Here in Chicago we have this really stupid thing we do with our city streets...we name them after famous people. Now I know what you're saying "What's so stupid about that? Naming streets after famous people is a tried and true American tradition". True, and that's why I hate the way we do it in Chicago. Let me explain. In Chicago we have our Washington, our Lincoln and Roosevelt Avenues. We have our Columbus, our Balboa, and Clark streets. We have streets named after just about every president, writer and hero that ever existed, but this isn't what bugs me. What bugs me is this; about 10 years ago the doofi (that's plural for doofus) that run this city started giving out honorary "Ways" to famous and not so famous people. For instance Paulina Avenue is also known as "The honorable Bob Fosse Way", but only for a block, because this is the block where the famous dancer and director was born (there's actually 2 Bob Fosse ways in Chicago but that's another story all together). So what they do is tack another sign with the honorary way name under the real street name. Like I said these honorary ways only go for a block or two and nobody calls them by these names anyway so what's the point? Nobody gives a shit about these things and yet they're popping up everywhere in Chicago.
Now I never really paid much attention to these things myself until the other day when I was driving down Pulaski Avenue and I happened to look at the street sign; sure enough it had an Honorary way sign on it. Pulaski Avenue for 2 blocks near Elston Avenue is now know as "The Honorary Casimir Pulaski Way". So Pulaski has been renamed Pulaski.
You can insert your own polish joke here.
Important Stuff About Friends & Lovers
Last issue I wrote a little article about the 3 Salmon boys and how they spent all their time surfing the "net" for porn and such. Well their grandparents, my Aunt Patty & Uncle Ron were so upset over that article that they have completely cut the boys off from all future funds. They then took all that money and bought stamps for me to use to send out "Kal's pals". Sorry boys, but I warned you about your heathen ways. Thanks Aunt Patty and Uncle Ron.
Well, I have to cross another chick
off of my list...Cathy S. just got engaged. The groom to be is
Jim Weisman, of the Milwaukee Weisman's, and Jim, I know I don't have to tell you what a lucky guy you are...I know Cathy reminds you all the time.
Mike T. bought a black, pre-driven Volvo. I guess he likes his cars like he likes his women: dark, Swedish and slightly used. I also have to take this time to thank Mr. T. for my birthday present this year. Thanks for the homemade "Crack Ho Barbi with real pubic hair" Mike. I wish I could show you a photo, but you'd loose all the detail. Next time you come over I'll show it to you.
Cheri B.
Rielly, that lovable little dog of Tom T. & Mary G. is a T.V. star! Rielly is currently appearing in commercials for 104.3 radio here in town. In the spots, Rielly runs up to Chicago D.J. John "Records" Landecker and licks him in the face while Landecker says something corny. Anyone can see that the true talent here lies with our furry little friend. Rielly hasn't let stardom go to his head, he is still the same old lovable little scamp dog, but he does have a development deal in the works with John Malkovich's
production company. Stayed tuned for details.
Beth B. and Hayes A. got married. I don't know where they went on their honeymoon, but I'm sure it was one of those "swinger" type resorts where they could swap sexual partners, like Hedonism or some such place.
First my Uncle Tom had open heart surgery, then my cousin Sean had surgery on his back and finally my cousin Jo Marie had her gall bladder removed. These baby's don't know a thing about pain. Last week my nose hair trimmer got stuck and I had to yank it out with two or there hairs still attached. Man that smarts. I never want to go through that again. Sissies.
Get well soon.
Last issue under the "Kal's pals
trivia" section I asked the
question..."which kal's pal,
wrote and produced his own
one man play?" But for some
reason the answer didn't print. Well, the answer is Mark G. Sorry about that Mark.
Bernie L. & his lovely wife Robin K. are expecting. This will be their first. Oh my God! Could this kid be any blonder?
Jazz Fest
After a 1 year hiatus I returned to
New Orleans to attend the Jazz and Heritage Fest. Usually so much happens that I need an entire page to
document all the nonsense, but this year was pretty subdued. Not much happened that would be of any interest to people who weren't there. Sorry. I wish I could tell you about women dancing naked on tables, or people drinking so much that they spewed hurricanes for hours on end, but nothing like that happened. The most outstanding thing that I can remember was that some of us met Erin Brockovich, not Julia Roberts, but the real Erin Brockovich. We must be getting old.
