Monica thinks I'm racy.
Monica N. thinks some of the stuff in "kal's pals" is too racy, risque, and raunchy even.
Well, she's right. Parts of the newsletter are racy, I'll be the first to admit it. Kal's pals is nothing if not a reflection of me and my screwed up mind. And like me, some parts are sweet and cuddly, and others are dark and racy. But hey, that's why you all love me right? Right?...oh never mind. I never said this was a "G" rated publication. But it's no "Hustler" either (at least not until you ladies start sending me those polaroids of yourselves that I've asked for so many times).
Well obviously I have a small problem on my hands. I really don't want to offend anyone; just make them laugh, and since many of you find my ribald wit amusing, I can't stop writing the risque stuff. But like I said; I don't want to offend anyone either. So in this age of "V" chips, cyber filters and ratings on t.v., I've come up with a compromise...wherever there might be something of an off-color nature, this little symbol will appear...
I sincerely hope that this helps you in selecting the articles you deem suitable for yourself and your loved ones.
Now maybe Tipper...I mean Monica will get off my back! See, I could of went into a bit about getting off my back, because I just got off yours, but noooooo; that would have been too racy.
See the dilemmas I face? No wonder it takes so long between issues.
Important Stuff About Friends & Lovers
Career Choices
Mary G. has finished school. She's now a landscape designer/horticulturist. After talking to Mary I'm thinking of a career change, she said part of what she does is trimming bushes, and I know I'd like doing that.
Mary S. has a new job. She's working at Navy Pier and is basically their whole art department. Anything they need in way of advertising, posters, brochures or any of that kind of stuff, Mary has to design and produce. Maybe she can get us free passes to ride the Ferris Wheel...and we could ride it with Laurie Ferris ...and afterwards go watch "Ferris Buellers Day Off"...and then...sorry, I just get carried away sometimes.
And speaking of jobs Peter P. got to keep his. Pete works for one of the many companies that manage the pension fund for U.P.S. One of the issues on the bargaining table during the strike was that U.P.S. wanted to take control of the pension fund themselves. If they did this, Pete would've been out of a job. The strike was settled though and the greedy capitalistic oppressors of the working man lost. Now our comrade Peter can pursue his glorious right to work. Long live the revolution!
Having My Baby
Mike T. and Jen C. are expecting their first. They think it's the result of hot birthday sex.
Pete and Joan S. are also expecting. This will be number three for them. You guys most not like sleeping much.
Love (Exciting & New)
The following people have become engaged; May God have mercy on their souls...not that I have anything against marriage mind you, but...oh what the hell! I do have a lot against marriage! But, it's their lives, and we all have to learn these things by ourselves.
Monica Nedved and Matt Hunt are engaged. (Hey Monica. Does Matt have a brother named Mike?)
Renee Vogt and Doug Norton are engaged. (Hey Norton. You wanna get married?)
And I think that my cousin Monica also got engaged, but I'm not sure since she never calls me or anything. Hell she didn't even send me her new address when she moved. Hint. Hint.
Vicky J. and Dan O.got married...I think...I mean they were supposed to, I just haven't heard anything about it. Cheers...I guess.
Heavy Petting
Beth and Barry K. have a new dog. It's a miniature poodle named Bailey.
Tom T. and Mary G.also have a new dog. It's some kind of German Shepard mutt from the Anti-Cruelty Society. They named him Rielly.
Summer Vacations
Kathy and Tim K. went to Puerto Rico with a group of friends. Kathy drank the weekly production of Rum from two Ron Rico distilleries. She destroyed all but three brian cells and now spends her days doing nothing but humming the tune to "Rum and Coca Cola", in her pajamas, then giggiling for hours on end. Poor Kathy. Poor, poor Kathy.
Linda and Dave K. also went to Puerto Rico. Dave went for work and Linda went to just lay around the pool and drink cocktails from coconut shells.
Ironically Gil and Susie N., who are Puerto Rican, went to the Wisconsin Dells, where they drank no Rum, but had plenty of brats and cheese. Go figure.
Beth B. went to Tunisia for her vacation, and literally spent "midnight at an oasis". Oh Beth. Be my belly dancer.
Bernie L. spent his vacation in Cancun.
Required photo of Cheri
Cheri B., Joan S. and some chicks I don't know also went to Cancun. The bottom line is Cheri got drunk, flirted with the waiters at Carlos and Charlie's and was so hung over the next day that she fell asleep in her pool chair and got burnt to a crisp. This from the woman who laughed at everybody that got sick in New Orleans last year. HA!
Two of my pals, who shall remain anonymous, went to San Diego for vacation. While there, they went to a nude beach and ended up frolicking naked together in the ocean. Oh my.
I didn't go anywhere on my vacation...I just sat around my condo...eating Count Chocula...in the dark...alone
Odds & Sods
A while ago my father Dennis bought one of those sratch and win Lotto tickets, and guess what!? When he sratched...he won. What he won was a chance to be on the Lotto show and try for more prizes. So one Sunday in July the whole family went down to WGN Studios for the taping of the Lotto Show. Well the fates weren't kind to us that day, dad wasn't picked to win any of the money winning games that day, he did get $500 for being on the show though and we did get to sit in the cheesey studio for half the day with every red-neck, trailer-trash family in Illinois; so it wasn't a total loss.
Patty N., and her cousin/roomate Monica (you know, the one who thinks I'm racy) have moved into their new condo. It's a very nice place. They also went to Greece, and brought me back an order of Saginacki, though it was kind of cold by the time they got it back.
No new word on Eric's tractor.
My Favorite Things
Here's a feature I started last issue called "My Favorite Things".
