Proctor and Gamble still has a few bugs to work out of Olestra, the fat subsitute that they're developing. Some of the problems include...
Loose stools Knowing America's preoccupation with weight loss, I don't think these side effects will be a deterrent to using this product. My advice to you is to buy stock...in Depends
My favorite story of 1995 was the one about the six Egyptians. It seems a chicken had fallen down a well in an Egyptian town, and these six guys were going to rescue it.
So the first guy climbs down the well; and guess what? He drowns. Guy number two? Same thing. Number three? Yep. And so on, and so on. Until all six drown. Now a couple of questions spring to mind. How stupid were these guys? And what? They couldn't find a Boston Market?
Next time you do something stupid, just say to yourself..."At least I'm not as dumb as the sixth Egyptian".
Kevin
Important Stuff About Friends & Lovers
On February 2nd Joan S. gave birth to a 6 lb. , 16 oz. baby girl. Mother and daughter (Claire Lenore) are both doing fine. Congratulations to all.
Mary G. keeps having strange dreams and she thinks it's because her brain is getting too hot from the new flannel pajamas she and Tom just bought.
Dawn's friend Cheryl just got a new tattoo. This one is a bear claw on her ass.
Pam F. got a new job.
My cousin Jo Marie is pregnant.
Beth B. just bought a new condo over by Irving and Ravenswood. Beth also promised to do an article on Jicama in the future. You know Jicama; the Mexican turnip? Try it in salads, it's delicious.
Cheri has so much going on in her life right now that I had to give her her own little section.
Cheri has a new roommate, her little sister Liz is now living with her. Every night they make popcorn, watch Jean Claude Van Dam movies, and have pillow fights.
Cheri left for Italy on February 22nd , for two weeks vacation. Ciao Bella.
Cheri just bought a new condo on Paulina Avenue. Now if only we can find two people living on Mulvina & Lunt we got the makings of a good joke.
It's a girl!
At 4:58 a.m. Sunday, February 18th, my sister Linda gave birth to a seven pound, nine ounce baby girl after almost 20 hours of labor. And, as previously reported, the baby was named Allyson Olivia despite my protests. Below are my suggestions that were rejected by Linda & Dave.
Ten names rejected
Ima Jo King
Anita Span King
Ima Cho King
Noah Par King
Nos Mo King
Chicken Ala King
Mom! She Keeps Kick King!
I'll Be In The Tub Soa King
Keeps On Tic King
Moesha
The Unabomber says...
The Mikey Zone
Submitted for your approval, the story of Mikey B., a young graphic artist, who working late one night finds himself riding an elevator; an elevator going down, into...The Twilight Zone.
Finishing work one evening, Mike proceeded to the elevators on his floor like he did so many nights before; yet, this time something was different. Standing there waiting for the elevator was former Chicago Bear Richard Dent. The elevator came, and Mike and Richard traveled downward to the lobby; "Should I say something?" Mike thought as they zoomed downward in silence. As the elevator reached the lobby, Mike thought how it was kind of cool to be so close to someone that famous and how he would never be that close to someone as famous as Mr. Dent again. Then the elevator doors opened and Mike found himself face to face with George Clooney (eat your heart out girls) who was in the middle of shooting a scene from E.R.. Do do do do, do do do do.
Pretty weird story huh? But not as weird as the fact that if you add a naked dwarf and a German Shepherd, this is just like a reoccuring dream I've been having lately.
In honor of St. Patrick's Day, here's a little ditty I wrote. Sing it to the tune of that Irish jig you always hear. You know the one. If you don't give me a call and I'll hum it for you. Hey! I guess this is the first interactive issue of Kal's Pals.
Oh, my name is O'Malley,
How's that for being politically inncorrect?
Survey Says!!!
During the month of January, I polled a mixutre of my friends, (5 males, 5 females, half of each group was single and the other half was either married or living with someone) and I asked them the questions listed below, just to find out how much my friends have in common. I think that you'll find the results both uninteresting and uninformative.
Do you fold or scrunch your toilet paper?
Do you put your peanut butter in the fridge or cabinet?
Do you put your ketchup in the fridge or cabinet?*
Do you open presents X-Mas day or Eve?
Do you put ketchup on your hot dogs?
Do you wear white or colored undies?
Is your toilet paper over or under?
Is your belly button innie or outie?
Coke or Pepsi?
Stove Top or mashed potatoes?
Do you shower in the morning or the night?
Do you prefer boxers or briefs?
Do you fold or roll your socks?
Who's your favorite Beatle?
* It seems you have to refrigerate ketchup. Maybe that explains my constant diarrhea.
