I'm sure by now you've all seen the Taco Bell commercial where the little Taco Bell dog is singing "Chances Are" to the beautiful woman who lives across the street from him.
As the little dog sings one of the most romantic songs of all time, this gorgeous woman points to herself and wordlessly mouths "Who, me"? with a lustful, yearning, look in her eyes.
Well, as it turns out, the dog is singing to the guy in the apartment next to the babe, who is eating a taco.
Now what strikes me as weird in this commercial is this...here you have this beautiful woman, alone on a romantically moon-lit night, and she's getting all hot for a Chihuahua. I mean, don't you find that a little strange? Here's this drop dead knock-out of a woman, who could have any man she wanted and she's all hot for a little dog?
It's weird! Is she in love with this dog? Does she want to have sex with this dog? A Chihuahua? I don't get it.
Now a Great Dane...that I could understand.
Important Stuff About
Sister sister
Beth B. & "Issac" Hayes A. are engaged. I'm not saying that Beth's ring is big or anything, but you could put a hat on it.
Christie B. has moved. She went from Portland, Oregon to Malibu, California. Which makes no sense to me since I thought she lived in San Diego anyway.
And finally... the ever effervescent Anita B. has moved back to Chicago, where she will begin work on the stage production of "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang". (Private Joke).
Accidents will happen
Mike B. was playing first base with his softball team the other day when an opposing batter hit a grounder to 3rd. The 3rd baseman snagged the screamer and whipped it to Mike to get the runner out. Right after that, Mikey noticed that his finger was hurting a little bit. See, in Chicago we play softball with a hard 16" ball, without any gloves. None of that sissy stuff for us. Mike thought that maybe he had jammed his finger, until that is, he noticed the bone sticking out of his skin. Mikey popped his finger back into place and drove himself to the emergency room to get stitched up. What a he-man. Now do you understand why I love this guy so much.
Brad! A deer! A female deer! Brad was driving to work one day when he hit a deer. Or the deer hit him, we're still not quite sure. Brad is fine. his car was repaired, but he now has a freezer full of venison steaks. Anyone interested should give him a call. Just kidding. the deer got up and ran away never to be seen again, so we assume he was o.k.
The name "Cheri" and any likeness of "Cheri"
are registered trademarks and are the sole property of kevco and its subsidiary company "kal's pals".
Any unauthorized use of "Cheri" will result in legal action.
I went to watch the fireworks July 3rd like I do every year. This year there was more action on the blanket then in the sky, as Kelly & Linda O. had a little too much to drink and ended up making out in front of everybody like a bunch of teenagers. With both Brad and Jeff drinking too, I was the only adult left watching the kids (I wasn't drinking that week). You know things are bad when I'm the most responsible adult of the group. As a matter of fact, I think this is a sign of the Apocalypse or something.
Kerri N. is moving to Dutch Pennsylvania. I don't know why, maybe she has a huge craving for funnel cakes.
Linda B. threw another one of her fabbo parties- great food, drinks and lots of cute single chicks. Needless to say I had a great time.
Mark & Elise. just bought a new house in the Wrigley Field neighborhood. Just another place for me to mooch bar-b-ques.
And speaking of "The Kal's Pals Board Game", it seems my second cousin Matt S., who attends OSU, uploaded the game onto the internet and it has become somewhat of a cult fave around the school. It's a dream come true! I'm now a college drinking game! Truly; I'm speechless.
Pete P.organized a very nice little bachelor party for Eddie G. Among the 15 or so guests were Jeff, Brad and I. We all started the evening drinking at a quaint little bar downtown, we then stopped for a quick repast and ended the celebration by watching some very lovely ladies dance for us at a gentlemen's establishment known as "Crazy Horse Too". The highlight of the evening came when one of Pete's friends bought Jeffrey what is I believe known as a "lap dance". An extremely pretty blonde danced quite erotically for Jeffrey for 5 or 6 minutes, which is very amusing; since we all know that Jeffrey prefers brunettes.
Oh baby! Oh baby!
Vicky & Dan O. had their first baby. Hannah Rene was born August 26th. We wish you all the best.
Rene & Kevin C. had their baby at 9:41 p.m. on 9-9-99. That'll be an easy birthday to remember. George thomas is 8 pounds 3 ounces, 21 1/4 inches. All are doing well.