From time to time I'll call one of you up and ask you to tell me one of the small things in life that brings a smile to your face. It can be anything from rain drops on roses to whiskers on kittens (hey, that's kind of catchy). Just open up and share a little part of yourself with us. Yeah, yeah, yeah; I know this is some pretty touchy feely stuff coming from me, put I have to put something in here that Monica can read.
So without further adieu, here's Dr. Jeff and one of his favorite things...
"The smell of freshly mowed grass."
Got Milk?
Here are some of the slogans that were rejected by the National Dairy Council before they chose "Got Milk?"
Milk! Drink it or I'll slap you!
Just Another Lame Baseball Haiku.
The Baseball Season has ended (for Chicago's teams anyway) so I wrote a Haiku to commemorate another fruitless endeavor by the Cubs & Sox. Here you go...
I know that this Haiku stuff is getting old, but I can't help it. I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so.
For the record
I was lying in bed with this crack whore I picked up the other night, when Midnight at the Oasis came on the radio. "I love this song" she said. This was the first "45" I ever bought". "Mine was "Apeman" by the "Kinks" I replied. Of course this little exchange got me thinking how this would be an interesting little feature in "Kal's pals". Then again, maybe not. Anyway, here are the first "45's" or albums purchased by some of our pals. They all have a good beat, and they're easy to dance to. I rate them all a 95.
Bernie L.
Tom T.
Patty N.
Linda K.
Laurie F.
Pete P.
Mike B.
Rene V.
Eric F.
Kathy K.
Mike T.
Junk Drawer
Kal's Pals Trivia
Which Kal's pal dressed up as Olive Oyl and rode a boat during Venetian Night one year ?
Tom F.
Science!
A group of Sociologists (yes, sociology is a science) conducted an experiment on children between the ages of 3 and 12, and found that spanking your child is indeed bad for them. I'm conducting my own little experiment on women between the ages of 25 to 40 to determine effects spanking has on them. All volunteers know how to reach me. Calling me daddy is optional.
And I quote...
Who the Hell are You!?
Name:
Birthday:
Birthplace:
Occupation:
Current Home:
Working On:
Worst Job Experience:
The Last Good Movie I Saw:
The Book I've Been Reading:
Favorite Pig Out Food:
Nickname:
Favorite Performer:
Prized Possession:
People always think I'm:
Look closely at this picture...this is not Kevin & Rene.
This is Kevin & Rene (and their lovely daughter Grace).
I'd give anything to meet:
Favorite Annual Event:
A really great evening to me is:
My Fantasy Is:
The One Thing I Can't Stand is:
If I Could Change One Thing About Myself:
I'm Really Good At:
My Most Irrational Act:
If I've Learned One Thing In Life It's:
Major accomplishment:
Hobbies:
And in closing...
I don't know what the significance of this is...but the average age of "The Rolling Stones" is 53, and the President of the United States is 51. It's just kind of weird.
Please excuse the tear stains.
Milk! It'll fuck you up!
Milk! Without it you'll die!
Milk! It doesn't stink!
Drink Milk. Wisconsin needs the money.
Milk. Thick, white and creamy. Just like...
Milk! Breasts are full of it!
Milk! Without it, veal would suck.
Milk! You can squirt it from teats.
The ivy is gone,
once again..."Wait 'till next year".
Beer man; weep for me.
"Permanent Waves"
by Rush
"Stepping Stone"
by The Monkees
"The Nights the Lights Went Out in Georgia"
by Vicki Lawrence
"The Partridge Family"
by The Partridge Family
"The Partridge Family"
by...oh never mind.
"Help"
by The Beatles
Either "Ted Nugent"
by Ted Nugent
or
"You Make Me Fell Like Dancing"
by Leo Sayre
I can't remember.
"Thank God I'm A Country Boy"
by John Denver
"Sunshine Superman"
by Donovan
Because it mentioned Superman & Green Lantern.
"Yummy, yummy"
by The 1910 Fruitgum Company
"Little Willy"
by Sweet
Contrary to popular belief, the late Walt Disney was not cryogenically frozen, (put into suspended animation for all you non-science types) he was buried in Forrest lawn Cemetary in California and is resting peacefully. Amen.
(more or less)
Kev...with hair.
Kevin C.
May 23, 1962.
Evanston, Il.
Actuary.
Arlington Heights.
Painting our new 3 season room.
I've actually liked all the jobs I've had. I'm a pinhead.
"Apollo 13" (we don't get out much).
"Jack Brickhouse: A Voice for All Seasons".
Oh oh.
Super Spicy Buffalo Wings.
Bro or Blud.
(Rene thinks it's "Hey you, get back to work").
Joe Jackson.
Grace (his daughter).
Brad's brother
It's Brad & Kevin's cousin Eileen.
In their spare time, they are stunt doubles for
Kevin & Rene.
It makes you wonder though why Kevin married someone who looks so much like his cousin, or Rene someone who looks so much like Brad.
Kind of weird don't you think?
Ernie Banks.
Cub game with college friends.
(Summerfest is a close second)
After Cub game, playing Euchre with college friends.
Retire at an early age and vacation around the world with Rene.
Insincerity and people leaving shopping carts in parking lots.
Not letting the little things bother me.
Euchre and understanding others.
2.5 hours in New Orleans which included drinking 4.5 Hurricanes, doing the "bump" with some strange women in front of Rene, a possible fight with 2 guys in the street, and of course, puking my brains out.
Do what you think is right and don't worry what other people think.
(And you can't drink 4.5 Hurricanes in 2.5 hours).
Becoming an enrolled Actuary.
Playing with my daughter, painting and running.
Three words that best describe me:
Honest, sincere, goofy.