Dear Penthouse letters, I never used to believe these stories until the other night...oops. Sorry. Wrong letter.
Anyway, I was reading in Cranes Business News last month that Chernin's Shoes is looking to merge with another shoe store chain.
This is an attempt to boast sales, not only in Chernin's, but in the entire shoe industry, which according to the article is seeing a drastic drop in sales all over the U.S.
I have a question for you. How can the entire shoe industry see a drop in sales? One or two chains I could see, but the entire shoe industry? What are people wearing on their feet? Cardboard boxes? Is everyone going barefoot all of a sudden and I just haven't noticed? Have we become a nation full of street urchins and hillbillies? I don't know about you, but I don't see a whole lot of barefoot people running around; and believe me, with a foot fetish like mine, I'd notice.
I'm just puzzeled by this. The population keeps growing, and umless I'm mistaken, most of the people in the U.S. still have their feet, so how can shoe sales be dropping? I know it's not because someone has invented a longer lasting shoe, or a new shoe subsitute. So what's the problem? How can an entire nation suddenly stop buying a product as essential as shoes? Especially in this economy. That would be like saying that food sales are down over the entire country. We need shoes! Shoes are good for us dammit! I sure as hell know I don't want to see you running around barefoot. Not with your bunnions and toe nail fungus. No thank you. What's wrong with you? Have some dignity people, put your shoes back on. This isn't the "60's" anymore, you damn hippies.
And remember...No Shoes! No Service! Dammit!
Important Stuff About Friends & Lovers
Well my cousin Monica got married. It was a lovely wedding. People ate, drank, danced and generally had a good wedding kind of time. Me? Of course I had a good time. When haven't I ahd a good time at a wedding? Oh yeah; October 20th 1984. I forgot.
Pete P. has moved. He's living downtown in some kind of swank bachelor style loft. He also bought a new Harley. All he needs now are a sidekick and a pretty secretary and he can become some kind of t.v. show private detective. "Pete P. Greektown Private Eye. Ouzo in one hand. Uzi in the other."
La dee da...mmmmm...La dee da...oh sorry, just daydreaming there for a second.
You'll all be pleased to know that Cheri just finished reading "The Diary of Ann Frank", and now know how it ends.
She also started a new job.
I know last issue I said I'd give Cheri a break for a while and use someone else's photo. I lied. Sorry Cher.
Ed G. turned 30. Happy birthday Eddie.
Ed O. is taking a job in New Jersey. Sorry Ed.
Pete & Joan S. have decided that enough is enough. Pete under went a vasectomy.
Mike & Liane B. just purchased Mike's parent's old house. Mike wanted to keep it in the family.
Dave K. had chest pains and checked himself into the hospital. Turns out it was just stress related; but scary none the less. Everybody! Right now! Drop that donut you're eating.
Brad L. went to Club Med and had a hell of a good time. So good a time in fact, that he's already planning on going back next year. And I know the question you're asking yourself; and that's something you're going to have to ask Brad the next time you see him.
Mark & Elsie tied the knot in October, from all accounts it was a beautiful wedding. It's a beautiful story really; these two started out as friends then 5 years later they decided they're in love and got married. excuse me, I seem to have something in my eye. Sniff, sniff.
I went to Vegas and all I got was this crummy call girl.
I know what you're thinking , "Kevin in Vegas?! My God! Lock up the show girls and put a limit on the free drinks! That boy must have run wild." Wrong! I know you're going to be shocked by this, but I pretty much thought Vegas sucked. There were some highlights though. I was "comped" into Siegfried & Roy (thank you Brenda) which was fun. Not because I enjoyed the cheesey show, but because I got to make fun of the act with my buddy
Bill B. Most of the people I hung out with were fun; most of the time, and I did enjoy all the women walking around in their boosted up tops. It's always nice to stare at an ample bosoms. But overall Vegas just wasn't what I thought it would be. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being tops, I rate my time there as a 4.5
I think part of the problem was that I was there way too long (a whole week). Also, I think I used up all my luck in the car crash, because I lost at everything big time. The only time I won anything was when I gave Lori some chips and she won big at roulette, and she kept all the chips. So you can keepVegas. I think I'll stick to someplace with a little more action and my kind of fun. Next year; it's the Wisconsin Dells all the way!