Joanne and Scott M. just made the KP deadline. Jakob Scott was born 9/16 at 2:31 a.m. He's 7 pounds 9 ounces and 21 inches long. Kisses to all.
Rick and Dawn P. have jumped on the baby train. The first for them. I believe the name "Snoopy" is being tossed around.
Another commercial message
So I'm driving down the road one day and I see this billboard advertising Shell's new speedy pump service. On the billboard is a woman saying "I want to pay, pump and bolt". I can't tell you how many times I've thought the same exact thing...just in a different context.
O.J...P.I.
I want you all to be careful. Lock your doors and windows at night, be wary of strangers and arm yourselves. Why? June 11th was the 5 year anniversary of the murders of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman, and despite the best efforts of Nicole's ex-husband, O.J. Simpson, the killer is still on the loose.
I'm sure that you remember that after Mr. Simpson was found innocent of these murders, (and rightly so) the grieving O.J. vowed that he would not rest until he found the killer of his estranged wife, and brought said killer to justice.
For the last five years O.J. has dedicated his life to tracking down this murderer, searching for him at practically every golf course across America. How this killer has escaped the grasp of O.J. is beyond me, surely this man must be a criminal mastermind on par with such evil genius as Professor Moriarty or Hannibal Lechter. For anyone to have eluded a man as intelligent and dedicated as O.J. Simpson they must be cunning indeed. So that is the reason I want all of my friends to be cautious; because as we know, the killer is still out there...and many of you golf.
A lot of you out there have kids; and from time to time they get on your nerves.
Next time your kids act up, remember this little bit about my 3 year old niece Allyson and maybe you won't feel so bad. It's a little item I call....
I need an old priest...
5:30 a.m.
6:00 a.m.
6:30 a.m.
9:00 a.m.
12:30 p.m.
1:00 p.m.
2:30 a.m.
3:00 p.m.
3:30 p.m.
4:30 p.m.
6:30 p.m.
8:30 p.m.
Kal's Pals sautes...
The first five electric household appliances designed to make life easier for millions of women around the world were, the sewing machine, the fan, the tea kettle, the toaster and...the vibrator.
Yes, the vibrator. In fact, the vibrator was such an important part of a women's world that it proceeeded the electric vacuum cleaner and iron by almost ten years.
How the vibrator came to be is really pretty interesting, it was actually invented as a medical tool. Yeah; doctors in Victorian times would perform a "procedure" for their female patients that would provide "relief of physical, emotional and sexual tension through external pelvic massage culminating in orgasm". I kid you not, these doctors would manually masturbate their female patients. This procedure was strictly business for the doctors though, very tedious and very non-erotic. Clinical to the point of boredom. Doctors performed this procedure out of a sense of duty. Regular "vulvular massage" being the prescribed treatment for any number of symptoms that were labeled under the umbrella term "hysteria"; a common ailment of Victorian age women. As I said, this procedure was very tedious and clinical for the doctors, and no fun at all.
So it was no big surprise when, in the early 1880's Dr. Joseph Mortimer patented the first vibrator, doctors across the country bought them by the thousands. The vibrator made vulvular massage easy, quick and clean. What used to take a doctor hours, could now be done in minutes or seconds, and at the end of the day the doctor could finally hold his knife and fork (no more stiff fingers). By the turn of the century vibrators were being sold in the Sear's catalog and were advertised in such respectable magazines as Needlecraft and Women's Home Companion.
The vibrator remained a mainstay of the doctor's office until the 1920's. When the vibrator started to appear in stag films it lost it's respectability and was soon seen as a tool of the perverse. Now of course it's buried at the bottom of dresser drawers all across America; except in Alabama, Georgia and Texas where the sale of vibrators is illegal. But nobody in those states gets Kal's Pals anyway so who cares.
It's too bad that the medical profession no longer does the vulvular massage thing though, if they did, I for one would apply to med school tomorrow. I wouldn't even care if it wasn't covered by your HMO.
Step right up girls...and while you're here, how about a bikini wax?
There's Something about Emma.
I watched The Avengers movie on cable the other night.
Not good, not good at all. I didn't mind Ralph Fiennes as John Steed, he did a fairly good job, but Uma Thurman as Emma Peel was downright blasphemous.
Anybody who has ever seen the orignal Avengers t.v. show knows that there is only one Emma Peel; and that is Diana Rigg.
