Lately there's been a lot of concern about my scrotum.
In an attempt to lose weight and get my sorry looking ass back into some semblence of a human body, I've started riding my bike. I like bike riding. I like it alot. As most of you know, my knees are for shit, so running is out of the question. Walking is just so damn boring, and the disco beat of the "Step master" tape I was using was driving me crazy. Riding is a great workout and it's fun. I love the feeling you get as you go whipping down the bike path, the wind in your hair (that's if I had hair) it's almost like flying. I try to go riding at least 4 times a week for 40 minutes a ride. It's a blast.
Anyway, back to my scrotum. It seems 20/20 or Dateline or one of those news magazine shows had a feature about men who do a lot of bike riding going impotent. It seems that the way men sit on their bike seats puts an undo amount of pressure on their scrotums. This causes an artery that supplies blood to the penis to collapse, resulting in the male having problems in the erection department.
A number of my friends saw this feature and called me up to warn me about the danger I was putting myself in. I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone for their concern, but rest easy people, my scrotum is fine. All parts are in fine working order and very operational. I'm pleased to announce that every morning when I wake up I still have to do the old "boner bend" to take a whiz. If you don't believe me, I'd be glad to give you a demonstration.
But you know me, at the first sign of trouble the old Schwinn gets tossed on the garbage heap. Losing weight is one thing, losing "Lil' Kevin" is another thing entirely.
Important Stuff About Friends & Lovers
I always forget to thank my sister Linda for proof-reading the last few issues. She's the reason you don't see any more mistakes. And you thought I was just getting smarter. Ha! Thanks Lip.
Mike T. was in a meeting with the folks from Armour Swift-Eckrich, talking to them about a video he's writing about "ham". And though he was in a corporate setting, he was immediately reminded of all his very non-corporate friends at American eagle. "Gee...maybe it was because I was in a room full of women who are comfortable using the word "boner" in a sentence!" "FYI, a "boner" is a guy who debones hams. That would look great as a title on a business card; don't you think? Thanks for the info Mike.
I know last issue I said I'd give Cheri a break for a while and use someone else's photo, but I lied. Sorry Cheri. Cheri by the way went out west for her vacation this year. From June 30th, to July 7th, Cheri was touring the wild West with some friends. EEHA! Ride 'en Cheri!
Dave S. shares this little New Orleans story with us:
"When I was in "Nawlins" in March for our annual meeting, I had perhaps my most interesting cab ride. 3 co-workers and I were leaving Mardi Gras World and flagged down a cab to take us back to the Quarter. The driver stopped for cigarettes, dropped them off at his house, started pulling away, then went back for the photo album of his kids, almost drove inot the river as he was trying to show us where we were on the map, backed up for three blocks in the Quarter when he missed the restaurant we were going to, and gave us a running infomercial about celebs who were maimed by the plexiglass dividers in cabs. Why did we make no complaint? The first thing he did when he started his spiel about cab driver security was pull a short-barreled .44 out from under his ass and displayed it to us. Only in America". Dave "I AM THE NRA" S.
Thanks Dave. Dave's family just moved by the way. They bought a house and have moved to Elgin.
Gil & Susie N. welcomed a new member to their family. On June 28th at 2:53 a.m. little Christian Alfredo was born, weighing in at 7 lbs. 5 oz. and 19 1/2 inches long. We hope he has his mothers looks; and her brains too for that matter.
Linda & Dave K. went out to L.A. for a week. Dave went out on business and Linda went out for the hell of it. Linda went to a taping of "The Tonight Show" and guess who was a guest? No less than the Goddess herself! Marisa Tomei! Be still my heart. Also, while walking down Sunset Boulevard D & L saw the man himself, Hugh Hefner, sans P.J.'s, but with two bunnies on his arms and a bevy of bodyguards to keep the riff-raff away.
Eddie G. is quitting his job. He was the head Chef at a country club, but is sick of that gig and wants to work in a restaurant for a while. Until he finds something though he has volunteered to be my personal chef (nice guy huh?). So stop by anytime, day or night and Eddie will be glad to whip us up something tasty. Preferably something from the sausage part of the food pyramid.