Filler
It's a Girl!!!
Number of days until the next conception...?
From September 7th to the 11th it was "Jag-a-thon" on CBS!
I got news for CBS, every week is a "Jag-a-thon" at my house.
Cheap eats with Chef Eddie
The Big Man asked me to write up some kind of recipe for dinner that costs less than $20. How could I refuse; because if I, did he would write something salacious about yours truly. This recipe may
look complicated, but it really isn't. I did my shopping at "Whole Foods" (not to shill for any one store, but you can buy a lot of vegtables by the piece there). You veg-heads can delete all meat and seafood and subsitute vegtable stock for chicken stock. Well here's edition one of "CHEAP EATS with CHEF EDDIE".
Curried Couscous Paella
1 leek - rinsed & diced
In 8 qt. stock pot, heat oil over medium to high heat, add garlic and ham. Stir & cook 5 minutes; add chicken, chicken sausage, carrots, leeks, egg plant, zuchini, mushroom, red pepper and curry; saute over medium heat for 10 minutes.
Add chicken stock & clams; bring to boil.
When stock boils, add shrimp & lower heat to simmering for 1 minute. Add calamari, salt , pepper, lemon juice & couscous; stir well.
Cover & remove from heat.
Let sit 15 minutes Fold in tomato, olives & basil.
Dish into large bowls & top with crumbled feta. Enjoy!
The Semi Annual
Similarities between
Mark McGwire...
Mark McGwire...
Mark McGwire...
Mark McGwire...
Mark McGwire...
Mark McGwire...
Baseball Geek 101
I shook the hand of Ernie Banks the other day, which was a HUGE thrill for me.
For all you non-baseball fans out there, Mr. Banks was one of the best players to ever play the game, a Hall of Famer who played his whole career with the Cubs. Ernie is known as "Mr. Cub" because of his undying loyalty to the National League Franchise of Chicago.
Ernie is one of my heroes, so much so that I even dressed up as him for Halloween one year. This wasn't a very politically correct costume, seeing as how Mr. Banks is African American and to look like him I had to cover my self in "black face". What do you want from me? I was only ten at the time, and the costume sure netted me a lot of candy. So there.
Now you can believe what you want to about Sammy's skill, dedication and determination, but in my mind, the only reason Sammy got back on track and hit those homers was because he shook my hand. And I'll go to my grave claiming the credit for this.
As a matter of fact, I'm also the reason Sammy got MVP this year; also why the Cubs did so well: and for that matter, why the stock market has been so hot.
Sammy Sosa's Balls
Kelly O. took his kids to see the Cubs play the Milwaukee Brewers up in Milwaukee. They got there early, like the good baseball fans that they are, to watch the players practice. When Sammy Sosa was finished practicing he started throwing balls into the stands for the fans. Kelly's daughter Mallory (a future heart breaker if there ever was one) called out "Mr. Sosa, may I please have a ball?" Well Sammy was stunned by the politeness of this young girl and tossed a ball up to her. Suddenly, some jerk reaches out in front of Mallory and grabs the ball before she could. Sammy of course saw this, and what does he do? He signals for the crowd left of Mallory to move to their left, then he shoos the people on her right side over to their right, and when Mal was all alone in the middle he tossed her another ball. That Sammy, what a guy.
Junk Drawer
The inventor of the brassiere was Otto Titzlinger.
I shit you not.
And I quote...
Science!
Scientists have found that the phermones that men give off actually have a calming effect on women. Women who are around a lot of men tend to be happy, while women who are never around men have a greater tendacy to be "crabby". The bigger the man, the more phermones he pumps out.
Which leads me to this question...exactly what the hell was the problem with my ex-wife then!?
Kal's Pals Trivia
Which Kal's Pal has every episode of Hill Street Blues on video tape?
Me. Okay go ahead, call me a dork.
Who the Hell are You!?
Name:
Birthday:
Birthplace:
Occupation:
Current Home:
Working On:
Worst Job Experience:
The Last Good Movie I Saw:
The Book I've Been Reading:
Favorite Pig Out Food:
Nickname:
Favorite Performer:
Prized Possession:
People always think I'm:
I'd give anything to meet:
Favorite Annual Event:
A really great evening to me is:
My Fantasy Is:
The One Thing I Can't Stand is:
If I Could Change One Thing About Myself:
I'm Really Good At:
My Most Irrational Act:
If I've Learned One Thing In Life It's:
Major accomplishment:
Hobbies:
Three words that best describe me:
And in closing...
