Some quick stuff about last issue...
First; yes the story about Dr. Jeff and his Ouigi Board was true. I did have some of the details wrong, but basically everything I wrote really happened. If you don't believe me, give Jeff a call and ask him all the questions you want. But I have to warn you that lately he's been busy trying to conact the "Heaven's Gate" people.
Secondly; no, the story about the "Flintstones" was not true. See; they're just cartoons people, they're not real. Okay? Good.
In other news, I'm trying to upgrade my computer. I'm adding a scanner and some new software. I wanted to have all this new stuff ready to use by this issue, but I've run into a few snags. Don't worry though, I have a team of crack computer jockeys working on the problem and they should have all the bugs worked out by next issue.
Well that's all from me, gotta run; the comets coming and I still have to iron my purple shroud.
See ya, Kevin.
Important Stuff About Friends & Lovers
Jeff bought a new car; an Acura. He says he bought it because his old car was falling apart. I say he got it so I wouldn't recognize him when he's stalking me.
Cheri and Jeff are going to France for a week, to visit some friends of theirs who live there. This is Cheri's third trip to Europe in 3 years and Jeff's second in 6 months. Ooooo, part of the "Jetset" now are we?
I told you so! I have run into Jeff twice since he bought his new car. I have pepper spray Jeff!
Vicki and Dan became engaged on New Years Eve. The nuptials will be taking place in August. You have my blessing.
Required photo of Cheri
My friend Jennifer C., (Mrs. Mike T. for those of you not in the know) is starring in Guys and Dolls out at the Pheasent Run. She's playing Sarah, that's the lead female role. Now check this out...she's willing to give out discount tickets to all of you "Kal's Pals". Pretty cool huh? Call her for details at 312 000.0000. If you don't want to go; surprise your mom, tickets are always make a nice Mother's Day present.
Here's a scary thought. Remember my scrawny little cousin Sean? Well he's not so scrawny anymore. In fact he's quite muscular, and he now works for the U.S. government. He's a border patrol guard, which means he's licensed to carry a firearm. I told it it was scary.
Apparently I made a typo last issue. Dave S. tried out that little Spanish phrase I printed last issue for Mikey to try at work. Dave was at the House of Blues watching some band from Mexico, when he tried to make nice conversation with a very large Mexican gentleman (who was dressed in leather motorcycle gear). It seems that "mi pinga es muy caliente" has nothing to do with the weather. Oops. Sorry Dave.
Brad moved to a new apartment in Libertyville in March. He's now a hell of a lot closer to his job (which is in Grayslake) then he used to be. He's also a lot closer to the "Kev-Fest" fair grounds (otherwise known as my parents place in Trevor Wisconsin). Which is going to make it so much easier for him to get there early and help me set things up. What a guy!
By now most of you know that I have shaved my head. Yes, it is now as smooth as a baby's bottom. I don't know how long I'll keep it like this, but until I do decide to grow it back, here are some of the benefits to having a clean head.
My cross dressing wigs fit better.
My cable reception is better.
I'm making big bucks at Grocery Store Grand Openings posing as Mr. Clean,
I get tons of free food pretending to be Chris Zorich.
I'ts now easier for me to walk around with my head up my ass.
Just a little ditty
(Sing to the tune of "At The Hop")
Put on a purple shroud,
Let's go to Hale-Bopp, oh baby,
Applewhite's our leader,
Let's go to Hale-Bopp, oh baby,
Baseball season is here, and I decided to honor it with a "Special Baseball Issue". I took many of my usual features, and threw them a curve, to give them a baseball slant. Hope you like it. Now please stand and join me, as we sing the National Anthem.
HOLY COW! It's the Special Baseball Page.
Kal's Pals Salutes...
The popular "Seventh Inning Stretch" song "Take me out to the ball game", which includes the immortal lyric "buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack" was first published in1907, but Cracker Jack was a favorite snack of baseball fans way before then.
In 1871, right after the Great Chicago Fire, Freddy and a partner started up a street stand that sold popcorn. Two years later Fred bought out his partner, and brought his two brothers over from Germany to help him in his business. The brothers Rueckheim decided to expand their business beyond popcorn, and added marshmellows, peanuts, taffy molasses and other candy to their menu. They were so successful that they had to move to larger quarters 6 times in 10 years to keep up with demand. Popcorn apparently being the Star Bucks coffee of its time.
In 1893 Chicago was host to the World's Columbian Expositon, which saw 21 million people pass through it's gates. It was here that American's from all over the country got their first taste of the product that would soon be known as Cracker Jack, and they loved it. Wanting to have something special to sell at the Expo, the Rueckheim's coated their popcorn with molasses and added peanuts. After the World's fair, the brothers couldn't keep up with production; people who had been to the fair and had tasted "CrackerJack" wanted to buy it where they lived and so once agin the brothers Ruckheim expanded their operations.
