I'm a Cubs fan, and I have a friend who's a big White Sox fan. Every spring this friend wants to bet on who will have the better season; Cubs or Sox.
I never take the bet and my friend always taunts me about this: "What, don't you have any faith in your team?" he'll ask; and I reply "No. I don't". Like I said, I'm a Cubs fan; I love the team but part of being a Cub's fan is also being a realist, they are after all the Cubs. It's like being a parent who has an ugly kid, you love him, but you realize he's never going to marry a super model; just ask my folks.
The other reason I don't take the bet is that I'm a Cubs fan but I'm not an anti-White Sox fan. Unlike many Cubs/Sox fans I don't hate the team on the opposite side of town. If the Sox are doing better then the Cubs, good for them, I'm not going to root against them. I did that a long time ago, back in '83 and it turned against me. In 1983 the Sox had won their division and were set to win the American league pennant, I rooted against them and they ended up loosing. I was as happy as Rosie O'Donnell in a fudge factory. Until the next year that is.
In 1984 the Cubs were in the same boat; up 2 games to nothing going into San Diego to win the National league pennant. And what happens? They blow it. They loose every game and a chance to play in the world series. I figured it was bad karma, I jinxed the Sox the year before and now it was cosmic payback time. What goes around comes around, and I never bad mouthed the Sox again.
Every April hope springs eternal; this could be the year for the Cubs, my ugly kid could marry the beautiful movie star. I laugh every year...and then I remember...Lyle Lovett? He
married Julia Roberts.
Hey! Hey! Let's go Cubbies!
Important Stuff About Friends & Lovers
Well I was pretty psyched to find out all but a few people seemed to genuinely still want to receive "Kal's pals". Of the
people who didn't get back to me, most were women, so maybe I should lay off the women bashing for awhile. Anyway, thanks for getting back to me and I hope you continue to enjoy the show.
Here are some of the responses to the "Last issue notice".
What are you, some kind of drug pusher? A couple of free issues of Kal's Pals, just a taste you know, and then all of a sudden.... bam! Kiss Kevin's ass for a while, tell him how much you need him, tell him how Kal's Pals fills your otherwise mean, miserable, rotten existence. If you're in touch with your feminine side, or just into that kind of shit, you can tell him how Kal's Pals completes you. O.K., O.K. we want it, we need it, we got to have it, please do not cut us off from Kal's Pals, please renew our subscription.
Yes I still want Kal's pals, I miss the big city news, here's what I've had to read in my paper for amusement...
A very special thanks to Vicky O., Denise W. & Kim N. for sending me all the stamps & cash. It wasn't necessary but I appreciate it all the same. I mean what's that old saying? Never look up a gift horse's ass? Well it's something like that, isn't it? Thanks girls, I really mean it.
There's something about Marys
Mary S. went to Egypt. Her flights were screwed up, her luggage was lost for days, she came down with "Pharaoh's revenge" and had her underwear stolen (which apparently happens every time she travels aboard) but other than all that, she had a great time.
The other Mary S. has a new job; she works at the Field Museum. She hates her office though, she shares it with some of the stuffed animals and has to use an old stuffed monkey as a chair.
I went out to dinner with this new girl I'm seeing; her name is Mary.
The Green's, Mark & Elise are expecting. It's their first, not counting their dog Mojo.
And finally; from our Wisconsin report here's Eric F. with a tractor update.
The tractor is currently residing in Lombard Machining's warehouse unit where it is receiving some much needed maintenance. When Mr. Hainny sold it to me a few years ago the brakes didn't work, but Mr. Hainny reassured me that "all you have to do is turn these here brake adjuster screws and them brakes will be just as good as new". It never dawned on me that if it really was that easy, Mr. Hainny would have done it.
The next spring I tried adjusting them as instructed. Of course it did nothing, so I drove the tractor over to a friend who I knew to be somewhat mechanical and was about as old as the tractor (60 years old). He took one look at it and immediately after I told him the brakes didn't work he was very happy to explain why. "Those old Fords all have this problem" he said gleefully ( He's a big Dodge fan). "You see the rear axle seals fail and the oil leaks into the brake drum" . "So how do I fix it?" I asked innocently. "Well, its a real big job you see, because to get to them seals you have to take off the wheels, remove the axles, pull the bearings, and then replace the seals."