And speaking of Laurie F., I was talking to her one night and she starts telling me this story about how she was talking to some lady she met and starts complaining to the woman about this killer hang nail she has, when Laurie then looks down and notices that the woman is in a wheelchair. Glad to see that sensitivity training has payed off La.
I took Lori C. (you know, my "fake girlfriend") to her first Cubs game ever. Two pathetic things come to mind about this: one is the fact that Lori has lived 3 blocks from Wrigley Field for the last 3 years and has never been to a Cubs game, the other is that I refer to Lori as my "fake girlfriend".
My cousin-in-law Paul G. sliced some of his fingers off while working on his table saw. His wife, my cousin, JoMarie, rushed hin to the hospital where they were then able to reattach the severed digits. So far, the prognosis looks good that Paul will once again have full use of his appendages. We'll keep our fingers crossed Paul. Sorry, I couldn't resist. Get well soon Paul.
Jeff, Brad, Lori, me and the O'Connor family (Kelly, Linda, Mallory, Alex, and Derek) all went downtown to watch the fireworks on the 3rd of July. This was the night of one of the worst thunderstorms I've ever seen. The O'Connor family, who were smart, left when the rain started, but Jeff, Brad, Lori and I stayed thru the whole thing and got soaked to the bone.While waiting for the storm to stop we got drunk of our butts and generally had a great time. Especially fun was the cab ride home. Our Nigerian cab driver cranked up the volume on B96, making our cab vibrate with the massive bass beat. He then drove down Lake Shore Drive taking his hands off the wheel from time to time to dance while we all guzzled down Vodka tonics from water bottles that Jeff mixed up eariler for the evenings festivities. We then met up with Kelly, Linda and kids at Lindo Mexico where we ate mexican food and drank bomber Margarita's. What a night. If that's not the way to celebrate our country's independence I don't know what is. God bless America!!!! Jeff also had a very nice 4th of July party. He invited our cab driver, but he never showed up.
Oh My God!
On Sunday morning June 28th, me and a group of my companions who had gone to Summerfest, went down to breakfast at the lounge in the beautiful Hotel Pfister (Fist her? I don't even know her. Ah, the old ones are the best ones.) What happened at that breakfast are a strange set of events which end in tragedy.
My friends and I were seated at the entrance of the lounge, near the hostess station. Soon after we sat down, a grey haired gentleman walked into the restaurant, his back was to us, but he still caught our attention. The reason for our notice was the outfit he was wearing. This man had on purple pants and a lime green sports jacket. Never one to pass up a chance to insult a stranger, I said to my compatriots, "I loved that guy in Batman", well of course everybody laughed. That's when the man turned around and I said "Doc Severson? I didn't know Doc Seversen was in the mob!" Which is an old private joke of Mikey B. But a second after I say this I realize...it really is Doc Seversen! Then of course the outfit made perfect sense.
A few minutes after this event our breakfast was served. Kent, a friend of Kevin and Renee C. got his breakfast first. Kent's breakfast came with hashbrowns and like millions of Americans that morning, Kent requested ketchup for his browns, never knowing that this one simple request would change his life forever.
I know the following facts to be true, because I was a witness to the horror that followed. Kent received the bottle of ketchup from our waiter at approximately 10:30 a.m. central time. The night before, Kent had some difficulty getting ketchup to flow freely from a bottle; fearing that same thing might happen this morning, Kent grabbed the bottle in his left hand and preceded to shake the bottle back and forth.
It was at this point that the bottle cap went sailing thru the air, followed by a stream of red, sweet, sticky ketchup that went flying across the table to splat right in the face of Renee. The bloody trail started in a big glob at the left temple of Kent, (who got hit with the ketchup from the back swing of his shaking action) went down his left arm, across the table, up the left arm of Renee and ended in a bright red splotch across the left side of her face. From the front and on the left. I repeat, from the front and on the left. That was some magic ketchup. Renee's husband Kevin, sympathetic as always, just sat there in tears (of laughter) as did the rest of us at the table. I almost wet my pants.
