As you know, I've recently made a lot of improvements to my computer. I've added a CD Rom drive, a scanner, and new software. I also had to put in more memory, and an external hard drive (those nude photos from the internet take up a ton of room). Of course while doing all this stuff, I ran into mega problems, and would have been up shits creek if not for the help of some very smart friends of mine. So, much thanks go out to a couple of swell guys...Tom T. and Bernie L. They really helped me loads. Hugs and kisses guys.
Hopefully these improvements will add to your enjoyment of my little newsletter (you might even recognize people who are pictured here now). And all this new technology brings me one step closer to my ultimate goal, which is for Kal's Pals to have it's own website within the next year. Ha! I almost wet my pants with that one.
So, how did you like my special "Baseball Issue" last time around? Should I do more theme issues? Does anybody but me give a shit? Do I give a shit? Not really.
You'll notice that this issue has a little surprise in it; a special New Orleans insert. There are some "in" jokes inside it, but just ignore them, read the rest, and you should find it amusing (or as amusing as you find any of my newsletters).
And now ladies and gentelmen...it's showtime
Kevin.
Important Stuff About Friends & Lovers
Jenny and Chris are engaged. No date yet, but they plan to tie the knot sometime this year. Will I ever find such happiness?
Speaking of knot tying...Denise and Sal got married in May. And may your first child be a masculine child.
Rick and Dawn just celebrated their first year of wedded bliss. Guess I lost that bet.
Here's a bit of fashion news (an industry I'm always keeping my eye on). The designer who is making the dress for Scottie Pippen's bride-to-be, is the same person who made Renee C.'s bridal gown and some of her bride's maid's dresses. Suddenly I feel gushy all over.
I got a new car. I'm now driving a black "Jimmy", and let me tell you, Jimmy's not too happy about it.
Required photo of Cheri
Eric F. bought a new tractor. E.I.E.I.O.
Pam M. has a new job. She's now working at The American College of Healthcare Executives. "So far, so good" she says. With a go get 'em attitude like that, how can she fail.
Kathy K. was chosen at random to audition for Jeopardy. "I'll take famous Syphilitics for 200 Alex".
This is kind of old news, but Annie O. bought a new house. She now lives pretty close to Mikey and me. We'll be stopping by for cabbage rolls and coffee real soon. So keep the pot on Annie.
My good buddy Brad L. is working on putting together a "boy's night out" for sometime in August. We'll keep you posted.
Jen C. is busy doing a national radio spot for Goodyear Tires in Spanish. Her husband Mike is busy cashing the checks.
I just learned how to snap my gum.
Rene C. vs. Arlington Heights
All of you people living in Arlington Heights rest easy, Rene C. is out there fighting for you. The following item is taken (without permission) from the May 30, 1997 issue of the Daily Herald.
Residents of Arlington Heights aired their views on a variety of topics-from garbage collection and side walk installment to problems at neighborhood parks- during a public forum Thursday night. About 30 citizens attended the Mayor's Round Table held at Juliette Low School, and amny spoke and asked questions of the trustees and other village officials in attendence.
Rene C. suggested the village change it's trash collection policy so cans are placed on parkways, not just bags. "I think it's a health hazard" with the current method, she said. "There's a reason that crows are the size of mini-vans in Arlington Heights."
From what I understand of the problem, the crows pick open the bags and spew trash all over the place. Rene feels that garbage cans would eliminate this problem. The trouble with cans though, is that they get blown around the streets once they're empty and it gets windy out. Rene, have you ever considered a scarecrows?
I though people moved to the suburbs to escape this kind of senseless crime and vandalism. Thank God I live in the city, where if the crows spew garbage all around the place, the rats will eat it.
Who's your daddy?
Here's a billboard I saw off the Dan Ryan expressway around 40th Street. For all you out of towners, this is in an African American neighborhood. And you thought I was politically incorrect. The thing that really makes this bill-board work for me though, are the little swimming sperm cells. Swim little sperm cells! Swim!
A funny Kathy K. story
This is a pretty funny celebrity sighting story. Kathy K. (who was featured last issue) works out at O'Hare Field. The other day she was walking around the terminal when this little old man approached her. "Excuse me" he said "do you work here?" "Yes" she replied"how may I help you?" "Well, I'm a little lost. I can't find my terminal." "No problem" said Kathy "I'll help you find it." It was then that Kathy looked at the name on his ticket..."Norman Fell." "Norman Fell!?" Norman Fell?! The arch enemy of Jack Tripper?! Yep. The one and only grouchy landlord from "Three's Company". Well, to make a long story short, Kathy helped Norman, and he thanked her profusely. Excited, Kathy ran back to tell all her co-workers about her brush with greatness. When she got to her office, she saw one of her friends, "Guess who I just saw?" gushed Kathy, "George Clooney!" blurted out her friend. "George Clooney?!" yelled kathy "Where was he?" "In this terminal. Right under your office." The friend replied, "He was signing autographs and taking pictures with people. It was great!" "Isn't that who you saw?" "No. I, uhm, saw Mr. Roper...you know, from Three's Company."
