Who the hell named our planet?
Earth.
What kind of a name is that?
It means dirty ball of mud for crying out loud. Look at all the other
planets in our solar system. They all have really cool names,
names of the ancient gods. There's Jupiter...the king of the gods!
Mars...the god of war! Venus...the god of love! Moon...the god of
drums? These are names that conjure up majestic images-images
of beauty, romance, and power. What does "earth" conjure up?
Images of dirt.
Somebody really mucked this one up.
To top it off, the planet isn't even made up of all that much
"earth". The place is mostly water; two thirds water to be exact.
The damn planet should be named Neptune, but of course that's
already taken; taken by a planet that's as dry as a bone.
I say we rename the damn place. Name it something snazzy.
Name it after someone fun and exciting, a real party animal...I say
we rename the planet Bacchus!
No, you jackass, not after Jim Backus from Gilligan's Island.
BACCHUS! The Roman god of wine and partying.
I think our crappy name is why we never get visitors from other
planets. I mean, if you were an alien, where would you rather go?
The planet named after a big ball of dirt or the planet named after
the god of parties?
Mark my words, change the planet's name and watch the tourist
trade really take off.
But then again, I could be wrong.
I went to the Northwestern/Illinois game the other week with a bunch of my friends. Two of these friends, Pam & Annie, went into a stall in the ladies room to mix up some whiskey and cokes. While
doing this, "Lucy and Ethel" got themselves stuck in the stall for 20 minutes. They finally got out, but you know something like this could only happen to those two knuckleheads.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
My good friends, Tom & Mary, were cleaning out their kitchen the other day. Mary told Tom to put some bananas that were on the counter into the fridge before they went bad. Tom said "Oh yeah! Then we can make banana shakes!" Mary told Tom that, when Jennifer Aniston married Brad Pitt, she promised to make him banana shakes every day of their lives. Tom said, "Mary, what do you promise to make me every day of my life?" "Miserable", replied Mary.
The baby's room
They also have a new puppy ...
Gumbo is her name and she's a cute-as-hell mixed breed mutt. Just like me.
Laurie is the "who the hell are you?" person this issue-check her out.
Robin & Bernie gave birth to their first baby on Friday, October 6th at 10:55 p.m. Labor was induced, and little Graham Kittleson sprung into the world at 19", 6 pounds, 8oz. All are well.
On a self pity loser note: When I was an art director, Bernie was my intern. Since those days, Bern has gone on to get his MBA, get married, buy a lovely house, and have a baby.
I, on the other hand, am still spending my weekends getting drunk and looking to get laid. I am so glad Bernie never listened to anything I tried to teach him.
Don and Kelly C.
are pregnant...well Don's not pregnant...wait a minute, didn't I already use this joke?
Cheri was watching the U.S. Open on T.V. and who does she see sitting there in the front row? Linda & Kelly O.
This was a very busy (and crowded issue). So busy that I couldn't fit it all on one web-page.
Then click here to see what stupid super powers my pals would want if they could have them.
The end (finally) of the
mob nickname contest. Kevin "Capacola" E.
For you non-Italian types out there, capacola is a spicy Italian sausage-kind of a cross between ham and pepperoni.
Chucky the cannoli
For those of you who care (and I can't imagine who that would be), the
voting went as follows:
Capacola:
The Cleaner, Stain Master, The Cartoon & Fudgy Pants:
Satan's Anus, Tiny & The Clam:
All the votes were counted; it's just that not many people voted.
Thanks for playing.
Now fugetaboutit.
No, really forget about it.
Please.
What did one penis say to the other?
"Why the schlong face?"
Recently the Archdiocese of Chicago appointed
a priest to be the Official Exorcist of Chicago.
Talk about your instant karma.
Unfortunately for Mark David, Mr. Lennon wasn't able to speak on his
behalf at the parole hearing.
Kind of weird how that worked out, huh Mark.
Special delivery
Karl Malone just scored his 31,443rd point to
pass up Wilt Chamberlain as the NBA's second highest all time scorer.
Malone still has 19,995 women to score with to break Chamberlain's
all time scoring record off the court.
Not even the "Mailman" can deliver that much.
Something
Stupid
There's this valet who works at a garage I park at once in awhile, and
his name is Issa Issa.
