Well here it is February 1997, and my September 1996 issue is finally ready. What took so long? Any number of things. First, I've been real busy at work lately. You have no idea how the flu season has kept me hopping at the office lately. Toilet paper sales are up 200%; and when people run out of toilet paper during flu season, the shit really hits the...oh never mind, that joke's way too obvious. Another thing occupying my time is that I am now "on-line". I now spend all of my free time down loading nude photos of woman off the internet. But besides all of that, the main reason this issue has taken so long to get out, is this...I'm just not funny anymore. No really, I'm not. Case in point: I spent about a month trying to come up with a parody song of "The Macarena" and all I came up with was the lame title "Hey. Michael Bania". To be quite frank, I think I've already used up all of my best stuff, and that's not saying much.
This issue also went through a ton of changes. Originally it was going to be a "theme" issue. It was going to come out at Halloween and everything in it was going to be scary (check out the Jeff story below). Then I changed it to a Holiday Issue; one bit...my favorite things about Christmas (Number One: trapping my cousin under the mistletoe"), but the holidays are long gone now. So there's nothing special about this about this issue, or nothing really funny either, but hey enjoy it anyway. But maybe once I get this issue out of the way the next one will flow more freely from the creative cess pool that is my brain.
Anyway, I hope your holidays were good and all is well, and if I haven't talked to you lately, give me a call. Make an effort once in a while for God's sake. I mean I'm the asshole sending out the fucking newsletter all the time, it's the least you can do. Jeeze!
See ya, Kevin.
Important Stuff About Friends & Lovers
Well let's start the big news first...Liane is expecting and she's due sometime in June. I guess those rumors of Mike's impotence were false after all. This also in from Transbania...Mike, got a new job. He is now in charge of the graphics department at Channel 66, one of the Spanish Language T.V. stations here in Chicago. Thsi should be interesting since Mike dosen't speak any Spanish. Hey Mike, here's a little greeting I leared that should help you..."Hola Senorita, mi pinga es muy caliente." I think it means "Good Morning. Isn't it a beautiful day?" Let me know how that goes Mikey.
Where to begin? Okay. First Brad ran the Chicago marathon again. Some of us went and cheered him on this year, and I must say it was a pretty cool thing to see our little Bradley out there running his heart out. I mean the guy ran 26 miles in 4 hours! 26 miles! That's like a thousand trips from my couch to the fridge. Jeeze, I need a beer just writing about it. Also, at the end of October, Brad got a new job. He's finally working as new counselor. He's out in Gray's Lake, which is about half way to Milwaukee, working with emotionally troubled kids. And finally since he works so far away, and his car was pretty old, he bought a new red Saturn Coupe. At this pace we expect Brad to be married with kids by July.
Doctor Jeff...BUMM, BUMM, BUMM!
Here's a spooky story starring... Years ago, Jeff and his Aunt use to play around with an Ouija Board. They would use it every once in a while to "talk" to the Aunt's father. Just for fun mind you; they'd use it, have their fun , laugh about it and never take it too seriously. Never mind that theye were giving up part of their souls to Satan playing with this tool of evil; but that's beside the point. Anyway, one day a neighbor of theirs was found dead in her home under mysterious circumstances. The killer was never found.
Later that month Jeff and Auntie were at it again, and instead of the usual friendly ghost they got when they played, this time they got their dead neighbor. This was quite a shock. They soon recovered and asked her how she was feeling. She spelled out "S.A.D." "Why sad?" they asked, to which she spelled out "G.E.O.R.G.E.", which was the name of her son. "Why are you sad about George?" they inquired. To which she spelled out"P.I.L...oh the hell with it, she spelled out "pillow". And then she cut off contact. Fast forward seventeen years. Jeff is watching the evening news, when guess what? George has confessed that 17 years ago he took a pillow and smothered his mother. That's the story I was told boys and girls. You believe what you want to believe. But either way do me a favor...call Dr. Jeff and when he answers the phone, start screaming "REDRUM" "REDRUM" "REDRUM" about five or so times, then hang up. He loves that.
