It was recently revealed that the last words spoken by Joe DiMaggio on his death bed were "I'll finally get to see Marilyn". Of course he was referring to his ex-wife and Hollywood goddess Marilyn Monroe. DiMaggio, who married Monroe in 1954 and divorced her 9 months later never stopped loving her. Joe never remarried or was ever romantically linked to another woman and every year at the anniversary of Marilyn's death, he would bring flowers to her grave.
Frank Sinatra fell in love with Ava Gardner, the raven haired
Here we have 2 icons of the 20th century, 2 men who had lives most of us could only dream of. DiMaggio...one of the top 10 baseball players of all time, idol of millions, Sinatra, "the Chairman
We all have our Marilyn's, be you male or female, if you end up with yours, God bless you, if you don't...
God help you.
See ya later
Kevin
movie star of the 50's and 60's. They married in 1951 and divorced in '56. Sinatra pursued Gardner for years after their divorce, trying everything he could to rekindle her love for him, and though he remarried 2 more times his love for Gardner haunted him until his death.
of the Board", a man who women threw themselves at. Powerful, beautiful women. And yet, these two men, men with everything, died longing for the "love" of their life, the one woman who turned these titans into so much jello. If these two guys ended up never getting the women they always wanted, what chance does a bum like me have.
Important Stuff About
Friends & Lovers
The folks at Orchard Productions have moved and are all working out of Steve A.'s house. If you run into Steve or Tom T., please buy them a drink, I think they'll need it.
Linda B. had her annual summer bash. I had a great time, except for the fact that the girl who flirted with me all night and gave me her number, ended up having a boy-friend. See the "Survive This" story in this issue for my latest anti-woman rant.
Kelly W. had her braces taken off. Now her smile is just that more radiant.
Mike and Liane sold their house. It took Mike over a month to move all the crap out of his basement. Liane is definately a nominee for sainthood.
Pete and Joan S. have packed up and moved out of the city. They are now living in Prospect Heights.
I have a gay friend who recently came out to his parents. Understandably this was a huge concern for my friend for many years, not knowing how this family would take the news. Well of course they were fine with this. Why not? They love him totally, as we all do. Of course that isn't the whole problem; he still has to tell them the worst part. Telling them that he was gay was easy, what's really going to kill them though is the fact that he's a total slut.
Cheri just turned 40!
Oh Baby!
The following note and photo to the left were sent to me by Denise W. Her and her husband Rod just had their first child...
"Hey there Swervin' Ervin, thought you might like to see an (out of date already) photo of my new bebe- Anne Elizabeth was born June, 1st by emergency "c-section". I hate it when they try to choke themselves with the cord. All is well, she eats and sleeps like a Blake and could give you a run for the money in the burping department!"
Hunter Crawford K. was born at 9:47 a.m. on Thursday June 22, 2000. He was a 8 lbs. 9 oz. and 21-1/2 inches long. He is the third child of Beth and Barry and baby brother to Charlie and Chase.
Brenda & Bill B. welcomed their new daughter, Gabrielle into this world on June 27. Congrats.
Zachary Martin Green was born on August 8th to Elsie & Mark. He weighted in at 8 lbs. 13 oz., 21 inches long, with light brown hair. Mother and son are doing well. Names rejected for the Green baby were... As it stands I think Elise & Mark made the right choice with Zachary.
Quothe the raven "You're a freak".
This is how my screwed up brain works...
Somebody help me. Please?
Some really bad jokes I wrote...
What did the capacino say to the helpful espresso?
How did Meg Ryan feel about sex with Russell Crowe?
"And though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I shall fear no evil."
Many people believe that Satan, when he comes
Britney Spears has recorded a version of the greatest rock & roll song of all time, "Satisfaction
The Apocalypse is coming people, you've been warned.
Movies that sound dirty,
10 pick up lines I'd use on
Soooo, in honor of "Special K"...
10 pick up lines I'd use on
Anna Kournikova
10. Can I serve you?
9. Hey, want to lob my balls?
8. I'd love to help you work on our grip.
7. Can I paddle your ass with a tennis racket
while you call me daddy?