Now I happen to know that you guys at ISSA are always looking for
new ways to market your organization. Well, to me, this is the perfect
marketing opportunity.
I think you people need to hire Mr. Issa Issa as the mascot for ISSA.
Mascots are really big right now. Everybody has them...corporations,
sports teams, even churches. Isn't that whole Jesus on a cross thing just
some kind of mascot?
Issa could be "Issa Issa the ISSA guy"!
You could even have one of those giant heads made up for him (of
course it would just be a giant version of his own head, but what the
hell).
He could do good things for the ISSA. He could be your goodwill
ambassador, open up your trade show, go to board meetings, or just
walk around your offices cheering on all you ISSA employees. You
know, kind of a morale thing.
I don't know to me it's a good idea, and I think you people should
jump on it.
What do you think?
Q & A with Kal
Dear Wondering,
I have no real friends but you and, even that's questionable.
In reality, you're the only person who gets the newsletter, and lately,
I've been thinking of taking you off the mailing list.
Dear Kal, I love your newsletter, but I was just wondering...how did
you become such a funny guy?
Dear Laughing,
As his dutiful son, I would greet him every night at the door with a
smile, the evening paper, and a beer. Dad would head to the T.V.
room and sit in his favorite chair, with me shadowing him all the way.
After relaxing for a few minutes, dad would turn to me and say, "Well
you little bastard, you think you're so goddamn funny. Make me
laugh." Then he would remove his belt and beat me, all the time
yelling, "Make me laugh boy! Make me laugh!" This would continue
until I was finally able to choke out a joke between my tears and sobs
of pain.
So every night I would have to tell my father a joke to stop his
merciless beatings. I truly had no choice but to become funny. It was
either hone my comedic talents or die.
And that's why I'm such a funny guy.
Junk Drawer
It's kooky! It's wacky! Amaze your friends!
Kal's Pals Trivia
Which Kal's Pal once got into a fist fight on the televised kid's show "Kiddie A-Go-Go"?
Georgia K.
Science! No wonder the goddamn Pandas are almost extinct.
And I quote...
Who the Hell are You!?
Name:
Birthplace:
Occupation:
Current Home:
Working On:
Worst Job Experience:
The Last Good Movie I Saw:
The Book I've Been Reading:
Favorite Pig Out Food:
Nickname:
Favorite Performer:
Prized Possession:
People always think I'm:
I'd give anything to meet:
Favorite Annual Event:
A really great evening to me is:
My Fantasy Is:
The One Thing I Can't Stand is:
If I Could Change One Thing About Myself:
I'm Really Good At:
My Most Irrational Act:
If I've Learned One Thing In Life It's:
Major accomplishment:
Hobbies:
Three words that best describe me:
The Kevin Connection:
Favorite Laurie Moment:
Now Laurie denies saying this, she could be right because Lord knows
I was drunk enough, but I say she turned to me and said "That guy is
finger fucking her! Do you know what that means? Finger Fuck?" To
which I replied, "Yes, I believe I have some experience in the matter".
Like I say, Laurie doesn't recall saying this and gets kind of
embarrassed by the story, but I say go with it anyway. It's a funny
story whether she said it or not, and what does she have to be
embarrassed about anyway? It's not like she was the one at the bar
having fun with her boyfriend's buddy.
I mean, she's a wild chick, but not that wild.
He was shot with a stun gun by a crazed employee of his.
I guess it's a good thing David didn't star on Murder She Wrote.
Important Stuff About
Friends & Lovers
Mike B. just turned 40, and Lori C. just turned 30. Not that they are special to me or
anything...it's just that they don't have many real friends on account of they're both pretty ugly and funny smelling. So I take pity on them and let them hang with me. Happy Birthday you two.
I'd like to thank the fine people at The Rickett's Foundation (otherwise known as my Aunt Maureen & Uncle Jim) for their outstanding contribution to Kal's Pals.
Love birds (Tom & Mary)
Laurie and Eddie are pregnant. Actually, only Laurie is
pregnant, and Eddie's just going along for the ride. Actually, Eddie already went along for the ride, and that's why Laurie's pregnant. They're due in April
This will be their first.
Renee and Kevin C. are expecting their third.
Hey Kev, wear a rubber once in awhile willya.
Click her for the very special Christmas page. I guarantee it will make you laugh and cry.