Diana was the perfect Emma; sauve, confident, sexy and just a tad sarcastic. My kind of chick.
In all fairness to Uma, nobody could have done justice to this role. I wish "Hollywood" would get the message and leave the icons of my youth alone. Haven't they done enough damage? Haven't I suffered enough over what they've done to my Batman? When will they leave well enough alone? Nipples on the Batsuit indeed.
Gulity pleasures.
Gulity pleasures; we all have them. Something that we all enjoy doing that everybody else would find cheesey, dumb or just plain weird. Something that's bad for you and you know it, but you keep doing it anyway. Whether it's reading trashy magazines or eating too much cheesecake, we all indulge ourselves from time to time. And there's nothing wrong with that, guilty pleasures bring us a little peace in our otherwise hectic worlds. Here are the guilty pleasures of some of my pals. Read them (perhaps in your underwear, which is one ofmy guilty pleasures) and next time you indulge yourselves maybe you won't feel so gulity. Or weird.
Barry K.
Beth K.
Linda K.
Joanne M.
Brad L.
Pete S.
Mary G.
Rene C.
Dave S.
Kathy K.
It must be summer, because
Despite the fact that I have lost numerous pounds, my huge ass has once again raised it's ugly head (how's that for a metaphor?). I was sitting at a roof top bar the other day with my pals Brad & Jeff, when the cheap plastic chair I was sitting in began to sag. Just as the guys and I started to laugh about this...BAM! The chair broke under me. For those of you counting, the tally of broken chairs now comes to four. I don't think of this as a comment on my wieght as much as a comment on the shoddy craftmanship of the world at large. People, I urge you, please buy American, if for no other reason then the for the sake of my poor sore ass.
It's the end of the world as we know it.
Here are a few of the bizarre things that have going on in the world lately
A 64 year old nun in Joliet, Illinois was arrested for scrawling racist graffiti in the washrooms of the hospital where she worked. When questioned Sister Toman said "I really like being a nun, except for all that "Love your neighbor shit".
In Georgia it's illegal for women to buy vibrators, (see Kal's Pals Salutes above) yet Georgia has some of the most lax gun control laws in the United States. The Govenor of Georgia has urged women of his state to find other ways of relieving their sexual tension...like buying handguns and shooting their husbands.
An ex-professional wrestler is now the Govenor of Minnesota. I can't even think of a punch line that's funnier then that.
Junk Drawer
The ratio of fake flamingoes to real flamingoes in the United States is 400 to 1.
And I quote...
Science!
The state of Kansas has removed teaching the theroy of Evolution from the science curriculum of their schools. Instead they would like more emphasis put on teaching Creation Theroy. They believe that there just isn't enough proof of the evolutionary process to warrant teaching it as fact...as opposed to all the overwhemling evidence that backs up that whole Adam & Eve thing.
Kal's Pals Trivia
Which Kal's pal once worked in a Milwaukee shoe store with actor Gene Wilder?
My mother...Rose.
Who the Hell are You!?
Name:
Birthday:
Birthplace:
Occupation:
Current Home:
Working On:
Worst Job Experience:
The Last Good Movie I Saw:
The Book I've Been Reading:
Favorite Pig Out Food:
Nickname:
Favorite Performer:
Prized Possession:
People always think I'm:
I'd give anything to meet:
Favorite Annual Event:
A really great evening to me is:
My Fantasy Is:
The One Thing I Can't Stand is:
If I Could Change One Thing About Myself:
I'm Really Good At:
My Most Irrational Act:
If I've Learned One Thing In Life It's:
Major accomplishment:
Hobbies:
Three words that best describe me:
Kevin Connection So here's poor Tom with this new girlfriend that he's trying to impress, and I'm going on and on about what a bunch of drunks he and his friends are.
Oh well, I guess it all worked out anyway; they've been married 5 years now.
Favorite Mary Moment
Her wedding day. Mary is your basic t-shirt and jeans kind of gal; that pretty, girl next door type that I like so much. On her wedding day, she carried this look off perfectly. She wore a simple, yet beautiful dress, very steamlined and very gorgeous. She was stunning. Very Audrey Hepburn looking, and elegant to a "T".
And in closing...