Haiku Corner
Here is a Haiku I wrote in honor of spring.
Lovely Hibiscus,
Similarities between
Superman:
Superman:
Superman:
Superman:
Superman:
Superman:
Superman:
Junk Drawer
For the last time! Manhattan is red! New England is white!
Spotlight On...
Birthday:
Birthplace:
Occupation:
Current Home:
Working On:
Worst Job Experience:
The Last Good Movie I Saw:
The Book I've Been Reading:
Favorite Pig Out Food:
Nickname:
Favorite Performer:
Prized Possession:
People always think I'm:
I'd give anything to meet:
Favorite Annual Event:
A really great evening to me is:
My Fantasy Is:
The One Thing I Can't Stand is:
If I Could Change One Thing About Myself:
I'm Really Good At:
My Most Irrational Act:
If I've Learned One Thing In Life It's:
Major accomplishment:
Three words that best describe me:
This is Jeff's nephew Alex.
Just a couple of things that have been on my mind.
Fecal Urgency
and my favorite
Anal leakage.
by Linda & Dave
"Check out Third Rock from the Sun or... I'll blow you up".
I'm drunk in the alley.
My name is O'Leary,
I'm red eyed and bleary.
My last name is Kelly
I'm flat on my belly.
Have a happy St. Patrick's day.
fold
40% Male 20% Female 30% Overall
scrunch
60% Male 80% Female 70% Overall
fridge
20% Male 20% Female 20% Overall
cabinet
80% Male 80% Female 80% Overall
fridge
100% Male 100% Female** 100% Overall
cabinet
0% Male 0% Female 0% Overall
eve
20% Male 0% Female 10% Overall
no
80% Male 100% Female 90% Overall
yes
0% Male 80% Female 40% Overall
no
100% Male 20% Female 60% Overall
white
60% Male 20% Female 40% Overall
colored
40% Male 80% Female 60% Overall
over
60% Male 60% Female 60% Overall
under
40% Male 40% Female*** 40% Overall
innie
80% Male 100% Female 90% Overall
outie
20% Male 0% Female 10% Overall
coke
100% Male 80% Female 90% Overall
pepsi
0% Male 20% Female 10% Overall
stove top
0% Male 0% Female 0% Overall
mashed potatoes
100% Male 100% Female 100% Overall
morning
100% Male 100% Female 0% Overall
night
0% Male 0% Female 0% Overall
boxers
60% Male 80% Female 70% Overall
briefs
40% Male 20% Female 30% Overall
fold
20% Male 0% Female 10% Overall
roll
60% Male 40% Female 50% Overall
fold & roll combo
20% Male 60% Female 40% Overall
john
40% Male 40% Female 40% Overall
paul
40% Male 20% Female 30% Overall
george
0% Male 20% Female 20% Overall
ringo
20% Male 0% Female 10% Overall
** "I keep it in the fridge, but take it out and warm it up before using it." Jenny .
***"Right now it's under, but I'm not anal about it." Beth B.
****I think the makers of Stove Top better reevaluate their advertising.
I weep as I watch you bloom.
Hail to thee o spring!
Thank you. if you want, I'll send you some tissue to wipe your eyes.
Superman & Mike B.
Has x-ray vision
Mikey:
Has x-ray specs
Has a bald arch-enemy who insists he's a genius
Mikey:
Has a bald best friend who insists he's a genius
Has a "Fortress of Solitude" filled with trophies
Mikey:
Has a basement filled with crap
Has a girlfriend named Lois
Mikey:
Has middle name Louis
Is faster then a speeding bullet
Mikey:
I think he had that problem fixed ladies
Dresses in tights
Mikey:
Dresses in tights
Is weakened by the radioactive element Kryptonite
Mikey:
Is weakened by the radioactive element Uranium
Dr. Jeff
June 15, 1960.
Holy Cross Hospital.
Been known to persuade others
to turn their heads and cough.
"Unit Q".
Finding a dining room set.
Three words...stool, impaction, glove.
"Toy Story".
The Coming Plague. By Laurie Garrett.
Pizza.
"The Love Jeff".
NOT Judy Garland (go figure).
My friends (see Nickname).
Suffering from mumps.
Myself at 20...What was I thinking?
Summerfest. ("Crocodile Rock" with Barry's Truckers...need I say more?)
A table of friends at a fun restaurant.
Nationwide Gun control.
Self-important people.
Worry less.
Spinal taps.
Ask Cheri...she has the photos.
Go ahead and do it (but don't necesarily capture it on film).
"Yes I am".
Sensitive, goofy, nice.
This picture appears in the current Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue.