Next March I turn 40, so I guess it's time for me to get serious and start thinking about my retirement.
Now the only things I have going for me as far as assests are concerned, are a couple thousand comic books and a huge excess of testosterone. Sure, the comics could net me a nice chunk of dough, but no where near the kind of dough I need to retire. So I think my future lies in my nuts. Literally.
Here's my plan...
I'm going to start a commune consisting of me and 10 women. Now for the next ten years I will have one child with each of my ten women, so that in ten years from now I will have fathered 100 children.
Are you with me so far?
By the time I turn 62, the first batch of kids will be 22 and just starting their careers. Each of these kids will then give to me $100 a month. $100 x 10 = $1000, x 12 months = $12,000.
So the first year I'll only make $12,000, but I'll also have my Social security, various inheritances from my Aunts and Uncles, (who when you get right down to it, like me more than they do their own kids) and the little investments I do have, all of this adds up to a nice little chunck. The first year will be kind of tight, but I'll make it.
Now by the time I'm 67, 50 of my kids will be sending me money. That comes to $60,000 a year! Now that's some good retirement money! Even factoring in inflation. But where my plan really kicks butt is at age 72 when I'll be raking in $120,000 a year, tax free money!
Suckers! Eat your heart out!
Now I know what you're thinking..."What about the expense of supporting all those kids and women to begin with?" Well this is why I set this all up as a commune dummy. Half the women will work and half will raise the kids. The details of who does what I'll leave to the women, they can be real resourceful when they have to be.
Anyway, that's my plan and I'm sticking to it. In fact, I'm getting started on it as soon as possible. So if any of you ladies out there are interested, you know how to reach me.
I'll be waiting for your call.
Important Stuff About Friends & Lovers
Laurie F. got a new job, and her and Eddie bought a new house. New job, new house, getting married. Talk about your gal on the go.
Bernie L. & Robin K. bought a new house too. They moved up into my hood; so I'm sure that they'll be inviting me over for dinner quite often. Right kids? Right? Good.
I went out to Beth & Barry'shouse for their annual Oscar party. Holy shit! The place is a mansion! I got lost just trying to find the bathroom. I finally couldn't hold it any longer and had to pee in one of Beth's potted plants. So much for the Hydrangeas.
And speaking of the Oscar's, what do you get when you cross Jerry Lewis with Chico Marx? Well nothing really because medical science has progressed that far yet. But if we could cross Jerry and Chico I tell you what we wouldn't get. We wouldn't get Roberto Begini. Sit Roberto, before I kick your silly ass.
The Foster family ; Eric, Kim, Lizzie & Jim, not Tom & Pam who I never hear from, just finished their huge family room. Work porgresses on little Jim's room.
Heard from the Hoffman, clan recently. They got a Golden Retriever a year ago (you know I'm a sucker for goldens). Jim coached b-ball for one of the boys, Jenny directed and acted in another play, and life is just fine and dandy in Burlington Wisconsin.
That wild woman Linda O., took her kids to see n'sync at the Rosemont Horizon. The funny thing is, she liked it. Linda has since become something of an n'sync groupie, going as far as leaving Kelly and the kids for weeks on end so that she can follow these young boys from city to city. Apparently, Linda learned nothing from the Mary Kay LeTourneau tragedy.
Laura Skaski. got engaged. E.I.E.I.O. This has nothing to do with Old MacDonald.
Brad L. went to Club Med and once again had a grand time.
Dr. Jeff. went to Miami. He also had a grand time.
Baby. Boom!
Vicky & Dan O. are expecting their first child. Being the big movie fan that she is, Vicky has decided to name the baby Gene Siskel if it's a boy, and Jean Siskle, if it's a girl. Of course, I could be wrong about that.
Last month's featured person, Rene V.and her husband Doug are also expecting their first child. Everybodies getting laid but me.
Not to be out done...Rene's old co-worker Joanne Muehlschegal (yes, it's a mouthful) and her husband Scott are pregnant too. What the hell is going on here!? Joanne, Scott, may I make a suggestion on a name for the baby? Go with something simple; like Ann or Joe. It's bad enough that the kid won't be able to spell it's last name until it's 15; don't make it any harder.
And they call it puppy love.
Monica & Chris M. got a new puppy...a Golden Lab named Holly. It has Monica's coloring and Chris' ears.
And finally Mark & Elise G. got a new puppy too. Elsie finally gave in and got Mark a Chocolate Lab. They named her Mojoand she's adorable; though I think she's trying Elise' patience a little bit.
Brand Names
I was watching the sitcom "The King of Queens" the other night, when one of the sidekick characters said something to the effect that there was once a real person named Chef Boy-ar-dee, to which the star of the show replied by saying that no such person ever existed and that the person who said it was stupid for even thinking that there was.
