Okay you knew this was coming; I warned you about it. When something upsets me this much, I just have to vent, so here we go.

Last issue in my "stupid Survey" most of you thought that Superman would beat The Batman in a fight. Being a HUGE fan of the bat, this bugged the hell out of me, and now I feel an obligation to set the record straight.

I can't be too hard on any of you for your lack of knowledge about The Batman though, your whole perception of him has been distorted for years by many non-comic book sources.

First, in the 1960's you watched that silly show starring Adam West. Then the 70's gave you the Super Friends cartoons ("Form of a bucket" indeed). Tim Burton came around in the 80's, he wasn't so bad, in fact he did the best Batman to date. But then came the 90's and the worst interpetation of The Batman ever. The one concocted by George Clooney and Joel Schumaker. Now don't get me wrong, I loved the t.v. show and I think the movies had their good points (except for that last one, which had no redeeming qualities what so ever) but none of them ever capture the true Batman. The Batman that I know and love.

As most of you know, I'm a comic book collector. There. I said it. "Hello, my name is Kevin and I'm a comic book collector". "Hello Kevin. Welcome to the meeting".

Anyway, The Batman from the comic book world is much different from any of these silly diluted versions you grew up with. In the movies they've shown some of his good qualities...all those cool gadgets, the Batmobile, and the fact that he is a major ass-kicker. But what they don't show is The Batman who is the world's greatest detective and master strategist. This guy is totally obsessed with protecting the innocent from the evils of the world. So much so, that he has pushed himself both physically and mentally; further then anyone else in the world. A master in a dozen martial arts, the peak of physical condition, an expert in any form of criminology, he is the perfect crime fighting machine. And he doesn't take chances.

Before The Batman faces any opponent he learns everything he can about them, he knows them inside and out, all of their strenghts all of their weaknesses, their motivations and what they had for dinner the night before. Then he takes all that data and prepares for battle. If a good chess player is six moves ahead of his opponent...The Batman is twelve. He has six back-up plans for every back-up plan.

Now while it's true that Superman is a pretty smart himself, relatively speaking (see the "Stuporman" article to the right) and without a doubt is the most powerful mortal on earth, he does have two weaknesses. One being magic, and the other is green kryptonite, which is fatal to him. Just being exposed to a small chunk for a second renders Superman as weak as a newborn kitten.

Now you can bet your sweet ass, that when these two finally get into a slap fest, the Bat is going to have a piece of kryptonite with him. "And where is The Batman going to get a peice of kryptonite?" you ask. Well smart-ass, he already has one. As a matter of fact Superman himself gave it to him.

Superman took a chunk of kryptonite from Lex Luthor and gave it to Bats for safe keeping. He told The Batman, that if he ever went crazy or got possessed or something, The Batman should use it against him.

So there you have it. If push comes to shove, The batman whips out his kryptonite and whips Superman's ass.

And that's that!

Now if you'll excuse me...I have a city to save.

"To the Batcave!"

Yes this is me, Circa 1981.

The debate rages on (well in my mind anyway)...here are the opinions of some famous and not so famous comic book fans that I contacted.

Frank E. Lee: WXRT Disc Jockey, and really nice guy for taking the time to talk to me about this nonsense.

Frank took the diplomatic way out. He says "The contest would probably be too close to call". Though when I pressured him for an answer, he leaned towards Superman. Poor diluted Frank. Poor, poor, misguided Frank. See what happens from listening to all that "Rock & roll' kids? It ruins your mind.

Kevin Smith: Director/writer of the movies Clerks, Mallrats and Chasing Amy.

I posted this question on Kevin's website, www.viewaskew.com and he never answered me. However, many of his geeky fans did. The concensus from them was that Batman kicks Superbutt every time. 25 guys who spend all day fantasizing about the chick from "Chasing Amy" can't be wrong. Can they?

Denny O'Neil: Editor in Chief of all Batman titles at D.C. Comics, publishers of Batman & Superman.

"Gee, a fight between Superman and Batman huh? Well, if it were a physical fight, come on get real. Superman can push planets around. Batman's really in very good shape, he can probably bench press 500 pounds, but no contest.

Now if the terms of combat were a little different...and say it were up to batman to find a way to defeat Superman somehow, well Batman is real smart and determined not to be stopped. Then the outcome might be different.

But a toe to toe slugfest, Superman would win in a trice. Which is fine, if you like great big muscley bullies. If that's your idea of a superhero, hey! it's fine with me. Okay fella!?"

Mike B.: Criminal Mastermind and snappy dresser.

"Why do you bother me with this stupid shit? I'm trying to work here! Don't you have anything better to do with your time? Get a life! Yeesh."

So there you go. Another vote for Batman.

David T.: Celebrity Stalker.

As you can see, Dave is definately in Batman's corner. David T. and Adam West

Similarities between
Superman & Mike B.