Neighbors of his include Oscar Wilde, Gertrude Stein, Alice B. Toklas, Chopin and Paul Sarte among others. It seems the burial plots at Le Pere Lachaise are leased, not purchased, and Morrison's lease expires in 2001.
The caretakers of the cemetary aren't sure if they want to renew Jim's lease because they're sick of the mess visitors to his grave leave behind. Caretakers complain that cigarettes, beer bottles, albums, panties and condoms are constantly being left behind.
What's the big deal? It sounds like just another Saturday night at my parents house to me.
Both Peters are doing fine.
Plans are for them to move into it sometime around the new year.
Congratulations Mary Kay!
Greetings Pal o' Kal,
Serves 4:
Prep time: 30 minutes;
Cook time: 30 minutes;
1 carrot - cut in half & diced
1/2 red pepper - diced
3/4 lb. mushrooms - quarted
1 small zucchini - cut in half & sliced
1 small Japanese eggplant - cut in half & sliced
3 - 4 cloves garlic minced
6 small calms - scrubbed
1/4 lb. calamari - cleaned & sliced
6 pieces of small shrimp - peeled & deveined
3/4 lb. chicken breast - cut into 1" x 1" pieces
4 oz. chicken sausage cut into 1/2" slices
8 oz. ham - cut into 1/2" x 1/2" x 1 1/2" slices
1 tbs. curry powder
2 oz. olive oil
1/4 tsp. ground pepper
2 tsp salt
juice of 1/2 lemon
14 oz unsalted chicken stock or broth
one and one half cup couscous
16 kalamanta olives - pitted & chopped
1/2 tomato - diced
1/4 oz basil - julienned
2 oz. feta cheese - crumbled
Baseball page
Kevin & Mark McGwire
is a big, Irish guy with a beard.
Kevin...
is a big, Irish guy with a beard.
is called "Big Mac" by his thousands of adoring fans.
Kevin...
has devoured thousands of Big Macs.
broke Roger Marris' record.
Kevin...
broke Betty Johnson's cherry.
has hit out of Wrigley Field.
Kevin...
has been thrown out of Wrigley Field.
loves Busch Stadium.
Kevin...
insert your own bush joke here.
hit 70 in '98.
Kevin...
had 69 in '98.
On Friday morning, September 11th, I shook the hand of Sammy Sosa. Up until that day Sammy had been stuck on 58 home runs. Later that day, Sammy broke his slump and hit home run 59 and continued to hit homeruns until he ended up with the fantastic number of 66.
(more or less)
Such a pretty girl.
Colleen O.
January 4, 1965.
Sioux Falls, South Dakota.
Customer Automation Consultant for FedEx.
(Kevin would like to believe I feed the FedEx monkeys).
Sioux Falls, South Dakota.
Reducing my intake of refinded carbohydrates.
Working midnight to noon at a plastics factory.
"As Good As It Gets"..
"Venus in Spurs. The secret female commitment".
By Sheila Gillooly.
Colleen & somebodies baby, all I know is it's not mine.
Or is it?
There was that one night....
My mom's chocolate cake with fudge frosting.
Kino (pronounced Keno).
The late Frank Sinatra.
My wonderful friends and family.
A nut (I went through this with my mom & sister to see if they knew my response and they said "bitch").
Trouble brewing.
My future husband.
Fall Vegas trip.
Good food, cold beer, great friends and lots of laughter.
My fantasy...Colleen with handcuffs.
Frisk me baby!
Having a date on New Year's Eve.
Dishonesty.
My lack of career direction.
Choosing the best thing on the menu and giving a massage.
The whole family in Disney World.
I moved from Chicago to Sioux Falls to live with my mom sister & three nephews - need I go futher? (I'm very lucky they tolerate me).
Life's too short to live in a state of agitation.
Choosing really good friends.
Sports (watching/doing), watching CNBC.
Rockin' good time.
The remains of famed rock star Jim Morrison of "The Doors" are buried at the famed Le Pere Lachaise Cemetary in France.