I'm writing this on March 5th, the Anniversary of John Belushi's death. This got me thinkiing about all of the overweight and excessive comics who have died in the past ten years. Belushi, Sam Kinnison, John Candy and of course, Chris Farley.
There aren't that many fat, funny guys left. In fact, there's just John Goodman and me, and you never know when one of us is going to go. I mean the Grim Reaper is probably only one or two Polish sausages away. So just in case I'm the next one to croak, here's a few of the things I want at my wake.
1. Free balloons and hot dogs for all the kids.
2. In lieu of flowers, get a stripper. And not some crappy one either. Spend some bucks and get a good one. A tall blonde with big hoots would be nice.
3. A closed casket. Let's face it, I'm not that good looking alive, who knows what I'll look like dead.
4. Once I'm gone, you can kill Fredo. Oh wait that's from Godfather II.
5. Mikey B. should sing "Danny Boy" in that beautiful tenor voice of his.
6. I want all the women, as they file past my casket to whisper "I always loved you, but I never realized it until today".
Now for those of you who think I'm being sick by writing about this, relax, I have no desire to check out just yet. I haven't even procreated yet, and I don't plan on going anywhere until one of you fine ladies is carrying my child. So it's a pretty good bet that I ain't going anywhere for a long, long, time.
Important Stuff About Friends & Lovers
I grew my hair back, well as much as it grows back that is. Plus, I have a full beard again. So all you ladies who hated my other "look" can start lusting after me again. Ha!
Dave K. shaved his mustache off. Plus His wife, Linda , and daughter Samantha , both cut their hair short. There's been a lot of hair issues in their family these days.
I ran into Vicky O. at the "Jewels" the other day. Did you know that she's teaching school now? I didn't. Anyway, Vicki, keep away from those 1 year olds or I'll have to do a monthly feature on you.
I was at Navy Pier the other day, so I stopped in to see Mary S. She looked so professional, all dressed up for work, just like a grown up.
Mark G. celebrated his 30th birthday. Happy big 3.0. Mark.
Kathy K. & Colleen O. saw Eartha Kitt at O'Hare the other day. Who says my articles aren't topical.
Pete & Joan S. had baby number three, and it's a boy. Thomas John was born April 5th, weighted in at 6 lbs. 13 oz. and was 20 inches long. Pete; give Joan a break and keep it in your pants for awhile o.k?
Catalina, Beau & Alex M. also added to their family. Lucas Sebastian was born on May 21st, weighted 7 lbs., 10 oz., and was 21 inches long. Orangina for everybody!
Yes my mother, Rose made Lime Jell-o for easter. So once again my family was spared from my "naked ham dance".
Cheri
Dear Kal,
I'm a new reader to your newsletter and I was wondering...who's Cheri and why is her picture always required?
Dear Nosy,
Cheri is a very good friend of mine who really hates being mentioned and pictured in my newsletter. So then, why do I still put her picture in every issue, even though she has repeatedly asked me not to? Frankly because I can. You see, Cheri is a tiny little thing who stands 5'2' and weights less then one of my testicles. She couldn't hurt me if she tried, depsite her watching all of those Jean Claude VanDamm movies. So basically I'm being a bully and using her whenever I need to fill space in the newsletter, and believe me, I always need to fill space in the newsletter. So like it or not Cheri; you're stuck. At least until I decide to pick on someone else that is.
Hmmmmm...now that I think about it, Jeff's kind of a puny guy. Hey Cheri; take a break for awhile o.k?
The Oscars at Beth & Barry's
Beth and Barry threw their annual Oscar bash, and as always a good time was had by all. Here are some of the highlights.
Vicky O. won the "pick the winners" contest. Of the 13 categories that we picked, she got all 13 right. In a close second was Linda K., Mary G. and me, with 12 right each. I could have tied with Vicky, but me, the idiot I am, changed my best actor from Jack Nicholson to Robert Duvall. D'oh!
Bob M. made a new friend when Bailey, Beth's minature poodle decided to habe a love affair with his leg. "Love, exciting and new Come aboard, we welcome you..."
Cherididn't say a silly thing all evening. Maybe the fact that I was hovering over her with a pad and pencil to take notes made her a little cautious.
Beth's friend Patty is neighbors with a woman a had a huge crush on in High School. It's a small world people. And I take up a lot of space.
The Titantic Similarities between
Jack...
Jack...
Jack...
Jack...
Jack...
Jack...
Just thought I'd let everybody June by the way, is National "Oh my God! I'm going blind & Growing Hair on my Palms!" Month.
Well she did it again. Mary Kay Letourneau is pregnant again.
This is getting ridiculous now; mostly because in the last year, this 14 year old has been laid more times then me!
Junk Drawer
"Barbie's" full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts. "Ken's" full name is Kenneth Carson. As far as I know "G.I. Joe" & "He-Man" are just "G.I. Joe" & "He-Man".
Science!
Viagra! Hope I never need it, but I sleep easier at night just knowing it's out there. Now if I can only do something about this burning sensation when I pee.