And speaking of Jeff...he and Pete S. went to London for a week. Joan, Pete's wife stayed here with the kids while the boys went to answer that age old question...does England swing like a pendulum do? I asked Jeff to bring me back an order of fish and chips, and an autographed picture of Petula Clark. Oh Petula.
Cheri had to watch her father's dogs while he went on vacation. The female had to pee every 10 minutes, and the male kept humping everything in sight, Reminds me of ome couples I know.
I started playing in a volleyball league again. Remember when we all used to play and there was always one guy who was much older than everybody else and was really out of shape? Well, I'm now that guy.
Chris W. eloped.
Tom F. got a new job. He'll soon be working for Arthur Anderson & Co. As if Tom wasn't wound tight enough already. Look for his name in the papers soon. Key words in the headline will be "disgruntled" and "automatic weapon".
Just a little ditty
(Sing to the tune of "Camptown Races")
Dennis Rodman kicked my nuts.
Required photo of Cheri
Facts about Urine
Urine is sterile.
Yabba, Dabba, D'oh!
The Simpsons just surpassed The Flintstones as the longest running, prime time cartoon. This got me thinking about what ever happened to everybodie's favorite "modern stone-age family". I mean, you don't hear too much about them these days, except for the occasional silly rumor, like "Bam-bam getting killed in the invasion of Panama. So I did a little research into the whereabouts of the orignal characters and here's what I found. Some of it you might know, some you might find surprising, and some you might find down right tragic.
Fred
Wilma
Pebbles
Barney
Betty
Bam Bam
The Great Gazoo
and finally Dino passed away in 1989.
The Hills are Alive...
This little tidbit will be of interest to some of our readers; they'll know who they are.
Rest easy America, I'm always on the watch.
Like I said earlier; I've been on a creative slump.
It just makes me laugh
At the loading dock of a building I call on, there's an ashtray mounted to the wall. On this ash tray is an illustration of a half man/ half cigarette, who at one time was saying "We snuff our butts out here". Well over the years, people have scratched out some of the letters and this "cigarette-man" (apologies to the X-Files) now says "We sniff our butts here". I know that this is possibly the most juvenile thing in the world, but everytime I see it, I just burst out laughing. I always forget that it's there, but when I get on the dock, BOOM! I start laughing like an idiot. Why do I laugh? I don't know. It's childish, off color, and totally predictable, when it's there I laugh at it, but five minutes later I forget all about it. Hmmmmm, I either just desrcibed my newsletter, the lastest Paulie Shore movie, or both.
Science
Those wacky science boys are at it again. This time they've discovered that there are pockets of ice on the moon. They say that this ice will be very important if we ever try to colonize the moon. I agree; we'll need ice to keep the beer cold at the "Why am I living on the fucking moon!?" party!
Intel just announced that they have developed a new computer chip that can do over two billion functions a second. A teeny tiny chip that does two billion different things at one time! That's incredi.........Oops, sorry about that. I tried to type and chew gum at the same time there.
Quote of the Month
Okay, in all fairness to Cheri, this comment is taken entirely out of context. At the time that she made it, she was referring to Tommy T.'s new haircut. Tom thought his hair was looking a little thin from behind, which prompted Cheri to make the comment to your left.
Just so you know, I will no longer explain these quotes. Just it take it for granted that they are all taken out of context and twisted to suit my evil needs.
Junk Drawer
The words "Under God" weren't always in They were added in 1954.
Kal's Pals Trivia
Which Kal's pal once had Channel 5 weatherman
Mikey B.
I've changed the name of the following feature from "Spotlight On..."
Who the Hell are You!?
Name:
Birthday:
Birthplace:
Occupation:
Current Home:
Working On:
Worst Job Experience:
The Last Good Movie I Saw:
The Book I've Been Reading:
Favorite Pig Out Food:
Nickname:
Favorite Performer:
Prized Possession:
People always think I'm:
I'd give anything to meet:
Favorite Annual Event:
A really great evening to me is:
My Fantasy Is:
The One Thing I Can't Stand is:
If I Could Change One Thing About Myself:
I'm Really Good At:
My Most Irrational Act:
If I've Learned One Thing In Life It's:
Major accomplishment:
Hobbies:
Three words that best describe me:
and in closing...