Well I have a bone to pick with the writers of "The King of Queens", because there was indeed a real Chef Boy-ar-dee.
Hector Boiardi was an Italian immigrant who was a Chef at New York's Plaza Hotel in the 1920's. Hector thought that American's didn't know enough about Italian food and he made it his mission to educate them. Hector changed the spelling of his name, spelling it phonetically to make it easier for the average American to pronounce, and began bottling his famous Italian meals to sell all around New York. A few years later he cut a huge deal with A & P Grocery stores and Chef Boy-ar-dee meals were appearing on kitchen tables all across America. Hurray for Beef-a-roni!!!
Many of the products we have come to love are named after actual people, and though there is no Betty crocker, there was an Aunt Jemima. Sort of. Chris Ruth was a pancake loving Missourian who came up with the idea of pre-mixed pancake batter. Though the product was of the highest quality, it sold poorly, mostly because of it's boring plain brown-bag packaging. Ruth knew he needed to spice up his product somehow. One evening in 1889 Ruth went to a local vaudeville show where two minstrels in black face (hey, it was 1889, what did you expect? Political correctness?) were preforming a song dressed as Southern female chefs. They were singing a song titled "Aunt Jemima". Well Ruth loved this image and basically stole it for his packaging. Sales increased. In 1893, Ruth had a booth (Hey that rhymes!) at the Chicago World's Fair. He wanted his booth to be manned by the "real" "Aunt Jemima". Searching around Chicago's professional cooks, he found Nancy Green who agreed to become Aunt Jemima. Mrs. Green served more than 1 million pancakes at the fair, and continued to tour the country as Aunt Jemima until her death in 1923 at the age of 89.
Duncan Hines was real too, though he never baked a cake in his life. Hines published a pocket sized guidebook in 1936 of the best roadside restaurants in America. With the automobile craze of the 30's kicking into high gear, Hines book was a runaway success. It was estimated that every car in America had a copy of the Hines guide in the glove comparment. A "Recommended by Duncan Hines" sign in your resturant window was a guarantee of business from road weary travelers looking for a decent meal. Enter Roy Park, a New York business man who was starting a line of baked goods to sell to American housewives. Park surveyed these housewives trying to find a trusted food authority to endorse his new line. He found that hands down, Hines was his man. Hines and Park signed a deal. Hines' name turned out to be so respected that within only 3 weeks of introducing their line of cake mixes, Duncan Hines captured 48 percent of the market share.
I could go on forever...Uncle Ben? Yes. Mrs. Butterworth? No. Captain Crunch? No. Colonel Sanders? Yes.
Now if you'll excuse me, my lunch is cooking, and I don't want to burn my Beef-a-roni.
Now I'm Pissed!
Before you read this, read the article above. Don't worry, I'll wait for you...o.k., you done? Good. Now I'm really pissed! The aforementioned sitcom The King of Queens stars a big fat guy named Kevin James. For those of you who don't know, James is my middle name, and "Kevin James!" is what my mother calls me when she's mad at me. Especially after I've made some kind of off color remark in her presence. So needless to say, I've spent most of my life responding to "Kevin James".
Anyway...Big fat guy?...Kevin James?...Funny? This fat bastard has my sitcom! That should be me sandwiched between Cosby and Everybody Loves Raymond! And now that I think about it Everybody Loves Raymond is about a goofy guy named Ray you has an incredibly understanding wife. Uncle Ray! CBS is ripping you off too! Okay maybe that's a stretch because a show about my Uncle Raymond would probably be called Everybody Puts Up With Raymond, but that's besides the point. CBS you'll be hearing from our lawyer. Nobody screws two guys in our family at the same time and gets away with it!
WOMEN!
Women kill me. For a number of reasons, but one of the biggest is "showers". Not the cleansing or golden kind, but the wedding and baby kind.
Never in my life have I heard a woman say anything good about going to a shower that she herself is not throwing. This can't be a big secret to you women because you all do it. But girls I got news for you; whenever you give a shower for someone, all your other friends are bitching about it. You know it's true, because as soon as
Showers are a very huge way that men and women differ. First off, if men had showers, we'd have the guts to send out the invites ourselves. Of course the invite would be something like "Hey dude! I'm out of beer so I'm having a shower. I'm registered at Sam's Liquors".
But that's a moot point because men would never have showers. Or we'd have one, and that would be it. The first guy would have his shower, then someone else would try it and we'd all go "Screw him. He's an asshole." and that would be the end of the male shower.
Recently women have discovered that they can share the misery of these showers so they've started this new phenomenon...the couples shower. Boy's its one thing if you're the groom or expecting father; you have to and should attend the shower, but to make some poor slob friend of yours spend a perfectly good Sunday afternoon eating cucumber sandwiches because your woman thinks it's a good idea; well pal, that goes way beyond whipped.
