More letters...

Dear Kal,

Who is Mike B.?
I've known you for years, and even though you mention this Mike person every issue, I've never met him. It just seems odd. It also seems odd that you only ever use one photo of him. Why is that?

Signed: Baniac.

Dear Baniac,

Well the jig is up. Mike, like many of the people
featured in Kal's Pals is just a figment of my
imagination. He's a fictional character I created to add
a little color to some of the things I write, much like Mike Royko does with his fictional character "Slats Grobnick". Other fictional characters are "Dr. Jeff", "Cheri" & "The German Candle Girl".

As to the one picture of Mike, that's just something I cut out of a magazine.

Dear Kal,

Didn't Beth B. promise you that she would do a
feature about Jicama?

Signed: Jicamaniac

Dear Jicamaniac,

Yes she did. But obviously, "Kal's Pals" just isn't that important to little Ms. B.

Dear Kal,

Are these letters for real or do you just make them up.
And if so; why?

Signed: Fake Letter Writer

Dear Fake,

I make them up. As to why I do it, it should be obvious; I'm lonely and pathetic.

See ya,

Kevin.

Important Stuff About Friends & Lovers

Steve A. had a very cool Fourth of July bash. You could see fireworks from all over the city from his roof top deck. It was very festive, but it gave me flashbacks of "Nam".

Mary to the Rescue

While driving down Western Avenue one day, Mary G. noticed a family of baby ducks wandering all alone without a mommy duck anywhere in sight. Mary, fearing for the safety of the ducklings, quickly pulled over to help them. With the aide of a Hispanic gentleman (who didn't speak much English) Mary was able to gather up all the poor little orphans. The unnamed Hispanic gentleman, who worked across the street form all of this, said he would take the ducklings home & raise them as part of his family.

Later that day, Mary heard of an Animal Shelter that would take in little strays. She then called the Hispanic gentleman and offered to bring the cute little ducks to the shelter, if it was o.k. with him. But unfortunately it was too late...the guy had cooked them up for dinner! Just kidding. He said sure come get them, so Mary did just that.

Mary, I know St. Francis is watching over you.

In Touch with
my Feminine Side

I spent Memorial Day with Renee V. & Colleen O. They made me watch The Bridges of Madison County and Waiting to Exhale. I can't complain though, because I also got to watch Colleen give Renee a back rub, then, she gave me a back rub, then, we painted all of our toes, made "S'mores", tried on Teddy's, and had a pillow fight.

Okay you caught me; I made up some of that last part...we didn't make "S'mores".

Pam M. won a new Chevy Cavalier in a raffle at the Irish American Heritage Center Festival. Car bomb not included.

Required photo of Cheri

Cheri rode her bike in the Late Night Bike Ride July 14th. For those of you not familiar with the trek, it starts and ends at Buckingham Fountain, with 25 miles of city streets in between. It also starts at 1:30 in the morning. Needless to say our girl was pretty sore and tired by the end of the ride. Of course I offered her a butt massage, but she turned me down.

In other sporting news Riff-Raff, Mikey B.'s softball team, had their season cancelled on them. They were over a month into their season and still hadn't played a game. All the rain in May and June just screwed everything up. The schedule was so backed up, the park where they were scheduled to play, had no choice but to cancel their season. This is the first time in 18 years that Mike and the boys won't play in an official league.

Mary S. got a new job, but I guess this happened a long time ago, so you probably already heard about this.

The other Mary S. is back from Europe and had a great time. "I went to Lourdes because you know, I'm Catholic". Also, her cousin sarah is on the current season of M TV's smash hit show , "The Real World". You know, it's the show where they "take seven strangers" and put them in a house together for 5 months to see what happens. The show is so bad it's good, but Sarah seems very nice.

On August 6th, my cousin Jo Marie gave birth to her second son. The little tyke is named Adian John, who weighted in at 8 lbs. 1 oz. and is 20 and 3 quarter inches long. Labor took 5 hours, and the whole thing was done at home; which can be a little rough on the carpeting.

