Everyone keeps asking me what I'm going to do this New Year's Eve to await the year 2000. At first I was going to go to Jerusalem and await the second coming of Jesus; because he owes me twenty bucks. Then I remembered...Jesus dosen't owe me twenty bucks! It's Moses! So I gave up on those plans. So what I'm doing instead is this; I'm going to sit in my warehouse all night with a big-ass shotgun. That's what I'm going to do.
Because as you all know, civilization is going to come crashing down around our heads on New Years Eve and life as we know it is going to turn upside down. The everyday stuff that we take for granted, the little things that make our lifes so easy and pleasant are now going to be worth their weight in gold; and my warehouse is filled with gold. Yep, that's right, gold. White gold. Gold in the form of toilet paper. My warehouse has enough T.P. in it to wipe every ass in Kenosha county and I'm going to protect it with everything I got. Because come Y2K it's going to worth a fortune!
So you all go out and celebrate; party until your hearts content; but come the morning of January 1st, 2000 and you have to wipe your ass...that will cost you. Bidding starts at $100 a roll. Happy New Year.
Important Stuff About Friends & Lovers
Laurie F. & Eddie G. tied the knot at the Germania Club on September 25th. It was a lovely affair. Great food, great booze, great fun. I always consider it a good wedding when the band doesn't play "I knew the bride when she used to rock & roll".
Also getting hitched this fall were...Mary Ann G. & Ed O, Kelly P. & Don C., Denise B. & Rodney W. It must be something in the air.
Congrats go out to Renee & Doug N. on the birth of their beautiful new daughter Annabelle Catherine, born October 6th at 8:04 a.m. 7 pounds 19 1/2 inches long.
Jeff L., Mark S., Pete S. (see the "who the hell are you?" person) all went to Amsterdam for 4 or 5 days. The boys had a grand ol' time, saw sights (The Ann Frank Museum, The Van Gogh Museum) and may or may not have smoked hash and seen a live sex show.
Tom & Mary went to Italy and Spain for a couple of weeks. They ate alot, drank a lot good wine, saw a lot of great art and just had a lovely time. They did not smoke hash or see a live sex show. They're good kids, not like Jeff and his pal's.
From the sublime Like everybody else I have many sides to me, I listen to Public Radio, but I also like porn flicks. What can I say, I'm a complex cat. Anyway, here are my favorite titles in both categories.
My Favorite Public Radio Shows
My Favorite Porn Movie Titles
O.k., so I made up the porn titles, but who cares, they're still funny.
Similarities between
Your computer
Your computer
Your computer
Your computer
Your computer
Your computer
Mini Me.
Science makes huge advances in human cloning. Or then again maybe they don't.
Stupid Sayings.
I never really understood the old saying "You can't have your cake and eat it too". You can have your cake and eat it too! When you eat your cake you are in fact having it. Am I right? The saying should be "You can't keep your cake and eat it too". This; keeping your cake and eating it too would be impossible. But having and eating; where I come from they're pretty much the same thing. And who wouldn't want to eat their cake anyway? Why save cake? What's the point? Eat the damn cake! Life's too short to be saving cake. Eat it! Be happy.
Another stupid saying is "It's the best thing since sliced bread". I got news for you people, sliced bread ain't that great. I sometimes go to the bakery and specifically ask for my bread unsliced so that I can cut it to the thickness that I want. Sometimes you want thick slices, sometimes thin. And who can't slice their own bread? What is so hard about that? If your life is so pathetic that the best thing going for it is pre-sliced bread; buddy you better get out more often. Let me tell you, life is full of stuff much better than sliced bread. The saying should be "It's the best thing since potato chips". Think about it; before company's like Frito Lay started making potato chips, if you had a taste for them you were S.O.L. You'd have to wash the potatoes, peel them, slice them really thin, cook them in oil and season them. That's a lot of work for potato chips. And a hell of a lot harder then slicing your own damn bread.
The last saying I never got was "I used to complain about not having shoes, until I met a man with no feet". The guy's got no feet, he doesn't need shoes! What the hell is a footless guy going to do with shoes? Put them on his hands? I got feet! I'm shoeless! I need the damn shoes! Not footless over there. Granted he needs something, but it sure as hell ain't shoes. Give me the shoes.
So anyway those are the sayings that bug me, there are a few more but I won't put all my eggs in one basket. Wait a minute...why not put all your eggs in one basket? It's a lot easier to carry one basket then a bunch of them. And how many eggs per basket is the recommended egg to basket ratio? I don't get it. I will put as many eggs in my basket as I damn want to! This is America dammit! And if a man can't have his basket overflowing with eggs, then what's the point I ask you.
I'll be home for Christmas.
Everybody knows my favorite holiday tradition...sitting at home...alone...in the dark...with my .45...and a bottle of tequila...pretending to shoot the cars that drive by my condo; but I'm more interested in what my friends like to do, so I e-mailed a bunch of them and asked them "What's your favorite holiday tradition?", so here hey are. And remember I live at 2745 W. Harlem, in case you want to avoid that area this Christmas.