Renown psychic Jean Dixon passed away on January 26th. Apparently this was quite a shock to her family and friends. Miss Dixon had of course predicted that she would die one day...it was just which day, that she wasn't so clear about.
Conduit to the Spirit World
Doctor Jeff, BUMM, BUMM, BUMM!
Conduit to the Spirit World!
DooDah, DooDah.
Now I got 200 thousand bucks.
All the DooDah day!
Urine cures sea urchin stings.
Urine is used to make ice melting products for winter.
Urine is used to make fertilizer.
Urine glows under a black light.
Urine will clear up zits, if applied from
your first stream in the morning.
Like so many other stars of the small screen, Fred thought that his future lay in movies, so he quit the show, (which lasted only one season with the second "Fred". I guess he wasn't as replacable as the second Darren Stevens). What followed for the lovable caveman were a series of bad movies. Fred soon found himself being typecast in every role that did come his way. There aren't many roles for a leopard-skin wearing Cro-magnon man. Soon Fred became persona non grata in Hollywood and could only get work opening the occasional grocery store, or strip mall. Years later, only three days before shooting was to begin on a "flinstones" reunion show, Fred yelled his last "Yabba, dabba do!" and died of a heart attack. You can only eat so many of those giant slabs of ribs before it catches up to you.
The lovely redhead married the producer of "The Flinstones", Mario Van Pebbles, and is still active in television. She is currently on Suddenly Susan with Brooke Shields.
A too familar story in Hollywood, Pebble's story ends as do many stories of child stars...in tragedy. After the cancellation of "The Flinstones" Pebble's life took one bad turn after another. Her real parents divorced and Pebble's ended up suing her father over mismanagement of her earnings which he had gambled away. In a desparate attempt to revive her career the 16 year old Pebbles slept with Roman Pulanski which caused him to flee the country as a fugitive from the law, and thus cancelling the movie which would have rescued Pebble's career. Soon Pebbles turned to drugs and became a heroin addict, this led to her performing in adult films to support her habit. Pebbles died of an overdose in 1982.
Mr. Rubble returned to his first love, the stage, and is currently performing in the Chicago production of Showboat.
The hottest babe in Bedrock is now retired and a grandmother of 7.
Is a Sherrif's Police Officer in Encino.
Is an activist for Gay Rights.
In the movie The Sound of Music; during the song of the same name Julie Andrews sings this line..."to laugh like a brook when it trips and falls over stones on its way."; but in the original Broadway version Mary Martin sang "to laugh like a brook when it trips and falls over stones in its way." Whose version is the correct version? Well, Roger Hammerstein's original manuscript was recently found, and in his handwriting the lyric is "in it's way."
"The Pledge of Allegiance". 
Andy Avalos over to his house for a pork chop dinner?
I thought the new title fit the tone of "Kal's Pals" a little better.
Let me know what you think.
Yeah, right. Like you even give a shit.
Or like I give a shit about what you think.
Tom T.
December 29, 1959.
Saint Anne's Hospital, Chicago, Il.
Chief cook and bottle washer.
Chicago, Il.
Making "Orchard" grow.
Editor's Note: Orchard is Tom's company.
Scraping "Sample" off of pills at a drugstore in High School.
"Toy Story".
"Op Center": by Tom Clancy.
Cheeseburgers.
"Trucs" or "Tommy".
Barry White, Sting, & Zepplin.
My wife, but I'm dead if she see me referring to her as a possesion.
Busy.
Gil Amelio, (SEO of Apple) to have a chat.
Usually Christmas with my family.
A night with friends, unstructured, impromptu.
A big family (you asked for a fantasy).
People who aren't humble.
Have a better memory, and follow through on things.
Understanding processes.
Some of the women I've dated in the past.
Work hard, play hard, be patient; success comes in different forms.
Owning a home with Mary.
Computers, tinkering.
Patient, emotional, scattered.