoos...and that's just Patty. Fred MacMurray never had these kinds of problems. Welcome to 2002.

Green's Acres
Life in the big city has finally gotten to Mark Green. So he's selling everything and moving his family to Ames, Iowa to live the simple life of an Amish farmer. But, his wife Elise isn't so hot on the plan. Churning butter is not her idea of fun. She hates Mark's new Amish beard, and the way these Amish keep calling Zachery, Zacheriah. You think it's a simple life? You try raising a barn!

Party 'Til Five
Party, party, party. That's the battle cry of Lori Crane who can't get enough of Chicago's night life. Single guys and single malt are her passion. Tune in every week as Lori goes out drinking til dawn, comes home, passes out and wakes up later, covered in bruises. Oh to be young and a quick healer.

Nick at Night
"The Hugh Hefner of his generation"; that's how Nick Coclanis has been described. Suave, debonair, witty.. Nick (along with his sidekick Gary Burgardt) conducts interviews with celebrities, sports figures and super models every night from his swinging penthouse bachelor pad, high atop downtown Chicago. Join the fun, and don't forget your p.j's, because every night's a pajama party at Nick's.

The Anita Birsa, Cheri Brichetto, Meg Buchanan, Karen Crane, Lori Crane, Kimm Donnelly, Karen Frenkle, Tricia Heinlen, Georgia Kalligeros, Kathy Kelleher, Dorian Keller, Pam Marshall, Patty Nedved, Kim Nishimoto, Colleen O'Connor, Annie Owen, Helene Paulson, Pam Paulson, Ann Pulkkila, Mary Schwartz, Mary Skawski, Jane Tindall, show.
Follow the weekly exploits of these thirty something, single gals as they deal with love, careers, family and all the troubles of being a thirty something, single gal dealing with love, careers and family. Co-starring Kevin Ervin as the man they all have loved, but could never have.

U.S. Marshall
When criminals escape it's up to Pam Marshall to bring them back. Five feet nothing of red headed, Irish, fury, Pam is not a woman to be messed with. Hunting down men across the country, hot on their sweaty, musky scent, having to fight and wrestle them down, slapping the cuffs on them, treating them rough,...it's a hard job, but Pam loves it.. Pam Marshall always gets her man.

Junk Drawer

The height of the 984-foot-tall Eiffel Tower can vary by as much as 6 inches per day depending on the temperature.

It's called "shrinkage" ladies.

And I quote...
(more or less)

Science!

The Human Genome Project reveals more strange stuff about us humans everyday. For instance, we have half of the same genes as a banana.

Which would explain my curvature to the left.

Kal's Pals Trivia

Which Kal's pal once met Steve Winwood while she worked as a bar wench?
P.S. he was a jerk.

Monica Ricketts-Moll

Who the Hell are You!?

Name:
Bernie L.

Birthday:
September 11, 1968.

Birthplace:
Chicago, Illinois.

Occupation:
Chief Operating Officer of The Monogram Group, a small Chicago advertising/marketing agency.

Current Home:
House in Norwood Park (NW side of Chicago).

Working On:
Spending a ton of money re-doing our basement (Sorry, Kevin! We'll save you some paneling.)

Worst Job Experience:
When Kevin and I worked together, our boss would yell at the staff if we did not rinse off the Coke cans before we unpacked them and put them in the refrigerator. He was a freak.

The Last Good Movie I Saw:
Traffic.

The Book I've Been Reading:
I never read as much as I'd like. I'm working on a book about the history of blues guitar and also The Brethren by John Grisham.

Favorite Pig Out Food:
Pizza. No question.

Nickname:
Bernie. Nerd boy. Kevin used to refer to me as "Bone boy"--I'm not sure how I feel about telling you all that.

Favorite Performer:
Robin Williams; Sting has always been one of my favorite musicians.

Prized Possession:
He is not really a possession, but my son Graham definitely qualifies.

People always think I'm:
Younger than my younger brother. Go figure.

Bern & Ger

I'd give anything to meet:
My grandfathers. They both died before I was born.

Favorite Annual Event:
I'm actually really entertained watching my drunk-ass neighbors tackle each other playing musical chairs at the annual dysfunctional family block party. Nothing says fun like a block party, a keg of Old Style and a pallet of fireworks. (Yikes.)

A really great evening to me is:
1) Getting home to see my son. 2) Going out to dinner with my wife, Robin. 3) Live music. Hmmm...I guess I should start going to Ravinia or something.

My Fantasy Is:
(...don't ask me that. Robin reads this newsletter.)

The One Thing I Can't Stand is:
Cab drivers who honk their damn horns non-stop. Blow it out your ass already.

If I Could Change One Thing About Myself:
I'd be taller and have a huge NBA contract. (one thing?) OK, just the contract would be fine.

I'm Really Good At:
Remembering numbers. Phone numbers, addresses birthdays.

My Most Irrational Act:
I am much too rational for this category. Getting a dog was a fairly irrational idea. What were we thinking?

If I've Learned One Thing In Life It's:
"You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar." It's so much easier to get what you want by being nice to people.

Major accomplishment:
Staying at the same company for almost nine years without killing anyone. Getting an MBA while working full-time for the aforementioned company.

I haven't got a clue what
this picture is about.
Get it?
Haven't got a "CLUE".
Sherlock Holmes?
Clue?
Oh forget it.

Hobbies:
Sports and playing guitar (time permitting).

Three words that best describe me:
Arian poster child.

Kevin Connection
Bernie was my intern when I worked in the art world and he was a college student at DePaul. Though Bern was my intern, no unlawful or immoral activity ever took place between us.

Since his intern days, Bernie got married, had a son, earned his MBA and has really done something with his life. I on the other hand, spend my life getting drunk at Cub's games and reading comic books.

Favorite Bernie Moment
A long time ago, Bernie and I were in Milwaukee for SummerFest. After our lodging plans fell threw we had to find a place to stay the night. Being quite drunk and in no shape to drive back to Chicago, (it also being 2:00 a.m. and way too late to wake up any of my relatives to ask for shelter) we started cruising Milwaukee looking for beds.

So 30 minutes later we're driving down Wisconsin Avenue looking for a room. Of course neither Bernie or I realized that Wisconsin Avenue was a big hang-out for hookers. I end up stopping at the "Wisconsin Hotel", which is the epi-center of the hooker industry in Milwaukee. I then make Bernie get out and see if they have any rooms. 2 minutes later Bernie comes out and says that we really don't want to stay there...unless we want to rent the room by the hour.

And in closing...

LifeStyles Inc, makers of fine condoms for the world, wanted to finally get to the meat of the matter as to the true average size of the erect male penis. Realizing that past surveys were conducted by phone or by mail, and that participants probably exaggerated a little about their penial size, LifeStyles decided to conduct their survey in person.

During "Spring Break" of this year, LifeStyles set up a tent in Cancun, Mexico, gave 400 men a girlie mag, and a few moments to themselves. They then sent two nurses (with a Doctor supervising) into the tent to measure the boy's wing-wangs. And what did they found? They found that the average length of an adult, erect, male penis was...are you ready ladies?...5.8 inches. Erect! Erect for cripes sake! Yikes! No wonder you gals are always so cranky. Have the Irish taken over the world?

The old average was 6.5 inches. So it seems that guys from previous surveys were lying after all.

Big shock there.

Thank God for my Italian ancestry.