I went out for ribs the other night, and when I was finished the waitress asked "Would you like a wet nap?"
I went to the Doctor the other day to get a flu shot. He told me to drop my pants and bend over. I heard him fumbling behind me for a second and then he said "Now you might feel a little prick" I ran out of there so fast.
The Burning Question
I asked a bunch of my friends this burning question...Which character from "The Wizard of Oz" do you think most reflects your personality?
Mary S.
Joanne M.
Kathy K.
Kim N.
Dorian K.
Bernie L.
Kevin C.
Colleen O.
Mike T.
Matt A.
Jeff L.
David T.
Pete S.
Denise W.
Annie O.
Georgia K.
Elise G.
Tom F.
These people didn't feel like giving me in depth answers, but I figure I can't not include them just because they're bashful.
Toto
Scarecrow
Tinman
Lion
Flying monkeys
I scream, you scream....
Ben & Jerry of the ice cream fame
are splitting up; here are a few of
their flavors that never made it to
the big time...
Chocolate chipped beef
We all have to start somewhere.
Well lucky for me I don't have to depend on my criminal mind to get by in life, because so far I've only come up with two schemes; and they're not all that great.
The first one goes like this...
Go to any gas station and pay inside, tell the guy you want "twenty dollars on pump 3" and ask for a receipt, then go out and only pump $15 worth of gas, go back inside and get your extra $5. Now here's the payoff...on your taxes you can right off twenty bucks; but you only spent fifteen. Smooth, huh? Of course this only works if you can right off gas on your taxes to begin with, but if you do this all year, you know you could save probably 3 or maybe even 4 dollars.
O.K. Now here's my even bigger scam. Go to the "Wendy's" drive thru, do this during lunch or dinner when they're really busy. Place your order, pay, and pick it up. Now, park your car and go inside, cut to the front of the line, and tell the cashier that you were just at the drive thru and they forgot to give you your "Frosty". The cashier will be so busy, that he or he will just grab a "Frosty" and give it to you.
I know, as far as criminal endeavors these are pretty pathetic, but hey, even Al Capone had to start somewhere.
Hey! It's a contest!
If I'm going to embark on a life of crime, I'm going to need a mob-style nickname.
Send me your idea's, I'll print them next issue and everybody can vote for their favorite.
The person who sends in the winner will get a free Frosty, which I'll PAY for, so that you won't be arrested as an accessory to the crime.
Now fergetaboutit.
She's baaack.
Vili Fualaau the 16 year old boy who 4 years ago impregnated his then 34 year old teacher has decided that he was indeed a victim when Mary Kay gave him the best sex ed class a 12 year old boy could ask for. Vili is now suing the school district where the mother of his two children once taught. The suit states that the school district failed to protect Vili from the sexual advances of a trusted teacher and a women three times his age. What the hell does this kid want!? He already had the ultimate older woman fantasy, now he wants to get payed for it too?
The "Go straight to hell, do not pass Go" page...
Hey. Do you think when 3 celebrities in a row die Bob Hope breathes a sigh of relief?
The "Go straight to hell, do not pass Go" page...
It's a good thing to crack
someone up.
It's a bad thing to get ahead of yourself.
Going to HO CHUNK Casino is a good thing.
Being hung...bad.
Probing Uranus ia a good thing.
Getting blown off by somebody...bad
Smoking some killer weed is good (though illegal)
The "Go straight to hell, do not pass Go" page...
The Pope:
The Pope:
The Pope:
The Pope:
The Pope:
The Pope:
The Pope:
O.k., maybe this wasn't such a good comparison after all
Junk Drawer
According to the
Guiness beer people, the average beer drinker with a mustache wastes $20 worth of beer a year.
SOMEBODY GET ME A RAZOR!!!!!
And I quote...