Conspiracy? I don't know. But notice that the word "ketchup" and the names "Kevin and "Kent" all start with "K" & "E", and that "K" & "E" are also my initials. Coincidence? Or something more? And what of the waiter who brought us the ketchup? He was of Hispanic descent. Was he Cuban perhaps? And what was Doc Seversens role in all of this? I don't know; I'm just as scared and confused as you. Just always remember this though..."The truth is out there", because it sure as hell ain't in here.
If 2 junkies have 5 grams of heroin each, how long will it take before junkie number 1 beats junkie number 2 senseless?
Recently the Chicago Board of Education implemented a guide for character education. This guide which is used by teachers in the grades 5 through 8 contains various questions and excercises designed to teach math skills, while at the same time give the kids a sense of what is supposed to be responsible behavior out in the world. One question asks: "Heroin addicts may have to steal items worth three times the cost of a daily drug habit, how much would he have to steal in one day to cover his addicition?"
Now I don't know about you, but I see a problem with this kind of teaching. I mean come on, they have their information all wrong! Everyone who has ever been a junkie knows that you'll never get one third the price of stolen goods. In my day of skin popping, I was lucky if I could get 10% from some of these cheap ass fences.
If the future lies with our children, for God's sake let's teach them right.
Lord of the Dunce
This kills me. Michael Flatley, the self titled "Lord of the Dance" has decided that he no longer wants to dance; so he's hanging up his toe shoes and picking up boxing gloves. Yep, you heard right, little Lord Michael wants to trade pirouettes for punches, jetes' for jabs and tutus for T.K.O.s.
When I first heard this I almost wet my pants. I can't wait for his first fight. I don't care how much this costs to watch on pay-per-view I'm hooking it up! This is the chance of a lifetime; I finally get to see this pretentious little asshole get his smug little face bashed in; and the best part is, he's inviting someone to do it. I mean it's not like I get to do it myself (and frankly I probably couldn't) but it is the next best thing. What's wrong with this little fucker? Too many shots of Jamieson I think. Don't get me wrong, as much of an a-hole as he is, he's in excellent shape, I think we all agree that dancing is a very strenuous artform, that requires great strenght, stamina and agility, but it doesn't require a great right hook. In all fairness Flatley was once a Golden Glove boxer; but that was years ago and way before he became a dancer.
You know there isn't a boxer in the world who is going to lose to this guy. I don't care what kind of hack, canvas eating, punk-palooka fighter you are; you are not going to want to be known as the guy who got his butt smacked by an 80's head band wearing, skinny chest But I doubt that it would ever get that far. As soon as the first bell rings, whoever gets to fight his "Lordship" is going to march straight out and tag Flatley so hard, that the only dancing going on will be the "wittle" birdies circling around his "wittle" head.
So I can't wait. Prancing around the stage being chased by little Irish girls is one thing, being chased around the ring by a middle weight fighter in jeopardy of becoming the laughing stock of the world is something else all together. It may not be a good fight, but it sure as hell is going to be entertaining.
Filler
Number of days until 204.
Do you want to see it.
As has been established in the past, I'm a comic book geek. I have a huge collection of comic books dating back to the 60's (ask Brad L. and Kevin C. about it sometimes, they're the two guys who carried all the boxes when I moved into my condo) some of these books are pretty valuable so don't laugh so hard.
Anyway, back in the 70's, Marvel Comics (the creators of Spiderman and X-Men, among others) had a popular character named "Man-thing" (he was part man and part swamp. Don't ask.). Also at this time, Marvel printed oversized books of some of their more popular characters, which they called "Giant-Sized" issues. For instance you had titles like "Giant-Sized Hulk" or "Giant-Sized Spiderman".
It should come as no surprise to anyone then, that yes, as many of you have suspected, I do indeed have a "Giant Sized Man-thing" and anyone who wants to see it knows how to contact me. Ladies, would you like to see my Giant-Sized Man-Thing.
