Just to clarify a point, Monica N. is not my cousin. She's the cousin of Patty N.. Monica R. is my cousin. Both Monica's recently became engaged (I think. You see rumor has it that my cousin Monica has moved out of her parents house, and is now engaged, but I have yet to receive a change of address notice from her, or an engagement annoucement, so I can only speculate). Now to clarify another point. Monica N. is the Monica who thinks I'm racy. Monica R. just thinks I'm an asshole. Monica Seles has no opinion of me what so ever.
Now that that is clarified...on with our regularly scheduled newsletter.
It'a new year so look for changes in upcoming newsletters. I'm not saying that there will be changes; but look for them anyway, it keeps you sharp and alert.
I hope your Holidays were bright, and that the new year is good to you.
Kiss, kiss
Kevin
Important Stuff About Friends & Lovers
Rene V. and Doug N. just bought a house in the Portage Park neighborhood. The house was previously owned by Nick Kitsos, he's the drummer for the BoDeans. Rock on Rene and Doug.
Pam M. went to Utah. I have no idea why. Wait a minute...that's not where the Betty Ford Clinic is? Is it?
Something stinks at Gil and Teresa G's. house. It seems a skunk decided that their garage would be a pretty good place to take up residence for the winter. Everything was going fine with the extraction until Gil spilled a can of white paint down his back, and the skunk started chasing him around the garage, while speaking sweet nothings to him in a French accent.
Colleen O. went to Las Vegas. Much to her dismay, strip poker isn't a regulation game there.
Required photo of Cheri
Mark G. and Elise S. are engaged. They make such a cute couple. Have you met them yet? No? Well I'll introduce you sometime. They're planning the wedding or sometime in September. Good luck kids.
The Foster's (Eric and Kim not Tom and Pam) are adding an addition to their house (the one in Elmhurst not the one in Wisconsin).
Monica N. (Patty's cousin, not mine) and her fiancee Matt have closed on their condo and are all moved in. The wedding will be in May, so they'll be living in sin for about 4 months. And Monica thinks that I'm racy.
My brother-in-law Dave K. got his Architects license. Apparently this happenedsometime ago, but I just found out about it. You know how we rarely see each other in my family, so you can see how these lapses of communication happen. Congratulations Dave.
And speaking of Architects Paul G. has decided to quit working for "the man" and has started his own Architecture office. Good luck Paul.
And speaking of "the man" Bernie L. received his MBA from DePaul University back in October and may soon be joining the corporate world.
Jennifer C. noticed some strange charges on her phone bill. It seems some bogus company named Integretel improperly billed her for $200. To make a long story short, Jenn managed to get the charges dropped, but watch out for this kind of stuff it's happening more and more. Now Jen, can you help me get some charges dropped from my phone bill? I keep getting charged for some number I never called...1 900 244-2888. Hey that spells something! B.I.G.B.U.T...never mind Jen.
Jim H., Eric F. and I went to our 20 year High School reunion. It's really funny how everyone has changed, and yet I essentially remained the same.
New Year's resolutions.
Mike B.:
Liane B.:
Rene C.:
Tom T.:
Kathy K.:
Jeff L.:
Eric F.:
Cheri B.:
Linda K.:
Me.:
I can't make up crap like this.
Did you hear about this teacher, Mary Kay Letourneau, who had an affair with one of her 6th grade students, and just gave birth to said students daughter? A couple of things about this disturb me. First of all, where was this women when I was in 6th grade? And secondly, what about this woman's poor husband? How shitty must this guy feel knowing that his wife was so sexually frustrated that she had to find gratification from a 6th grader?
Dude, you need some kind of help. Viagra, an implant or something. At the very least go to an adult book store and buy one of those extension things. I mean I'm no John Holmes or anything, but nobody ever left me for a 6th grader. A husky 8th grader yes, but never a 6th grader.
It's a story...
It's a story,
His car went crunch.
Nancy
Is it just me or has anyone else noticed what a babe Aunt Fritzi from the Nancy comic strip is? Look at this chick! She's hot! Pretty face, great bod. O.k. the hair style is a little weird, but then again who am I to criticize hairstyles? If I were Sluggo, I'd forget about that little fuzz head Nancy and be hitting on her Aunt instead. What does he see in Nancy anyway? She's not even funny for God's sake. Hello!? Sluggo!? Wake up call for Mr. Sluggo. Time to change your priorities.
What I really don't understand though, is why is Aunt Fritzi drawn as a babe in the first place? She never dates or has a boyfriend, so what's the point in making her such a hottie? Wouldn't it be more realistic if she were some older matronly type? I mean, you got a sexy looking young Aunt like that; you're just asking for trouble. Before you know it guys like Dagwood and Beatle Bailey are hanging around causing all kinds of trouble. Who needs that? And another thing; why is Nancy living with her Aunt to begin with? Where are her parents? What happened to them? This Nancy strip is chock full of questions. Where are the answers? I need answers. What I really need is a life. Or a date with Aunt Fritzi
"Is that a Tribble in your pants
Once again here's my friend David T. at the Annual Chicago Comic Convention (that's "comic" as in comic books, not "comic" as in stand-up comic). Every year he goes to the Convention (as do Mikey B. and I) and tracks down celebrities who will let him pose with them. This years conquests; George Takei and Nichelle Nichols a.k.a. Sulu and Uhura of Star Trek.