Kathy's friend laughed so hard, she almost wet her pants.
Huh!?
Great news guys! Foster Brooks, the lovable drunk of stage and screen, says impotence can be treated. Why try and treat this horrible problem with such out-dated methods as therapy, drugs or the gentle touch of your partner; when for only $169 you can get this miracle vacuum pump to attach to your penis? Just strap it on, crank it up, and you'll be enjoying great sex again in no time!
Come on, you know this has to be legit...it's endorsed by Foster Brooks. And who wouldn't believe a guy who's made his living pretending to be a raging drunk?
On Saturday, May 31st, too early in the morning for single people; my phone rang, when I answered it some fool on the other end was singing this song to me..."She's sugar, she's spice, she's everything nice, she daddies little girl".
On May 30th, at 10:32 p.m., Liane & Mike had a little baby girl, Carolyn Jane. A tiny little thing, she was 6 lbs., 4 oz., and 19 inche long. I'm weeping tears of joy.
Just a quick reminder for all of you planning to invite me over for a Bar-b-que this summer...
Last year's broken chair tally stands at 2.
I Oughta' be in pictures. We've already seen The Jungle Book, Pinocchio and of course 101 Dalmatian's.
My pick for the next live action flick, would be the cartoon that started it all for walt and the boys...Snow White & the Seven Dwarves. And I think I've assembled the perfect cast for this movie. Quick! Someone get me Michael Eisner on the phone!
Snow White
Prince Charming
The Evil Queen
Doc
Happy
Grumpy
Sleepy
Sneezy
Bashful
Dopey
And I Quote...
Am I the only one who wants to beat the crap out of that "Lord of the Dance" guy? He really bugs the shit out of me. And what's with that stupid headband?
Junk Drawer
There is a distance of 200 yards from the nose of the Sphinx (you know, the one in Egypt) to the nearest Kentucky Fried Chicken. Which puts a whole new pin on the story I did last year about the 6 Egyptians who drowned whie trying to retrieve a chicken from a well.
Let's get back to that "Lord of the dance" guy for a minute. How do you get a title like that anyway? Who decides that this guy gets to be "Lord" of the dance? Was there a contest? I mean, if there was a contest, maybe I would have liked to have participated. I know I'm not that good of a dancer, but who knows, maybe I could've been "Duke of the Dance" or something. I know it's no "Lord", but it's still a pretty good title. Don't you think?.
Kal's Pals Trivia
Which Kal's pal has a picture of himself shaking hands with Muhammad Ali
My dad, Dennis.
And another thing...if you do become the "Lord of the Dance"; what are your duties? What are the privileges? Can you have bad dancers thrown out of night clubs? Can you make people stop doing the "Electric Slide"? Do you have to attend grocery store openings?
Science!
Scientists have developed a new hair replacement drug that works even better than Rogaine. It makes your hair grow in nice and thick where it used to be thinning and falling out. The only problem is that it also causes impotence. Hmmmm, let me think for a minute...thick hair or flacid penis? Boy! I just can't seem to make up my mind.
There's another new drug out there that induces orgasms in women. All the woman has to do is take a little pill, and she starts acting like Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally, but for real. Is this a conspiracy? Between this pill, and artificial insemination, there is no longer any reason for women to have sex with me.
Not that they had much reason to begin with.
O.k, sure, sometimes I'm known as "the Sausage King", but that title was bestowed upon me by others, I didn't arbitrarily crown myself. Okay, I do call myself "the King of Zambia" but nobody really acknowledges that. If we all just start giving ourselves titles, where does it end? "I'm the Lord of this" , "I'm the Lady of that", it's crazy I tell you. Just crazy. The ego on some people. The following is a list of titles that you may use when addressing me in the future. Thank you for your cooperation.
Lady Chatterley's Lover
Lord Lard-ass
The Man from LaMancha
Hey you!
Master of his Domain
Mr. Potato Head
Asshole
Mr. Clean
The Fifth Beatle
Lord Byron
Special New Orleans Insert
Notes from New Orleans or...
I, and a bunch of my friends went to New Orleans for the Jazz and Heritage Festival the first weekend of May, and let me tell you, it was a gas (and I have the gas to proof it).
I ate a ton of incredible food; jambalaya, crawfish pie, filet gumbo (Hey! That would make a catchy song). I heard some great bands; Buckwheat Zydeco, The Neville Brothers, Parliament Funkadelic. And one or two cocktails, no Hurricanes though, I think we all still remember the ugly Pat O'Briens incident from last year. My underwear is still pink.