So. when was the name "Cracker Jack" first used? Well, it was in 1896, when, as legend has it, a friend of Rueckheim's tasted a handful of the product and exclaimed "That's cracker Jack!" At the time, "cracker" was a common slang term meaning excellent, and "Jack", a term used much as "man" is used today. So if Cracker Jack had been invented today, it might be named "Awesome Man".
Up until 1899 Cracker Jack was sold in bulk, and was shipped to retailers in large wooden tubs. Back then, you'd go into a store and scoop your Cracker Jack out into a paper bag and take it home. A lot of Jack was being ruined though by moisture and seeping into the wooden tubs. In 1899 a packaging expert by the name of Henry Eckstein joined the company and created the wax sealed, moisture proof, handy rectangular box we're all so familar with today. Sailor Jack and his faithful dog Bingo were added to the red, white and blue box in 1918. Jack was modeled after Rueckheim's grandson Robert, who sadly died of pneumonia shortly after the new packaging was introduced. An image of Robert in his sailor suit was carved into his tombstone at St. Henry's Cemetery in Chicago, and can still be seen there today.
Cracker Jack didn't always have a prize in it either. At first it only had a coupon worth a discount on your next purchase. The first prize didn't appear until somewhere around 1910. The records are sketchy on what the first prize actually was; though many reports say it was what? A baseball card of course.
The formula for Cracker Jack has never changed, not even when it was purchased by Borden's in 1964. And even though Cracker Jack has never extensively advertised, the product sells more today then it ever has.
Buy me some peanuts and Carcker Jack. Indeed.
Haiku here!
The warm winds touch me.
Similarities between
The Babe
The Babe
The Babe
The Babe
The Babe
The Babe
A Tale of Two Ball Parks
They were the best of fields, they were the worst of fields. Man that's good! And appropriate, because just like the two cities (Atlanta and Boston) in Charles Dicken's civil war epic, "Some Tail in Two Cities", Chicago's north and south have been divided by war for many years. Oh maybe not a war of bullets and blood, but certainly one of baseballs and mustard. Of course I'm talking about war between ballparks; the "friendly confines" of Wrigley Field home of the Cubs, on the northside, and the ultra modern home of the White Sox, Comiskey Park on the south.
Now I'm not even going to debate which is the better team, (as of this writing the Cubs are 0 and 10) because I'ma fan of both, admittedly much more of a Cub fan, but I will also root for the Sox when the're doing good. What I'm offering here is my opinion on which ball park I think is better. Also, this little contest is between Wrigley Field and the new Comiskey, not the old one. That park was a classic, flaws and all, but since it's gone, I have to judge against what's there now.
This is my opinion; you of course have your own, and I gladly welcome your views, but right now here's what I think. You can tell me your opinion some other time.
So, without further rambling, I present my very own version of "North and South". Glory, glory, Hallejuah.
FOOD
Wrigley Field offers pretty standard stuff when it comes to food: hot dogs, nachos, frosty malts, and though all these things are fine ball park fare, there is nothing outstanding about them at all. In fact, Wrigley hasn't had any outstanding food since they sold "Ron Santo's Pizza's" back in the '60's. Comiskey on the other hand is chock full of delicious chow. You can get everything from steak sandwiches to chorros; and who among us can resist a Comiskey Park polish smothered in grilled onions, mmm, mmm, mmm! So if you want good grub while watching the game, the south side is your place to be.
Wrigley Field: 2 Runs
SEATING
Wrigley Field: 2 Runs
AFTER THE GAME
Wrigley Field: Grand Slam
GENERAL AMBIENCE
Wrigley Field: Grand Slam
FINAL SCORE
Wrigley Field: 12
Sorry southsiders.
Junk Drawer
Up until the early 1950's, baseball players would leave their mitts out in the field when their team went up to bat. When the inning was over, they would just drop their mitt on the field and leave it there until they came back to their position.
Kal's Pals Trivia
Liane B.
Who the Hell are You!?
Name:
Birthday:
Birthplace:
Occupation:
Current Home:
Working On:
Worst Job Experience:
The Last Good Movie I Saw:
The Book I've Been Reading:
Favorite Pig Out Food:
Nickname:
Favorite Performer:
Prized Possession:
People always think I'm:
I'd give anything to meet:
Favorite Annual Event:
A really great evening to me is:
My Fantasy Is:
The One Thing I Can't Stand is:
If I Could Change One Thing About Myself:
I'm Really Good At:
My Most Irrational Act:
If I've Learned One Thing In Life It's:
Major accomplishment:
Hobbies:
Three words that best describe me:
and in closing...
Just a small sample of what the world will be like once Human Cloning is perfected.
Scary huh?
Dave is fine now, by the way.
wear it loud and wear it proud,
oh Hale-Bopp. Bop, bop, bop bop bebop.
Fill your pants with dollar bills,
gulp down some booze, gulp down some pills,
oh Hale-Bopp. Bop, bop, bop bop bebop.
