My Aunt Maureen thinks I'm weird. She thinks that the things I write about in my newsletter are strange and perverted. This seems to be a trend; first Monica Nedved, now my Aunt.

I gotta tell you that this was starting to worry me. I started thinking that maybe I was going over the top a little too much. Maybe I should tone it down, try to write something a little more sensitive, something soft and pleasent, show a little of my feminine side. What could it hurt. Right? Maybe score some points with the ladies, show them the kinder, gentler side of Kevin and maybe next time I'm shit faced and try to slip one of them the tongue, they'd say "what the hell, he's a nice guy" and let it slide. Literally.

So I gave it a try. It was St. Valentine's Day so I decided to write a little article all about love. It was mushy, sentimental and emotional. I quoted lines from the "Titanic" and everything. It made me cry. Because it was the worst thing I've ever read in my life!

My God but it was nauseating. It made me sick. I wrote and rewrote, over and over, but no matter how hard I tried, everything always ended up sounding corny and trite. I almost puked. I'm just not that kind of a writer. I'll never try that again I pormise. Poeple who teach writing classes always say " Write what you know". I don't know mushy feel-good stuff; but I do know off-color, naughty stuff; so that's what I'll stick with.

You can't teach an old dog new tricks people, because if you could, you'd teach him not to lick his nuts in public.

Oops. There I go again.

Important Stuff About Friends & Lovers

Mary S. is starting her second year of finding "America's Best Singing Cat and Dog". Last year the dog and cat appeared on "The Tonight Show" and mary got to meet Jay Leno. Mary says "His chin is HUGE". No shit Mary.

Jennifer C. and Mike T. had a baby girl (Megan Patricia) on February 26th. Let's all pray that her butt isn't anywhere near as hairy as her daddy's.

Patty N.'s. sister-in-law, Cari N.is hosting a Quiz Night once a month at the Irish American Heritage Center. That's at Wilson & Knox in Chicago. What you do is get a team together, (6 people per team) you pay $5 a person and answer questions posed by the Quiz Master, which is Cari. First, second and third place teams win money. But it's not about the money, it's about the fun. Okay, it's about the money. Plus, they serve booze.

Greektown, went to Greektown
had some Ouzo and some saganaki.
Went for Kitty's birthday.
She just turned the big for-tee! *
*sing to the tune of "the Flintstones"

The following are snippets of things that happened at my friend Kathy K.'s 40th birthday party in Greektown. As usual you won't know most of these people, but the stories should be amusing anyway.

Kathy was completely surprised by the whole party; she shed tears of joy, got stinking drunk, threw up, and passed out across her bed dressed only in her bra. You couldn't ask for a better birthday then that.

The next day while going through her gifts, Kathy noticed that someone had taken a half gallon of olive oil from the restaurant and put it into her tote bag.

Colleen and I went home and peed on each other. Oh relax, we didn't really, but it just goes to show you how good some idea sound when you drink cheap wine & Ouzo for seven hours straight.

So I'm sitting next to the ex-President of American Eagle Airlines (who is drunk as a skunk) when someone asks us if we think that President Clinton really showed his penis to Monica Lewinski. Well I guess he misunderstood the question, because before you know it, he stands up and tries to take his 727 out of the hanger, if you know what I mean. Luckily his wife spotted this and grounded all flights for the evening.

Some guy (who I don't know) asked his female boss (who I don't know) if she was looking for a guy for the nightand if she was he was volunteering to be the guy. She of course said she wasn't and the poor guy got the brush off. He wanted to see some white panties but I think he's going to get the pink slip instead.

Joanne M. gacked all over the ladies room. Taramosalata and Ouzo just don't mix. Her poor husband Scott took good care of her though. Where do these ladies find such great guys? Everytime I go out with some chick, get drunk and puke all over the place, all she says is "Pay up buster, I've got another date in ten minutes."

Tim K.,Kathy's husband, stood up and gave a very touching speech about how much Kathy means to him. I wept openly.

With all this debauchery going on, it's a good thing there were no Jehova's Witnesses present.*

*Private joke

A few of us went to The Schubert Inn
for the Superbowl and Cheri won $100.

Doctor Jeff...
Conduit to the Spirit World

Here's another spooky story starring...
Doctor Jeff, BUMM, BUMM, BUMM!
Conduit to the Spirit World!

Last time on
Doctor Jeff, BUMM, BUMM, BUMM!
Conduit to the Spirit World!...