I also made some new friends, which is a good thing, because frankly, some of you old ones are becoming a bit stale. Nothing personal, these things happen, people age, they develope new interests; they grow apart. Hey! Just kidding, you know I love each and everyone of you like the brother and/or sister I never had (except for Linda, who I love like the sister I do have). Anywhere, where the hell was I? Oh yeah, the Big Easy. Well, just take my word for it, I had a great time.
Just some quick Observations!
Pete knows a lot about possums. Maybe too much.
Laurie needs to bitch slap someone, and soon.
Brad does too snore.
It's Monica, not Margo, or Monique.
I don't really love the Spice Girls.
Except for Sexy Spice.
Okay, and maybe Sporty Spice.
And Scary Spice is pretty hot too. But that's it! I don't care about Posh Spice or Baby Spice at all.
Pam can be a tad cranky in the morning.
Next year I'm bringing friendship bracelets to sell.
And girls...watch out for Joe.
Roomates
Pam M., Patty N., Monica N. and a bunch of other gals went to see R & B great Irma Thomas sing at her club one night. While there, they met WXRT deejay Teri Hemmert! Teri autographed a t-shirt for Pam, who said she'd cherish it forever. Now here's the rub, literally, what Pam doesn't know is that I took her t-shirt and wore it as a Night-shirt for the rest of the trip. Naked! Every night! Then, every morning I'd get up and put it in her bag before she woke up. How much do you cherish that shirt now Pam? Oh and by the way...my other female roomate? Did some of your underwear feel a little stretched out when you got home? And now that I think about it...Brad? About your toothbrush...
This is the flag that we used to mark our position at the fest grounds, for all of the wanderers and late comers , otherwise, the place is so big, your friends would never find you. The fest is filled with these flags and markers of all sorts, but I think ours was one of the best. It's really quite a peice of engineering; the flag pole is a collection of PVC pipe, nylon straps and steel spikes that all fit together to form a 25 foot tall tower so that the flag can be spotted from a great distance away. Everyday, when we would set up the flag, people would gather around us fasinated by it's design and would more times then not help us put it together. John, who designed it, is truly a genius.
This is Evelynn's, a bar in the French Quarter where our gang hung out a lot. It's a dive, and Evelynn is pretty crabby, but she puts up with a lot of shit, and the food is good. Not a lot of head room though.
This is Joe stripping at Evelynn's (I told you she puts up with a lot of shit) he did eventually remove his pants but we didn't get a shot of it. Good thing. In Joe's defense, this picture was taken at about 2:00 a.m. Monday and he had been drinking since 12:00 p.m. Sunday. He did do a good routine though, so I tipped him five bucks.
Who the Hell are You!?
Name:
Birthday:
Birthplace:
Occupation:
Current Home:
Working On:
Worst Job Experience:
The Last Good Movie I Saw:
The Book I've Been Reading:
Favorite Pig Out Food:
Nickname:
Favorite Performer:
Prized Possession:
People always think I'm:
I'd give anything to meet:
Favorite Annual Event:
A really great evening to me is:
My Fantasy Is:
The One Thing I Can't Stand is:
If I Could Change One Thing About Myself:
I'm Really Good At:
My Most Irrational Act:
If I've Learned One Thing In Life It's:
Major accomplishment:
Hobbies:
Three words that best describe me:
And in closing...
Ellen DeGeneres has come out of the closet and declared to the world that she is indeed a lesbian. She says, that though she likes hanging out with men, she prefers the company of women when it comes to dating and sex. My friends; I too have an announcement...I am also a lesbian. Oh like you didn't see that one coming.
Mike's worst nightmare.
(Or one man's midlife crisis is another man's daughter)
Let's reinforce our lawn furniture people!
The latest kick from the Disney Company, is to make live action movies of their older animated classics.
Sandra Bullock
Val Kilmer
Meryl Streep
Tom Cruise
Michael J. Fox
Danny DeVito
Christian Slater
Joe Pesci
Dennis Rodman
Sylvester Stallone
more or less
(o.k. that ones a stretch)
Kevin went to the Big Easy,
& all I got was this stupid Newsletter.
Teri and Irma
Joan S.
August 28, 1960.
Arlington Heights, Il.
Dietician at American Dietetic Association.
Chicago.
Improving my patience.
Dishing up pureed food on a hospital tray line.
"Apollo 13" (we don't get out much).
"Go, dog, go": by Dr. Suess.
Doritos.
"Hey".
Joan and husband Pete
Angela Lansbury.
My family.
The dark haired girl on "Dynasty".
My grandparents.
The opening of the Gin and Tonic season, a.k.a, the first warm day of spring.
Lingering over a really great dinner with a bottomless bottle of champagne.
Being a happy millionaire.
In the garden.
People who don't pick up after their dogs.
I'd be more confident about my decisions.
Tying a knot in a cherry stem with my tongue.
Voting for Ross Perot in 1994.
Have no regrets.
Having no moving traffic violations.
Travel, golf, gardening, gastronomy (food).
Energetic, determined, happy.