Six Degrees of Tommy T.
I'm sure most of you have heard of the game "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon". That's the game where you try to connect Kevin Bacon to another movie star by a chain of movie stars that have worked together, using a link of six stars or less.
For example...Kevin Bacon to Audrey Hepburn. Audrey was in "Robin and Marion" with Sean Connery. Sean was in "Name of the Rose" with Christian Slater. Slater was in "Murder in the First" with Kevin Bacon. See how that works? Now the reason I bring this up is because now you too can link yourself to Kevin Bacon.
How you ask?
Through our good friend Tommy T.
You see it goes like this...you know me (well, as well as anybody knows me) I know Tom (as do a number of you) Tom knows John McNaughton, (the director of "Wild Things" "Maddog and Glory" and "Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer") and Kevin Bacon worked with McNaughton in the aforementioned movie "Wild Things".
Now as a side note to this, Tom's wife Mary and my friend Jennifer C. also know John McNaughton. So if you know Tom, Mary or Jenn, then your chain is obviously shorter.
Now wasn't that fun?
And speaking of movies...
The American Film Institute recently released their list of the greatest 100 American films (up until 1996). Their top ten were...
1. Citizen Kane
Nowhere in the top 100 did they mention
Junk Drawer
Betsy Ross and Daniel Boone are the only two Pez dispensers modeled after real people.
Pez by the way, is an abbreviation of the German word for peppermint, or pfefferminz.
And I quote...
I had a lot of good quotes this time around, so I decided to use them all this issue.
One thing I can always count on is my friends saying something goofy.
I on the other hand only spout out pearls of wisdom. So many pearls in fact that I could make a necklace. Who'd like me to give them a pearl necklace? Anyone? Please.
A recent study has shown that the Netherlands, Germany and the United States all have considerably less men than women. Less men have been born in these countries every year since the mid '60's.
So ladies, I'm not looking so bad now after all am I? Call me up, leave your name, phone number, and what kind of lingerie you own, and maybe I'll get back to you.
Kal's Pals Trivia
Which Kal's Pal once asked sisters Laurie and Holly F. out on a date; while they were both at the same party?
Eddie O.
The Special Big-Ass Accident Page
Here's the story.
June 7th was a lovely sunny Sunday; Lori, her sister Karen and I were driving home from my parents place in Wisconsin. We were just crusing down Highway 94, listening to music, making plans for the evening, minding our own business; everything was right with the world. Then...WHAM!!! Out of nowhere, this 19 year old girl going about 80 m.p.h. rammed into my SUV from behind. She hit us so hard that we went fish-tailing all over the place; the high center of gravity on my truck couldn't handle the momentum; the laws of physics kicked in and we started rolling down the highway. The car did two complete rollovers before we stopped about a foot from the drainage ditch at the shoulder. If we would have landed at the ditch, we would have rolled another 3 or 4 times and that might have been the last you ever heard from us. Anyway, we missed the ditch, we all survived by some miracle, but my car was totaled.
Lori and I were banged up pretty good with some cuts and bruises, Karen, unfortunately got her foot caught in the wreckage; she managed to pull it free, but not before her skin was scraped back to the bone. She had to have surgery to repair the damage and it will be months before her foot is back to normal.
Now I know last issue I wrote that little piece about what I wanted at my funeral, and a lot of you told me that maybe I shouldn't make jokes like that anymore. Yeah, right. It's not like this experience made me find religion or anything, I'll still be my old rude and crude self. The way I see it, if the "Big Guy" upstairs decided I was worth saving the way I am, why change? Am I right or not? Of course maybe "He" really just saved Lori & Karen and I was thrown in as part of the bargain. Now there's food for thought. Anyway, the girls and I just wanted to thank everyone for all your calls and concern, they really meant a lot.
And let's be thankful I didn't croak, because then you'd all have had to listen to Mikey sing "Danny Boy" at my wake (he took last issue's Kevitorial a little too serious) and that wouldn't have been good for anybody.