You Make Me Dizzy
Miss Lizzy

In the past six months, Cheri's sister Liz, who is 18, has moved 6 times!

Here's a little map of the path she's taken.

There really is no point to this story, except that Liz has a little too much excess energy, and that maybe she could use a boyfriend to help her burn some of it off.

The Unabomber says...

"That Jeffery Dahmer was bad enough...but Marge Schotz; whoo boy, what a looney".

A direct Quote from Marge Schotz...
"Jeffery Dahmer wasn't such a bad guy, he just got hungry."

WARNING! The joke below is sexist and crude!

My favorite term from the Olympics.

"The Snatch". It's one of the events in weight lifting.
"Boy! He really nailed that snatch, that time!"

The Hair Club for Kal

All last basketball season I was inspired by Dennis Rodman
and his ever changing hair styles. If I had hair, I'm sure I
would try some funky hair-dos now and then myself. But
since I don't, and can't, I decided to try some new "do's" out on a few of my friends. Here they are, if you like these, call me, I'd be more than happy to design a new "do" for you.

Sincerely yours,

Mr. Kevin.

Rockabilly Brad

Mike in an afro

Cheri in a powdered wig
from the French revolution

Kevin with a bald head and goatee
...Hey! Wait a minute!

Kal's Pals Salutes...
the Zipper!

Imagine this...

You've been out drinking with a bunch of your friends. You're driving home, and you have just enough beer in you to regret not going to the can before you left that last bar. The deadly combination of red lights and pot holes really has you squeezing your legs together, praying that you make it home before your eyeballs come shooting out of your skull, propelled by a stream of urine, like a cork out of an over carbonated champagne bottle.

You finally reach home, run to the bathroom and just as sweet relief is in sight you wet your pants struggling to undo the buttons on your "button fly jeans".

That little scene would happen constantly (to me anyway) if not for the efforts of Whitcomb Judson, a Chicago engineer, who on August 29, 1893 was awarded a patent for what was in effect the world's first "zipper".

Judson, an established inventor with dozens of patents, couldn't get anyone interested in his "clasp-locker". The truth be known, the damn thing probably scared people. His original design for the clasp-locker looked more like a device of torture then a device for closing dresses. made of barbed steel hooks, woman probably feared tearing their flesh before getting their dress to close. It wasn't until another engineer, Gideon Sundback messed with the clasp-locker in 1913 that it began to show some promise. Gideon's version was lighter, smaller and more relaible, which made it perfect for it's first real test...being used on the clothing and equipment of U.S. soldiers in World War One. After the war, "zippers" were everywhere.

In 1923 B.F. Goodrich put them on their rubber goloshes, and it was Mr. Goodrich himself who coined the name "zipper", after the "zip" sound they made when in use.

Of course nowadays zippers are used everywhere in the world; but poor Mr. Jusdson went to his grave thinking that there'd never be any practical use for his little "clasp-locker".

"Captain! I've just discovered a new life form, but I don't think it's intelligent!"

This is friend David T.. He went to college with Mike and Me, and like Mike and me, he is somewhat of a Comic Book geek (but you love us anyway).

At this year's Comic Book Convention, David T. met one of his heroes; Mr. Jagoff...oops. I mean Mr. Chekov.

And thus David T. has made his way into the Kal's Pals, Brush with Greatness Hall of Shame.

Later at the convention, Mike and I pantsed Spiderman.

The number of chairs I've broken this summer at bar-b-ques?

"I'll have a double Whopper with cheese, biggie fries and a chocolate shake please."

Top 10 Mob Flicks

The Movie Casino finally came out on video, and even though I thought Scorsese and crew did a much better job in Goodfellas, it still ranks as one of my top 10 favorite mob flicks. Here are the others.