6. Want to play the "French Open".
5. Can I be your ball boy.
4. Nice set.
3. The score is me 40, you love.
2. Can I have sex with you?
and the number one pick up line I'd use on
Anna Kournikova is...
I got your Grand Slam right here baby.
The weird habits of weird people
Some of my friends are pretty weird; one of them highlights her favorite shows in T.V. Guide so that she remembers what to watch, one guy only reads the dialog in books (he claims all the other stuff just slows the story down), and one goof spends hour upon hour writing a stupid newsletter that nobody but him seems to find amusing.
Here are some of the other weird things my friends do.
Joanne M.
Denise W.
Mary S.
Karen C.
Gary B.
Bernie L.
Brad L.
Rene C.
Jim H.
Elise G.
Dave H.
Jeff L.
Lori C.
Tom F.
Separated at birth?
Mob Nickname Contest
Here are the mob nicknames that people came upwith for me. E-mail me with your favorite. The winner gets a free Frosty from Wendy's that I have to pay for and not scam (see last issue). Second and third place get a xerox picture of James Gandolfini autographed not by him but by me. Lame prizes for sure, but hey, what the hell did you except?
Dave S.
Mark G.
Elise G.
Matt A.
Beth B.
Jeff S.
Mike T. Dave K.
Dan S.
Brad L.
Monica M.
Marie R.
Chuck A.
O.k. people, vote!
Survive This!
I don't see what was so tough about "Survivor", it's not like they all starved to death or anything; I mean Richard is fatter then me for gosh sake. I thought the scariest part of the game was Susan's tirade against Kelly at the end. But what did you except from a truck driver from Wisconsin. I didn't think it was that big of a deal, I didn't think it was so tough. Someone should pay me a million bucks for just being me. Now that's a rough job and takes a hell of a lot of survial skills. The stuff I go through in just one week would make lesser men crumble.
First off, I'm a salesman; ever try making a "cold call" tough guy? There's nothing like a good door salm in the face to start your day off right. Half of you would fold right there.
Next I work with my family. My family! Most of you only talk to yuor family when you absolutely have to, let alone everyday. And lastly there's my "love" life. For instance here's what happened to me last week. I met a woman at a party:she gives me her number; when I call her up for a date she's all for it, except she says"I should probably tell you, I have a boyfriend". The next day I meet a chick at a bar after the Cubs game, she dances with me, shows me the tattoo on her butt, then when I ask her for her number, she shows me her wedding ring. Another women I've been interested in tells me shes in a relationship now; an old girlfriend (now married) keeps calling me wanting to start an affair; and to top it all off, this girl I've been kind of dating dumped me. All this in a week! You can talk about eating rats and putting up with Richard all you want, but if you want to see a real survivor; hang with me for a week. It's not like I'm whining or anything, but this is a little ridiculous; don't you think?
Junk Drawer
And I quote...
Science!
The average man burns 1 calorie every 3 minutes by just sitting on his couch. At that rate I should be down to 100 pounds by Christmas.
Now leave me alone, the baseball game is on and I'm going to work
out for the next 3 hours.
Kal's Pals Trivia
Tommy T.
Who the Hell are You!?
Birthday:
Birthplace:
Occupation:
Current Home:
Working On:
Worst Job Experience:
The Last Good Movie I Saw:
The Book I've Been Reading:
Favorite Pig Out Food:
Nickname:
Favorite Performer:
Prized Possession:
People always think I'm:
I'd give anything to meet:
Favorite Annual Event:
A really great evening to me is:
My Fantasy Is:
The One Thing I Can't Stand is:
If I Could Change One Thing About Myself:
I'm Really Good At:
My Most Irrational Act:
If I've Learned One Thing In Life It's:
Major accomplishment:
Hobbies:
Three words that best describe me:
Kevin Connection
Favorite Michael Moment
While working at Pabst Brewery, Mike was cleaning out a dirty beer
kettle by hosing it down with hot water and letting it run out the open sewer valve; standard operating procedure. As Mike was hard at work, a not so conscientious co-worker started talking to him and got him all distracted. While this was happening someone else started pumping beer into the clean kettle. During the confusion Mike, thinking fast, removed the water hose but forgot to close the sewer. When all was said and done, about 300 barrels of beer ended up in the sewers of Milwaukee (32 gallons to a barrel). The rats of Milwaukee were drunk for weeks, but when you think about it who really cares, it was only Pabst after all.