And I quote...
Kal's Pals Trivia
Who was such a doofus, that he actually participated in "Hands Across America"?
Me, Kevin. You can stop laughing at anytime now.
Sleazy and Greasey in the Big Easy
Pam & Annie decided to hand out t-shirts to the New Orleans gang this year; so they recruited yours truly to come up with a logo design to put on them. Pam's idea was to name our group the "Krewe of the Wild Onion". A Krewe is a group of people that sponsor one of the many Madri Gras parades. "Wild Onion" or to be more exact "Place of the wild onions" is what Native Americans used to call Chicago before DuSable settled here at the corner of Michigan & Wacker Drive. Anyway this little logo was on the front of the t-shirt and on our back was a cartoon of our infamous flag. It's too big to print here, so I'll wear the t-shirt for you one day and you can see it then. Okay? All right then.
And could you Super Size that?
Bar-B-Q Turkey Leg
Then on Saturday...
Jambalaya
Here's my favorite recipe for Jambalaya, (actually it's my only recipe for Jambalaya, if you want variety call up Laurie's boyfriend, Chef Eddie) you can add chicken if you want and instead of medium shrimp, you can use small or tiny. Play around with it, have fun, after all that's what "Nawlins" is all about. Serve with a salad, bread and an ice cold beer and bay-bee you got yourself some mighty good eatin'! EEEEHHHAAA!
Jambalaya
Ingredients
2 medium onions, chopped
1 medium green bell pepper, chopped
3 stalks celery, chopped
3 medium cloves garlic, finely minced
1 lb. ham, cut into bite sized chunks
1 & 1/2 lbs. smoked sausage, cut into bite sized rounds.
2 cups long grain rice
2 large tomatoes, peeled and chopped
2 & 1/2 cups beef broth
1/2 teaspoon fresh ground black pepper
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
12 green onions
1/2 cup minced parsley
About 30 medium shrimp, cleaned and peeled
Salt and tabasco sauce to taste
In a large stock pot, melt drippings
Add onions, bell pepper, celery and garlic.
Cook until vegtables are wilted and transparent
Add ham & sausage
Stir occasionally until sausage is lightly browned
Add rice
Stir constantly until rice is golden brown
Add tomatoes
Stir until combined
Stir in broth
Add seasonings
Reduce heat
Cover and simmer until rice is tender and no liquid remains
Taste for seasoning, adjust if necessary
Add green onions, shrimp, 10 or so drops tabasco and parsley
Cover and finish cooking
Sleazy and Greasey in the Big Easy Filler
I have a little rule whenever I go to New Orleans; I can't leave until I kiss a pretty girl and punch an ugly guy. This year I killed two birds with one stone, when the girl I was making out with turned out to be a cross dresser.
One huge difference between New Orleans and Chicago is this...In New Orleans you can get many women to show you their breasts just by giving them 50 cents worth of plastic beads. in chicago on the other hand, you can buy a woman flowers, take her to a movie, drop a c-note on dinner, and you won't even get to cop a cheap over the sweater feel. And people wonder why I'm so fond of New Orleans
Big Easy Facts
In New Orleans the dead are buried above ground. Since the whole city is basically bulit ona swamp, anyone buried under ground eventually just pops back up to the surface. So all the dead are laid to rest in mausoleums above ground.
The Cajun people are descendant's of the Acadian's; these were people (primarily fishermen) who left France (for religious reasons) and settled in Nova Scottia. When the British took over Canada along with Nova Scottia, the Acadian's said "Hey Jauques, we better get oot of here. Let's go down to New Orleans where my cousin Henri lives". So the Acadians settled in the swampland of Louisiana where they could continue fishing. Over time, the name Acadian got basterdized into Cajun.
A piano player who is called a "Professor", such as in the late, great, "Professor Longhair" is a piano player that once played in a whore house. The last time I was in a whore house,instead of roses on my piano, they put tulips on my organ.
New Orleans leads the nation in morbid obesity.
Who the Hell are You!?
Name:
Birthday:
Birthplace:
Occupation:
Current Home:
Working On:
Worst Job Experience:
The Last Good Movie I Saw:
The Book I've Been Reading:
Favorite Pig Out Food:
Nickname:
Favorite Performer:
Prized Possession:
People always think I'm:
I'd give anything to meet:
Favorite Annual Event:
A really great evening to me is:
My Fantasy Is:
The One Thing I Can't Stand is:
If I Could Change One Thing About Myself:
I'm Really Good At:
My Most Irrational Act:
If I've Learned One Thing In Life It's:
Major accomplishment:
Hobbies:
Three words that best describe me:
And in closing...
Required
photo
of Cheri.
Jack Dawson (Leonardo DeCaprio)
& Kevin.
was born in Wisconsin.
Kevin...
was born in Wisconsin.
teaches a pretty rich girl how to spit.
Kevin...
gets spat on by pretty rich girls.
has a notebook filled with nude drawings of
women who have posed for him.