Boy, people been saying some goofy things lately and I have a backlog of silly quotes, so in order to clear my books here are a few silly quotes from some otherwise very smart people. I only pick on them because I love them, and God knows I never say anything stupid so I gotta pick on somebody. Of course all quotes are taken out of context, otherwise what would be the fun of that.
Science!
Medical researches have discovered a great way to
treat the neural damage caused by strokes. Irish coffee! While searching for ways to treat stroke damage at the
cellular level, James Grotta at the University of Texas
gave a mixture of caffeine and alcohol to test rats.
When administered in doses of 1 shot hard liquor to
3 cups coffee, neural damage was reduced by 80%.
And here I been wasting all this time drinking
Bloody Mary's.
Kal's Pals Trivia
Lori & Karen C.
Who the Hell are You!?
Name:
Birthday:
Birthplace:
Occupation:
Current Home:
Working On:
Worst Job Experience:
The Last Good Movie I Saw:
The Book I've Been Reading:
Favorite Pig Out Food:
Nickname:
Favorite Performer:
Prized Possession:
People always think I'm:
I'd give anything to meet:
Favorite Annual Event:
A really great evening to me is:
My Fantasy Is:
The One Thing I Can't Stand is:
If I Could Change One Thing About Myself:
I'm Really Good At:
My Most Irrational Act:
If I've Learned One Thing In Life It's:
Major accomplishment:
Hobbies:
Three words that best describe me:
Editors Note:
Kevin Connection
My father
Favorite Dennis Moment My father has a habit of spitting out his car window as he drives, one day when I was a kid the family was driving somewhere when Dennis went to hock up a big one. For some reason he forgot that his window was rolled up, and he turned and spat right on his window. Doh! I almost wet my pants as my dad turned to my mother and said "Rose, do you have any Kleenex?"
Remind me to tell
you about the special Christmas dinner
Dennis made for my sister and me one year, you'll really love that one. (See Back Issue 32)
And in closing...
"It's my life, my career. I'm a 19 year old who wants to explore different things, like different hair colors, and the label just has
to accept that".
Now there's a girl with some goals.
More stupid jokes from Kal
"No thanks" I replied, "I just had one this afternoon".
Who's funnier then me!?
Who, I ask?
Who? 
Of course Glenda the Good Witch... except for the fact that I'm a brunette.
I would say I'm like Dorothy (without the singing) I would do anything to get home from a trip from hell.
I am most like Dorothy....I have traveled all over the world but "there's no place like home". I also have a little "flying monkey" in me...but that is a different story.
The cowardly lion or Toto. Think about it. That stupid dog got her in all that mess. I do that sometimes.
I am the scarecrow...brainless at times.
As for the Wizard of Oz, I'm most like the gatekeeper at the Emerald City--I get about 5-6 calls from annoying salespeople every day and I tell them all to go away (and NOT to come back tomorrow). As for you--I think you're like the Wizard--and I don't think any of us want to know exactly what you are doing behind that curtain, if you know what I mean.
I look more like the Scarecrow but my personality is more like the Tin Man.
My nephews definitely think I am the wicked witch of the West.
The Wizard of Oz character I'm most like is Dorothy, because I just love my new pair of sequined red slippers!
TinMan - I have a big ---- heart!
The scarecrow. He's thin. And when I leave, people miss me the most. Please, no comment about the "if I only had a brain" issue.
Toto - always running off with others looking for me.
Hasn't every husband thought their wife was the witch for a brief moment or two...of course I mean Glenda the good witch of course. Otherwise put me down as one of the lollipop twins, I like their threads.
Scarecrow: dizzy blond hay bale with legs; Tinman- a mere shell of a man; toss-up with Scarecrow for brainpower. Lion - stutters and plays with his own tail quite a bit; another genius. Dorothy- not much to admire but those ruby red shoes. Wizard- well-intentioned but impotent. Munchkin- annoying voice and tough time finding clothes that fit (some similarities)Witch of the West - quintessential witch right down to the green skin (even more similarities). Glinda the Good witch - undeveloped character; oh sure, it's easy to look good when no one knows the real you! Flying Monkeys - Hitler youth prototype, and I don't think they even had the decency to wear pants!!?