10 Positive Things About the Accident
10. Lori had major earwax build up and the rolling of the car loosened it up.
9. I was out of widow washer fluid anyway.
8. Nobody will ever show those girls a more exciting time then me ever again.
7. I lost my Chumbawamba C.D., so you won't have to hear that again.
6. Lori finally went head over heels for me.
5. Karen got lots of cool drugs.
4. No animals were hurt in the filming of this stunt.
3. It reinforces the Amish way of life.
2. I'm getting free Viagra by lying to my Doctor and telling him the crash traumatized me so much, that I can't get it up. I then turn around and sell my pills to the old guy who lives next door.
And the number one positive thing about the accident is...
Nobody crapped their pants!
A Typical Kevin Joke
Lori and I were snacking on some cookies that we brought from the cottage to eat on the ride home. We finally got to the last cookie and started arguing over who would get to eat it. This went on for about ten minutes when Karen got sick of us and said "Why don't you just flip for it".
Ba dum dum. Thank you. Thank you very much. You've been a great audience. Try the veal and don't forget to tip your waitress.
File Under Too Much Information
Not only was I not wearing clean underwear the day of the accident, (thus breaking the cardinal rule of all accidents) but I in fact wasn't wearing any underwear at all. Thank God that the gym shorts I had on held up; otherwise there would have been a hell of a lot more sick people in that E.R.
Who the Hell are You!?
Name:
Birthday:
Birthplace:
Occupation:
Current Home:
Working On:
Worst Job Experience:
The Last Good Movie I Saw:
The Book I've Been Reading:
Favorite Pig Out Food:
Nickname:
Favorite Performer:
Prized Possession:
People always think I'm:
I'd give anything to meet:
Favorite Annual Event:
A really great evening to me is:
My Fantasy Is:
The One Thing I Can't Stand is:
If I Could Change One Thing About Myself:
I'm Really Good At:
My Most Irrational Act:
If I've Learned One Thing In Life It's:
Major accomplishment:
Hobbies:
Three words that best describe me:
And in closing...
Of course he only had sex with her twice in forty-one years...she's Carol Channing for God's sake! Have you ever seen Carol Channing? If you have, you'd be surprised that he even slept with her twice.
As far as I'm concerned, the guy went way beyond his husbandly duties.
Now that I think of it though, the way my love life's been going, Carol Channing ain't looking so bad right about now.
Hello? Dolly?
They've Shot Renee!
showing, prancing leprachuan. It just ain't going to happen. Flately could have you down on the canvas, with both your eyes swollen shut and the ref counting to ten. You would say to yourself "NO WAY! THERE'S NO WAY I'M GOING TO BE KNOCKED OUT BY THE "LORD OF THE DANCE". You'd never live it down. 
Mary Kay gives birth...
2. Casablanca
3. The Godfather
4. Gone With the Wind
5. Lawrence of Arabia
6. The Wizard of Oz
7. The Graduate
8. On the Waterfront
9. Schindler's List
10. Singin' in the Rain
"German Candle Girl".
Much to Mikey B.'s dismay.
(more or less)
Science!
July 4, 1963
Linda K.
November 12, 1962.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Slave.
Arlington Heights, Illinois.
Remodeling a bathroom.
Receptionist for an employment search firm.
"The Negotiator"..
"Star Magazine". Who has time to read with two kids.
Mexican.
Little Lippy Lucy
"Lipper", "Lip", "Lippy Lucy".
Too many to mention.
My family.
Moody.
Kevin Spacey.
My birthday.
Not having to cook.
Lip and Sammy
Becoming a millionaire.
IGNORANCE.
It would be my temper.
Delegating authority.
The family1996
Restoring a Victorian house with my husband.
Don't sweat the small stuff.
Restoring a Victorian house with my husband.
Counted cross stitch sewing.
Way beyond bitch.
Star of stage and screen Carol Channing recently announced that she was divorcing her husband, because he only had sex with her twice in the last forty-one years.