Sergei Khrushchev, the son of Nikita Khrushchev became a U.S. citizen on June, 23rd. For you youngsters or history impaired, Nikita was the Premiere of The U.S.S.R. at the height of the cold war (think Cuban Missile Crisis). One of his most famous quotes to the U.S. was "We (The U.S.S.R.) will bury you". It just goes to show you, what you believe is the truth today, won't necessarily be the truth tomorrow.
Friends & Lovers
Heeeeeeeerrrrrrreeeeeeee's Cheri!
Here's a picture of Patty N. playing "The Kal's Pals Board Game" during a break at Jazz Fest in New Orleans. Obviously not playing the "strip" version though.
I need a young priest.
Wake up entire house by blaring the volumn on the t.v. set.
Spill Cap'N Crunch all over the living room floor.
Run around the house shouting "Redrum, redrum"!.
Get into a fight with your big sister.
Throw up pea green goop, while your head spins round and round.
Tell your mother you are taking a nap, while you are really pouring nail polish all over her bedroom.
Recite the Lord's prayer. In Latin. Backwards.
Plug the upstairs sink with toilet paper and let the water run until it flows down into the basement.
Take your mother's good scissors and chop off half your hair.
Use a magic marker to make up your face.
Sacrifice a couple of chickens to your Dark Lord.
Kiss everyone good night and fall asleep like the perfect little Angel that you are.
Until tomorrow that is.
The Vibrator
Once, at band camp...
Taking a whiff of my own underwear.
Reading Star magazine, while smoking cigarettes, and drinking a beer.
I love to peel other people's skin after a sunburn. I would peel my own, but it is difficult to reach my back, which is where it peels off really well.
Taking alternate bites of chocolate with bites of potato chips (with a Coke to wash it down).
When I wake up earlier than anyone (harder to do now with 3 kids) I sit on the front porch and read the newspaper uninterrupted.
I do kiss my dog and cat (not on the lips) which many people find disgusting. And I enjoy watching the Howard Stern Show.
I love Pepperidge Farm Coconut Layer cake (yes, the kind in the frozen food section). I will on occassion buy it and will proceed to eat the whole thing within a day or two. I simply divide the thing into fourths and eat a quarter of the cake each sitting (snack, dessert for dinner, evening snack etc.). No one else is allowed to have any. Fortunately, Kevin (my husband) does not like coconut.
Where do I begin? Being raised Catholic just about every pleasure has an attendant guilt attached. As Carlin said about Catholicism, "They were always pushin' for pain while I was pulling for pleasure". Beyond the obvious I have ...Gym shorts with no briefs (it's a summer ritual) you got your summer breezes and just in general, it's no sweat. Bocce. I still play in a bar league down on the East Side. The older I get the more I appreciate sports where you don't even have to put down your cocktail.
I am capable of eating an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's for dinner. I perfer Cherry Garcia or the Pistachio one. Sometimes I slum and eat Hagen Daz. If I can get it, frozen custard is my passion. Also, unlike my men, I perfer my ice cream mushy.
Kevin just broke another chair.
If these aren't signs that the world is coming to an end, it's at least getting turned upside down.
(more or less)
Mary G.
October 20 1961.
Joliet, Illinois.
Freelance writer.
Chicago
Figuring out a way to make money without having to work.
Working at an advertising agency with an art director who was manic-depressive. He didn't always take his Lithium.
"Run Lola Run".
"Neither Here Nor There: Travels in Europe by Bill Bryson".
Chocolate.
MJ (as in Mary Jane, not Michael Jordan).
This guy from Paris who takes in stray cats and trains them to preform these magnificent tricks. He performs every year in Las Vegas.
My animals: Roscoe the cat, Riely the dog, and Geronimo the bird.
Tall.
Gertrude Jekyll (a famous English gardener).
Halloween. I love candy.
Being outside with friends, drinks and food.
Owning a farm and taking in unwanted animals (no reptiles though).
Arrogance.
I would have more patience.
Making brownies from a box.
Trying to catch a foul ball at Wrigley Field. Three of my fingers were in splints for two weeks.
You're never dealt anything you can't handle.
Purchasing a house with Tom (my husband).
Gardening.
Sincere, impatient, animal-loving.
I first met Mary years ago, when her husband Tom brought her to a party on one of their first dates. I embarrassed the hell out of Tom by talking about our trip to Summerfest the previous weekend where Tom, and the rest of us got pretty damn drunk.
Mary and Tom