Sorry Uncle Ron.
Happy Birthday Cher.
Forrest Green
Wearing of the Green
and 30 yards to the Green.
The other night I woke up at about 2 in the morning with this thought going through my head...
if you take the word "poe" from Edgar Allen Poe, and add it to the "ts" in T.S. Eliott, you get the word "poets". Why I thought of this, why it woke me up in the middle of the night and what it all means, I have no idea.
(as if anybody else would claim them)
Thanks a latte.
She was "Glad he ate her."
So I took this girl to a French restaurant, when she saw I was having trouble with the menu she said "What's wrong? Don't you speak French?"
"Not a lick" I replied.
to earth, won't take on a form of hooves and horns, but that he will instead wear a guise that is very pleasing to the masses.
(I can't get no)." by the Rolling Stone's.
but aren't.
Big
The X-Men
The Black Stallion
The 400 Blows
Howard's End
The Big Red One
Dick
10
Shaft
Deep Impact
Anna Kournikova
Let's face it, tennis is pretty lame and the only thing it has going for it right now is Anna Kournikova. 
If the small plates are put in the top rack of the dishwasher, I have to move them down to the bottom.
Peeling flaky skin off my face with Scotch Tape; yes , it's a beauty secret now available for the entire world.
I use potato chips as a condiment ingredients on my sandwiches...sort of another layer of stuff
Ummm, I don't know. I guess one weird habit is that I sit in the claw-foot bubble bath and handle all of my financial business related and personal affairs on Saturdays (talk on the hone, have a drink, etc.)
I swallow (Skoal!).
I make this clicking noise with my teeth that makes Robin crazy...she hates it. Not very exciting, but it's got "teeth" as they say.
Cracking my big toe while watching t.v.
Has no annoying habits (Kevin C.'s note: this veiw point that she has no annoying habits is her annoying habit).
I eat corn on the cob like a lathe rather than typewriter style. I als eat my meals one food group at a time, starting with what I hate first, to what I like best on my plate.
Applies deodorant for both under arms with her right hand.
I need to keep all my C.D.'s in alphabetical order, by artist, by genre. I usually reorganize every weekend.
Rubbing my fingers along the tips of my ties. Nothing like the feeling of a good, stiff, tie point catching against the grooves of my fingerprint...the majority of my ties are threadbare at the end. I do the same thing with pillow covers.
I guess one of my weird habits (at least Kevin & Karen think so) is organizing the food in the refrigerator. The cheese and lunchmeat go on the middle shelf to the right, the beer goes on the top shelf to the right, the fruit goes in the left crisper, the vegetables go in the right crisper, etc.
Personally, I don't have any weird habits. But let me tell you about a weird habit of my brother. Eric will not eat any food that has nuts inside it. That's right, he would never eat one of Mrs. Field's chocalte chip and walnut cookies, because it has nuts inside of it.
Kevin "The Cartoon"
Kevin "The Blood Stain Remover"
Kevin "The Cleaner"
Kevin "The Big Tuna Eater"
Can you believe Elise thought of this one?
Kevin "Ass-Man"
Kevin "Rub It Out"
Kevin "Whack It Raw"
Kevin "Stain Master"
Kevin "Smack Down"
Kevin "The Sperminator"
Kevin "Harry (Hairy)"
Kevin "Mr. Dark"
Kevin "The Clam"
Kevin "Knuckles"
Kevin "The Kitty"
Kevin "Alzado"
Kevin "Wide Ass"
Kevin "The Load
Kevin "Palms"
Kevin "Cutie"
Kevin "Kotex"
Kevin "The Gimp"
Kevin "Satan's Anus"
Kevin "Creepy"
Kevin "Ham Bone"
Kevin "The Trouser Snake"
Kevin "The Chairman"
Kevin "The Stroke"
As in artist's stroke. Hey it beats being called "Pussy", look where that got him.