So you women can talk about how dumb we men are, you can send us all the stupid e-mail jokes you want about men being idiots, but; the bottom line is this; if a man is miserable doing something, he stops doing it, whereas if a woman is miserable doing something, she brings as many people down with her as she can .
Junk Drawer
Before Paul Simon recorded his hit song "Mrs. Robinson", the original lyrics were "Where have you gone Mrs. Roosevelt? A nation turns it's lonely eyes to you." But after thinking about it for awhile Paul made the change from Mrs. Roosevelt to Joe DiMaggio. He just thought that DiMaggio conjured up a better mental image. Not that Eleanor wasn't a striking woman.
And I quote...
Science!
Scientists in Japan want to clone a Wooly Mammoth. Like something out of "Jurassic Park", a couple of Japanese scientists believe that they can clone a living Wooly Mammoth from frozen Mammoth remains they found in the Siberian tundra.
"It's been thousands of years since one of these humongus, hairy monsters has roamed the planet." said one of the cloners. Obviously these guys have never seen me in the shower.
Kal's Pals Trivia
Which Kal's pal once got out of a speeding ticket by telling a cop that she thought she was being followed home from work by a stalker?
Linda O.
The Special
Similarities between
Princess Leia...
Darth Vader...
Jaba the Hut...
Luke Skywalker...
Darth Maul...
Star Wars Diary
Like thousands of people across the country I anxiously await the opening of the new Star Wars movie: Episode One: The Phantom Menace. And also like many of these people I wanted to be one of the first in line to see it. Gathering my resolve, my sleeping bag and a backpack full of supplies, I took a leave of absence from work and camped out downtown to wait for tickets to go on sale for the most awaited movie ever. The following is my diary of the 30 days I waited in line.
Day One: I'm here! I can hardly believe it! This is so cool, and there's only 5 people ahead of me in line. One short guy is dressed up like Yoda, and another guy is made up like Darth Maul. Everybody seems pretty cool and we're all excited as hell. This is so much cooler then the time I did "Hands across America".
Day Two: The news crews came by last night from all the t.v. stations in town (even the Spanish one that Mike works for). I started doing my Darth Vader imitation and was on Channels 5 & 7. I would have been on Mike's station too, but I didn't know how to say "May the Force be with you" in Spanish. Oh well.
Day Seven: Turns out the "Darth Maul" was wanted for armed robbery in Michigan. He thought that standing in line with his face made up would be the best place to hide from the law. He messed up when he tried to rob one of the "Storm Troopers" in line who was an off-duty cop. "Yoda" still won't tell anybody his real name or take off his mask.
Day Ten: It rained last night. Shared my plastic tarp with a chick dressed up as "Princess Leia" in the gold bikini. It's not as good as it sounds. This chick would have made a better "Jabba the Hut". At least she kept me warm.
Day Fifteen: Yoda crapped his pants last night. Talk about the "Dark Side". It was a blessing though despite the mess, because now he had to leave.
Day Sixteen: I may be getting delirious but Jesus appeared today. He can get in line like everybody else.
Day Eighteen: I really stink.
Day Twenty: A bunch of frat boys drove by last night and pelted us with eggs. I have infection in my right eye. My supplies are running low. But, I'm still going to do this. I will not falter! "Use the Force Kevin". I will Obi Wan, I will.
Day Twenty Two: Princess Leia is starting to look good to me.
Day Twenty Five: I've been living on aerosol cheese and crackers for 6 days now. But only 5 more days until the event of the century!
Day Twenty Six: Did it under the tarp with Princess Leia last night. She kept yelling "Do me Wookie style, do me Wookie style"!! I have gone over to the "Dark Side". Forgive me Obi Wan.
Day Twenty Seven: I Haven't used the bathhroom in three days. I think it's all that aerosol cheese.
Day Twenty Eight: I really, really stink.
Day Twenty Nine: Tomorrow's the day! I can hardly wait! My stomach is killing me, but I'm determined.
Day Thirty: Well I got my ticket. My stomach exploded just as the movie started; I barely made it to the can in time. I spent two hours in the toilet. The theater manager found me on the bathroom floor having a seizure. I was rushed to the hospital where I spent 7 days being treated for dysentery, dehydration, malnutriton and crabs. Damn that Princess Leia. But on the plus side..."Titanic" was on cable the whole week I was recovering. May the Force be with you.
Me, Darth Vader, and the Mexican Independence Day Parade
My father once had a Mexican American friend who owned a costume shop. One year in order to promote said shop, this friend put together a float for the Mexican Independence Day Parade. The parade was a natural marketing ploy for him, it was in early October, right before Halloween and everyone on the float was going to be dressed in costumes from "Return of thr Jedi" which was the hot movie at the time.