This almost completes his Star Trek collection, except of course for Leonard Nimoy, who has that restraining order out against Dave. "Live long and prosper" my ass.
This year at the convention, I got rolled by a hooker who was dressed up as Wonder Woman.
"I sure do like my meat smoked"
As many of you know, I have at times been referred to as "the Sausage King of Chicago". Unlike "the Lord of the Dance" (don't get me started on that again) this title was not self bestowed, but was thrust upon me by my friend Rene C. due to my love of the fatty tubular meats.
Now a couple of weeks ago, some kid in my sisters neighborhood came to her door selling food out of a catalog as a school fund raiser; which was weird, but not as weird as what was on page 28. Can you make it out in this picture? It's Ervin's Meat's! Ervin's Meats! Can you believe it? A meat company with my name on it! As if it were my very own!? Oh, if only it were true. Can you imagine it? My very own warehouse full of meat? My personal butcher cutting me chops, fileting me mignons, shishing me kabobs, MAKING ME SAUSAGE!!!!
Oh my friends I have a dream. A dream that one day, in the future, one fat, bald man will be able to go into his very own walk-in cooler and say... "Alphonse. One thuringer please." Oh wouldn't that be heaven? Dare to dream Kevin. Dare to dream.
Just a typical Kevin joke
When you make rye bread, you use a rye dough.
Kal's Pals Trivia
Karen W.
Science!
In the interest of public health, Hong Kong recently destroyed one million chickens. This was an attempt to destroy the "bird flu" that has been attacking China. I stand behind this policy 100%. Destroy those chickens! Choke them! Choke all the chickens. Any women out there who would like to help me choke my chicken can give me a call anytime. All in the interest of public health of course.
And I quote...
Who the Hell are You!?
Name:
Birthday:
Birthplace:
Occupation:
Current Home:
Working On:
Worst Job Experience:
The Last Good Movie I Saw:
The Book I've Been Reading:
Favorite Pig Out Food:
Nickname:
Favorite Performer:
Prized Possession:
People always think I'm:
I'd give anything to meet:
Favorite Annual Event:
A really great evening to me is:
My Fantasy Is:
The One Thing I Can't Stand is:
If I Could Change One Thing About Myself:
I'm Really Good At:
My Most Irrational Act:
If I've Learned One Thing In Life It's:
Major accomplishment:
Hobbies:
Three words that best describe me:
"To reduce stress in my life".
"To stop hollering at everybody".
(Maybe if Liane stops hollering, Mike's life would be less stressful)
"To relax more".
(Do you see a trend here with my friends? Why are you all so tense?)
"To save some money".
"To buy new underwear. I'm sick of the old stuff I have".
"It's too difficult to change, so I don't even try".
"I don't make resolutions. I'm too cynical".
"To think positive and to be positive".
Are you positive?
"Positive"
"To not sweat the small stuff. This isn't a dress rehersal".
"To drop 20 pounds. I'm not going to lose weight; I'm just going to drop 20 pounds, so watch your toes".
about Bobby Brady,
who was drinking and had too many sips.
He was driving,
while really loaded,
he gave his car a flip.
His car went crunch.
That's the way that his drunken ass went crunch!
or are you just happy to see me".
When you make wheat bread, you use a wheat dough.
If you made dill bread, would you use a dill dough?
Junk Drawer
On average, women speak 25,000 more words a day then men do.
Who, while sleep walking (and slightly drunk) mistook her sisters
closet for a bathroom, sat on a suitcase, and took a leak?
(more or less)
Ahhh....1st grade. What a cutie.
Pam M.
October 31, 1962.
Southside of Chicago (the baddest part of time).
Human Resources Manager at
The American College of Healthcare Executives.
Old Town, Chicago. U.S.A.
Getting my friends to turn in their money for Jazz Fest.
Laboratory Corporation of America or Labcorp or Labcrap.
"The Full Monty".
"Angela's Ashes" &
"Rose Kennedy and Her Family".
Freshmen in college.
Anything and everything (unfortunately).
None to speak of.
Indigo Girls and Mick Jagger.
My photo album of family, friends and places I've been.
Late for everything.
Editor's Note: Like me getting this
questionnaire after 3 months?)
Hubba hubba
Bobby Kennedy.
Making friends at Jazz Fest
Jazz Fest in New Orleans.
Being with good friends, with good food,
good music and lots of laughs.
Irish Dancing
Owning a flower shop and living in a
cottage on the west coast of Ireland.
Closed minded people and injustice in any way.
My lack of discipline.
Coordinating social events.
And once again, Pam in a goofy hat.
Answering a personal ad in the reader.
To be constantly self-aware and
evaluate my thoughts and actions.
Getting my Master of Education degree.
Softball, Irish dancing, and drinking
with my friends in Irish bars.
Fun, loyal, organized.