Young teenager Jeff and his Aunt, while playing with their Ouija Board contacted the spirit of a recently deceased neighbor. During the contact, the spirit told Jeff and his Aunt that she was murdered by her son. Fast forward 17 years later, and the son confessed to the murder. True story.

This week on
Doctor Jeff, BUMM, BUMM, BUMM!
Conduit to the Spirit World!...

Jeff just began reading the story of "The Black Dahlia" by James Ellroy, a true, yet unsolved murder mystery that happened in the 40's.

On the morning of January 15th, 1998, Jeff gets to the part in the book where the body of the murder victim is discovered. The body was found on the morning of January 15th, 1947! Exactly 51 years before Jeff reads about it! Pretty creepy huh?

This has been another episode of...
Doctor Jeff, BUMM, BUMM, BUMM!
Conduit to the Spirit World!

Number of days since some rich asshole has tried to travel around the world by hot air balloon...63

It has been 63 days since some doofus with too much money on his hands has tried to travel around the world in a hot air balloon.

Within the last year, a half dozen or so rich guys have embarked on this little adventure; all failing; some with-in hours of take off. Now my only question is...why? Now I know that some big companies have put up prize money equalling alittle over $1,000,000 for the first person to accomplish this feat, but to most of the guys trying this, $1,000,000 is chump change.

So again I ask why?

It's not like this feat will advance the state of mankind in any way that I can think of. We've already circled the globe millions of times in airplanes, so what the hell can we possibly learn from doing this in a hot air balloon? That it's really slow and expensive? I think most of us had that figured out already . This would be like me saying I'm going to be the first man to pull a little red wagon from Chicago to Milwaukee. Who gives a shit! If you're going to do this kind of self indulgent, useless, ego feeding crap, then do it in private and don't bother other people with it. I mean I've got important stuff to worry about...like this newsletter.

Kal's Pals salutes...
Jello!

Watch it wiggle, see it jiggle...who among us dosen't like Jell-o? What's not to love? It's incredibly bright and colorful, it jiggles and wiggles like Oprah doing the hula, and it tastes good. Hey, now that I think about it, Jell-o and I have a lot in common. Maybe people should start calling me "Jell-o Boy".

Jell-o got it's start in 1897 in the small town of LeRoy New York. Pearl Wait, a constuction worker who made patent medicines on the side, came up with the idea of adding fruit flavor to granulated gelatin. His wife came up with the name "Jell-o", probably after another LeRoy made product: "Grain-o", a coffee substitute, later named Postum.

Wait didn't have much success selling Jell-o, he sold it door to door and had no real marketing skills. In 1899 Wait sold his Jell-o business to Orator Woodward, who within 8 years turned Jell-o into a one million dollar business. Big coin in 1907. Woodward would sell out to The Postum Cereal Company in 1925. Postum would later become your very favorite General...General Foods.

Jell-o wasn't always thought of as a kid's food though. At the turn of the century, Jell-o was considered a "classy" food, that was healthy for you. "Jell-o greatly facilitates digestion and conserves the body's nitrogen". I didn't know I had to conserve my body's nitrogen, did you? And here I've been wasting mine all these years, no wonder I'm always feeling so nitrogen deprived.

During World War Two, housewives started using Jell-o as a way of stretching their food supply, which was severely limited due to food rationing.

In the conservative 1950's, bored and suppressed housewives would use the bright colors of Jell-o to add some excitement to their otherwise humdrum life's. Strange salads and desserts featuring Jell-o were springing up all over America. How screwed up were people in the 50's that they had to look to Jell-o to add excitement to their lifes? Man, that's just pathetic. Jell-o has remained a popular menu item ever since.

But what the hell is Jell-o anyway? Well, basically, Jell-o is nothing more than protein molecules. These molecules are heated and then, when they cool, they trap teeny-tiny water molecules with them. But what's the source of these protein molecules you ask? Well sit down.

Are you sitting?

Good.

The protein source of Jell-o is "hide trimmings". Hide Trimmings!? What the hell are hide trimmings?!

Hide trimmings are animal tissue that's rendered, purified, and purifed again, until it becomes a protien called callogen, which in itself is a gelatin. This gelatin is so pure that the FDA dosen't even consider it a meat product. So all you Vegans can relax.

So whether you like orange or strawberry, with fruit or without, just remember..."There's always room for hide trimmings".

Jello Facts