Kevin "Jazzman"
Kevin "Mardi Gras"
Kevin "Soprano"
Kevin "Bikini Waxer"
Kevin "Fudgy Pants"
Kevin "Fuzzy Face Suddsy Tank"
Kevin "Capice"
Kevin "Capacola"
or in other words "The Spicy Sausage"
Kevin "The Cannoli"
Contrary to popular belief, the Guillotine was not invented by J.J. Guillotine. John Deo, a Piano maker designed and built the guillotine, which he named after Mr. Guillotine. Mr. G. it seems, was a doctor and an advocate of humane capital punishment, and what more humane way is there to be put to death than to have your head lopped off in front of a cheering crowd.
(more or less)
Which Kal's pal was kicked out of the Altar boys at his church for screwing around too much?
Name:
Mike S.
11/5/49 -- Guy Fawlkes Day (he stuck a keg of dynamite under the British
Parliament. More a favorite of the Irish than the English).
Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Union Representative with SEIU.
I work with janitors.
Pittsburgh, PA. An amazingly attractive city given that when the steel industry was booming the place looked like a scene from Dante's Inferno. Businessmen used to bring a spare white shirt to work so they could change at noon. The one they started the day wearing was so covered with grime and pollution from the mills.
Finding other things to do now that the boys play their sports in other states.
Working for John Cathlina, a thoroughly disgusting human being. He gave Italians like John Gotti a bad name. In fact, made Italians like John Gotti appear to be creatures of the Enlightenment. Or, trying to get to the end of your shift (usually third) in the brewery once you've managed to get so drunk you couldn't find your ass with both hands and a map.
Waking Ned Divine. The last movie I saw in a theater was Kramer Versus Kramer -- ask Jean.
Personal Memoirs of U.S. Grant -- surprisingly easy to read. I always thought that he was simply another reason we shouldn't elect military officers to be President. Fact is, he was a bright and thoughtful guy and above all honorable.
Pitch's ribs in Milwaukee, Holiday Sausage from the Farmer's Market in Pittsburgh or any sandwich from Primanti's in Pittsburgh.
The only one I really remember is that I was Chico for a while. There was a latino baseball player named Chico Salmon (no relation). Tim Salmon, California Angels is a cousin, I believe 2nd cousin to my Dad, 3rd to me?
Depends on what acts you would like performed. Oh wait, here comes Jean.. Frank Sinatra, Tony Bennett, Janis Joplin, Bruce Springsteen, Bare Naked Ladies (also the musical group).
'92 Mustang G.T. I've been an absolute juvenile delinquent about the thing. It is now souped up to about 340 horsepower. It was my mid-life crisis. I told Jean it was either the car or a girlfriend.... Jean was still thinking it over when I bought the car.
Intense.
Walter Reuther and/or Martin Luther King, Jr.
Irishfest, especially since I no longer drink and sometimes remember it.
Goofing around with Jean and the Boys.
Sean and Dan in the Olympics, Matty playing in the World Cup.
The fact that the "New" Democrats are
indistinguishable from the "Old" Republicans
I'd like to be more patient and I actually work at it, but it always ends up like that old cartoon with the two buzzards in a tree and the one says to the other, "Fuck it, I'm gonna kill something."
Swimming, ask Daniel how I swim.
Flying the aircoaster at Kennywood with Sean and Dan. They hoist you up 200 feet in a harness and let you drop, it's a sort of combination swing and bungy jump. But it did resolve for me whether or not I would ever skydive. I absolutely cannot now understand why anyone would jump out of a perfectly good airplane.
If I've learned one thing in life it's: You cannot juggle watermelons when standing on a ceramic tile floor and expect happy results. Fortunately my whole family was with me at the time and everyone learned the lesson first hand.
Along with Jean, managed to raise three Division I college athletes whose outstanding trait is not their athletic prowess, but their character.
Fishing, working on that "goddam car, again"
Honest, loyal and fidgitty.
Mike is my oldest cousin, and is in
fact only 12 years younger then my father. Growing
up my father treated him as a little
brother.
