Hi.
Recently a whole bunch of new people have started getting "Kal's Pals". People from New Orleans, friends who never got it in the past, people you've told about it, etc. with these people come a bunch of the same old questions, so bear with me for a moment while we have a quick recap... Who is kal?
Why did you start this thing?
How can I be the "Who the hell are you?" person?
Do you take writing contributions?
Whew! There you have it, the answers to the most commonly asked questions about Kal's pals. There is one rule though to getting my newsletter...you can never correct me on spelling (unless it's someones name) or my grammar; because frankly, I don't give a shit. Other than that, enjoy it. And don't take it too seriously, because I sure don't.
Oh, one other thing, when you'er done with your newsletter, give it to someone else who might enjoy it. It' my little way of saving a tree.
Love ya,
Kevin.
Important Stuff About Friends & Lovers
Well Kathy K. didn't make it onto Jeopardy, apparently Alex Trebeck found her cheat sheets.
Samantha K's. soccer team scored a total of 5 goals this season, 2 of which were scored by her. Thank God she doesn't take after her Uncle in her athletic abilities.
Annie O. went to Ireland for a couple of weeks, and she brought me back a lovely sack of spuds.
And speaking of Annie, her sister Elizabeth and brother-in-law John, are moving again. This time they're off to North Carolina. Say "hey" to Andy & Barney for us guys.
Pete S. neon business has been pretty busy, so busy in fact that he went and bought a building for his ever growing company. He bought a two flat, with a store front, down Ashland Avenue from where he's at now. He wants to stay on Ashland 'cause everyone knows him as "that neon guy on Ashland". As opposed to me, who everyone knows as "that fat bastard on Higgins". Also check out the Coke commercial with all the neon on the motel sign. Pete's company did that.
Jeff had a Fourth of July party and his doofus boss almost killed everybody when he set off the five year old fireworks he brought. He singed the hair on my calfs for crying out loud.
Required photo of Cheri
My cousin Monica is moving out on her own. Check this out; shes renting a three bedroom town house for $900 a month. Of course that's in Milwaukee and her neighbors are Lenny and Squiggy.
From the "where are they now " file. A few of us went to St. Michael's Fest in June and guess who we ran into? Lucinda! She and Kevin are living in Crystal Lake and are the recent parents of a darling baby girl named Sarah. Her sister Laura is also married and expecting her second child.
Colleen O. has a new boyfriend and she even lets him touch her nipples.
Eric changed the oil on his tractor.
SummerFest
Just a quick recap of some of the silly stuff that happened at this years trip to SummerFest. SummerFest itself was kind of lame, but we had a great time at this dive of a bar we found on are way back to the hotel. Here are the highlights (if you want to call them that).
We ran into Vicky J's. old roomate Patty.
For some twisted reason Renee stuck her big toe in my beer when I wasn't looking. The last laugh is on her though; you should've seen what I put in her mouth while she was sleeping.
I let some strange girls paint my fingernails.
Laurie F., Pete P., and I watched some guy let another guy feel up his girlfriend at the bar.
Kevin C. played "Domo arigato Mr. Roboto" on the juke box and Pete showed us a lovely dance interpretation of the song worthy of Bob Fosse.
Reene fell down drunk in the lobby of Milwaukee's finest hotel, the Pfister (Pfister? I hardly even know her).
Renee, in her drunked state, became frightened of some silly little headless statue in the lobby of our hotel, so someone stole the statue and brought it up to Renee's room for her to find when she woke up later that morning.
Brad was his usual drunk-ass self, but at least he got to sleep peacefully this year, he didn't share a room with me and my loud snoring this year. I shared a room with Pete, whose snoring could shake the walls of Hades.
Pam M. is such a nice girl. She woke up in the middle of the morning and found me shivering asleep on the floor with just my shirt as a blanket. So she found a blanket and covered me. Wasn't that nice?
And you though we didn't know how to party. Ha! I'm sure you can't wait to go yourself next year.
My Favorite Things
If you ever find yourself on the corner of Grand and State, (in Chicago) go inside the lobby of the AMA Building and look at the two beautiful Bonsai trees that are there.
I think Pam M. and Dave K. (who both worked there at one time) will agree with me, that if you look at these miniature marvels and you don't smile, you are not human, and quite frankly, I don't think I could ever call you my friend again.
Just me showing my sensitive side...is that so wrong?