Cut off your genitalia, & the aliens won't fail ya,
at Hale-Bopp. Bop, bop, bop bop bebop.
let's go to Hale-Bopp, oh honey,
let's go to Hale-Bopp, oh baby
let's go to Hale-Bopp.
UFO's are flying by,
so the whole cult's gonna die, at Hale-Bopp.
though he doesn't have a peter,
oh Hale-Bopp. Bop, bop, bop bop bebop.
Put your suitcase by your bed,
and your plastic on your head,
oh Hale-Bopp. Bop, bop, bop bop bebop.
Our bodies won't contain us,
so we're leaving for Uranus
oh Hale-Bopp. Bop, bop, bop bop bebop.
let's go to Hale-Bopp, oh honey,
let's go to Hale-Bopp, oh baby
let's go to Hale-Bopp.
We're leaving "Heaven's Gate",
so don't be late for Heaven's sake, for Hale-Bopp.
Cracker Jack
Cracker Jack was the creation of Frederick William Rueckheim, a German immigrant, who used $200 he had saved while doing farm work, to open up a business in Chicago.
The caramelized popcorn sold by the Rueckheim Brothers at the fair wasn't really an original idea. People had been eating molasses coated popcorn balls for ages, but what made the Rueckheim's product so special was the addition of peanuts in the mix.. You see, back in those days, peanuts were a novelty snack sold mainly at circuses, and weren't as readily available as they are now.
Getcher Haiku here!
In Japan, poets mark the changing of the seasons by writing a Haiku to honor the season that approaches.
Every spring I do the same thing to honor baseball.
Here is this year's Haiku, may it bring you much joy.
The green, green grass beckons me.
"Beer man! Two here please!"
Kevin & Babe Ruth
Was a really big fat guy.
Kevin
Is a really big fat guy.
Often had a hot dog and a beer per inning.
Kevin
So. Who hasn't?
Was nicknamed the "Sultan of Swat".
Kevin
Is nicknamed "The Sultan of Sweat".
Real name was George Herman Ruth.
Kevin
Dated a girl named Ruth Herman, and let me tell you, she was a real babe.
Hit 714 home runs .
Kevin
Has eaten many Baby Ruths.
Played for the Yankees.
Kevin
Once played Lola in the musical "Damn Yankees".
Comiskey Park: Grand Slam
Both parks are pretty much equal when it comes to seating. All the seats at Wrigley offer a freat view, but in the Grandstands there are tons of pillars to obstruct your view. Comiskey's seats are fine as long as you don't sit in the nosebleed seats. If you do, watch out for low flying planes. Wrigley's seats are closer but more crampped, Comiskey's are roomier but further back. It's a draw.
Comiskey Park: 2 Runs
After you leave a Sox game you can go get a really good pork chop sandwich, but that's about it, on the other hand, you can't spit at Wrigley without hitting another tavern or resturant to go to.
Comiskey Park: 1 Runs
I don't think that there's any comparison here. Though Comiskey is the newer, sleeker, state of the art ball park it is riddled with design flaws. It lacks any of the grace of the older parks, it's basically a big concrete bowl, without any heart to it at all. And even though Comiskey has really good fireworks displays, it just doesn't cut it next to Wrigley Field. Wrigley is one of the oldest ball parks in the nation, it's a piece of history, and that feeling of history oozes from every seat. This is the park where Babe Ruth alledgeately pointed to left field, then hit a home run to the spot he had pointed to, where the great Bill Veeck planted ivy on the outfield walls, where they have the only manually operated score board in the major leagues. You can sit in any seat (and even though the originals are gone) and picture some guy, back in 1933, sitting in the same spot as you, in his pressed suit and straw hat, watching the Cubs lose another one. This ball park is timeless to me, it's one of the best things about Chicago, if not the world. How can the southside compete with that?
Comiskey Park: 2 Runs
Comiskey Park: 9
Which Kal's pal once worked with Minnie Minosa's daughter?
Kathy K.
February 15, 1958.
Frank Cuneo Memorial Hospital, Chicago, Il.
Employee Relations Representative for
American Eagle/Simmons Airlines in Chicago.
Elmhurst, Il.
House hunting and my tan.
Selling circus tickets by phone.
"Fargo" (we don't get out much).
"The Runaway Jury": by John Grisham.
Peterson's Ice Cream from Oak Park.
"Kitty" or "K".
My old man.
Collection of China from occupied Japan.
Funny, really funny.
Princess Diana.
Need you even ask?
Downtown Cocktail Club Christmas Party.
Any evening I don't have to cook.
Harrison Ford, Jim Carrey, leather straps, and a pastry bag.
People who talk to my boobs instead of my face.
I would be a lottery winner.
Planning vacations.
Mooning my former boss.
Life's too short to be in a constant state of agitation.
Quitting smoking.
Travel, reading, gardening, drinking.
(Not necessarily in that order).
"Don't ever change".