So to make the story short, the brake job is almost done, then I have to find a short circuit in the charging system. After that it'll be ready for Y2K.
My Three Thugs.
These three boys above are the Salmon brothers; Sean, Matt and
Dan. They're the sons of my oldest cousin Mike and his lovely wife Jean,
and though they are really my second cousins we treat them more like
first cousins.
All three are in college now. Sean (the oldest) and Dan (the youngest) are
wrestlers. Matt who is also my sister Linda's Godson, is an ace Soccer
player. All three are big fans of Kal's pals and often share it with
their college buddies. Many times I run into them on-line and
they share with me the latest free porn websites.
You might wonder what this is all about; well I want to get on
the boy's good side. For a number of reasons. One, if I ever
want to do a college tour of "Kal's Pals: the One Man Show"
I'll need them to set me up with free beers and co-eds.
Two, if I ever start my own branch of the Irish Mafia
I'll need them for muscle. And three, and most importantly,
when the boys were younger I used beat them up alittle
and now I'm just afraid they'll kick my ass!
They scare me. Really.
Kal's pals salutes...
The Necco wafer has become an icon in the candy world, Admiral Byrd took two tons of them with him on his expedition to the South pole and during World War two the U.S. bought out most of NECCO's stock for the troops overseas.
With Valentine's Day just passed I thought it was high time to salute the Necco wafers little brother; the "SweetHeart"
(I'm such a
romantic fool).
In the first of the "Little House on the Prairie" books, Laura Ingalls Wilder writes how excited she and her sister Mary were when they got
a package of printed candy hearts from a Wisconsin
general store.
SweetHearts are small, hard as a rock and not very flavorful, yet this year NECCO will ship more than eight billion of the heart shaped sweets, (all within a six week time slot) before Valentine's Day.
The recipe for the candy hasn't changed since the 1860's, but the sayings that adorn the hearts have. Once printed with sayings and poems two or three lines long, the sentiments on the hearts are now much more to the point, usually one or two words such as "Be Mine"
or "Kiss Me". VP of logistics and planning, Walter Marshall, (with the help of his grandchildren) is in charge of keeping up with current language and has recently added "hip" sayings such as "Go Girl" and "You Rock" to the SweetHeart
vernacular. Just like me. Be mine. For Keeps.
I apologize
Never has anything I've ever written in Kal's Pals caused so much hoopla as the "I hate women" page last issue. Anybody who truly knows me, knows that not only do I not hate women, but I love women! That's my problem; I love women too much, and that's what gets me in trouble. I love everything about them crazy chicks. The way they look, the softness of their skin, the smell of their hair. The way they cry at Hall Mark commercials, the way they drink too much then puke all over me. I love the way they surprise me by going out, buying sleazy lingerie then modeling it for me later. Oh! and I really, really love the way that they get their best friend to come over and then the three of us have sex. Oh! oh! oh! How about how they always wake me up at three in the morning for hot sweaty sex. I love that! God! I love women!
Okay, okay, I was just kidding, but I really do love women, and my life has been enriched in more ways then I can count by many of the women that have crossed my path these 40 years. And if I offended any of you women I'm sorry; and the next time you see me you have my permission to spank me. Spank me hard; and call me "bad boy"; and if you wore a little french maid outfit while you did it that would really show me what a naughty little boy I've been. Okay? Please?
Eric's Tractor Update
From our Wisconsin report here's Eric F. with a tractor update.
The tractor is currently residing in Lombard Machining's warehouse unit where it is receiving some much needed maintenance. When Mr. Hainny sold it to me a few years ago the brakes didn't work, but Mr. Hainny reassured me that "all you have to do is turn these here brake adjuster screws and them brakes will be just as good as new". It never dawned on me that if it really was that easy, Mr. Hainny would have done it.