Kevin C.
Laurie F.
Kathy K.
Kelly C.
Patty N.
Jimmy E.
Linda K.
Dennis E.
Bo O.
Brad L.
David T.
Jeff L.
Mike T.
Mary G.
Joanne M.
Bernerd L.
Kimm D.
Jeff S.
And you though I was warped.
Something about Mary
Last spring Mary S. lost her good leather jacket and of course it really bummed her out. A couple of weeks ago she was leaving her manicurist and as she was grabbing her coat she noticed a nice leather jacket hanging on the coat rack. "Hey", she said, "this looks like my coat"! "Yeah" said the manicurist, "somebody left this coat here all summer, and I left it out hoping someone would claim it".
Now Mary, if you could only remember where you left your brain everything would be alright.
Games I'd like to
Pin the tail on the Annie
Junk Drawer
The dress that Marilyn Monroe wore when she sang "Happy Birthday" to President Kennedy in 1962 cost $12,000 and was recently auctioned off for $1,260,000.
And I quote...
Science!
There are an average 35 earthquakes per day through-out the world that are large enough to cause minor to severe damage.
These do not take into account the quakes caused by me doing step aerobics or jumping around Wrigley Field (semi-private joke).
Kal's Pals Trivia
Which Kal's pal once lived in an old train caboose?
Brad L.
Hey Kids!
"The most destructive force know to man is not the force of a hurricane, tidal wave or even an atomic bomb; it's the destructive force of a woman".
"I've been in love and I've been in a big-ass car crash; I'll take the big-ass car crash every time".
"There are three things in this world that are certain; death, taxes and that any woman I get involved with will be a nutjob".
"From now on I use women like Kleenex...I use them once, then toss them out".
He's the Pitts!
I hate to brake it to you ladies but here's a quote from David Fincher the director of Fight Club on your Mr. Brad Pitt.
"People who don't know Brad think he's strange choice for the role. But people who do know him- who know the Brad Pitt who hangs out at his house with his five dogs, who chain smokes, who lives under an inch of dust-they think he's perfect".
There's your dream boy ladies...dirty, covered in dog hair and breath like an ashtray. Yeah baby! Go for it!!!
Women!
Eariler this year I was at an Oscar party at my friends Beth and Barry's house, when Kevin Costner appears on the screen to make some kind of presentation. Immediately some of the women at the party start to go ape-shit over this guy, talking about how he's so cute and that they'd love to do him and blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda; apparently forgetting all about the fact that this is the dog who cheated on his loving wife every chance he got.
Which leads me to a theroy of mine...women will find it o.k. to have an affair as long as the man they are having it with is some kind of hunky, rugged type of guy. I base this theroy not only on the above reaction of a few women but on a couple of movies and books that were very popular with the ladies. Namely The Bridges of Madison County and The Horse Whisperer , best sellers each.
Both these books (and later movies) revolve around the same theme...a bored frustrated woman who's married to a completely normal, nice guy; not abusive in any way, who suddenly finds herself in the company of a mysterious, rugged stranger (Clint Eastwood and Robert Redford) who somehow brings new meaning to her life just through his manly ruggedness. Now when a guy does this he's considered the worse kind of bastard in the world, but when a women does this, she's just misunderstood.
What a bunch of crap. Call it what it is, don't try and justify it, if you want to screw some guy because he's a big hunk then do it, but don't try and sugar coat it with some kind of romantic notion about what you're doing.
That's just another difference between men and women; a man will say "Yeah, I screwed around with her, she was hot". Whereas a women will say "You don't understand; he's special; he complete's me". Complete this! "Chick flicks" are "chick flicks" for a reason, they appeal to this delusional fanatsy world that women want, but that men know is full of shit.
But that's just my opinion: Kevin E., misogynist at large.
Insanity!
This would definately fit my pattern as to relationships with women. Over and over again I get involved with women, and even though I think the outcome will be different, it always ends the same. Thus proving what many of you have thought for years; I am in fact insane. So from now on, I swear off women...at least until the next one comes along.
Name:
Birthday:
Birthplace:
Occupation:
Current Home:
Working On:
Worst Job Experience:
The Last Good Movie I Saw:
The Book I've Been Reading:
Favorite Pig Out Food:
Nickname:
Favorite Performer:
Prized Possession:
People always think I'm:
I'd give anything to meet:
Favorite Annual Event:
A really great evening to me is:
My Fantasy Is:
The One Thing I Can't Stand is:
If I Could Change One Thing About Myself:
I'm Really Good At:
My Most Irrational Act:
If I've Learned One Thing In Life It's:
Major accomplishment:
Hobbies:
Three words that best describe me:
Kevin Connection
Favorite Pete Moment The girls left immediately and Pete and Joan are still married. God bless you Joan.
Oh look! It's Cheri!