Superman:
Has x-ray vision
Mikey:
Has x-ray specs

Superman:
Has a bald arch-enemy who insists he's a genius
Mikey:
Has a bald best friend who insists he's a genius

Superman:
Has a "Fortress of Solitude" filled with trophies
Mikey:
Has a basement filled with crap

Superman:
Has a girlfriend named Lois
Mikey:
Has middle name Louis

Superman:
Is faster then a speeding bullet
Mikey:
I think he had that problem fixed ladies

Superman:
Dresses in tights
Mikey:
Dresses in tights

Superman:
Is weakened by the radioactive element Kryptonite
Mikey:
Is weakened by the radioactive element Uranium

Similarities between
The Batman & Kevin

The Batman:
Has a young ward
Kevin:
Lives in the 26th ward

The Batman:
Has an insane arch-enemy named the "Joker"
Kevin:
Has a best friend who acts like Jerry Lewis

The Batman:
Has an English Butler
Kevin:
Has a Polish cleaning lady

The Batman:
Has an ex-girlfriend who is into whips
Kevin:
Has an ex-girlfriend who is into whips

The Batman:
Has a secret life where he dresses in leather
Kevin:
Has a secret life where he dresses in leather

The Batman:
Has a "Batcave" equipped with everything you need to fight crime
Kevin:
Has a warehouse equipped with everything you need to scrub a toilet

Catwoman

For decades now, one question has burned in the minds if men...Who's the hottest Catwoman? Since the debut of the Batman television show in 1965, Catwoman has been portrayed by four different women.

The first was Broadway dancer Julie Newmar. The tall and willowy Newmar brought a dancers grace to the character, this, coupled with her fantastic body made her a very sexy cat. But this was 1965 television, on what was considered a "kids" show, so Miss Newmar was limited to how sexy she could be, and thus limited in what she could do with the character. But despite all this limitation, Newmar was for years the first and best Catwoman.

The 2nd woman to don the black leather cat suit was ex-Miss America Lee Meriwether. Though pretty, Meriwether is not the best actress around, and didn't have anywhere near the grace that Newmar had, she was pretty boring, and only played the cat once anyway.

Jazz singer Eartha Kitt was Catwoman number 3. She definately had the best cat voice; sexy and throaty. But with her smaller frame, she couldn't bring the sexy feline attributes to the role that Newmar had.

Which brings us to the fourth and latest cat; Michelle Pfeiffer, to me, the best Catwoman ever.

Pfeiffer, the best actress of the four, was able to take the character further then it's gone before. She brought a sexiness and complexity to the role that no one ever had. Of course you really can't blame the previous actresses too much, they were stuck in 1960's television after all, and Pfeiffer was making a big budget movie in the 80's, so naturally she had more leeway. I still have to give her the crown though; sexy outfit, great sex appeal, and a fine actress to boot. The purrfect kitten with a whip.

Me-ow!

Stuporman

Just how stupid are the people of Metropolis? All superman does is slick back his hair, put on some glasses and every dumb-ass in the city is going "Ah, duh, where did Superman go?" "Have you seen him Clark?", "Um, gee Lois, no I haven't." Open your fucking eyes Lois! What are you?! Blind?! You're looking right at him! Investigative reporter my ass. Jeez!

And what about Lex Luthor, the supposed smartest man in the world? How come he hasn't figured out this little trick yet? It would come in real handy for him, Everytime he commits a crime superman nails him. Hello? Lex? Put on a wig for God's sake. There's not an idiot in Metropolis who'll figure out who you are. If it works for Superman why not Lex Luthor?

How smart can Superman be anyway? He wears his underwear on the outside of his tights for crying out loud! That's got to be tough on the tights. I'd hate to have to do his laundry. I have enough trouble getting out my skid marks, let alone "super" skid marks. Look. As far as I'm concerned, if you can't put your undies on properly, you've lost all credibility with me. Leap over tall buildings all day; but if you can't dress yourself, how "super" can you really be?

Super facts

"Clark" is the maiden name of Superman's adopted mother; Martha (Clark) Kent.

The Batman is ambidextrous.

Superman's real name is Kal-El.

Bruce Wayne has no middle name.

Superman once tried to date Wonder Woman, but she wanted to "just be friends". "Super-friends", but friends none the less.

Regardless of what you saw in the first "Batman" movie, the Joker did not kill Bruce Wayne's parents. That evil deed was commited by a thug named Joe Chill.

Clark Kent shaves by reflecting his "heat vision" off of a little mirror.

The Batman has a yellow oval on his chest because D.C. Comics learned that they couldn't copyright the bat shape by itself. Plus, it gives crooks a target to shoot at (there's bullet proof armor behind it, don't you know).

Many of the major people in Superman's life have the initials "L.L.". Lois Lane, Lana Lang, Lori Lemeris and Lex Luthor. I don't know why this is, I just know it's weird.

Commissioner Gordon is originally from Peoria Illinois.

Superman's original name was supposed to be "Asskicker-man". Okay, I made that up, I just wanted to see if you were paying attention.

The mother's of both Superman and the Batman were named Martha.