Similarities between Bandit & Kevin
Recently I had to "dog sit" my sister's dog Bandit.
We spent a week together, and during that time I came to realize that we have a lot of things in common.
Bandit...
Bandit...
Bandit...
Bandit...
Bandit...
Bandit...
Bandit...
Bandit...
Just another Stupid Survey
Here it is...The Kal's Pals Semi-Annual Stupid Survey. Every so often (well twice actually) I ask some of my freinds really stupid questions and jot down the answers. None of these questions are of any importance, though some are embarrassing (you wouldn't believe how many women will tell you that they've peed in the shower if you tell them you're doing a survey for "Kal's pals").
There sure isn't much knowledge to be gained by this survey either, though I did learn that we are a sloppy bunch. I mean, most of us have peed in the shower, we squeeze our toothpaste willy-nilly, and we don't make our beds. We're pretty reckless too. We jam "q-tips" all the way into our ears, even though Doctors tell us not to, and we don't stop for on-ramp stop lights. We're torn on the weird stuff though. We don't believe in aliens, but we're pretty sure someone was on the "grassy knoll" In Dallas that morning in 1964. Go figure. Like I said, most of this is pretty useless info, except for one thing. I learned that most of my friends are idiots! How else would you explain the fact that 70% of you think that Superman could beat The Batman in a fight? What are you, high? I think I smell a future article coming on. To the Batcave Robin!
Are your earlobes attached or loose?
Do you make your bed everyday?
Do you squeeze your toothpaste from the end or the middle?
Do you ever do housework in the nude?
What was your favorite Brady Bunch or Partridge family?
Do you bring reading material into the bathroom?
Have you ever peed in the shower(alone)?
Do you believe aliens have visited earth?
Did Oswald act alone or was it a conspiracy?
Who would win in a fight? Batman or Superman?
How do you pronounce U.R.A.N.U.S.?
Do you stick the q-tip all the way into your ear, even though Doctors tell you not to?
Do you stop at those expressway on-ramp stop lights?
Would you rather have roses on your piano or tulips on your organ?
* One male makes his bed everyday, even if it's just right before he gets into it.
I'd like to thank Roma's Italian Beef for all of their support.
Junk Drawer
Don't ask me what this was about...I guess it's just my little tribute to the Thomas family. That's all. I think they deserve it. Don't you?
Kal's Pals Trivia
Which Kal's who met Marlo Thomas at a fund raiser asked her to say
Dr. Jeff
Science!
In another study, researchers found that big, fat, bald guys are more likely to date women who have has breats implants (for reasons of vanity and not for reconstructive purposes) then they are other women.
Who the Hell are You!?
Birthday:
Birthplace:
Occupation:
Current Home:
Working On:
Worst Job Experience:
The Last Good Movie I Saw:
The Book I've Been Reading:
Favorite Pig Out Food:
Nickname:
Favorite Performer:
Prized Possession:
People always think I'm:
I'd give anything to meet:
Favorite Annual Event:
A really great evening to me is:
My Fantasy Is:
The One Thing I Can't Stand is:
If I Could Change One Thing About Myself:
I'm Really Good At:
My Most Irrational Act:
If I've Learned One Thing In Life It's:
Major accomplishment:
Hobbies:
Three words that best describe me:
A long time ago, me, and a bunch of my friends all went to Bigsby's Bar & Grill for a night of wild drinking and carousing.
At some point, Mike and I sat down at a table to enjoy our drinks. At some point Mary came over and stood next to our table and kept bending over; thrusting her round, frim buttocks into our faces. I think she dropped her purse or something and kept bending over to pick up her belongings. Anyway at about the 3rd thrust, Mike picked up a fork and proceeded to poke Mary in her ample rump. After about the 3rd poke, Mary turned to Mike and said..."Get out of my butt, or I'll kill you"; and the phrase has stuck ever since.
And in closing...
There's a new cartoon on Nickelodeon; it's called The Angry Beavers. I'm not sure, but I believe it's a cartoon about some of my ex-girlfriends?
Kal is me, though nobody really calls me that anymore. It was a nickname that stuck when a drunk friend kept calling me "Kalvin" at a party. When I changed the original name of the newsletter (see below) I wanted to have it idenitied with me, but didn't want it to be named aftre me (I thought that would be too egotistical) so I named it after my so-called alter-ego. Plus "Kal's Pals" is a whole lot catchier name then "The newsletter about Kevin's friends". Don't you think?