I being the biggest guy our friend knew, was asked to dress up as Darth Vader. "Sure" I said rather calmly "Why not". Actually I was pretty excited by this opportunity; anybody who's ever heard my Darth Vader imitation knows that I have a certain love for the Dark Lord, and now here was my chance to ham it up as Lord Vader, in the full costume, in front of an audience. I was pretty pysched. What can I say, I'm a geek.
So I get all dressed up. I put on the black costume. Leather gloves, knee high leather boots, metal and plastic chest plate, heavy wool cape and top it off with the huge black plastic helmet.
It was very warm for a fall afternoon; clear and sunny with a temp in the high 70's. I was having a great time standing on the float, waving my lightsabre around, striking terror into the hearts of everyone on the parade route. But after about an hour of riding on this float in my 20 pounds of black wool, leather and plastic, the fantasy started to wear a little thin. Soon I started to feel light headed and the next thing I know, I pass out. Fortunately for me my fall was broken by an 8 year old dressed up as Yoda. Unfortunately for Yoda, my light sabre ended up wedged up his ass.
Some Jedi master huh?
Viva Mexico
Who the Hell are You!?
Name:
Birthday:
Birthplace:
Occupation:
Current Home:
Working On:
Worst Job Experience:
The Last Good Movie I Saw:
The Book I've Been Reading:
Favorite Pig Out Food:
Nickname:
Favorite Performer:
Prized Possession:
People always think I'm:
I'd give anything to meet:
Favorite Annual Event:
A really great evening to me is:
My Fantasy Is:
The One Thing I Can't Stand is:
If I Could Change One Thing About Myself:
I'm Really Good At:
My Most Irrational Act:
If I've Learned One Thing In Life It's:
Major accomplishment:
Hobbies:
Three words that best describe me:
Kevin Connection
David T. has always been a great friend, doing everything from stealing art supplies for me in college, to helping me run a Haunted House every year for my old church. Whenever I need help with a project, I know there's always a source to turn to...good ol' David T.
Favorite David T. Moment
annnddddd...
Having to drag David T. and Mike B. out of a porn shop because they were both fascinated with the porn mags featuring pregnant women.
It's the ever present
bad picture of Cheri!
I just thought the rhythm fit.
Unless of course that's what we paid for.
part one
(more or less)
Star Wars Section!!!!
Kevin & characters from Star Wars
makes love to Han Solo.
Kevin...
makes love to his hand...solo.
hides his deformed, bald head under a helmut.
Kevin...
hides his deformed, bald head under a baseball cap.
is a large, slug-like creature that makes bikini clad women dance for him.
Kevin...
is a large, slug-like creature that pays bikini clad women to dance for him.
knows how to handle his lightsabre.
Kevin...
knows how to handle his "lightsabre".
is a Lord of the Sith.
Kevin...
Oh Lord!!! Once had the siph!
Day Five: The McDonalds across the street has band all "lineys" (as they call us) from their restrooms. It seems "Yoda" has a very bad digestive problem and made quite a mess last night.
Day Twelve: Yoda is really bugging me. He keeps asking to borrow money, and when I tell him no, he tells me that I've gone over to the "Dark Side".
David T. H.
July 17, 1960.
Chicago, Illinois.
Graphic artist in Elgin for R.R. Donnelly Digital Media.
Elk Grove Village
David T., Nobody, Mike and...a skinny beardless Kal.
My casino token collection.
Repairing computers.
(Dammit, I'm a designer not an engineer!).
"The Wedding Singer".
"Teach Yourself HTML In 24 Hours".
Egg Foo Young.
David T.
Tommy Overstreet.
Autographed trading card of Twin Peak's "Killer Bob" (Frank Silva).
David T. & Batman! Adam West
Too intense.
Shannon Smith of the Home Shopping Network.
The Chicago Comicon.
Drinking beer and surfing the net (yes I'm married).
Playing the part of "Rusty" in Andrew Lloyd Webber's Starlight Express.
Dishonesty.
I wouldn't take things personally.
Picking the slowest checkout line in a grocery/department store.
Mike, Kevin, David T. and ????
Sorry, too many repercussions if it got out.
TRUST NO ONE!
Meeting George Takei.
Comic and card collecting, building resin model kits.
Good, fast, cheap.
David T. and I met in college where we were both studing graphic design. We soon discovered that we had many mutual interests; among them comic books and making fun of our fellow students. David T. and I spent much of our college careers drawing super heroes, tormenting other students and drinking. Not a big difference between my grade school and college careers when you stop to think about it.
There's two actually. Back in college David T. made a beer run for a party we were at. He had to walk back a mile or so from the store, in the freezing cold with three cases of beer. When he walked in (non too happy) Dave S. asked him for a beer...which David T. whipped at his head. The can smashed into the wall next to Dave S.' head. Nobody was hurt, but the look on Dave's face was priceless.