After much self indulgence on a bit that turned out not to be that funny
(though the nick names submitted were great), the "Give Kevin a Mob
Nick-Name" contest has finally come to an end. The winning entry
submitted by my Uncle Chuck, is...(make your own drum roll sound effect
here) 
Congratulations to Uncle Chuck (who looks like a mob guy himself).
He walks away with a FREE large Frosty from "Wendy's" that I have to
pay for and not scam.
And thanks to everybody else who sent in names. They were all very
good; feel free to call me by them at any time.
3 votes.
2 votes.
1 vote each.
I'm running out of funny stuff to write about.
I sure wish Mary Kay LeTourneau would get
pregnant again.
The Catholic Church...speeding it's way into the 16th Century.
Mark David Chapman, the man who murdered John Lennon, was up
for parole in October. "John Lennon would want me to be freed.", said
Mr. Chapman.
This is for all my friends at ISSA (that's the International Sanitary
Supply Association).
Dear Kal, I love your newsletter, but I was just wondering... how much
of it is true and how much is made up?
Wondering Out Loud.
It's all made up, including the "who the hell are you" person featured
every issue.
Laughing Out Loud.
When I was a small boy, my father would come home from a hard
day of work, tired and weary from slaving and sweating to provide for
his family.
Take a sheet of paper, any size, and you won't be able to fold it in half more than 7 times.
The male Panda can only maintain his erection
for 30 seconds.
(more or less)
Laurie
Laurie G.
Peoria, Illinois.
Business Development Manager (a fancy title for a sales rep) for Braun
Consulting.
In Old Irving Park in Chicago with husband Chef Eddie.
La & Eddie
Negotiating detente between our new puppy, Gumbo, and our old
cranky cat, Bennie.
Losing my job after working my tail off for a year.
The re-release of "This is Spinal Tap", my all time favorite comedy.
"The Ground Beneath Her Feet" by Salman Rushdie.
Cheese in a can on Chicken in a Biscuit.
LaLa (from my dad), Bueller (as in Ferris Bueller's day off).
Little LaLa
The Stones--for obvious sentimental reasons.
Editor's Note: Laurie met her husband Eddie at a Rolling Stone's
concert. Obviously they got "Satisfaction".
My health.
More serious than I am.
Laurie being serious
Believe it or not, Bill Clinton--I'd like to ask him what the hell was he
thinking?
Laurie & Anne at Jazz Fest
I would say Jazzfest, but I haven't been every year. Probably
Thanksgiving, because its a lot more relaxing than Christmas, and the
food is better.
Having a relaxing dinner and wine with a small group of good
friends.
Eddie and I own our own restaurant or B&B, and I am freed from the
chains of corporate America.
People who drive these huge SUV's that are supposed to be for off
road--and then they go over a speed bump at one mile an hour!
To not worry about the future too much because you really can't
control it.
Bringing people together from different backgrounds.
I let a couple of Mexican guys talk me into doing some on-the-spot
body work on my car in a Petco parking lot. It seemed like a good
idea at the time, especially for the price--$75--and they said they could
do it in twenty minutes. Thirty minutes later, they were blow-torching
a patch of bondo with a MacGyver-esque combo of a bic lighter and a
can of hairspray, causing flames to shoot ten feet in the air while
several stunned people (and their curious pets) looked on. When I was
able to recover from my humiliation and crawl out of my car, I had a
square-foot scorch mark on the back of my car that I had to paint over
myself.
If a couple of Mexican guys try to talk you into doing body work in
the Petco parking lot, run like hell.
Running the Chicago Marathon.
Running, biking, rollerblading, eating my husband's cooking.
Loyal, curious, evolving.
Me, Laurie and Eddie
I met Laurie through our mutual friend Pam M. Laurie is one of
the people I go to Jazz Fest with every year and is one of the coolest
chicks I know.
After SummerFest one year, Laurie, I, and a bunch of our friends went
to this divey little bar in Milwaukee. Standing at the bar was this guy
with his girlfriend, and sitting on a bar stool next to the girl was a guy
the couple was talking to. We think this guy was a friend of the
couple because the girl was wearing a very short skirt, and the guy
sitting next to her had his hand all the way up it. 
And in closing...
David Spade, the star of Just Shoot Me...well, he was shot.