The next spring I tried adjusting them as instructed. Of course it did nothing, so I drove the tractor over to a friend who I knew to be somewhat mechanical and was about as old as the tractor (60 years old). He took one look at it and immediately after I told him the brakes didn't work he was very happy to explain why. "Those old Fords all have this problem" he said gleefully ( He's a big Dodge fan). "You see the rear axle seals fail and the oil leaks into the brake drum". "So how do I fix it?" I asked innocently. "Well, its a real big job you see, because to get to them seals you have to take off the wheels, remove the axles, pull the bearings, and then replace the seals."
So to make the story short, the brake job is almost done, then I have to find a short circuit in the charging system. After that it'll be ready for Y2K.
Fat, bald, Italian men
Do you find James Gandolfini sexy?
67% said YES 33% said NO
Special note: Barry K. also thinks he's sexy, "In a Kevin sort of way".
Thanks Barry, there's hope for me yet.
Swallow the leader
As I was driving home from work the other day, I happened to get behind a Lexus with the vanity license plates "SWALLOW". Of course I had to see who was
driving, so I pull up and there's this really hot looking chick behind the wheel. Now I'm hooked, I mean, here's this hot babe, driving a Lexus, with the word "SWALLOW" on her license plate, what would you do?
My mind was reeling, so much so that I didn't notice that I was low on gas and I ended up stalling on the expressway. The girl in the Lexus sped off (laughing) and I got a ticket for obstructing traffic.
A friend of mine was driving by and offered to help but he didn't have a gas can; he did have a siphon hose though. "What am I supposed to do with this?" I asked. "Just stick one end in my gas tank and suck hard". he said. "Just be careful not to swallow." Doh!
Sign of the times
I saw this written on the back of a dirty truck the other day... WWW.WASHME.COM. Just thought it was kind of cute. You know, not all of this shit can be rip roaring funny all the time. Sheesh. Give me a break will ya.
???????
Y2K has come and gone without any problems...except Blockbuster thinks I owe them $1,325 and 48 cents in over due fees for "How Stella Got her Groove Back". Of course I couldn't give a rat's ass about "Stella" or her groove.
Pieces of Corn
Charles Schultz has passed away, The Far Side, & Calvin and Hobbs have retired, if this keeps up, soon our comic pages will be left with nothing to read but Nancy, Marmaduke, and Love Is... which are all about as funny as a barium enema. In order to save the funny pages I've come up with a strip that I believe captures if not the complete feel of Peanuts it at least captures it's heart.>
Men of the decade,
For the decade I pick Allan Greenspan ; the United States economy has been doing fantastic for quite a while now and Mr. Greenspan is probably the man most responsible for this prosperous fiscal boom.
For man of the century I go with Albert Einstein . Not only were his theories incredibly
groundbreaking, but he changed the thought processes of all of science and the world.
For the man of the millennium I'm torn between two guys; the first is King John ; whose
signing of the Magna Carta laid the ground work for democratic principles and equal rights for all people; and my second choice is Guttenburg , because I really loved those Police Academy movies.
Yeah, yeah, I know; that was a long way to go for such a crappy joke.
And speaking of Einstein...
Albert Einstein was married twice in his life; his first wife was Mileva Maric, who he divorced in 1919, his second wife was Elsa, who also happened to be his first cousin. Gives a whole new meaning to the "Theory of Relativity" huh?
Junk Drawer
Rust never sleeps Neil; rust never sleeps.
And I quote...
Science!
So this Canadian scientist, Francois Pothier, has come up with a
brainstorm...he wants to extract the drugs from pig semen instead of milk. Pothier engineers the pigs so that they produce proteins in their semen, the proteins are then extracted and used to manufacture the needed drugs. Pothier says that the pigs can donate semen many times a day and seem to really enjoy the extraction process.
Thank God I'm healthy, and don't have to drink pig semen.
I wouldn't mind being a pig though.
Kal's Pals Trivia
Which Kal's pal once wrote and produced his
own one man play?
Mark G.
Who the Hell are You!?
Name:
Birthday:
Birthplace:
Occupation:
Current Home:
Working On:
Worst Job Experience:
The Last Good Movie I Saw:
The Book I've Been Reading:
Favorite Pig Out Food:
Nickname:
Favorite Performer:
Prized Possession:
People always think I'm:
I'd give anything to meet:
Favorite Annual Event:
A really great evening to me is:
My Fantasy Is:
The One Thing I Can't Stand is:
If I Could Change One Thing About Myself:
I'm Really Good At:
My Most Irrational Act:
If I've Learned One Thing In Life It's:
Major accomplishment:
Hobbies:
Three words that best describe me:
Editors Note:
Kevin Connection
Favorite Monica Moment
And in closing...
