Here's a couple of letters I received that I thought I should answer.
"Dear Kal,
I've read your last couple of newsletters, and noticed that you talk about butts an awful lot. I think you have quite an anal fixation."
Hey butthole! You know what I say to that? KISS MY ASS! I think you're the one with a fixation. It's just a couple of jokes for cripes sake, loosen up, have an enema or something. Anal fixation indeed. Ha! What a laugh.
"Dear Kal,
Why are there so many typos and mistakes in your newsletters?"
That's because I never read my newsletter. Frankly I'm much too busy to be bothered with the nonsense that's printed here.
See you next month. Goodnight & God Bless Kevin
Important Stuff About Friends & Lovers
Okay here's what I know about Jeff's trip to Florida...he got really drunk and was propositioned by a porn movie star.
Joining the swelling ranks of homeowners this month are Tom & Mary who bought an adorable bungalow on Pensacola Avenue. Congrats. Mary is also going to Europe for a month. I just hope she behaves better then Jeff.
Required photo of Cheri
Cheri just closed on her new house. I'm sure she'll let us all know when she's moving.
Under the heading of "what were they thinking?"...Pete & Joan S.picked Cheri & Jeff as the Godparents of their daughter Claire.
The Academy Awards
Braveheart!? Braveheart!?
Liane was the big winner at Beth & Barry's Annual Oscar Bash. She guessed the most winners that night and walked away with $80 from the pool and defeated reigning champ Beth.
The Unabomber says...
Hey kids, lets play a game!
Mary, Mary, Mary. Now mary, being the shy and reserved type that she is, went up to Phil and told him how her mother was a really big Piston's fan, and that it would be really funny if Phil would sign an autograph to her saying how the Piston's suck. So that's just what he did. Here's a copy of the autograph which reads..."To Gene, face it, the Piston's suck. Phil Jackson, Chicago Bulls."
Mary also said "I asked him to stay in Chicago and not go to New York...I'm sure he'll listen...I said please". I'm sure he will Mary. I'm sure he will.
Something about Brad
For those of you who don't know my friend Brad, his full name is Bradley Longwell. This is significant for the odd reason that since I've known him, Brad has lived on both I have no idea if Brad is aware of this weird phenomenon or not. Is this bizarre chain of domiciles his doing, or is it the work of some strange cosmic force? Who knows? I myself believe this mysterious behavior is all tied to crop circles, Stonehenge, and the alien corpse in hanger 18, but whether it is tied to these things or not, I do know this..."Brad Longwell" bears close watching.
Ten Women, Ten of My
Brad L.: Tia Cerrere
Tom F.: Margaret Thatcher
Kevin C.: Jill Hennesey
Mike B.: Anna Nicole Smith (pre weight gain)
Dave K.: Sandra Bullock
Jeff L.: Brad L.
Barry K.: Courtney Cox
Gil N.: Loni Anderson
Eric F.: Xena the Warrior Princess
The Batman:
The Batman:
The Batman:
The Batman:
The Batman:
The Batman:
I just thought that I would clear up the Bazooka Joe controversey that has plagued America for these many years. The kid with the turtle neck sweater pulled up over his face is not Bazooka Joe. That kid is Mort, Bazooka Joe's best friend. The kid with the eye patch; that's Bazooka Joe. Sleep easy tonight America, I'm always on guard. I'm always, on guard.
Quote of the Month
This month there are two quotes; both from Beth K.'s Oscar party.
Junk Drawer
The Oscar is made right here in Chicago, by a company that makes them for free!
Spotlight On...
Birthday:
Birthplace:
Occupation:
Current Home:
Working On:
Worst Job Experience:
The Last Good Movie I Saw:
The Book I've Been Reading:
Favorite Pig Out Food:
Nickname:
Favorite Performer:
Prized Possession:
People always think I'm:
I'd give anything to meet:
Favorite Annual Event:
A really great evening to me is:
My Fantasy Is:
The One Thing I Can't Stand is:
If I Could Change One Thing About Myself:
I'm Really Good At:
My Most Irrational Act:
If I've Learned One Thing In Life It's:
Major accomplishment:
Three words that best describe me:
Beth is also known for her love of the Cinema and her Annual Oscar Party. So I asked her what her 10 favorite movies are. Here they are in no particular order.
Being There
"Oh shit."
Count the mad cows and win a steak dinner!
A couple of weeks ago Mary "get out of my butt or I'll kill you" S. was at a fund raiser of some kind which was also attended by the greatest basketball couch of all time...Phil Jackson.
Friends Would Stalk
Tom T.: Jamie Lee Curtis
Similarities between
The Batman & Kevin
Has a young ward
Kevin:
Lives in the 26th ward
Has an insane arch-enemy named the "Joker"
Kevin:
Has a best friend who acts like Jerry Lewis
Has an English Butler
Kevin:
Has a Polish cleaning lady
Has an ex-girlfriend who is into whips
Kevin:
Has an ex-girlfriend who is into whips
Has a secret life where he dresses in leather
Kevin:
Has a secret life where he dresses in leather
Has a "Batcave" equipped with everything you need to fight crime
Kevin:
Has a warehouse equipped with everything you need to scrub a toilet
They do it for the prestige.
Beth K.
October 4, 1960.
Pittsburg, Pennsylvania.
Domestic Engineer.
Palatine, Il.
Losing Weight.
I was fired from Diary Queen because I couldn't seem to get the mounds on the ice cream cones just right.
"The Usual Suspects".
I've been reading magazines lately.
Lou Malnati's pizza and mashed potatoes.
"Jonesy".
Kevin Ervin and Meryl Streep.
Charlie and Chase.
Kim Darby or Kim Dolenz' daughter.
Barry (Beth's husband) at 16.
Oscar Night.
Pizza, red wine, Barry, and my kids in the next room with a baby sitter.
I've won an Oscar.
Cheap people.
No more temper! And I'd always weight 120.
Staying awake until morning.
There are so many, it's impossible to think of just one.
Don't judge other people's ways of parenting.
Labor, twice.
Opinionated, partier, fair.
It's a Wonderful Life
Philadelphia Story
Reds
Terms of Endearment
Annie Hall
Spinal Tap
Kramer Vs. Kramer
Starting Over
King of Comedy