I'm most like Dorothy: I'm closer to my dog than I am to most people. I'm often surrounded by a bunch of little people. I have a hard time figuring out how to get home sometimes, I've also woken up to wonder if events I'm remembering were really just a dream, I have an exceptional fantasy life---my own little dream world.
A flying monkey - I'm short, hairy and mean.
Call me "Un-American" but I didn't really like The Wizard of Oz, but if I had to pick, I would say Dorothy.
I am most like the wonderful wizard. PAY NO ATTENTION TO THAT MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN LITTLE GIRL! OZ HAS SPOKEN!
Karen C.
Scott M.
Kelly P.
Dennis E.
Mark G.
Gary B.
Rene C.
Cheri B.
Jim H.
Beth B.
Fat, lazy, hubby
Mouthful of bile
Chunky Spunky
Daryll Strawberry & Cream
Cellu-Lite
Cherry Brichetto
Split Pea & Ham
As most of you know I have become a "Soprano's" fanatic. I don't know what it is about that show but it really brings out the Mafioso in me. Every time I watch an episode I feel my Sicilian blood rising, and before you know it I want to try some kind of scam.
Everybody's favorite child molester and poster girl for dysfunctionality, Mary Kay Letourneau is back in the news.
The "Go straight to hell, do not pass Go" page!!!
"It's Palm Sunday? Every Sunday is "palm" Sunday as far as I'm concerned."
Kevin Ervin 4/16/00
There's still Hope.
Good things...bad things
It's a bad thing to be up
someone's crack.
Hey, wait a minute! That's really a good thing.
It's a good thing to give head to yourself. (If you could you would)
Going to the casino with a chunky 'ho...that's a bad thing.
Being hung well...good
Probing your anus is a bad thing.
Well I guess it all depends on the size of the probe.
Getting blown by somebody...good
Smoking weed killer...bad trip man
Similarities between
Kevin and the Pope
has dedicated his life to the Catholic church
Kevin:
made his communion
is polish
Kevin:
is part polish
lives a life of celibacy
Kevin:
well, lately
knows everything you need to know about the Bible
Kevin:
knows everything you need to know about Batman
has lived a life trying to emulate Jesus
Kevin:
has lived a life trying to emulate Jack Nicholson
is called his Holiness
Kevin:
is called "his Ass-Holiness"
has spent his life helping others
Kevin:
"the Lord helps those who help themselves"
(more or less)
Which Kal's pals went to
the same high school as famous baseball slugger Don Mattingly?
Dennis E.
August 3, 1937.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Salesman.
Chicago.
Mom & Pop
How to rebuild our house in Wisconsin.
Selling t.v.'s at Montgomery Wards.
The Road to El Dorado.
Guadal Canal.
Taco Bell.
PBR for everyone. 1966
Dan or DEE.
Tina Turner.
Kevin & Linda, they are both worth at least a million bucks.
The family
Full of shit.
Playing Pinball May 1963
Sir Alec Guiness.
Christmas.
A great dinner, conversation, and Leon's custard.
Catch a plane out of O'Hare, flying to Miami for dinner and coming home the same night.
Bad mannered drivers.
I would have never stopped swimming and riding my bike.
Selling.
Buying our home the day I quit my job.
Friends are forever.
Working in the tunnels
As my older brother was dying, he took the time to tell
me what joy my brother Lawrence and I brought to his life.
Working on the grounds of our Wisconsin house.
Dirty old man.
As a young boy Dennis was struck by a hit & run driver, he spent hours unconscious laying in the gutter (a family tradition) before being found and didn't wake up at all for two days. Every day I thank my lucky stars that I was even born. As a result of this trauma Dennis is deaf in his left ear, the side my sister and stand on when we want to talk about him.
Well obviously Dennis is my father, so my connection to him
goes way back to the time when I was just one sperm in millions swimming around in
his nuts.
who named me Kevin.
Dennis be his name.
Believe me there are many, but my favorite is probably this one...
Teen Pop sensation Christina Aguilera hopes that winning a Grammy for Best New Artist gives her more control over her career.