Kal's pals started out as a newsletter for my old softball team, "The dog's gone crazy", the original name was "The dog's gone crazy news". Clever huh? When I got bored writing only softball stuff I chnaged the name and started sending it out to non-soft ball playing friends.
The "who the hell are you?" person is chosen by random from the list of people who receive Kal;s pals. So one day you will be picked to occupy the back page. If you want, you can start thinking of your answers now. You nver know when I'll send you the questions and fill your life with angst. Also from time to time I may call you and ask you questions for other features I'm working on. Now aren't you glad you asked to be included in all of this?
Sure. Send me anything you want and chances are I'll probably print it. But it has to be something you, yourself created. No jokes you heard at the water cooler or stuff you got from an e-mail.
Has a lot of Gray hair on his chin
Kevin...
Has a lot of Gray hair on his chin
Pees outside
Kevin...
It was an emergency
Drinks from the toilet bowl
Kevin...
The waters a lot colder then you'd think
Has a lot of Gray hair on his chin
Kevin...
Has a lot of Gray hair on his chin
Chases squirrels around the park like a nut
Kevin...
Chases squirrels around the park like a nut
Likes to sniff the butt of a potential mate
Kevin...
Likes to sniff the butt of a potential mate
Likes to play with rubber toys
Kevin...
Likes to play with rubber toys
Licks his own genitalia
Kevin...
I wish
attached
40% Male 40% Female 40% Overall
loose
60% Male 60% Female 60% Overall
yes
20% Male* 40% Female** 30% Overall
no
80% Male 60% Female 70% Overall
end
40% Male 0% Female 20% Overall
middle
60% Male 100% Female 80% Overall
yes
20% Male 40% Female 30% Overall
no
80% Male 60% Female 70% Overall
brady bunch
20% Male 20% Female 20% Overall
partridge family
60% Male 80% Female 70% Overall
neither
20% Male 0% Female 10% Overall
yes
60% Male 80% Female 70% Overall
no
40% Male 20% Female 30% Overall
yes
60% Male*** 60% Female 60% Overall
no
40% Male 40% Female 40% Overall
yes
20% Male 40% Female 30% Overall
no
80% Male 60% Female 70% Overall
alone
20% Male 20% Female 20% Overall
conspiracy
80% Male 80% Female 80% Overall
batman
20% Male 40% Female 30% Overall
superman
80% Male 60% Female 70% Overall
uranus (short a)
20% Male 0% Female 10% Overall
your anus
80% Male 100% Female 90% Overall
yes
60% Male 100% Female 80% Overall
no
40% Male 0% Female 20% Overall
yes
20% Male 40% Female 30% Overall
no
80% Male 60% Female 70% Overall
roses on piano
0% Male 60% Female 30% Overall
tulips on your organ
100% Male 40% Female 70% Overall
** All the females who amke their beds everyday are married. You single girls looking for a husband should maybe take heed.
***One male says he has peed in a shower, though it wasn't his shower. Also the percentage of people with loose earlobes is the same as people who have peed in the shower, maybe this needs further investigating.
Paramount Pictures originally wanted Danny Thomas and not Marlon Brando to star in The Godfather.
"Oh Donald" just like she used to on That Girl?
A recent study of women who have had breast implants (for reasons of vanity and not for reconstructive purposes), found that these women are more likely to dye their hair, are heavy smokers, frequent drinkers, and are more sexually active then women without implants.
Name:
Mary S.
September 25, 1971.
Editors Note: 1971?!
Grosse Point, Michigan
Flack.
Chicago.
Finding America's Best singing cat and dog.
Dressing up like a "Cultured Cow".
"Men in Black" (we don't get out much).
"The Dinosaur Book".
Pizza: Stuffed Spinach from Baccino's.
Bobbie.
Mary kissing a dolphin
Bryan Ferry.
My Blue Dog.
Cindy Crawford (just kidding).
Mel Gibson/Brad Pitt.
Chicago-Mac Yacht Club Party.
Remembering what I did.
Anything with Mel Gibson & Brad Pitt.
Mary, Letty and Chris O'Donnell's butt.
People that don't dress well and who are more superficial than I am.
I'd remember things.
French manicures.
Last vacation...say no more.
Shit happens.
Coining the phrase "Get out of my butt, or I'll kill you".
Editors Note: See below.
Drinking, diving, sunning and travel.
Clean, tan and funny.