"Cheri" & any likeness of "Cheri" are registered trademarks of "Kal's Pals" & our parent company "kevco".
to the ridiculous
The Annoying Music Show
Car Talk
All Things Considered
This American Life
Science Friday
Talk of the Nation
What Do You Know
Fresh Air
Snatch Adams
I Know Who You Did last Summer
Legs Wide Open
A Butts Life
The Goo Mask of Zorro
HEADtv
Pokewoman
Good Will Humping
Shaving Private Ryan
Anal-ize This
Kevin & your computer.
Was infected by the Melissa virus
Kevin
Was infected by Melissa
Is easy to turn on
Kevin
Is easy to turn on
Porbably won't function New Year's Day
Kevin
Definately won't function New Year's Day
Sometimes crashes
Kevin
Sometimes crashes
Becomes obsolete after 6 months
Kevin
Became obsolete years ago
Sometimes aggravates you so much you want to smack it
Kevin
Sometimes aggravates you so much you need to smack him
Not shaving, eating and watching football.
Getting hammered and going to midnight Mass.
Not wearing underwear to the company Christmas Party
Don's battery operated light show.
Giving gifts to others.
Getting pie-eyed drunk on New Years Eve, and Christmas Eve, and New Years Day and two days before and after Christmas...
Decorating my house for Christmas with my girls.
watching my granddaughters open their presents.
Watching the dog mount Uncle Jacks leg hour after hour.
Sitting and waiting for Santa, in the dark, in my underwear, while oiling up the shotgun.
Hanging the Thanksgiving carcass from the top of the tree, and letting the parakeets pick at it.
It actually takes place the day after Christmas. When I was living at home, my dad would wake me up by throwing walnuts at me. Something about St. Stephens Day and a stoning. Hey! Wait a minute-come to think of it-I think it was just child abuse.
Trying to achieve a simultaneous orgasm with my woman the monent the clock strikes midnight.
Making Swedish sausage. My sister took over this tradition aftre my Grandparents died. It s a very discussing process (pig's intestines, raw meat--you get the picture). I partake in the festive event by drinking and watching.
For the past three years we have had Christmas for the family at our house. I hope this will continue and become something of a tradition over the years. Nothing too exciting happens but I enjoy getting the house ready and planning the meal.
my favorite tradition is going to my Grandma's house where we eat dinner and exchange gifts with my Grandma and my Aunt.
Oyster Stew on X-mas Eve and opening 1 present; then going to Midnight Mass.
Watching my favorite Christmas movie--Die Hard, it's a classic! When I hear Bruce Willis say "Yippee Ki Yea, motherfucker", I'm immediately put in the holiday spirit.
play with Annie O.
Bobbing for Annies
Parcheesie
Hide and Go Annie
Ring around the Annie
Chutes and Annies
Spin the Annie
Annie in the middle
Annie, Annie, slap the fannie,
call me daddy and I'll give you candy.
(That's a special little game that I made up.)
(more or less)
It's the I hate women page!
Kevin E.
Kevin E.
Kevin E.
Kevin E.
The clinical definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again, but expecting a different outcome each time.
Who the Hell are You!?
Pete circa 1977.
Pete S.
July 23, 1960.
Evanston, Illinois.
I own Neon Design in Chicago.
Wrigleyville. Wow am I a yuppie!
Pete and son relax.
Trying to find free time for myself.
Worked only one night washing floors at a grocery store. I quit the next night.
Coming back from Amsterdamn on the plane I saw The Thomas Crown Affair , it was entertaining.
A detective story, Robert Parkers Family Honor .
Mexican Food at El Jardin with a couple of Margaritas.
Call me a cab.
Editors Note: You're a cab.
Mother Theresa.
I like Jazz guys and have no time for actors: Ray Charles, Eric Wright, B.B. King.
My fathers old watch.
Horny.
Winston Churchill, Merriweather Lewis, Theodore Roosevelt.
Cheri's birthday.
I'm on the town with my wife Joan.
Rub a dub dub, a stud in the tub.
Let's just say that I have a favorite Victoria's Secret Model.
Talk radio. I don't care if it's WBEZ or WGN.
Why am I in such a hurry?
Being a "Trip Nazi".
Pete & Joan on one of their first dates.
Asking Joan to marry me at the tender age of 25, the best thing I ever did.
There are very few issues that are black and white.
The family.
I have a job where I like going off to work in the morning and I love walking into the house to see Joan, Ted, Claire and Tommy at the end of the day. No wonder I don't want to sleep at night.
Pete, ever see "Deliverance"?
I love the outdoors: hiking, canoeing, camping. also reading, traveling and Scotch.
Leo, triturated, and especially endoplasmic.
I met Pete through my good friends Cheri and Jeff who have known Pete since childhood. Pete's a huge Cubs fan and everytime I go to Wrigley Field (which is a lot) I run into him.
Once a long time ago, Pete and his lovely wife Joan were out at a party. Pete, being the Romeo that he is began flirting with a couple of girls quite his junior. Joan noticed this (from across the room) but instead of getting mad, she caught the attention of the girls and indicated with her thumb and forefinger that though Pete is indeed a handsome man, God was not so kind to him in the penile department.