Kevin...
has a notebook filled with nude drawings of
women who have no idea he's done them.
has sex with his girlfriend in the back seat of a car.
Kevin...
you have to ask?
gets handcuffed to a pipe & his girlfriend swings an axe at him.
Kevin...
gets handcuffed to a bed and his girlfriend spanks him with a paddle.
meets his doom when he encounters an iceberg.
Kevin...
meets his doom when he encounters his icy ex-wife.
Written by Eric F., drawn by Kevin E.
With a great big salute to Gary Larson.
know that May was National Masturbation Month.
Lord knows I did my part.
The father of the child is once again her ex-student and 14 year old lover.
(more or less)
Once again me and a bunch of my pals traveled down to the Cresent City for the Jazz and Heritage Festival and of course had a weekend filled with booze, food, music and sex. We had a blast, here are this years highlights in a little section I call...
Laurie F. heard about this local restuarant that we all should try while we were down in New Orleans, so we all piled into cabs and went to Dookie Chase's. Dookies was located in a very rough neighborhood, and it fact, there was a murder there the night before we ate there. Being naturally curious, someone in our party asked our hostess, "Miss Viola" (a big beautiful black woman) all about the murder. Miss Viola proceeded to close the doors to the private room we were seated in and said "let me tell you all about it". It seems one of the local "Romeos" had been cheating on his wife, well the wife paged him while he was out with his girlfreind and he called her back...from the girlfriend's house, forgetting that he and the wife had caller I.D. at their place. The wife tracked this guy down to his girlfriend's house, where she was told that he was across the street at the take-out window of Dookie's. When she caught up to him, she pulled out a knife and stabbed the man 20 times. 20 times! Jeeze! She then tried to drag his bleeding ass into her car (probably to chop him up in pieces) but he was too heavy for her to lift. Anyway, she was arrested later that night, and the next day I had some delicious fried chicken. The moral of the story? I don't know; maybe it's something like...if you want to eat chicken on Wednesday, don't eat strange beaver on Tuesday?
I can't speak for anybody else, but I ate like a pig the whole weekend (big surprise there). Here's a list of the food I ate that weekend...
Cajun Sausage Sandwich
Spicy Potatoes
Spicy Corn on the Cob
Ham Po' Boy
A bowl of Gumbo
Beignets
Some girl I met in the French Quarter
Jambalaya
Fried Chicken
Pizza
Spinach Bisque
Mushrooms Stuffed with Crab
Crab Stuffed with Mushrooms
Crabs (o.k. once again that has to do with the girl I met in the French Quarter)
Spicy Meat Pie
Crawfish Pie
Fried Shrimp
Crawfish
Creole Style French Toast
and a Foot Long Lucky Dog
6 to 8 servings
2/3 cup bacon drippings or lard
Use andouille sausage if you can get it.
or lard over medium heat
(about 5 minutes)
(about 8 minutes)
(about 5 minutes)
(about 45 minutes)
(about 5 minutes)
The term "Dixie" originated in New Orleans. When New Orleans was under French rule, the $10 currency was know as a Dix. The Dix was a very stable and thus desirable currency at the time. People from all over the South wanted the Dix', because they knew with the French backing, they'd never lose their value. Dix' soon gained the nickname "Dixies", and people wanting to make a good buck, started traveling down to the "Land of Dixie" or "Dixieland".
Peeing at the beautiful Pfister Hotel, Milwaukee
Mike T.
June 5, 1963.
Dixon, Il.
(Boyhood home of Ronald Reagan)
Freelance writer.
Elmhurst, Illinois.
Being a good dad.
Teaching.
(I discovered I hate other people's kids.)
"Good Will Hunting"..
"Victoria's Secret Catalog".
Thai, Mexican and pizza.
The lovely wife: Jen
"Queef" "Buzz Heitmeyer", "Viagra-man" and various bastardizations of my last name.
David Sanborn.
My hairy ass.
Named "Tom".
Kleenex? We don't need no stinking Kleenex.
Kenny G. I'd kick him square in the plums.
My friend Steve's annual Chili fest.
Killing brain cells with my American Eagle friends.
Mike & Meg
To have really rough sex with martha Stewart.
(That goody two-shoes stuff is just an act.)
Born-agains who force their beliefs on others. Oh, what the hell. Born-agains, period.
I'd worry less.
Cunnilingus.
Oh look. A horse's ass.
Breaking a taco salad shell over Kathy K.'s head and having my scrotum pierced (these things did not coincide).
Don't take yourself too seriously.
Mike & his niece's bunny at Halloween. Don't ask.
Not having to join Alchoholics Anonymous. Yet.
Playing saxophone, sampling microbrews.
Creative, musical, twisted.
There's a grocery store near my office that has a sign in front of it stating "Everything Always Fresh!" Which is a good thing, because I don't know about you, but whenever I go into a grocery store I kind of expect everything to be fresh. But that's just me, I'm kind of kooky that way. I can't remember the last time I went into a store and said "Hey, you got any rancid hamburger today? 'Cause I got me a huge hankerin' for some E.COLI!!!"