10. American Me
The history of a fictional East L.A. Mexican street gang starring Edward James Olmos. The gang in the movie is imaginary, but their history mirrors the evolution of real east L.A. gangs from the Zoot sutiers of the 40's to present day gang-bangers. Very violent, but very good.

9. Once Upon A Time In America
Follow 5 young Jewish kids and their rise to power during the 1920's. Starring James Woods and Robert DeNiro so you know it has to be good.

8. Men of Honor
This is a retelling of Macbeth, but instead of Scotish kings, everybody is an Italian mobster. Very clever. Starring John Turturro & Dennis Farina. 7. The Godfather Part 3
Okay. Honestly this is just here to round out the trilogy. It has some good moments, but over all the story is a mess, and Francis Ford's daughter Sophia Coppola is terrible.

6. A Bronx Tale
More of a coming of age movie then a mobster flick, but the mob stuff is still very good. It is also DeNiro's directorial debut.

5. Mean Streets
This is like the second movie ever made by Scorsese. Young turk DeNiro screws some wiseguys & Harvey Keitel tries to bale him out. An interesting point of this movie is that in this early piece from these three guys, Keitel is was given the lead and not DeNiro.

4. Casino
A great fact based movie about the mob as they start to lose control in Vegas. Joe Pesci is great as mob thug Tony Spilotro.

3. Goodfellas
A very unromantized look at the mob. Pesci's best work ever outside of Lethal Weapon 3.

2. The Godfather Part 2
The perfect sequel to a truly classic film; It deserves every award it ever won.

and at number one...

1. The Godfather
What can I say, it's the Godfather of all mob movies, and yet it's so much more. definately an American film classic, it's probably one of the top ten movies of all time. This movie is over twenty years old, and if you haven't seen it yet, shame on you.

I'm Losing My Mind

The other morning as I was waking up, the d.j. on the radio was lamenting how he was going to miss "Butler" the former Chicago Bear's place kicker.

It took me about ten mimutes to remember Butler's first name.

For those of you who don't know, Butler's first name is Kevin.

Promise you'll visit me in the home. Please?

Science in the News

Scientists from NASA have found evidence that life once existed on Mars. Now if they can only prove it exists in the suburbs.

Another group of scientists (believe me, there are thousands of these groups) have discovered a gene in worms, that when they mess with it, they double the life span of the worm. So! It appears the last laugh is on all of those old girlfriends of mine. "You're a worm", indeed. A worm yes, but it appears I'll be around a lot longer then them.

Quote of the Month

Junk Drawer

The mother of Michael Nesmith (of"The Monkees"invented Liquid Paper. Mike, more or less invented MTV

Spotlight On...
Dave K.

Young Dave (on far right) with sis & bro.

Birthday:
August 22, 1958.

Birthplace:
Chicago, Il.

Occupation:
Facility designer/Manager.

Current Home:
Arlington Heights, Il.

Working On:
Rec Room/Bar.

Worst Job Experience:
Cleaning toilets at the Standard Oil Building.

The Last Good Movie I Saw:
"Independence Day".

The Book I've Been Reading:
Anything to do with architecture.

Favorite Pig Out Food:
Pizza.

Nickname:
"Stud Muffin" (according to my wife).

Favorite Performer:
Clint Eastwood.

Linda & Dave : Linda & Tim Wiegel

Prized Possession:
My wife (just kidding).

People always think I'm:
Angry.

I'd give anything to meet:
Paulina Porizkova.

Favorite Annual Event:
Sex.

Where's Sammy?

A really great evening to me is:
A night out minus kids.

My Fantasy Is:
See above.

The One Thing I Can't Stand is:
Snobs.

If I Could Change One Thing About Myself:
To have male dominant chromosomes.

I'm Really Good At:
Honey-do lists.

My Most Irrational Act:
Kids.

If I've Learned One Thing In Life It's:
You can't figure women out.

Major accomplishment:
Survival.

Hobbies:
Carpentry.

Three words that best describe me:
Work, work, work.

and in closing...

Notes from the Democratic National Convention