Brian Fodera, a contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" blew the first question he was asked. The question was: "What did Jack Horner pull from a pie?". Brian answered a blackbird.
Brian should of went on "Who Wants to Look Like a horse's ass in front of 33 Million Viewers?"
Mike S.
(My cousin. See this smart-ass stuff is genetic.)
FOUND:
GOATS in Haycock Township.
Ears are torn.
Please call
610-346-XXXX
Kerri N.
(who lives in some small town in PA.
There's always
room for Cheri.
I had the steak...and Mary had a little lamb.
Ha! I crack myself up.
The Sweetheart
In 1847 Oliver R. Chase, an English immigrant, invented a machine that could cut lozenges into a
uniform shape. With this new and wondrous machine, Chase founded the New England Confectionery Company and created one of the most popular and enduring candies in America; the NECCO wafer. 
NECCO wafers were very popular and the company was doing great, but Chase wanted to expand his candy line, so Chase's brother Daniel came up with the idea of selling candy that had little messages with them. In the early 1860's Daniel Chase began printing sayings on pieces of paper and slipping them inside hollow wafer candies. He later refined his idea by inventing a machine that would print sayings directly onto his candy, and the "SweetHearts" were born.
For over 100 years the SweetHeart has brought a smile to the face of millions of people by just being sweet and to the point. 
finally get their due.
With the popularity of HBO's The Soprano's I've heard rumors that James Gandolfini is quickly becoming the latest Hollywood sex symbol. I asked the female readers of Kal's Pals what they think about the chunky hunky; here are the results.
century, millennium.
Since everybody else did it, here are my picks for the most influential men of the decade,
century & millennium. 
Rock and Roll Hall of Famer
Neil Young is part owner of the Lionel Train Company, and takes his massive model train set with him whenever he goes on tour.
(more or less)
For a while now, genetic engineers have been creating animals whose bodies produce drugs that help combat human diseases. For instance, a Scottish firm has engineered sheep and cows that produce a protein in their milk that is used to fight cystic fibrosis. But sheep and cows take a long time before they begin to lactate, can only be miked a couple of times per day and may carry mad cow disease in their milk.
Monica Maureen R.
4 January 1967.
I have never seen two happier people.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Registered Nurse.
Oh nurse. It's time for my enema.
Whitefish Bay, Wisconsin.
Trying to figure out what the "perfect job" is for me.
Waitressing at Webster's cafe.
Austin Powers The Spy Who Shagged Me.
Dean Koontz, Fear Nothing.
Guacamole and chips or Funyuns.
Dance ballerina dance...
Moni, Monibug, Thumbelina, or Thumbie.
Indigo Girls.
My autographed John Travolta pillow.
Loud and obnoxious.
John Travolta.
Christmas Eve/Day activities.
Getting take-out Thai food and renting a movie.
Chris & Moni
That either myself or my husband would spontaneously become wealthy enough that I no longer had to work and we could spend six months out of the year traveling to various exotic destinations.
Two-faced backstabbing people.
I wouldn't get so flushed and blotchy when I am nervous or upset.
Singing and writing.
Jamming the top of a pastel tin into my sister's wrist (a very long time ago).
It's way too short to waste any time.
Graduating from college...twice.
Boozing it up at some Frat party I'm sure.
Singing, karaoke, needlepointing.
Generous, funny, outgoing.
Monica is an avid sailor, and has a huge interest in the "Titanic", she has even gone so far as to appear in the x-rated version of the movie "Tit-antics".
The Godparents. (Look how thin I am there. Shit!)
Well Monica is my younger cousin, so
I've known her my entire life. We've always been close and are the Godparents to Evan, who is the son of Monica's
sister JoMarie.
All I want for Christmas is....everything!
As a young girl of 3
or so, Monica used to run around calling everybody a "dummy ass-hole". That used to crack me up. She still does it, but now it's not so funny.